Growth

I was lying down thinking. Through these 30 years, I've really had some good times, bad times, rough times, fun times, and so on. As I thought about these things, I thought about a beautiful flower, my favorite are daisies... any kind of daisies... anyway... these flowers go through a lot to be beautiful. They are put in darkness as seeds and into the dirtiest of things... dirt. To make them grow, they need to be watered and waited on. Some times people put fertilizer on them to help them grow... and some times those fertilizers are those stinky things from animals or leftover foods... none the less those nasty things help them grow to be those beautiful flowers. Rain, which is so good for them, also could make them fall for a few hours because of the intense beating it gets from it. But again, those are things that make a beautiful flower...

So as I was thinking, I thought of all the stinky fertilizers and hard rain that has been in life. Yes they feel rough, stinky, hard and downright unfair, but the thing is, all those things have made me into who I am. I could understand and feel more for the people going through similar things, have grace for people in similar circumstances...

Sometimes I wish that God could just make me into this beautiful creature without all those stinky hard things, but then I feel like that beauty will not last long. If things were done the easy way, then how quickly will it fade. So I choose to praise God in the times of struggle and I choose to endure through these tough times because I know in the end the beauty will last forever.

This doesn't just go for flowers, but a lot of beautiful things in life have to experience the same thing... like pearls. I like pearls too. :)

It's so easy to say, but hard to do... the Praising God in the midst of trials... Yet following Christ is walking through that narrow road, hard and sometimes lonely... So I will choose to love and praise my Father.

God knows

Thursday, we went on our last vacation, to our beloved beach. It was so much fun and brought back lots of fun memories.

But this entry is not to talk of our vacation, but something that was put on my heart. We got the opportunity to fly to the beach this time instead of driving, which was so much quicker and better for me. In the 45 minute plane ride, I got to see pockets of villages that I have never seen before. I just thought how I need to get in a plane to really see this, but God, He sees and knows all the time. I prayed over those villages as I flew over them... I was saddened by the thought that those people do not know Christ. Who will go to them?

I wonder what goes on in God's heart and mind as He sees these villages, pockets of people, living and dying daily with Him... I wonder what He thinks of me as I vacation and these people are dying. I do not believe God would be mad or upset that I vacation, but on the flight there having seen those villages, I couldn't stop thinking of all those people who have a right to know.

As I prepare to leave, I pray for more to come. There are too many pockets of people that have not heard... here, there and everywhere. Acts 1:8... to the ends of the earth... You could go to any big city in the world and there will be churches, temples, mosques and so on... but in the remote places... what's there?

It's hard to leave thinking and knowing all the work that needs to be done... Lord you know all those who have not heard... You also know those who have... Let us have your heart. Let not my heart grow comfortable when I get back to the states. Let not my heart forget all that You have taught me and showed me while I was out... Remind me often of those pockets of people and bring me to my knees more and more each day for them.

Lord send your spirit into those places!!! Let Your kingdom come!!!

What do we do?

The other night I watched "Blood Diamond". It's been a while since I watched it so it was pretty intense. If you haven't watched it, the movie is about diamond in Africa and how there is killing over it being smuggled into different parts of the world to be sold.

I go back to the rights... as I watched it... my insides just turned. People living in constant war. My friend's daughter, which is actually funny because her daughter is my age, is in Africa and about a week ago experienced a mob of people coming to where she worked to get medical care. People were going crazy for the things we take for granted. I mean as I watched women being raped, children being brainwashed, men being slaughtered... and to think that really happens. I wonder what do we do? I mean my stomach turns now at how I am in a nice house in front of my nice computer living a pretty good life and these people constantly have to think and plan of what will happen if the rebels come.

In "Blood Diamond", one of the characters who is a reporter says a line that is so true, yet so sad. A native person asks if she was going to write about them. When she says yes, the native is like, then people will come and help right? Her response is something to the effect of, "the news will show up somewhere between sports and weather and people won't think twice about it."

How is it that we have become so numb to what is going on around the world? How is it that we are okay that people are not eating? not drinking? How are we okay with the fact that human rights are taken away?

News all around the world of horrible things going on... Japan and the earthquake... Middle East in constant war... Africa with hunger, water, AIDS, war... The reporter is right... I too do the same, actually I'm pretty much out of touch of the news world and sadly to say, get my news from Facebook. Japan would probably have not effected me much if my friends were not there.

Today in my class we read an article about Japan's earthquake. I almost cried in class... with a class that was full of about 97 % that were on their way to hell... I was reading about another how many percent that have gone there. My heart broke today in class thinking of Christless lives... My heart ached for them.

I'm scared going back to America. I'm scared I may become desensitized, numb to these things when I'm not in it... I pray for continual passion for His kingdom for His glory and that I won't be a channel switcher, but a prayer warrior for those people suffering.

On the flip side of all this, I praise God for the blessing of being born and raised in the states. I praise Him for bringing my family to the states before I was born and giving us a life that would probably not have been achieved in Korea. I think I would have been a real rebellious child if I was raised in Korea. I praise Him for His provision and work in my life.

I question things in life, but I'm ashamed to say that I don't ever ask God, why He chose to have me be born in the states and so many others in Africa or Iran or in the slums of India? I only ask when life is hard and seems unfair... I look at my life compared to those in other places and I bow my head in shame for thinking I deserve something when they don't even have food and water. How selfish and inward I am!!!

Which takes me to another point, which has nothing to do with this, but the selfish inward part... I work with mostly college students and they are all about facebook and twitter. I have to say I agree with a sermon I heard that all those things are about me... When are we going to get over ourselves and be about God? Don't take this wrong, I am saying this to myself... Get over yourself ERP... it's not about you... it's about God, always has been and always should be.

I started reading through Acts again... How I long to be filled with the Spirit like those apostles... mmm Let your spirit fall Lord!!!

Rights (cont)

I've been thinking a lot about rights since my last entry... Got me thinking of something in a different light. What about God's rights?

God is our creator... He is who He is. God is the planner of our lives, the One who makes things be what they are. The one we are created in the image of... the One who breathed life into us. What about His rights?

God is the soul purpose we exist and we exist to bring glory to His name. We are made for His glory and He is actually the One that deserves everything. So what about His rights?

I think about how much I am gypping him from what He rightfully should get. Then I think of the rights of those around me... they have the right to hear the good news. Whether they take it or not is totally up to God, but they have a right.

I am so consumed about my rights that I do not think of nor acknowledge that I am violating the rights of others let alone my God. What is my purpose for living? It is to bring glory to God...

As I close up this chapter, I think of how many people's rights of knowing truth I have violated because I was self absorbed. I think of all the people in Japan who had the right to know and how many died without knowing. I think of all the people who need to hear that are hurting there, here and everywhere. I think of all those people in Africa who live in constant war and have no hope in life, will they ever know? I think of still the many that have never heard nor will ever hear and die tonight. The thing is this... It's either heaven or hell and we can't just say... o sorry for your loss when their destiny is hell... their blood is on hands. What am I going to do about this? Just mull over it and blog about it? God change my heart. Make me bold. Give me the words to speak. Let people hear your truth. Let Your people have a heart for those who are going to eternal condemnation... for those who will spend eternity in the pits of pits... Let our hearts not turn cold, desensitized, lukewarm... these people have a right to hear... and God has the right to be glorified!!!

Rights

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney during interrogation; if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you.

This is America for you... you get rights as you get taken away for a crime you have committed.

In America, the land of the free they call it, you have the right away when you are turning right... you have the right to say anything you want because you have the freedom of speech... you have the right to a good education... you have rights and if you don't, you fight for it, doesn't matter the cost.

Today I had lunch with a friend. We talked about this very subject. How we, coming to another country, give up all our rights.... our right to privacy, our right to shop without everyone looking into the bags to see what you bought, our right to make a "legal" driving move, our right to raise our children in green grass and public playgrounds (outdoors), our right to breath clean air, our right to wear sleeveless shirts, our right to hold our spouses hand in public, our right... and the list could go on forever...

After that, I got the privilege to watch a movie on my own... A was with a friend from church. I went to go watch "King's Speech". As I watched that, believe it or not, I thought of the very subject again... our rights... our right to be loved by our parents, our right to be praised and not ridiculed, our right to criticize....

As I drove home, I thought of Jesus. He laid down all His rights as King and came as a "commoner" to give us our rights as His child, we are heir to our King. When you think about that and the momentary things here on earth you are giving up for His glory... it's absolutely nothing compared to what My Savior has done for me.

I do often think of my right to have a husband... A's right to have a daddy... our right to long for a family... I think of my right to correct someone who is not doing it the right way... I think of my right to be heard... I think of my right to luxury as those others... I think of my right to a nice home... I think of my right to have more children... I think of my right to think I am right... I think of my rights... and when those rights are in anyway touched... it ruffles my feathers. I don't like it.

I forget sometimes how temporary this place is. I forget sometimes that this is not my home. When I forget these facts, that is usually when I tend to cling to my rights. When I don't put into perspective that my time here on earth is like only a minute compared to the eternity I will have with Him, I pout and throw a tantrum because I'm not getting what I think I desire... my so called rights are being invaded.

I pray that my perspective with not be shaken... I pray that Satan will be so far from me and not be able to whisper lies to me... God is my Rock... I wholly give my rights over to Him... Have your way Lord!!!

I'm reading this book that I got as a gift from RB and TB. I've started it a couple times, but this time I can't put it down. The book is called, "Grand Weaver" by Ravi Zacharias. I am proud to say that this man is an alumni to the school I will be attending in the fall!!!

There is something I read in this book that I want to share... It's on pages 50-51...

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd -- that's relationship!

I shall not be in want -- that's supply!

He makes me lie down in green pastures -- that's rest!

He leads me beside quiet waters -- that's refreshment!

He restores my soul -- that's healing!

He guides me in the paths of righteousness -- that's guidance!

For His name's sake -- that's purpose!

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death -- that's testing!

I will fear no evil -- that's protection!

For you are with me -- that's faithfulness!

Your rod and the staff, they comfort me -- that's discipline!

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies -- that's hope!

You anoint my head with oil -- that's consecration!

My cup overflows -- that's abundance!

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life -- that's blessing!

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord -- that's security!

Forever -- that's eternity!

Author of elaborated material unknown

We have all this... God has given us all of these!!! He gives us relationship, guidance, testing, hope, blessing... all these things are from Him. So why do we whine and think life has to be fair?

I was talking to my friend, JM, on skype the other day and as I asked her the very question of God being fair, JM told me that her professor in college used to say that the fair was in August.

I laughed, but so true... God is God... I AM WHO I AM... That's who I serve... the Great I AM. How could I question Him? But the thing is, I can. Will I get an answer? Not always... but again, it's just momentary... giving up the right to know. That's not faith... Faith is not about seeing nor is it always about knowing. Sometimes you don't know until after it happens... Sometimes maybe not even til glory.

I feel like I'm just blabbing right now. These are just some thoughts, as random and unrelated to each it may be... It's what's been going on in my heart.

I do want to make one thing clear though... I am not trying to say one country or rules are superior to the other or one is right and the other is wrong... Go back to scripture I guess is what I'm saying. What does God has to say about it?

Pray that I will continue to be a woman that could put my rights aside and give to the Lord what is rightfully His... glory, honor, my life... I want to sacrifice my rights to my Father... Let Your will be done!!!

Cycles...

Today a friend told me that as she was praying for me this song came to mind. I heard it and cried a little. I listened to it later and cried again.

HELD - by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

The Lord has been speaking to me this week through the words in Psalm 146...

¹ Praise the LORD.

Praise the LORD, my soul.

² I will praise the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
³ Do not put your trust in princes,
in human beings, who cannot save.
⁴ When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;
on that very day their plans come to nothing.

**The first 2 verses are the desires of my heart. To be able to Praise Him all the days of my life in all circumstances. 3 &4 struck a new chord to me during this phase of my life... having to pack up here and leave all the dreams that P & I have had together... to say good bye to friends and family... so as I read these two verses this time, it makes me realize how God is really the only true, the only constant, the only future for me. When P died, when his spirit departed, our plans became nothing. It wasn't P&E's plan anymore... from then on it was just E's plan and even then unless the Lord ordains, it doesn't happen.**

⁵ Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob,

whose hope is in the LORD their God.

⁶ He is the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them—
he remains faithful forever.
⁷ He upholds the cause of the oppressed
and gives food to the hungry.
The LORD sets prisoners free,
⁸ the LORD gives sight to the blind,
the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down,
the LORD loves the righteous.

**This is the Lord I desire to praise all the days of my life, through thick and thin.**

⁹ The LORD watches over the foreigner

and sustains the fatherless and the widow,
but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.

¹⁰ The LORD reigns forever,
your God, O Zion, for all generations.

**As I read this in the morning, the beginning of verse 9 is about me and A... we are both foreigners here in this land and also on this earth for this is not our home. He promises to sustain the fatherless (A) and the widow (me). I had to look up the word sustain... Not because I don't know what it means, but just because... and this is what dictionary.com says....

–verb (used with object)

1.

to support, hold, or bear up from below; bear the weight of,as a structure.

2.

to bear (a burden, charge, etc.).

3.

to undergo, experience, or suffer (injury, loss, etc.); endurewithout giving way or yielding.

4.

to keep (a person, the mind, the spirits, etc.) from givingway, as under trial or affliction.

5.

to keep up or keep going, as an action or process: to sustaina conversation.

6.

to supply with food, drink, and other necessities of life.

7.

to provide for (an institution or the like) by furnishing meansor funds.

8.

to support (a cause or the like) by aid or approval.

9.

to uphold as valid, just, or correct, as a claim or the personmaking it: The judge sustained the lawyer's objection.

10.

to confirm or corroborate, as a statement: Furtherinvestigation sustained my suspicions.

**This is what the Lord promises to do for me and my daughter.**

************************************************************************

Please pray for me as tomorrow when we wake up it will be 6 weeks til we head back to the states to start a new life. God is really working on some things on my heart, but I am really grieving all over again and this time for some reason seems harder. I've been remembering things from when we first came, the things that we dreamed of together, the things that could have been, the things that happened the month P was gone, the things that happened the week he got sick, the things that happened the night he died... grief is this huge cycle...

There have been some situations where people would talk about stuff usually having to do with medical stuff that would just make my stomach do flips taking me back to the time P was in ICU. I've been questioning again... It's hard. Knowing truth, but still needing answers. That doesn't even make sense as I type it, but that's how I feel. I'm really wrestling with God these days as I get ready to leave... I am going back to the questions from the beginning... the whys? the hows? the whats? of the whole situation.

So I ask that you pray for me.... Tonight I cry as I think, "if this is how I'm feeling, I wonder how A is and how do I even find out?" Pray for us... If A needs to express her feelings, please pray that she can in however limited way she can. Pray that I would be discerning of her needs as well as mine. I'm leaving... it's a big deal. Prayer... I covet them.