As I type this, I'm actually talking to myself. My heart is heavy and sad for many different reasons... if I could list all of them it would be a waste, but I will mention some...
1. I think sometimes of how I am on this pedestal. People around me think of me as some kind of hero... some kind of wonder woman, but I'm not. This pedestal is burdensome really because when I sense the Lord nudging me, I feel like Satan really uses my "people pleasingness" and reminds of the pedestal I am on, tempting me to go with what the people would have me do rather than what the Lord has asked me to do. So instead of thinking of what God wants, I worry about what it would do to people if I came a crashing off that pedestal.
2. My heart grows more and more heavy for the church... for the church that has become so lukewarm. My heart aches for those who have been in the church for years hearing sermon after sermon, but live a life that is unchanged, unmoved, untouched.
3. Today A and I had a mommy daughter date, in which was a battle really for me. I knew there was so much to do... I knew that a mommy daughter date was probably not a good thing to throw in right now at this point, but I knew she and I both needed it. In being on this date, I realized how much I long to have someone by my side to raise A with and have discussions about making decisions instead of making them all on my own. Someone other than me that A could show her artwork to, carry her when she's tired, handle discipline in public when she's pulled the last straw, even be the third person to take pictures instead of me holding out my arm all the time... And honestly I get frustrated about being put on this pedestal. Maybe I'm not on this pedestal and I'm just really prideful, but I have heard so many times how great people think I am... It's not me dudes!!! Without God, I would not be able to do all that I do and now that the storm is over I just want to live a normal person's life and not be looked at as some really strong woman who can handle anything.... I too dream of a "hot anointed" (phrase borrowed from a friend) man to come sweep me off my feet... My Boaz, if you will.
4. A has been asking for daddy a lot lately. I do not have any more ideas on how to talk to her about it. It's not like she wants to see pictures or daddy videos or talk about him. It's just that she misses daddy. Not sure what to do. She misses daddy and asks for a new one all in one breath. I don't know... Weighs heavy on my heart and only pray that the Lord deals with her as she needs to be.
5. We leave in 9 days and my heart grows heavy for the people, millions and millions of people who are lost and have no hope because they do not know about Jesus. I think of the millions and millions against the only 100s of workers. My heart longs to see people get raised up to go... go out into the nations to share the only hope in Jesus Christ.
6. Prayer. I believe in prayer. I want to pray more. I desire to see prayer change the world. I want to see prayer bring life into people's life.
7. Reading Psalm 119, I want to know, read, meditate and obey God's word. Try reading it and see how many times the author writes precepts and word... When will we as a people take God's word seriously? When will we truly believe this is the only way to gain life? When will we find time to read, study, meditate and memorize God's word instead of finding time to do everything else but that. When will God take priority in our lives?
So these are just a few of the things that my heart is dealing with lately. Please pray for us... A and me... in our individual needs and also as a family. Pray for us as we leave Chicago and head back to our home. Pray for us as we embark another season in our life. Pray for us as we spend the last week... it's going to be crazy!!!
