whole turned half

i was talking to a friend a few nights ago and she was talking about how someone you lived without for more years of your life could all of a sudden mean so much... more than all those years put together. i've been thinking about that... how P and i really only knew each other 5 years, married 3 years and almost four months out of those 5 years... and why does that defeat the 24 years of my life before we were married? i don't know, but it's true... even though the years without him are 8 times more... that seems to fall short compared to the years i had with him.

i miss him... i miss him a lot. i was just e-mailing a friend about how he and i would have so much fun together. life was fun with him... but... now it's so different. i laugh, but it's not me laughing... i have fun, but it's really not me having fun either. where is the whole me? i know i have expressed this before, but the whole is gone...

i think of how kids sing the santa song about being naughty or nice and according to that santa will bring something. i've been feeling a little like that. if i keep going and do a good job, P will come back... the thing is i know it's not true... but my hearts longs for that... that if i could just do something to bring him back, i'd do anything... endure anything. if i could just endure this, then P will come back and hold me and tell me i did a good job.

our pastor at church did a series on Romans 8,9, and 10 a couple months ago... i went and re-read those chapters. how rich it was. couple verses stuck out to me and i just want to jot them down...

* Romans 8:18 - I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

*8:28 - and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.

these verses are my prayer... as painful as it is that through this His glory will be revealed and that i could see good in this (sometimes it's hard) and that i could again see what my calling is in this world.

i am a whole turned half and so wanting to be whole again. i long for the day i could laugh again and have fun again. i long for the day where life will be joyful and i can basically feel.

firsts

a man of great faith passed away about two weeks ago. i got a text message from L while i was in baltimore.

i met him for the first time after coming back to the states about a month and a half after P passed away. AS was in his usually pew at church and when i saw him i cried. i really enjoyed him before we went to indonesia and knew that he had been praying for us a lot while we were there. he would also send cards to us. he was such a blessing... i went over to him after the service and when i said who i was, he told me how he had been praying for me and sorry he hadn't come to the service. he was in the hospital. he told me now he wanted to just go home to be with Jesus. he told me he didn't want to be here anymore. i cried...

now he's there... right where he wanted to go. he was 96 1/2. wow what a man of faith.

i just got back from the memorial service. my first one since P's. i think if it was a wake it would have been way harder, but it was just a service. i was truly blessed by his life and the stories that were told...

on my way home i called a friend and talked a little, then started talking to God. it was a pretty meaningful deep talk with my Abba... crying, yelling, sobbing, asking... wondering what the meaning of my life is. what do i do now? i don't know... the problem is i thought it was mapped out for me already and all i had to do was follow... and then this great big block just fell on the map and i have no idea which direction to go now... where do i go God?

still no answers... but at least i asked... i'm doing now what i feel He is wanting me to do... taking care of A, resting, getting counseling and wrestling with the very questions i have.

multiple

Satan

today i was thinking about how satan is so real in our lives. then wondering how many times we think about satan... not that he should be the primary thought in our lives, but when we sin or think about sinning, i wonder how many of us think to rebuke satan. i mean God gave us the authority over satan in the name of Jesus to rebuke him. i wonder, including myself, if we ever just think of thoughts and actions a normal reaction instead of thinking that satan is trying to turn us away from our Father, our Creator, our Lord and Savior, who so wants us to be free from it. i think a lot of spiritual battle and i feel how real it is every day and how we, as believers, need to be fighting the battle every day. just a thought i had today.
Home

It has already been almost three and a half months and though it sounds like a short time, it feels like it has been decades. In processing these few months, I have felt a need to go back to our home in Indonesia for a visit. As I prayed about it, the desire got stronger and I felt that it was the best next step for both A and I. The timing is great because A and I both have Indonesia fresh in our thoughts. Also, I feel like it would be harder for both of us if we had to wait a long time in terms of grieving and understanding that P is not in Indonesia. It would also be great to be together with people and grieve with them. We had to so quickly get out of there. I have talked to our friends and family and they all see the benefits of this visit.

A and I will be joining friends the end of October to go to Indonesia. My goal for this visit is to close a chapter in our life in a good and healthy way. I would really like to see people and say good-bye. I know this is going to be a really hard trip, but at the same time, I think that it will be a really good and helpful trip for both A and I.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support through this process. I feel like even in these past three and a half months, we have come a long way. I know there is still a lot left on this road, but the Lord is really showing me that He is in control and that I just need to trust and obey. Whatever the outcome, The Lord has us in the palm of His hand and all is for His glory. Trust and obey…

Again we will be leaving on the end of October. A couple from our fellowship, M and B, will be joining us the following week. They will meet people and see our life there a little and escort us back home. I am really thankful that the Lord has provided us with this couple as I have a good friendship with B and Anna enjoys M.

Thanks for your prayer and support.

visit

p's parents are coming for the weekend. excited to see them. please pray our time together... it'll be good, but also hard being that it's our first meeting after all the services.

Growing up

there are lots of things in life that make you grow up... i think i did a lot of growing up in the past few years with dating and getting married. but even after you get married, yes you have a role of being a wife, there are still aspects where you both could be a kid, just enjoy life. then we had A, boy do you have to grow up... you have this other life in your hands, that God has entrusted you with. i remember specifically P and i crying one night fearful of bringing this new life into such a corrupted sinful world wondering if we were ready for the challenge. now death... i really feel like there has been a lot of growing up i'm doing. your life is just turned upside down in a matter of minutes and you really don't have a choice but to grow up and make important decisions on your own, this time not just for me, but for A too... how intense is that.

i've been thinking of how many more decisions in the future i have to make for both A and myself... how that not only does it effect me, but A also... scared that i will make mistakes, actually knowing that i will probably make mistakes... praying and begging the Lord to guide me in each step i make in this process so it'll be good not just for me, but also for A.

again i think of the night P and i cried fearful of bringing a baby into this corrupted sinful world wondering how are we going to protect the baby from the evil in this world... at least then we were a team... now left alone to do it on my own... please pray with me as i raise A.

eloquence

i was in young writers when i was in elementary school. i loved writing and if you go to my grammar school, the book i wrote in like 4th grade is still on display in the school library. in saying that, i was re-reading some of my entries and thought about what an amateur i am. but thank you for reading all my thoughts and praying for me.

today i was at church. our church is currently doing a wonderful series and today's focus in the series was story. what story do we have? how do we tell people our stories? and the service ended with a song that brought me to tears. i cry a lot during church lately and some may think it's because i miss P or because i am thinking about him, which is actually only a small percent of the time. most of the tears is due to how true the message and praises are. i don't know how many of you realize how much truth we sing in church and how the truth our pastors speak should be life changing. anyway, i was singing the last song with everyone and wished that song could be my song... i mean like people could see that song in my life. here's the song...

Befriended, befriended by the King above all Kings
Surrendered, surrendered to a friend above all friends
Invited, invited deep into this mystery
Delighted, delighted by the wonders I have seen

This will be my story
This will be my song
You'll always be my savior.
Jesus You will always have my heart

Astounded, astounded that Your gospel bekoned me
Surroundered, surroundered but I've never been so free
Determined, determined now to live this life for You
Your'e so worthy my greatest gift would be the least You're due

This will be my story
This will be my song
You'll always be my Savior.
Jesus You will always have my heart

it is an absolute truth of how the Lord is in my life and i from the bottom of my heart today i sang the chorus... i want Him to always be my Savior and be able to say, "Yes Lord, you will always have my heart." -even in times like this.

then at Encounter, our evening church, we sang so many words of truth. and one of it was "Better than Life". and it was such a good ending to such a wonderful message. i really enjoy TRUTH lately. it's carrying me through this time of struggle.

tonight i thought of jacob in the Bible and how he wrestled with the Lord because he wanted to be blessed. it first says he wrestled a man, but then it says later that he calls the place, "Peniel" saying he saw God face to face (Genesis 32:22-32). i want an encounter like that with God. i want to wrestle with Him on this issue, this event of my life. i want to ask Him questions, that eventhough i know the answers, i want to hear it from Him. i want to have an encounter with God, and like i said, that eventhough i know what the answer is, that with this situation, with this pain in my life, i want Him to come to me and say to me, "E I love you!!!" the thing is, like i have stated before, i know He loves me... i know that He is hurting because i am hurting... but in my humanness... i feel pain and hurt and loneliness and abandonment... and the thing is the only one that could take away and fill those feelings is God... and slowly but surely i know He will heal it and fill it with Him... but why is it taking so long? my pain is still so raw... it seems like anyone who tries to come and clean the wound for me, even God, i just scream, like a little kid would, not wanting anyone to touch it right now... it just hurts so much.

please pray for me as i have already been having wrestling encounters with God. i don't think it's just going to take one, like it did with jacob... i think it will be a process in this chapter of my life... but i just pray that it will be an absolutely amazing one... if you read that part of the chapter about jacob, it talks about how jacob didn't let God go unless he blessed Him, it seems like he hung on for dear life because he was wounded from the wrestling match... i don't want to let God go in this struggle in my life... i want to hang on and ask him to bless me and give me peace and understanding of His plan in my life.

i wish i had eloquent words for everyone to read, but this is all i have. thank you for your prayers and encouragement.

grass

today to remember the third month, i took A to memory park after her nap. i don't know why, but i cried the whole way there. it's been about two weeks since we've been there and i felt like in a way i hadn't seen him in so long. i wouldn't say i was excited to go, but just this feeling of... i don't know... anyway we got there and when we got to his spot there was grass. finally there is grass growing on what once just was dirt. i cried. i don't know what it was about the grass... another sign of truth that he is gone... i don't know, but i cried. it was a weird feeling. then i thought, "oh man when the headstone goes on..." memory park... it was good to go there. as usual A and i took a snack and something fun for A to do... after a while though, i noticed a flock of geese coming toward us... with longing looks for our snack... so i picked up everything and left. :)

three months

today marks the third month. wow... three months. can't believe it's only been three months. how come though does it feel like it's been so long ago? was thinking about some things this morning and found myself in tears... miss him so much. sometimes i just think, "where is he?" sometimes i wonder what he's doing. sometimes i wonder what we would be doing if he was here.

i have no idea what this means, but i wasn't able to say the words dead, death, died, dying... for a while... it seems that i've come to a point where i say it, but wonder if it means anything to me at this point. do i say it just because it's true and i have to admit it? do i really believe it? it's hard i have to say that not only is P gone, but our dreams, future, promises, plans, everything that was P and E is gone. i feel it more and more everyday that it's not just him who is gone. i realize that half of me, sometimes even more than half of me is missing and i just have to make myself whole again... oh Lord how do i do that? does it even happen? did i just loose that half and it's forever gone? how do i make myself whole again when the one that made me whole is not here? all these questions rise as i sit here and think "it's not a dream. it's still happening."

A has been asking great questions and missing him so much in her own little way. she says she wants to go to heaven to play with toys with daddy. she says she wants to hold him and kiss him. yesterday after getting her ears pierced she said she wanted to show her daddy. and as hard as it is for me, i thank God from the bottom of my heart that she is longing for him like that. what a daddy huh to make a 2 1/2 year old, that most people think would know nothing, miss him so much? i think my little girl is awesome and pray that she will always remember her daddy like she does now.

so three months... i was remembering after P and i have been dating for three months, he gave me three little gifts and one of them was a jar of quarters. i was collecting at that time quarters from the different states, so he had been saving them for me to go through to see if i could find one i did not have. in the card that came with the gifts he mentioned three months being a "quarter" of a year and how he couldn't wait to see how many "quarters" God would have us together. around 18 quarters we spent together...

my first quarter without him was... i don't even know what word to put... terrible? crushing? horrible? lifeless? scary? empty? i don't even know ... but it was and i dread the next quarters, but pray that however many quarters it takes, in the end i will come out saying, "BLESSED BE YOUR NAME Lord you are good".

thanks to many of you who are praying for A and i. i recently saw on the korean news of an entertainer who died. i saw how the wife is now in the mental health ward of a hospital due to the trauma of her husband's death. i was so glad that i have Jesus to hold me through this. i think of all the prayers that are carrying us through this. i thought how sad it was for that woman that she didn't have Jesus through her pain. then i thought of many people in this world that do not know Jesus and do not have a relationship with Him and think what will they do when someone close to them dies or tragedy hits or if they die themselves... do they know for sure that they will go to heaven?

A and i will forever be in the Lord's hands. please pray that through all this, we will come out saying how good our God is.

help...

last week i started seeing a counselor. i was and still am really excited about it. after the first session, i thought, "woah this is going to be really hard", but from the beginning when i asked PR to find a good counselor, i had a desire to go through this grieving in a healthy way. honestly at first i thought if i told people i was seeing a counselor they would think that i was totally loosing it, but affirmation from people walking me through this thought it was good. it's a good way not to loose it i think...

i have only been to two sessions and i think the first one was just introducing... the second one got a little more into the meat of things. like i said, it's going to be hard. please pray for me as i take steps with the counselor in this grieving/tragedy/trauma process.

GREAT NEWS... A has been working at getting her ears pierced. She was asking a few weeks ago about getting her ears pierced. i just told her, let's think about it... but a good friend, TR, had a fabulous idea. she asked if there is anything i wanted A to do on her own. SLEEPING IN HER OWN ROOM. TR told me to use that... so i told A if she slept in her room for 10 nights, then she could get her ears pierced. for each night she got a sticker. today was the day. the tenth sticker went up. so i took her to get our ears pierced. i got a second hole in and she got her first one. we had friends and family there and she was so brave. i went first to show her how it was done, then she went. yes she cried, but i told her to remember that she's the one that wanted it. :) the crying didn't last long. she was happily playing with her friends afterward. and when someone asked her to see it, she showed off her earrings. it was really cute and i think she looks really cute. yeah A!!!

**more pictures on facebook**

scattered

i feel scattered lately. my brain in foggy and i'm sometimes wondering what i was saying or doing right after i start. i am really congested and just tired. it's only 7:30 right now and i'm ready for bed. so after this i am going to sleep.

we have been busy these days and i don't really like that. i feel like i loose perspective on life and i'm just moving on without really settling everything i need to. i'm not really ready either to go on the pace of everyone else. i get exhausted by mid-day... emotionally and physically. just need a nap.

that's it for now.

birthday

had a birthday without P. anticipated tears... feared how i would feel... it came and left... tears did come... what i feared did happen... all those mixed emotions... hurt, pain, happy it's a day of celebration... wishing he was here to make it the right amount of special he had always made it. thought of my birthdays we shared... smiled, cried, missed it... thankful so many people made it special in another way all at the same time having some kind of empty feeling. what are all those feelings?

had a great time with T and A. did lots of fun things, but just loved being with them. again going with mixed emotions and not knowing what to do with all of it. loved seeing everyone then thought of how P and i planned to visit them together. at dinner one night, i thought, if P was here... and then thought of how much fun the four of us would have together. thanks guys for the crab picking, bucketball, T for the late night talks... actually thanks for everything you've done... i love you and so does A.

as the plane was landing here i got really sad. after trips or things i do on my own, usually i get so excited to get to P and tell him everything we did... even if it was like an hour outing... i thought of how i didn't have him to tell every little detail... how he wasn't going to be home, but all at the same time being thankful that i had a home. weird huh? all these emotions that i have to deal with.

thanks for praying for our trip... we had great traveling despite the weather.

please pray as we get back to our own schedule... i was spoiled for four days... slept in the whole time i was with A and T and they took care of her!!!

proud of you

today i had an awesome day. my family who adopted A and i took us with them for their labor day picnic. we drove down to lincoln park zoo, parked the car and biked to some very fun places. we rode to millenium park then to the northerly beach to a secret park and then back. it was like a four hour adventure. i rode with A in a buggie behind me, but because i was new at all this, R had to take the hills... thanks R, i don't know if i could have don't it without you. you're strong. A had a great time with all the kids and didn't want to come home it was so much fun.

i do have to say that throughout the adventure i had one thought in mind, "if only P could see what i'm doing... he'd be so proud of me". (he also would have not let me bike our daughter around like i did... he's a little protective) anyway... i just think, if only i could somehow tell him what i did today...

it was a fun adventurous day and i hope to have more of those as days go on... it makes me feel like i have accomplished something on my own.

please pray for us as we are going on a trip to see some friends, actually they are more like family, for several days. please pray for safe travels and a quick one for A. this is my first trip with just A and i, so pray that i could do everything right, or at least close to it.