BUSTED

So I've had a "few" homesick times this week, wanting ever so much to eat real brownies (didn't get to, but had some fun size candy bars that I got from JM), wanting real Korean food (settled for Korean ramen and kimchi that my student's mom made-actually wanted the duk (rice cakes) in it, but the store ran out), wanting chips (had Doritos that I saved from my mom's package), wanting Jimmy John's because I saw on a friend's Facebook that he just had one (so I went to the store and bought french bread, mayo, mustard, sandwich meat and some lettuce)... It's hard being far away from "home"... but God gives us things to fill it up with....

What's the title BUSTED for? Well, I went to the store today to buy the stuff for making "Jimmy John" sandwiches. Of course if you are going to have sandwiched, you have to get some chips right, so A picks hers and then I picked mine. A asked if she could try mine and I told her she has to eat hers (I mean come on, I'm filling a craving right... Don't mess with me, I'm missing "home"). So on the way to check out, A says, "Mom you know what God says?" I'm like, "what?" and she says, "God says we have to share and He would not be happy if you don't share. So you have to share your chips." I just started laughing... TOTALLY BUSTED, right?

Ugh all those times I tell her she has to share even when I know it's so hard for her and when I had exactly what I wanted, I didn't want to share... I am such a sad case... So, I told her I would and that I was sorry... ha ha... What a mom right?

Two things I thought of...

1. How many times do I tell A something and I myself do not do what I say?
2. How many times does A correct me?


Another story I would like to share about A. Today we went to ballet class and we both forgot to bring her slippers, so of course because she was not like the others, she did not want to join. I spent 20 minutes trying to convince her that it's okay, but she did not want to. So the ice-cream I had promised her before ballet if she did a good job went out the window. After that it was downstream for her. I mean whining, complaining and just outright disobedience. Finally, I asked A what was going on. She just sat there. I asked her if there was something bothering her and she said yes. I asked her what and with the saddest look on her face, she pointed down. I was like what???? Then she said, "Satan keeps telling me to disobey and I don't know what to do." and she started to tear up.

We prayed together and I told her that she needs to tell Satan that she is God's little princess and He can't mess with her and then I told her to pray to Jesus so that He could help her say no to Jesus and give her other ideas. After that, it got significantly better.

As I listened to her, I thought how I wish I could be so sensitive to that... I mean she was so sad. How many times do I give into sin... but like I said before, Satan is on a mission, even attacking our kids...

Just realizing how much more I need to be on my knees for my baby. Life only gets tougher... wait til she gets to real school... or jr. high... or do I even dare to say high school...

Prayer!!!

last day of may

the last day of may... i was thinking about being a single mom the other day and realized that i've been a single mom for two years in may. P went to the capital city to do his course in may... that's when my single parenting started. yes it is quite different from that month, since i could at least talk to him once or twice or three times a day, now i'm really seriously all on my own. so yes his two years since he was out of the house and i was on my own.

the last day of may and i'm really sad that i'm not in the states having bbqs with people. i miss bbqs. nice warm weather, friends around the yard chatting or playing games, the smell of the charcoal burning and a nice juicy steak on the grill, kids running around laughing, ice boxes with cold cold diet cokes... awwww...

the last day of may... in seven days i will be moving!!! there will be things i will miss about this apartment, but i will definitely enjoy my own place!!! waiting room for house all done!!! we are moving to actually what americans would call an apartment... a two bedroom, one living room, a guest room, kitchen, one bathroom apartment. it's on the second floor in a nice quiet neighborhood!!! woo hoo... Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart... Yes Lord i choose to delight in you!!!

the last day of may... i miss my girlfriends lately... KS and AH for the wednesday night pow wows... SR for our hangouts with our girls... BR for our dates to watch movies or whatnot... TB for the text messages we would send to each other and phone calls at all hours of the night, because i was the only one that texted her... RB for living in the same house, she always knew what i needed, whether it was some peace from A or guacamole from the fruit market, she was there... Moms day out girls!!! i miss our study and lunch!!! BS and MS, the two ladies at Bethel who took us out for breakfast... breakfast food sounds sooo good, especially from Sally's... and all my other girl friends. i miss you all. maybe you all could come here for my birthday!!! woo hoo... E's turning 30!!! - i'm so excited that JM is coming... so i don't miss her, just looking forward to her coming and maybe KO too... ha ha...

the last day of may... means that tomorrow is june... it's the middle of the year already and it marks two years since P's been gone.

the last day of may... the Lord is putting rays of sunshine in my life... my hope grows and i trust that the Lord is planning something great in my life. some days it definitely does not feel like it, but even in those days, i will choose to trust that He is good and faithful to the ones He loves.

please pray with me as i ask the Lord to continue to pursue me. i want to have more of Him and less of me in my life.

please pray for A and me as we travel to the beach on wednesday to spend some time with friends. we'll be back sunday.

please pray for a friend as i got a chance to share this past week with him.

Parents

It's very funny when I'm at work and people realize that I am actually the native speaker, that I'm not a national, but that I'm Korean, they ask me what part of Korea my parents are from. So I explain to them that my dad and his family are actually from North Korea and when he was little, he and his family ran to the south when the war was going on. Then they ask if my dad is communist. ha ha... Um no I don't think they would have ran away if they were. So anyway that's usually how my story begins... My dad and mom are from Korea, they met in the SOUTH and immigrated to the states because my dad worked for the Hyundai company and they sent him over. Now like any immigrant, my parents worked very hard and long hours. They sacrificed a lot for the three of us girls. At times while I was growing up, I didn't like that they had to work so hard, I wanted to be like the other families, but that's not the story He had for the L family and sometimes what appears to be good on the other side, is really not so great.

P's grandparents come from Germany and also as immigrants had to work hard, but not only that, but they had to keep their language a secret. I've heard stories from P during our times together. It's amazing the story God writes in each of our lives to make us who we are and from such different backgrounds.

During our wedding shower, I remember LM doing the introduction and that's exactly how she did it... she mapped out where both P and I come from and explained how we are from such different backgrounds, seems like our paths should not have crossed, but GOD brought us together and how that's a beautiful story. So so so true.

Now that I'm a parent, I am really appreciating all that my parents did for me and all that they are doing for me. But not only my biological parents, but my parents in law. I know my parents love me... I'm their daughter, but P's parents really took me in from the first time P's dad told me I had nice chompers. And still they love and support me, both sets of parents. But I am really blessed to have P's parents, that in the midst of all that's happened, they love me, I am family, they support me and trust me in the things I do with their granddaughter, and our relationship is really growing.

I am blessed to have the parents I do. Thanks mom and dad on both sides for loving me, praying for me, supporting me and encouraging me in the walk that I'm walking. I really couldn't do it without you guys behind me. You all mean so much to me. I love you!!!

***ANNOUNCEMENT***

My waiting room for a house did not last long. Some waiting rooms are just like that. I am moving the second week of June. I'm very excited, very ideal for A and me.

It's in a safe neighborhood not far from where I live now. It's a big house and the owners made two apartments on the second floor to rent out. The one A and I would be living is a two bedroom, one bathroom apartment with a kitchen, living room and garage. I'll put up pictures as soon as we get settled. Excited to have people over and party!!! I really like that there is an older national couple living on the first floor and that a couple that I know from language school lives in the other apartment.

God knew exactly what we needed and saved it for us. A and I drove by it today and A said, I can't wait to move!!! I'm glad she's excited, but please pray for her as I know she will be really sad once it happens with the fact that we won't be with those girls.

mission

Today I went to KE’s, a dear friend’s, baby shower. I told you how God brings different people into your path, for however long of a season, to be your friend, your sister, your mentor, your… Well this friend was truly a gift from God when I first got in country. We met at church and I found out that she lived just down the street from me. We got together a few times and we started praying for each other, encouraging each other, sharing life stories... Now she’s having a baby and I’m so excited for her.

On the way home from her shower, I was just thinking about some things and I was baffled at how we as believers have such a lack of faith, me included. I was thinking how so many people don’t know Christ and how it’s so hard to get workers out in the fields to get the gospel out there… and I was just struck by the lack of faith we have and how much Satan does have faith.

Now I know that sounds weird because I know Satan can’t have the same faith as us, but let me explain myself. You see, Satan knows who God is. He knows where his place is. He fears God. So Satan is doing everything in his power to delay Truth to get out because he knows that after that he’s in eternal bondage in hell. When I thought about that, I just thought, if we as followers of Christ had as much awareness as Satan of who our God is and believe that what He says is really going to be true than we would be working as hard as Satan.

I drive through these streets and see people in bondage of poverty, fear, prostitution, homosexuality, gender confusion, idleness, idolatry, pride, abuse, addictions… the list could go on and it could go on in your specific city… And you see Satan’s hold on people’s life, dragging them to witch doctors, hypnotherapists, gurus, psychics, drug dealers… you could fill in the blanks to lead them to destruction. He’s so good at what he does and doesn’t miss a beat. He’s there even as we share the good news getting the people to not listen, think of something else…

Satan actually does that to us too when we are in church or doing our daily quiet times, gets us to miss the point… He wants to distract us. And see that’s what we are. We are a distracted people. And again, this may sound weird, but if we could have the commitment of Satan, then wow would we be starting a revival.

This is I know a very weird comparison, but I know that most of you understand what I’m saying. I’ve been distracted lately… today at the grocery store, I was telling A how I was worried about something. A asked me what worry was and I was so amazed at my answer because it was like God was using my words to speak to me. I told A that worry was doubting God could do something and thinking about it over and over again. Isn’t that so true… Cast your burdens upon me Jesus says, and my worry is also a burden. So these worries that I have been having lately have distracted me from being an effective mother, worker, teacher, friend, and every other definition I fit.

So as I drove home, I asked for forgiveness for not knowing who God is like Satan does, for not fearing God as Satan does (although my fear of God is revering Him and Satan’s fear of God is absolute terror), for not working hard like Satan does.

Satan is out on a mission. He wants to distract us and get as many people to go down to hell with him. If you read Francis Chan’s book, “Crazy Love”, which if you haven’t read my earlier blogs, then you should go pick it up… but anyway in the book it talks about Revelation 3:16 where it talks about how God will spit you out if you are lukewarm. Spit you out!!! Do you understand what that means? You are joining Satan dudes!!! And that struck me in a different chord. Satan’s not only got a hold on those outside of the church, but he’s got those of us in the church… those of us who think we are “safe” because we’re doing “enough” to get by!!! But our heart if we love God and fear Him (revering Him) then just getting by is not enough!!! You are lukewarm people and He’s going to spit you out!!! My sister was telling me how after that chapter she just cried. My friend told me how that just blew him away. Satan is on a mission!!!

Yesterday I heard a man speak at my small group and he was talking about how everyone in the church has a mission. Sometimes the church thinks, just those who pack up everything, get on a plane and leave for some place far has a mission, BUT the great commission dudes is for all of us!!! When I spoke at the women’s retreat that’s what I was telling the group. Once we get up and leave our house, we are on a mission. EVERYTHING SHOULD BE ABOUT JESUS!!! DO YOU HEAR ME…. EVERYTHING!!!!! When you are at lunch, when you are at work, when you are on the El train, when you are taking a walk in the park, when you are at McDonald’s with your kids it should be about Jesus and everyone you meet, whether it be at the grocery store, the bank, the gas station, the shoe store… it needs to be about Jesus. Dude I’m not saying this because this is what I do, but I say this because Satan’s on a mission. We need to be too. Jesus already won… what are we waiting for? Let’s get to the party quicker by doing our part!!!

Praying for a revival in all the nations, in every tribe and in every tongue!!! Let there be a revival. Lord send your spirit!!!

**I have said this before, but I am no theologian so my way of explaining things may be a little colored for some people… Sorry that’s just what’s in my heart!!**

ANNOUNCEMENT!!!! - AEP is now riding a two-wheeler with no training wheels!!!

Prayers Please

Today I realize, that in one month, it will have been two years since P's death. Funny how this second year is seemingly harder than the first... Maybe because the first year I was just getting back to this country and getting settled, jet lagged and a little out of it... but this year for some reason, it has started a little early and seems to bring sadness to my heart.

For church today, A and I went to the international church for the first time on a Sunday service. I just needed a break and it was so good to have an English sermon with English speaking friends. I was a little frustrated that A did not want to go to Sunday School even though her friends from school were there, but she did sit quietly in the adult service. Then a lady I know asked us to come over for lunch so we could talk and A and her daughters could play together. We had a great time and afterward came home to nap. I really was praying that today would be a good Sabbath and that's what it turned out to be...

I tell the day's story because after our nap, we had a great mommy daughter time and during that time we watched some home made video clips. As I watched one after the other... I realized a couple things...

Although it's only going to have been two years, I feel like it's been forever... in which I feel like I've aged and therefore expect A to be more mature than she needs to be. I realize that she was only two when she lost her daddy and now she's only four... She's a kid and I think because I had to grow up in so many ways since P died, that she also has. I do think in some ways she has some things above others her age, but... really, she's four... she should be testing her limits and still have some separation anxiety... and because I'm tired and want to be a part of things, I realize that I just want her to grow up. I'm being so unfair to her.

And as this two year mark is coming up, I find that there were some things I had hoped for, but it did not happen or it went a totally different direction. Sometimes when you find yourself in that kind of situation, you look back and examine what has happened, re-evaluate your expectations and move on from there, but there is some part of grief that comes with it.

So on top of all this internal emotional junk I'm going through, to go through the daily life stuff and natural challenges that come with life in relationships or other things, I find myself wanting to run.... just run from everything... maybe go to Greece. I really want to go to Greece.

My friend, TB, tells me I have one more month to be crazy and after that, my craziness is not excusable. :) Maybe I'll take that ticket of craziness and actually do something crazy since I haven't done anything yet (or least definable as crazy). :) Greece anyone?

How could two years feel like so long? A friend was asking what I was going to do for the two year... I really don't know. In one part I feel like to ask people to keep remembering with me may be too much for them... In another part I feel like it's crazy that only two years ago I was sitting on the cold tiles of the ICU hallway, just trying to figure out what had happened... So much has happened, so much has been worked through, so many tears have been shed, so many calls have been made, so many blogs have been typed...

When A turned two, four months before P died, we couldn't believe how time had flown by. P and I both couldn't believe that our little baby was this cute two year old toddler, walking around talking... These two years I feel like could be the same... even though it's hard and I want to run away... I also think...

How much we have grown these two years. How much we have done. How far we have come. How great is our God. How I didn't even think a day would come where I could be ERP all over again. How big my baby is growing and how I don't want to miss a beat of that. How we are all the way on the other side of the world. How we both can keep smiling and find joy in life.

In one part it is hard and sad, but the other part is... Wow look at us now... God has turned a torn up, defeated, sad, bitter, angry widow into a hopeful, joyful, obedient, loving, growing daughter of His... striving day after day to be closer and closer to Him and grow her daughter to be the same.

So I covet your prayers during this next month... I don't know if any of you know kind of what I'm talking about... but... I know the Lord is good and I trust His goodness written all over my life... but my days are a little cloudy lately (literally since it's been raining like crazy, but also figuratively). I just ask that you pray that in this I could continue to find joy and not get sooo gloomy. I have my responsibilities as a mom, as a worker, and as everything else in life... Pray that I could find time and a place to cry when I need to... Pray for me as a mom, to always remember A's need and not just try to take care of my own. Pray for A, I know she doesn't realize what day is what... but that God will continue to comfort her as she sees other girls with their daddies and kids running around with their daddies. Pray for protection of bad thoughts or memories during this month.

God is good... just as He has brought me through these past two years, I know He will help me through this month. I feel like two years is a big turning point. Maybe that's why people say give them two years before becoming normal... :) So all this time I wasn't normal... I'm getting there...

Total Opposite order of how I wanted the pictures...

.

Our first weeks back in the states...

In Amsterdam on a layover on our way to states...

At the airport getting ready to go...

Last daddy day with daddy... a week before P's death.

Our last family outing to Seaworld before the month of school for P.
**Sad no pictures of P and me**

Best daughter in the World...

My daughter is only 4, but I really think the Lord has blessed me with a mature girl who will serve the Lord in great ways as she grows. Today, I took the girls from my study out for doughnuts and had our discussion at the doughnut shop. I originally planned to take one of A's friends with us so that that she could have someone to play with, but that didn't work out. I was so proud of my daughter... She helped me do my ministry by being content on her own. I mean seriously for two hours as we discussed, she looked through a magazine at another table and I don't even really know what she was doing, but she was so content doing whatever it was that she was doing. In the middle, I called her over and told her how well she was doing and told her if she kept it up that she would get to go on rides afterward. And no kidding the whole time, she stayed at the other table doing something with that magazine, she had a pen, so who knows, but she was soooo good. So of course I kept my word and took her to go on a ride... She was so excited to go on this robot ride. I love my daughter!!! She definitely is a gift from God...

Privacy...

In this country there is no concept of personal space, there is actually no word for it and when I try to explain it to people, it is totally a foreign idea to them. It's like why would anyone want that. So there are multiple families living in one house... they are all related, but grandparents will have like three children and their spouses and kids living in the same house... So here you give people privacy and almost act like they don't exist if they think the other needs privacy... although you could probably hear what's going on.

So, I say this because the other day, I was having a moment. With Mother's day and being far away from my mom... not even being able to call my mom or my mother-in-law, knowing I would probably cry, I just felt sad. As my therapy is shopping, on Mother's day, I took A shopping... then Monday came and I was still feeling sad... I had class and I felt that if I went to class, I would just end up crying the whole time... so... what did I do... I called them and said I could not make it and started driving. Going to our apartment was not an option due to the fact that our helper was there... I called a friend, but she was out... where do I go... I started crying more due to the frustration I was feeling... there was no place to go to even cry... no park, no empty place... there are just people everywhere... so I just kept driving. I drove an hour toward a place called Kampung Daun... passed there and just kept going... My plan was to drive til all my tears were gone.... and that took a little over an hour. Soooooo thankful like my friend HB said for cars...

That whole drive was a sweet time with Jesus. The Lord has been teaching me more and more to just come to Him. In the beginning, I think He knew how much I needed, so not only was He around, but He gave me tons of friends to support me and be there for me... answer my phone calls at all hours of the night... Lately... as I call friends, God just doesn't let me connect with them. He wants me to come to Him first. I am learning quickly that who I need to hear from is Him... I need to hear His sweet voice, not my friends. When I have everything settled in my heart with Him, then He opens ways for me to talk to friends. It's great because I make more sense after I've talked to Him too... It's not a lot of jumble mumble that I say hoping that they will understand.

So in the car, I just talked to Jesus... I told Him all that was in my heart. The good things, the bad things, the hard things, the unfair things, the expected things, the discouraging things... and in the midst of that... I just knew He was listening to my every word and glad that I was coming to Him. How great is that huh?

I want to make one thing clear before I go on... I want to say that I'm not complaining here. I think sometimes we as parents could see if our children are complaining or just letting us know what they are thinking in their hearts... I really think that this time with Jesus was me letting Him know all that is in my heart... not complaining. I was inviting Him in actually into this complex thought process of mine because I didn't want to end up complaining.

There are so many things that I had expected, but it did not happen the way I planned... I planned to live with P til he was bald and my hair turned grey... that didn't happen... I planned to have lots of children (although P said we'll see after each one...)... that didn't happen... and sometimes... I think of how my life is so not the way I planned or wanted and I told God the other day of all the expectation I had that haven't come true and just wondering when my turn will come... because I see other people praying about things and getting what they are asking for... I not only got what I had taken from me, but I also am not getting what I want... and sometimes people get something I want and they never wanted it in the first place... and after I let out everything in my heart, I heard God ever so gentle voice tell me... But that's their story... I am making your story and it's not going to be the same as them. And I sensed the Lord telling me that this is about me and Him... so I shouldn't look at them.

And so that's all I needed to hear... God is writing my story. He is writing a love story between me and Him... and some of my story will link with others, some more intimately than others, there may be some chapters that intertwine... but the main thing is it's between me and God. And I just think how God has grown me over these years to make me more confident in His promises. Though my heart was feeling sad and heavy at how I wished it was different, I also knew that a day will come that my prayers will be answered and when that day comes, I will be a more sharpened, mature, holy woman because of the way God is shaping me through this waiting process of all the desires of my heart.

I am honored and encouraged at the e-mails that I get saying how much I encourage them and how they are jealous of the way the Lord is working in my life. But at the same time, I think it's funny because man do I have a long way to go....

John 15 talks about the pruning process... I am really loving that chapter. If you read that chapter, if you want to bear good fruit, you have to be pruned in order for it to produce more fruit... and it just then reminds me of how God uses us in our weakness. When we don't have much... when all is taken away from us... when you have to live in a "hotel room"... when you have to drive around to cry in private... all those things is our weakness, what we didn't expect, but the Lord uses that to bear more fruit... because in those times we need Him more and then... we grow more and we want to do more. So bring it on... I will suffer for Christ if it brings Him all the glory. I will have my weaknesses if Jesus would be known more through them. Prune me Lord... It hurts, but how awesome it is that your love endures through those times and when I remain in you... I will bear more fruit!!!

Tomorrow I leave for the women's retreat at our church here. Please pray for the time. I speak on Thursday, Wednesday stateside time. I don't know the exact time, but I'm really excited. Please pray for words as I am speaking my third language (English 1st, Korean 2nd) and it's on a pretty heavy topic, but that's what the Lord has brought to my heart, so... Please pray!!!

speaker?

next week we will have a holiday for the ascension of Jesus on thursday. so our church is going to have a women's retreat. the men will stay home and watch the children for those that are married. it's been announced for a couple months or so, but i never thought i was going to go with A and not knowing who would take her or if i could bring her. then all of a sudden, i was asked to speak to the younger women about how to live in the calling. woah... that's a big task. i didn't know if i wanted to and again didn't know if that was best for A. i prayed about it for a couple days and felt the Lord giving me peace about it and excitement. so i said yes... that very night... my friend, EMF, that i am living with, says that she talked to her husband and he is going to watch their two girls and A so i could go to the retreat. funny how when you obey to what the Lord wants you to do, He has the rest planned for you. so i want to ask all of you to pray for me. this will not be in English for one and i just want to speak through the spirit and nothing of myself. so praying about what the Lord has for me to share and that i would be a good middle woman. it is next week may 12-13. so please pray for me, but also pray for A as we will be away again.

also please continue to pray for housing...