connections

today we joined many in celebrating two people's union in marriage.  our friend, big c, got married...  he is a good friend of P's and has continued to honor that friendship by relating with me and A and also with my in-laws.

in the fall of 2006, P got an e-mail from a high school friend, JP.  JP's girlfriend's brother was moving to indo and JP asked where we lived and if P would be his friend as he settled into life in indo.  Jp's girlfriend's brother is big c.  so december of 2006, big c comes to indo and begins coming to our house almost every week to spend time with P and another guy PY for prayer and accountability.  it fed my tank as well because i love serving and cooking... so the nights these guys came i got to cook and serve them.

and that's when the connections start.  big c's mom and P's mom went to the same elementary school (i think... some school) and their dads (the moms' dads) were in the same hospital before going to be with the Lord.  big c's mentor is the guy that P interviewed for his thesis paper in grad school...  P's high school friend ended up marrying big c's sister...  there are so many other connections with this family and ours... it goes back a couple generations...

in the beginning of this semester i went into a class to find a crazy connection... this guy comes up to me at break and says, "you're EP".  i'm like yup.. AC is friend's with big c and had heard of me and P.  later in the semester, AC was talking about hanging out with big c at some cabin in the middle of nowhere in kansas.  as he described it, i told him, "ummm i think that's my family's land you were on..."  sure enough he had spent that week at our family cabin P's dad made in memory of P.  AC stood at big c's wedding today.

at the wedding, i saw this couple come into the sanctuary and i was like i know those people... the wife was one of the ladies that helped prepare things for us to leave indo when P died.  she was so kind... bought A a backpack full of fun things to play with on the plane and snacks...  the husband was the man who if he wasn't there at the airport, stuck in immigration with me, the day we left indo a year ago, we would not have left indo.  so finally after a year, i got to say thank you to this wonderful couple...

connections...  somehow we are all connected to different people and it works in God's amazing intricate plan.

at dinner, dad talked about how through the whole ceremony he thought of P and i... how big c reminded him of how P looked when he saw me walking down the aisle... eyes watering... the commitment they made to serve the Lord together wherever the Lord takes them... we'll never look at things the same way anymore.  i know that when they were saying their vows, i just thought... "til death do us part"... some powerful words you are saying...  powerful words i have said... you really don't know the weight of it... Lord willing, if i get married again, i want to take that part out.  :)

through all these connections, our lives weave together, in and out of each other's seasons of life... effecting one another, some very little, some very big...

i was really blessed through the ceremony today... it was all pointed up toward God and was so intentional of explaining this is just a taste of what the final wedding celebration of Jesus as the bridegroom and we as his bride will be like.  i saw a man crazy in love with the sweetest, cutest woman... and i thought of what a beautiful picture that was.  thankful that i once had someone that looked at me the same way and hopeful that one day i will have that again... a man crazy about me and my daughter, no questions asked, you look at him and you'll know.  that's what i saw today.

my friend and i talk a lot about how marriage is work.  we all have to work at a good marriage, but that doesn't mean you settle.  some people, and i have to say i'm one of them (at times), think... well if it's work, then just marry anyone and it could work... so not true!!!  i am reminded again how crucial it is to look the way you feel!  again, today i saw a man and a woman totally in love with God and in love with each other.  and i texted that friend after the wedding and said how i am praying that we both find someone that is totally head over heals for us and then we could work through the rest.

i feel like i rambled a lot, but really... this is all the crazy thoughts that went through my head today.  now i have to study for my biblical theology and interpretations class.  :)

congrats to AC and CC!!!  you guys are great together and i really appreciated seeing how God worked to bring the two of you together.  God is good!!  praising God with you guys for today's celebration and looking forward to see how God uses you as a couple for His glory!!

beautiful things

Beautiful Things - Gungor

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

Suffering, pain, hurt, tears... all of this is part of life in this broken world.  Jesus in John 16 gives us hope... He tells us to "Take Heart for I have overcome the world!!"  Lord Jesus come.  I'm tired of feeling the pain, the suffering, the hurt, the tears of this broken fall world... O to be with you... I long to be with you!  You are my hope... You make beautiful things... out of dust... out of us... as this spring season arrives and life is showing itself... i hope in the only thing that gives life... out of chaos life is being found in You!!  

Woe to those who call evil good 
    and good evil, 
who put darkness for light
    and light for darkness, 
who put bitter for sweet
    and sweet for bitter.

 - Isaiah 5:20-

this was in my devotion this morning... my heart is heavy with this being the reality of life... our life... my life... Lord bring healing, freedom, joy, laughter, hope, love... may we draw near to you... make me new!!!

beauty found in my everyday life... reminders that hope is rising from the ground...

my all time favorite tree

struggle

people of God - Gungor


we could have tongues of angels
we could move mountains with our faith
we could give everything away
but if we don't have love
we're left with nothing

we could see blind eyes opened
know all the mysteries of our faith
we could sing all the highest praise
but if we don't have love
we're left with nothing

people of God rise up
rise up and shine God's love
we are the light of the world
of the world oh
we are the light of the world
of the world oh

love is the what holds it all together
love never fails, it never dies
there is no deeper truth
we know that God is love, our God is love
tear down the walls that divide us
let love rebuild and unite us
all we need is
all we need is love


our job as future counselors is to instill hope in people... hope in their situation... hope in their future... hope... but i struggle... if ethically i cannot share Jesus... where is there hope without Jesus.  i'm just telling them they could do it all on their own... but they can't.  they need Jesus.  Lord as i wrestle with this, let me see how you are going to use me in all this... i want to be bold in truth, i want to share Christ, the only hope in life, i don't want to live in fear... but there has to be a balance somewhere in all this right??  my heart is heavy with the task set before me... 


i put this song because... i like how it says, "people of God rise up... rise up and shine God's love... we are the light of the world..."  


you see as i study hard to be a counselor and i learn all the rules of dos and don'ts and what i'm supposed to in a session... i think of this... how we are to be the light of the world... that means in my office as well.  as i see clients... i am to be the light.  Lord teach me on how to do that... your truth should not be hidden no matter what laws say or what persecutions may come with... not that we should not respect that, but you are above all that... and as i press into you... i pray that i will have wisdom and discernment to be your light led by the spirit that lives in me.

a little embarrassed

from our celebration!!!

we had a great celebration yesterday.  after A's school we drove to one of my favorite places, chicago... we went to the free zoo and looked at all the animals.  i love being outdoors!!!  the sun radiating its brilliance as the breeze blows in your face... ugh it was utter bliss!!!  my daughter is totally the coolest kid too.  we laughed a lot yesterday and at the end of the day she said, "mom you're the best mom.  today was the best day!!"  after the zoo we went to chuck e cheese.  A got a gift card for her birthday so we went there and played a while, then had dinner.  it was a really good day!!!  so blessed.

while we were celebrating though, i realized that most of the time we talked about indo.  we talked about how much we missed it, the people, the food... we talked and laughed hard thinking of the crazy things that happened while we were in indo.  and as we shared stories, i was a little embarrassed... in my reflections i thought a lot of what blessings came with being here, but didn't really spend time thinking about what we missed there, not on purpose, but just amazed at God's goodness.  we really miss being there... i hate the torn feeling... when you're there you miss here and when you're here you miss there!!!  the sounds, the traffic (as much as i like the organized traffic here, i miss the chaotic mess there), the terus-men (they are the parking guys), the people, my co-workers, my family, walking (i miss being able to walk everywhere!!), the green, the yummy food (this is one of the top misses i have), ....

one story we talked about was mattress sliding.  my friends at work had a cinco de mayo party one year and we went over there... one of the guys wanted to entertain A, so he set up all the mattresses in the house on the stairs for A, then got out sleeping bags so that she could slide down.  it took several mattresses, pillows and creativity, but by the end, A and all the adults were laughing hysterically as they climbed into the sleeping bag sliding down two sets of stairs.  hilarious!!! (here are the pictures)

showing A how to do it

there she goes

this is seriously how fun it was!!!

another story we talked about was A sliding down our neighborhood 15 feet or so hill that led up to our neighbor's yard.  A and her friends would take a piece of wood and slide down this concrete hill....  it was so simple yet so much fun for these kids!!!  

this is the concrete slide with the piece of wood (usually cardboard)

kids on our porch playing... miss this!!

face painting

i spent a good chunk of the night last night, looking at old pictures of when we were in indo and so blessed for the wonderful meaningful memories that i have with so many different people that God has put in our path.  He has truly been good to us!!!  I love that we have a home there no matter what!!!  i love how much we have grown... as i looked at the pictures, i kept thinking... "wow i've grown so much since then... wow A is huge now!!"

so one year here, means one year away from there... it goes together!!!  A wanted to take a trip there to celebrate our one year... maybe one day...

til then... Lord let your name be down in these places!!!

1 year... 4/23/2012

52 weeks in a year... 365 days in a year... this year it was 366 because it was leap year.  a year ago we landed in the US... i would like to say that we were ready to enter into life here at the time, but as much as i prepared... nothing could have prepared me for this year.  so much has happened and i really can't believe it's only been a year.  it feels like so long ago.  :)

i thought that i would share some thoughts... 52 blessings for the 52 weeks we have been here... and several things i have learned and want to grow in...

52 blessings...

1. our church family.  the way they love on us and take care of us!! (like the house warming shower!!)
2. my family...  it's nice to be closer to both sides of the family.  i could tell that they are committed to loving us and taking care of us.  thanks...
3. the M family for letting us stay at their place the first months while our condo was under renovation.
4. JM (Red)... she has such a servant heart... i am so thankful for her letting us use her car as she got rides to work... she's watched A for me, helped me study for my math test and my GAD... so much more...
5. GM, MR, AL...  these guys worked so hard in making my condo look the way it does now!!  from knocking down walls, putting my floors in, painting the walls...  they are truly a blessing in my life.
6. the sun... in indo the sun is up exactly 12 hours (on good days)... so i love days when the sun is out longer and i get to enjoy it...
7. traffic.  i love how organized and neat our traffic is.  
8. TB... she texts me a lot from far away to check up on me, just like she used to.  making me feel like i'm not missing a thing back in indo.
9. JM (the one overseas)... she's been my accountability partner for this year.  so nice to have someone who understands the cultural stuff i'm going through.
10. hot showers... there are days that i miss me those mandis with a gayung, but i do really appreciate the hot showers in our house.
11. our condo... it is a place of light... it is a place of peace... it is a place of joy... it is a place of comfort and security.  i praise God for this wonderful house and to CW for helping us find it and going through the paperwork overseas.
12. A's school and her teacher.  i am glad that A got a believing teacher in a fairly dominant christian community.  have met some good families and pray for continued growth in relationships there.
13. skype... being able to communicate with those overseas through skype is a blessing on both sides.
14. chicago... it is one of my favorite places.  i drive down 94 and once you drive around this turn (i think around kimball), you see the city and it makes you smile.  
15. God's amazing hand in my life, in A's life... the way He is growing us and His hand in every part of our life...  i love looking back and seeing what He has done.
16. water...  i love that i could turn on the sink and drink the water... i know it sounds like such a simple thing to be thankful for, but let me tell you... unless you have tried turning a 5 gallon jug of clean purified water upside down into the water dispenser... you just don't know.  :)
17. my girls' study group on thursday nights!!  (thanks for growing with me!!)
18. my wednesday sisters at school!!! (RB, KH & BB... you girls are great!!!)
19. RP - she is a friend from school.  a blessing is all i can call her.  she challenges me, prays with me, speaks truth to me, has been helping me through some tough things in life.
20. my drives to school... it's the best time to pray!!  God really meets me on my drives to and from school.
21. KB... our nanny!!!  with the little pay that i give her... she loves on my daughter and invests in her like P invested in KB... just what she wanted to do.
22. green grass... to run around on the cold green grass barefoot and to to cartwheels!!  
23. my formation group at school.  although it is mandatory... i love my group.
24. my professors, classmates and program!!!  it has been such a blessing to be around all of them.
25. chapel.  i went to public schools all my life... to be at a christian school where we could attend chapel if we want...  such a blessing.  i loved that i have been able to go and worship1!!
26. my classes... some of them have been a great reflection time and challenging introspection of self.
27. free fun in chicago... museums, zoos, fun!!!  
28. aunts and uncles that love on A!!
29. friends who help with A so that i could have fun, go to school, get work done!!!
30. panera and starbucks chai tea lattes... mmmmm~
31. diet coke... bad addiction, but it's my source of caffeine.  :)
32. my oven.  the other day i thought of our little box oven in indo and was so thankful for the oven i have, although i loves the adventures that came with the box.
33. winter.  i love snow!!  it makes me smile and brightens my day.  
34. police officers and firemen.  to know there are people out there protecting us.  (my neighbor is a police officer... i like it.)
35. late night talks with AH.
36. seasons...  this year i really enjoyed God's beauty throughout each season... the array of colors and the wonderful work of God's hand that i saw was amazing.
37. the me that i'm becoming.
38. target...  i really do like target.
39. our neighborhood.  everything is about a mile away...  grocery store, park, panera, A's school, good places to eat, the metra,...
40. ymca... our newfound fun place!!
41. swimming pools.  now that summer is returning we are reminded of our summer at the pool!!  
42. the cultural diversity in chicago.  i love that we could drive to different parts and feel like we are in a totally different place.
43. library... good books, free games, movies, books on tape, fun!!!
44. sidewalks... 
45. A's growth... emotionally, spiritually (memorizing scripture), physically (she's catching up to her aunt real quick!! :) ), intellectually (she's starting to read... amazing!!)
46. A's adjustment... this little girl has gone through a lot in the past four year... tons of moving, adjusting, getting used to different people & places... yet she is resilient and amazing at how well she adjusted through this year of incredible change!!!
47. friendships... old and new... they have all walked me through this time of transition!!
48. counseling... i have really enjoyed my counseling sessions... helped me transition back to the states and really let me work through a lot of different areas of my life.  praising God that i haven't gone to counseling in 2 months and He's walking me through each step as my counselor.
49. my balcony... it's a great place to sit and reflect, talk to God and look at the vast sky that reminds me of how small i am... the comfort that comes with that...
50. trader joe's... my favorite place to get food.
51. dishwasher, washer and dryer... i think of how laundry is done overseas... so thankful i have these machines to help with my chores...
52. God's constant leading of the new day.

several things i have learned and grown in...

1. my God is bigger than me.  i can plan all i want, but the Lord leads each step.
2. i do not want to get comfortable here.  this is not my final destination.  i want to continue living heaven bound...
3. i need to be patient... God's plans are not always in the same timing as i have planned it... be patient and let Him hold the reigns... 
4. my relationship with Christ comes first... no matter how many papers are due during the week, no matter how much sleep i get, no matter how many things there are on the to-do list...  nothing goes before Christ.
5. self-care.  i need to remember to do things that bring life to me... that refills my tank so that i could function.  i'm not a machine or a robot.  my emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical tanks need to me filled and i need to take time to take care of it, or i'll break down like a machine.
6. i don't have to act tough and i don't need to be strong, acting like i have it all together.  i don't have to protect everyone... i've learned that i need to cry when i need to or it catches up with me, physically, emotionally and relationally... it's okay to be tired and ask for help.
7. i learned that i need to bring to light the things in the dark, and though it hurts, have God work on it.
8. live your fullest today... who knows what will happen tomorrow.  take it a day at a time.
9. love... 
10. abide!!!

these are just a few... tons more!!!  but i just wanted to share a little.  praising God for His goodness and faithfulness in our year here... eagerly and hopefully waiting to see what's to come in the next year.

this weekend, A went to be with my sister as i went to my last modular class and as i celebrated a couple friends' birthdays.  when i went to pick A up, i picked up a dove's chocolate in my sister's candy stash...  this is what dove said to me...

"those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves."  

i enjoy bringing happiness to others... need to continue to remember to take care of me!!!  a big thanks to my sister for letting me take care of me!!!

happy one year in the states...  going to the free zoo and using our gift card at chuck e cheese!!  yay!!

**realized this morning that this is A's first full year in the states since the day she was born.  she left here at 6 months and hasn't been in the states for one full year until now.  crazy!!!**

unexpected meeting

last night i had two birthday parties... since i had my modular classes, i asked my sister to take A one more night so i could go and have some fun after my class.  (thanks unni for taking her!!  it was a blessing.)

so i go to both parties , the first one was a friend's surprise 30th birthday party and the second one was someone at school... at the second one i met someone that was so random... you know the song "it's a small world after all..."  well that's what happened.

the second party was a birthday party of a classmates.  i went and mingled with some of the people there, besides the birthday boy, i only knew two other people so i was really just getting acquainted with everyone.  anyway... i got to talking with this guy... we started talking because he wanted to know what nationality i was.  he is married to a korean and wanted to know if i was or not.  anyway... we start talking... he knows the birthday guy through church... he asked how i got interested in counseling... he's a psychologist himself...  he talked about the churches he's been at... uptown baptist was one... i told him i had heard of it... he asked how... i told him our church used to do things with uptown... he asked what church... i said bethel... he said he was saved at bethel... then we talked about the people he knew.  he asked how long i've been going there... then we talked about other things... then he asked how i started going to bethel... told him i was married into it... he asked how long i've been married... i said it would have been seven years... he was like what does would have been mean... i told him my husband passed... then he asked what my husband's name was... i told him... and he was like, "you're PP's wife??"  ummmm yup... he then goes into telling me how he knows MG, P's high school youth pastor and how he met P when P came for his first mission trip to chicago with MG... then when P was a JAM leader, P worked with this guy as a connection to uptown baptist... sooooo crazy... that's how the night went... we kept finding these connections.  we had a great talk and it was such a blessing.

we sometimes get these unexpected meetings... but it's interesting how God uses that.  it was somewhat of a healing night for me.  very timely!!!

she's one of us

i had a modular class this weekend.  we met once a month i think three times and that was our class.  i love it because it feels like a retreat with some pretty awesome people and one of my favorite profs.  anyway... the class was on child and adolescent counseling.  it has been a pretty awesome class...  today we talked about some disorders and one of them is called reactive attachment disorder.  the prof was talking about symptoms and stuff... and all of a sudden... i could hear P (not literally, but just in my head) say, "she's one of us."  i smiled real big...

i used to be a teacher and P subbed where i worked... that's where we met.  P would always tell me how good i was with kids and asked me how i get kids to like me.  when the kids would like follow me around or just run to me and hug me, P would say, "they're thinking... she's one of us!"  at first i thought, he thinks i'm immature, but he explained that it was because he thought they could feel that i genuinely love them and care for them so they just come to me...  one of the best compliments ever.  i had forgotten about that until today...

i love being with children.  i had forgotten that... or suppressed it because i was just so tired of being a single mom... but as i pray about where i would like to do my counseling and what area i would like focus on... i think about how much fun i had loving on the kids in class... in my sunday school... in the different ministries i was involved in... in indonesia...  i enjoy it and find joy in it!!  it makes me smile just thinking about it.  what joy!!  so as i think and pray about my future... i think of "she's one of us" and ask God how he's going to use that...  i'm so thankful for the Lord using words of encouragement from before and continually building me up now!!

A's second birthday party with all our neighbor kids her age.

hearts for the people

finished my paper last night... Praise God!!  and usually on thursday mornings i help out in A's classroom, but her teacher said she didn't need me, so i got to come home and do laundry, clean, read and edit my paper.  then i spent the afternoon with A.  i wanted to do something different, so i took her on an adventure to devon.  i've been wanting to do this for a while and even put it on my calendar a few times, but was never able to... but today we went.

i haven't been down there in ages and so as we drove down there we prayed for opportunities, people to meet and a fun adventure.  A was at first not interested, but the first store we went into... she said, "it feels like we are in indonesia..." and i got her hooked.  we went to store after store (at one of the stores, we had a conversation with a lady who has been here for 13 years and works at this clothing store), looking at different things from india and pakistan... we went into a restaurant A picked and had serious indian food (it was delish!!)... we went into grocery stores and walked along devon... at the restaurant we started talking with a woman and met her a few times on the street... that was fun...  it was a very cultural day.

then we went to the southeast asian friendship center... that was A's highlight of the day.  i just thought it would be nice to drop in and see what's going on.  there were a few high school kids hanging out there... a man who works there and women going in to learn english... i got talking to the man and i applied to be a volunteer there... then... a woman walked into the center.  i met this lady like 2 times, but really only know her through stories P had told me.  she has been a part of this center for 15 years and has an amazing testimony.  she introduced herself to me, of course she hadn't recognized me, so i introduced myself... and she gave me the biggest hug.  A introduced herself and we stood there talking.  it was a highlight for A because this lady, S, talked about P.  she told us about his times there and how much she enjoyed him, what a wonderful man he was...

after coming home, eating dinner and taking a bath, A told me how this was the best day ever... she had so much fun at the place that was like indonesia and she got to hear about daddy.

i want to continue to take A places where she could learn about different people groups, have fun being around it, try new foods and have a heart for the people.  i think that's the biggest gift i could give her.  although today she said living with me was her greatest gift.  :)  i love my daughter!!

zombie

zombies are walking around my campus, including me.  i have written 2- 12 page papers, did an interview and written a report on it, researched, and am in the process of finishing up a 5 page paper due on friday.  i have gotten minimum sleep these past few days and feel like i could just crawl into bed now... but i really want to finish this paper so i could spend some time with A tomorrow because this weekend i have my modular class which means i won't see her... plus i have a couple birthday parties to go to saturday night and so she's actually staying with my sister two nights.  after all this work... i need saturday night to hang out and relax with fun people!!  but until a zombie i will be!  :)

please pray for me... i am taking three summer classes back to back... so my life is non-existant until the end of may for sure and some of june.  my parents are coming in to help me with A since i will be gone a lot during that month!!  i am so thankful they could come and help, but it's going to be stretching for all of us!  it's going to be intense work for me.  please pray that i won't get sick and could keep up with all the work.  (maybe i'll have to get into coffee... but i really just don't like it.  :( )

i have some reflections that i would like to blog about... but may have to wait...  ugh...

the perfect evening...

kids in bed (one of A's friend is still here), dishes done... out on the balcony with good music, a bowl of ice-cream, praying, reading and enjoying the warmth of my blanket.  i love spending time with Jesus.  it's like He's sitting in the chair next to me as i pray... for me, my family, my friends, school, desires, future... i await the day when i actually get to sit on His lap and talk to Him face to face.  o what a day that would be...

i prayed tonight for a whole bunch people and as i prayed for each person, their hurts, their struggles, their joys and their worries, i feel the utter dependence we have toward Jesus, but also toward one another.  i wonder where i would be if i couldn't call up people to pray for me... i wonder where i would be if i didn't have sisters and brothers who keep me accountable on my walk with Jesus... i wonder where i would be if i didn't have a community gather and fellowship with... to worship with and be real with.

i thought tonight as i prayed through a list of people i have... how blessed i am to be a part of each of these people's lives... that they would open up with such vulnerability, to share the deepest hurts, longings and joys of their lives...  i thought how blessed i am to have parents who have prayed for me over these years and that i have learned from them that being on our knees is the best position in life.

tonight seems to be a good night.  it's getting cold out here on the balcony now... need to go back in.

adoption

i just finished a whole paper on adoption for my biblical theology and interpretations class.  don't ask what i learned because my brain is fried.  ha ha... but as i was reading through different material and always going back to what scripture says and... well today having three kids in the house, i thought... our job as believers is to care for the orphans and the widows.  i praise God for all the people over the years that have taken that quite seriously and have looked after A and me.  we are truly blessed.  now i wonder what my part is in this.  i have always wanted lots of children... i mean 10 was my goal.  P was like let's take it one at a time... :) but like today i see A with her friends and really see how important it is to have kids in the house.  i also know how important it is for children to have someone to love them and care for them.  i am not at a place right now to take in kids, financially or time wise... but i have been wondering if God would have me be one of those people that takes in kids love them and care for them... maybe even adopting some of them...  as i finish school and get more established as to what my future would look like... i want to pray about what this would look like.  then i think of how there may be no tomorrow... how i should seize the day in what the Lord would have for me.  i love kids...  Lord show me how i could use this for You!!

death and life

last year on good friday, we got on a plane to come to the states.  it was truly a death of one season and the entering into a new season of life.  i remember AB praying last year as we prepared to get in a car for the airport about this death and life...  this year as i sat with RP, she prayed a similar prayer for me... the death of one and the hope of life of the other.  it was so powerful... RP's prayer reminded me of AB's prayer.  it's just amazing how God has made my past two good fridays a pretty meaningful one.

it is almost a year since we have been back in the states and i cannot believe that it's only been a year.  so much has happened.  i plan to write more on my reflections of the year later, but i just wanted to say...  some things in life have to be put to death for life to begin...

john 12:24


Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.


Lord show me the dark crevices in my life that need to be brought to light that it may die and bring forth life for the glory of Your Name and Your Name alone!!!  though it may hurt and be painful, i know that it will be all the more fruitful in the end!!  praise God... You are so good and faithful!!

reminders

yesterday during my biblical theology and interpretations class i was reminded of what my desire was in life, especially after P's death... to never forget God's goodness and faithfulness in my life.  i remember writing blogs about it... so in class we were talking about how the israelites forgot... they kept forgetting and not only that they forgot to tell their children so generations were forgetting about what God had done for His people.  i don't want to forget.  God is so good... He has been and continues to be faithful in my life, providing for our every need.

then it made me think of how important today is for we don't know what tomorrow holds or if there even is a tomorrow.  i've been super busy with school work lately and my poor daughter has been good at entertaining herself.  today i took her out... i still have a couple papers to write and tons of pages to read for classes, but i don't want to miss time with my daughter.... moments i know i will regret having missed.  i've said this before, but i don't strive to get an A.  it would be nice, but it's just not priority to me... so we went and had lots of fun... one of the good things included a chocolate cake shake from our favorite portillos.

let's not forget...

i didn't want to get comfortable here in the states.  i feel like i have been because i have forgotten the urgency i felt over the years... the urgency of the Kingdom... urgency of the people around me... i've been busy with my own life (yes i know that my school work is for the glory of God), but i need to look beyond me.  Lord let me not forget...  let me not forget to see the people around me!!!

my professor was talking about how whenever the israelites forgot, it was like they were pushing a "misery" button for themselves... with forgetting came misery!!  Lord i do not want to forget!!!

okay... after a good day with my girl... i am off to write my paper!!

the dead speak

on good friday, A and i took our frisbee and went to memory park.  it was a beautiful day, a little windy, but sunny and so green.  i don't know what it is about memory park, but i find myself crying every time i drive in that direction.  i still find myself talking to P at times, i also yell at him when i find myself in frustrating situations, blaming him for not being here.  like the other day i was getting our garbage ready to throw away and i was like so mad because that was his job and here i am... doing the dirty job alone.  :)  anyway... we went to memory park and even though i talk to him once in a while, it's a different feeling when i'm at memory park. i feel like we are closer.  i was telling A how we used to go to memory park every week, to me those were dates with daddy.  i felt like we were together for some reason back then.  i have healed so much since then, but still there is a sense of closeness when i'm there.  so as A played with the frisbee and read her book (yes my daughter is now a reader!!), i talked to P.  i told him what A's been up to, what's been going on in my life and just whatever came up in my mind.  cried the whole time... and as i stood there crying and pouring out my heart... i heard him say, "you have to keep singing it".  and i balled....

i know i've told this story before, but... when P and i were trying for our second child, it was such a frustrating thing for me.  a year and a half went by with around 13 of our friends getting pregnant and having babies.  one night, i was so sad having heard another friend who was pregnant, and as i put A down to bed, i started singing "God is so good".  but i couldn't do it.  i didn't feel that the words of the song were true, so i came out of A's room in tears, telling P what was wrong... he told me, "you have to keep singing it.  you know it's true, keep singing it..."  so in tears, sobs, and heartache i sang every last word of that song.

so here i was at memory park on good friday and those words penetrated my heart... "keep singing it".  i stood there and sang the song.  "God is so good.  God is so good.  God is so good, He's so good to me."  it's so true!!  i have had such a tremendously blessed life.  yes there are things that come up and i lose hope or feel like it's never going to get better, but it's not true.  almost four years since the most tragic event of my life happened and look where i am now...  look where A is and how beautifully she is growing!!  God is good...  we have to keep declaring that, in our lives, with our words, and in song!!!  being a testament of God's goodness...  one of my goals in life!

wow we were young...  i was 23, he was 25.

URGENT prayer request

it's nothing that has to do with life and death, but it would be very helpful...

i am currently trying to renew my teaching certificate.  it has been expired for almost 5 years which means it is a lapsed certificate.  currently if i want to get my certificate renewed i need to go and take 9 credit hours relating to education.  now i am not going for my type 73 certification, which is school counseling, but a lot of the classes that i am taking overlap with those courses that i would need if i were to get my type 73.  the problem is it wouldn't be available until this semester is over.  so that's one way to go... hoping they will take the classes even though i am not going for my type 73.

the other light at the end of the tunnel as the lady on the regional office said is that there is currently a "lapsed certificate" bill going through the house to be passed.  she said that the next time they meet it will be april 17 and then hopefully soon it will pass.  this bill will override my need to take any classes and i would just have to pay the fees to get my certificate.

so this is my prayer!!!  please pray that the bill will pass, if not for me, for others in my position.  also if that doesn't pass quick enough, that they will take my classes that i have been taking.  once i pay the fees and show evidence of schooling then i don't have to wait for a certificate, i'm in the system!!  so please pray for this to go through!!

grace and peace

i sometimes wish i wasn't a person who needed grace... right??  i mean don't we all have a little pride and want to have done things right that grace does not need to be extended to us.  i'm not talking about God's grace here... i totally need that, but i think about grace that i need people to extend to me.  today i was reminded of that grace that needs to be extended to me.  i am so broken and sometimes just make stupid mistakes... without grace, i cannot feel peace because i am a person that likes to know that things are right... without the extended grace... it can't be made right.

i think of my teenage years and how self-righteous i was toward so many people, especially my parents.  without their grace in my life, i don't think i would have turned out to be the woman i am now.  i think of my college years and  how much i've messed up in friendships, yet so many of them are still my friends today... so thankful that they extended grace to me.  i think of my years in indo and how i had no clue as to what to say or what the norms were, but the people there were so gracious in spite of all the most cultural awful mistakes i could have made.  i think of the first couple years after P died... i was a wreck and so many... family, friends, church family, strangers...  extended so much grace as i grieved and made some careless decisions and so much more.  so much grace is needed in our lives from fellow life livers.

i have been trying to love better these days, which i know i've mentioned.  i'm realizing that extending grace is an act of love, standing in the other person's shoe for a second and trying to see where they have been and where they are... gives you perspective and insight into the person which gives you the ability to extend grace.

as i receive grace from others and try to extend grace as much as i can toward others, i feel at peace, a kind of satisfaction that i have done what God has called me to do.  the rest Lord is up to You.

just wanted to write that... let us be a people who extends grace to those around us just as our Father has done for us.  

stories

He is risen...

today i was  reminded of the beauty of HIS story in each of our lives.  at church we had a beautiful and powerful picture of why we celebrate His resurrection.  every resurrection sunday, our church has baptisms incorporated into the service.  this year it was different and it was so beautiful.  if you remember a few posts prior to this, i found a frame with the quote, "the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched.  they must be felt with the heart."  that is exactly what happened in this service as the stories of each of my brothers and sisters were told... how God has brought them into His family, who they were before Christ and who they have become after knowing Him and what it means to them to be baptized, to make a commitment/profession in front of everyone... not ashamed.  it began with each story told through a video with two of my favorite gungor songs playing in the background, then we worshipped together, a few people got baptized, we went into worship again... i cried.  it was so powerful as each professed their faith, went into the water as a symbol of death to self and being given new life in Christ. a few more people got baptized and again we went into corporate worship.  it was pure beauty and such a powerful way to celebrate and worship.  it was amazing!!

it reminds me of who i was and where God has brought me.  it reminds me of how broken i was and how God has been molding me into a new creation.  it reminds me of the meaningless world i used to live in and how i am now in a temporary world living for the eternal.  it reminds of the emptiness that was in my heart and the fullness i have with Christ.  the service was a great reminder for me of my story and how my story is just a mini sub section of His story He weaves together through the stories of all His children.

our annual easter picture at the M's house

future

my plans tomorrow are to go to A's school to be the room mom.  then we'll come home and have lunch, take a rest and probably go to the Y.  i guess at some point i'll have to do some work...  i have tons and tons of school work to do.  but the thing is those are just my plans.  who knows what is going to happen...

today i sat through a very long lecture planning my future.  our schedule for summer and fall are online so here i am in this class that felt so dry arranging my future.  i figured out my fall schedule and looked to see what i could do in order to finish this program in the three years that i planned to do school.  it is going to be crazy.  the thing is the "ideal" schedule to finish in three years is 15 credit hours a semester.  i have not been doing that, so i'm taking extra classes in the summer to "catch up" with the "ideal" schedule.

this summer i am taking three classes.  it is going to be intense... like i said before, i will not have a life until july, which is really stinky!!  the thing i thought about this week as i was thinking about all this is... i guess i have two choices... do everything at once as a full time student or take it slow and do it while i work.  the down side of the latter choice is that i have a great scholarships right now that are helping me out and if i don't do full time, then i lose my scholarships.  so that's one of the reasons that i want to do this all right now!!

anyway... as i was planning my future, i just smiled to myself because i am really putting God in a box.  i mean seriously... i could do all this planning and God could do a million things to make it go another way.  i have thought about how God could call us somewhere all of a sudden and we'll move overseas again... or the long awaited man of our dreams will show up and i'll get married... or God could ask me to do something else... or i may need to go back to work for one reason or another... or... or... or...

i think of all the plans that i have had over the years and how most of them didn't turn out exactly the way i planned it.  i thought of all the things i've wanted to do and have to really pray about what God wanted and sometimes didn't know until i stepped into to find out what was going to happen.  i think of the english center P and i were planning on opening in indo... how that dream was put out there a few many times... and it never happened.  i think about making the decision to go back to indo just me and A.  i think about how i really wanted to be married by the time A was 5 so that she wouldn't have such a big gap without a dad... all these plans...

plans... we could make them, but God makes the path... and i am going to trust that the Lord continues to provide for us.  i am taking it one day at a time... one semester at a time.  what the Lord does with that i will follow in obedience... i just ask that He gives me the ears to hear and the strength to follow.  i know the joy in following the Lord and i want to continue that.

happiness

i don't know if it's the dove's chocolate message that said "happiness looks good on you" or the awesome praise that i got to be a part of last night at church or the beautiful sunshine today or my happy songs playlist... but today i felt happy.  smiling all day and enjoying the day.  it's kind of crazy... i have a ton of things to do, but i feel good... happy... peaceful... full of joy!!!  i guess people are praying for me.  i could always sense when people are praying for me... and i think today is one of those days.  we had to do a lot of errands today and trader joe's was one of them.  i usually get flowers when i'm down and need a lift in my mood, but today i got them because i was in a good mood and it was just going to make it better.  so i have beautiful flowers in my house.

thank you God for a wonderful experience of your joy today!!!