dunking in lake michigan

when A started eating baby food, we would pray with her before she ate.  as she started learning words, i taught her a korean prayer that's a cute little song for kids that is specifically for before you eat.  as A started putting phrases together one of the first things she would say was, "pray _______" and would fill in the blank with people in her life.  this would happen at any time of the day, most of the time multiple times during the day, stopping her daddy or me from whatever we were doing to put her in our lap so that we could pray for whoever she brought up.  at times it would be people that we had been praying for, others it would be random, but mostly it was for the kids that played at our house, her aunts and uncles and us.  a little after she turned 2, P started meeting with a guy, JR.  he was not a believer and P and this other guy from our school would meet with him often, telling him about Christ and walking him through that process.  during that time JR came to our house a lot and loved on A, so naturally she began saying, "pray JR".  but he was the focus of her prayer for like two weeks at one point.  at the end of those two weeks, P got a call from JR telling him that he accepted Jesus as his Savior and couldn't wait to tell us about it.  i don't think at that time she fully understood what it meant to be a believer, but i have no doubt that she was used by God through those prayers we lifted up.

at age two, A lost her daddy.  through many discussions, A began to understand more and more that daddy was in heaven.  she learned that for her to get to heaven she needed to believe in Jesus and that's all she needed to know.  as she grew, she understood more and more what it meant to believe in Jesus, that believing in Jesus isn't about daddy.  believing in Jesus was about her and her sin.  i remember a time last year when she came up to me and told me that she was dirty because she is a sinner.  then she told me that she wanted to write a book so that people could know that and believe in Jesus so that they could be clean and go to heaven.  her theology grew.

when A was four, she asked me if she could be baptized.  i told her that i would like her to be a little older so she could understand what it means and remember that special day.  she argued me saying that she believes in Jesus and that she should be baptized.  maybe it wasn't a fight i should have fought, but i really thought she should be older.

about a month ago, our church announced that there would be a day of baptism in august and that if anyone was interested that they should talk to one of the pastor's.  i brought it up to A and told her to pray about it.  she said she wanted to, so we went to talk to a pastor.  as the days passed and we were praying about being baptized, talking about it and stuff, i guess A was processing the whole thing...  a couple weeks after having met the pastor, A comes up to me during our quiet time and says, "mom, i want to believe in Jesus so i could remember this time."  she brought me this book she was reading for her quiet time that had a prayer written in it for those who wanted to commit their life to Christ.  she read through it on my lap and then walked off to finish her quiet time.

today, my little girl was baptized in lake michigan.  it was a proud moment for me as well as an emotional experience.  my little girl... the more she grows the heavier the responsibility i feel as a mom.  i pray and lately i feel like wow i need to be on my knees more for this little one, who actually isn't so little anymore.

please be praying with me for this little one!!!

Back??

this evening i sit on my bed thinking about my blog.  i really enjoyed blogging, sending my thoughts out to the unknown world of cyberspace...  maybe someone would read it, but if not... at least it's off my chest, right?  it's been about a year since I quit blogging for the public.  it was because I didn't feel like I was connecting with people on a personal basis.  i would get a little hurt when people would tell me that they are reading my blog, wanting the personal relationship of e-mail, letters, texts, phone calls, or coffee (although i don't drink it, i'd love to sit and talk over it, i'll have a diet coke or a chai tea latte, but actually i found a new favorite, but can't remember the name), especially people who i thought would use other means than the blog.  over the course of this year, i learned a lot.  some of the posts that i had written while i was AWOL, i didn't post because they were some personal things, reflected this time of learning.

i learned that life now is on the blog, on facebook, on twitter...  but very rarely face to face.  american life is busy.  people are constantly racing time and lose to it, even with the countless amounts of coffee or energy drinks that we consume.  i fall into the same category at times.  i went to lunch to a friend's house a few days ago and she told me, "you're so busy."  and i thought... wow really am i??  i really thought that i try so hard not to be busy, but there is no hiding from it.  we are a people that schedules things way in advance and rarely does anything spontaneous.  we are a people with our cellphones in our hands all the time checking e-mail or facebook or the latest news.  we are a people that has earphones in our ears almost all the time in public.  we aren't very good at the personal deep relationships anymore... whatever is on facebook is what you get, as well as the other 598 other "friends" in their life.

i am not trying to be negative at all, though it may sound like it.  i'm just saying that in the year i've been off my blog, i had to learn that this is the life.  i still get face to face time with my friends and i still e-mail with my friends and others i write letters to.  i do have deep personal relationships with people, but i'm learning to understand that in the states relationships are shallow and wide.  i've lived in a place where it was a small pool of people and those people were it, you either break it or make it and if you make it, it's deep, personal and goes a long way.  two and a half years back in the states and still adjusting to some cultural differences.  this has just been a big piece.

so i think i may give this a try again.  i do still have friends that this is a good way to keep in touch because of distance...  it is a good outlet for me... and i love to write!!  please  bear with me as i begin again...

wood year

for 5 years of marriage, people are supposed to give wood for a present.  5 years after a death... maybe a bandaid.  the serious bandaging is over and over the years it's not as bad, but come to the day and it seems to open up on it's own that little scar... not as serious as the bandaging that was needed in the beginning, but enough that some antiseptic will make it sting and a bandaid will do.  it's not a big deal so you just want to ignore it, but throughout the day you accidentally bump it on something and it reminds you that it needs to be taken care of.

today it's a double header.  P's death and father's day are always around the same time and as much as i want to celebrate my dad and P's dad it makes it hard for me... but today it's on the same day.  i was talking to a friend this morning and we were discussing how certain days are just the most horrible days for some.  mother's day are torturous for all the women out there that want to be moms and can't or for the women who never had a mother or had an absent mother for one reason or the other.  father's day could be the same.  

A and i are vacationing in oklahoma city.  today we went to the zoo.  families everywhere...  it's like that on other days as well, but days like today make it suck.  and i just pray that A will not notice and have fun.  

i miss P everyday.  i want A to remember her wonderful daddy.  my heart hurts today.  

crisis counseling

tonight, i was convicted that i am not called to do crisis counseling.  i experienced another crisis today and i do not know, but my ability to be strong for others has gone down.  i cannot seem to keep myself together.

i was in crisis counseling class tonight when we heard an announcement, "we are on a lock down.  this is not a drill.  we are on a lock down."  my mind went blank, but i did all that we were supposed to do, like a mindless robot.  i closed my laptop and walked to the corner.  i sat next to friends and waited.  our prof told us to pray and so we did.  prayed for safety, prayed for the situation, prayed for the people involved in the situation... then i noticed i was shaking.  i couldn't stop.  i took deep breaths, but it really didn't help.  a classmate leaned against my legs and i wanted to support her, but after a while because i was so shakey, i couldn't.  after a while it stopped...

i thought about A, i thought about how the shots may penetrate the wall, i thought about what life for A would be like without me, i thought about how fear had overcome me, i thought about how quickly fear had overcome, i thought about how thankful i was for the guys in our class that stood by the door to protect, i thought...

it was a scary.  i was shaken up.  it was scary to walk to the car.  but on the way home, i was reminded that my faith is on built on solid ground.  i was reminded that God knows all things.

so it is in the Lord that i will put my trust and it is in the Lord that i will live my life.