These past few days have been filled with joy and hope. Satan does not like that. He wants to crush those who trust in the LORD and are faithful. In this joy and hope, I have been attacked by Satan and his lies left and right. This evening I was in a serious spiritual battle, claiming truth for myself, but Satan trying to take me down with lies... ugly lies... This song is what I heard as I was texting a friend for prayer.
What you're doing (Something Heavenly)
By: Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
God is cleaning up this old house filled with lies and deception... He's doing something big and heavenly that I don't even know. I need to keep bathing myself in truth... truth of who God is, truth of who I am and who I am in Christ. God make right what is wrong in my heart... And just like the chorus says, He's doing something that is bringing chaos into my life, but I feel tremendous peace in it. I love you Jesus and find comfort and rest in the fact that I am loved by you!!!
The verse from yesterday comes to mind again...
"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete." - 2 Cor 10: 3-6
Lord I feel peace falling down on me as I have people praying for me and as I seek your truth. Let me reside here...
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Panera
panera has a rewards card, so i got a free smoothie this morning as i study for my midterm. i have been sitting here for two hours, reviewing chapters on how to be a good counselor... all the skills it takes. :) it's been good and humbling... just thinking of how much i still need to grow in a lot of the areas, encouraged that this is God's calling in my life, and hopeful that He is going to slowly show me what He has already laid out for me.
as i study, i have pandora on and a song caught my attention, which i want to share.
Hellelujah - Bethany Dillon
as i study, i have pandora on and a song caught my attention, which i want to share.
Hellelujah - Bethany Dillon
Who can hold the stars and my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I’ve fallen so hard, sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond Your reach
I could climb a mountain, swim the ocean, or do anything
But it’s when You hold me that I start unfolding
And all that I can say is
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah
The same sun that rises over castles and welcomes the day
Spills over buildings into the streets where orphans play
And only You can see the good in broken things
You took my heart of stone, and You made it home
And set this prisoner free
Who can see everything?
I’ve fallen so hard, sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond Your reach
I could climb a mountain, swim the ocean, or do anything
But it’s when You hold me that I start unfolding
And all that I can say is
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah
The same sun that rises over castles and welcomes the day
Spills over buildings into the streets where orphans play
And only You can see the good in broken things
You took my heart of stone, and You made it home
And set this prisoner free
the chorus is what especially caught my attention. this morning i was struggling with some lies that Satan likes to bring me down with. as i prayed and read the word, i found truth to reject all those lies that he threw at me... but when i heard this song it really did it for me. you see i, like the israelites, tend to forget... i forgot how good and faithful my God has been and is to me. His mercies are new every morning and every morning i wake to the heavens declaring His glories, so majestic... and whatever's in front of me, i want to choose to sing HALLELUJAH, praise Yahweh, because He deserves it. He has done nothing but shown me that He is trustworthy - no matter how big or how small circumstances may seem. He has already set this prisoner free... i need to stop going back there... believing the lies that Satan wants to keep me in bondage with. The Name of my Jesus is so powerful. I cannot forget that!!!
The other day during my quiet time I read 2 Corinthians 3:17...
"Now the LORD is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom."
One of the reasons I went into counseling was to be an agent to freedom and I need to claim that as my own. Stop living in bondage, lies... Reject it and throw it far away from me!!
2 Corinthians 10:3-6
"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh, For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete."
we have power to destroy the strongholds in our life. i hold onto this promise daily as Satan throws things at me to keep me from deep wonderful intimacy with my Father.
**now i need to go back to studying. i have to say... almost a week now of lent... since i am doing a lot of the other entertainment in my life, i find myself on my blog more often writing down my thoughts. it's a good exercise!! enjoying it!! 2 more hours and need to get A.**
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Single parenting
The month before P died, I was a single mom because he was gone at school 3 hours away from home. I remember crying on the phone telling him I was done being a single mom and the promise from the other side that he would take care of her when he got home. That never happened... I am still a single mom, 3 years and 10 months later...
The thing about being a single parent though is the blessings that come with it, if you let it. I am normally not one to ask for help. I like to do things on my own... but I know I can't do it on my own and so I swallow my pride and ask, not just one, but as many people as I can until I get help. Yet there are times, many times actually that the Lord just brings people along to volunteer help.
This week is midterms. I only have 2 tests, not a lot, but a lot of material I feel like I need to cover. For me to study, I cannot have A around. She wants me too much for me to actually get any studying done. So I asked a friend if she wouldn't mind taking her after church today... and I had all afternoon to take one of my exams and start studying for the next one. Not only that, another friend offered to go and pick her up. What a blessing.
On Friday when I went to pick up A from school, one of the moms and I were talking and I mentioned how it was midterms time and she offered to take A for a few hours. So tomorrow after school, A is going to her friend's house to play for a couple hours while I study the morning away.
I try to look at the bright side of things. Single parenting is hard, but it is such a blessing to have a community of people come along side you and help... making sure that you have the support you need. I am very blessed with the people the Lord has brought into my life. How would you ever know or experience this unless you are in this situation?? :)
I just wanted to say thanks to those of you who are always so willing and ready to step up and be aunts, uncles, friends to both A and me. We love you!!!
Now back to studying!!
The thing about being a single parent though is the blessings that come with it, if you let it. I am normally not one to ask for help. I like to do things on my own... but I know I can't do it on my own and so I swallow my pride and ask, not just one, but as many people as I can until I get help. Yet there are times, many times actually that the Lord just brings people along to volunteer help.
This week is midterms. I only have 2 tests, not a lot, but a lot of material I feel like I need to cover. For me to study, I cannot have A around. She wants me too much for me to actually get any studying done. So I asked a friend if she wouldn't mind taking her after church today... and I had all afternoon to take one of my exams and start studying for the next one. Not only that, another friend offered to go and pick her up. What a blessing.
On Friday when I went to pick up A from school, one of the moms and I were talking and I mentioned how it was midterms time and she offered to take A for a few hours. So tomorrow after school, A is going to her friend's house to play for a couple hours while I study the morning away.
I try to look at the bright side of things. Single parenting is hard, but it is such a blessing to have a community of people come along side you and help... making sure that you have the support you need. I am very blessed with the people the Lord has brought into my life. How would you ever know or experience this unless you are in this situation?? :)
I just wanted to say thanks to those of you who are always so willing and ready to step up and be aunts, uncles, friends to both A and me. We love you!!!
Now back to studying!!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
i know i know...
i know i said i would be too busy to blog today, but i needed to put the lyrics of this song on. i always have music on in my house... so as i am studying for midterms... i have pandora on and this song captured my heart as i sat here reading psychopathology stuff. here it is... hope it's a blessing.
BRIGHTER DAY BY GUNGOR
At the start there was love
And life began in Him
Creation falls, Creator gives
The promise of a better day
We are not there yet
Let it come, let it come in
Love is here and love is coming
Heaven is breaking open
Heaven is breaking open
Love came down and hope was found
And life began again
A brand new start
Yeah, a brand new start
The promise of a better day
We are not there yet
Let it come, let it come in
Love is here and love is coming
Heaven is breaking open
Heaven is breaking open
Love came down and hope was found
And now we're waking up to a brighter day
Love came down and hope was found
And now we're waking up to a brighter day
Love came down and hope was found
(Oh, brighter day, brighter day)
And now we're waking up to a brighter day
Love came down and hope was found
(Oh, brighter day, we'll see a brighter day)
And now we're waking up to a brighter day
We are not there yet
So let it come, let it come in
Love is here and love is coming
Heaven is breaking open
Heaven is breaking open
Let it come, let it come in
Love is here and love is coming
'Cause love I swear has not been spoken
Heaven is breaking open
BRIGHTER DAY BY GUNGOR
At the start there was love
And life began in Him
Creation falls, Creator gives
The promise of a better day
We are not there yet
Let it come, let it come in
Love is here and love is coming
Heaven is breaking open
Heaven is breaking open
Love came down and hope was found
And life began again
A brand new start
Yeah, a brand new start
The promise of a better day
We are not there yet
Let it come, let it come in
Love is here and love is coming
Heaven is breaking open
Heaven is breaking open
Love came down and hope was found
And now we're waking up to a brighter day
Love came down and hope was found
And now we're waking up to a brighter day
Love came down and hope was found
(Oh, brighter day, brighter day)
And now we're waking up to a brighter day
Love came down and hope was found
(Oh, brighter day, we'll see a brighter day)
And now we're waking up to a brighter day
We are not there yet
So let it come, let it come in
Love is here and love is coming
Heaven is breaking open
Heaven is breaking open
Let it come, let it come in
Love is here and love is coming
'Cause love I swear has not been spoken
Heaven is breaking open
Friday, February 24, 2012
picture found!!!
P's dad just sent this to me... a picture of my helper's family with us. this is before their son was born.
Blessings in the mail...
Tomorrow will mark what would have been P and my 7th wedding anniversary. I'm blogging about it tonight because tomorrow will be busy. But I just want to share a few thoughts...
1. I am wanting to do fun things on memory jerking days... I mean why wallow in self-pity right? So my school is having a "Winter Waltz". :) When I heard of it in the beginning I was like, serious? But yes they are having a full blown out waltz... I'm not going to go all out fancy, but I thought it would be so much fun right? I told my friend that I would go with her. Today I was thinking of what it was going to cost me to go... though I would have tons of fun... I didn't know if it was worth the money, since I want to live on a good budget. When I checked the mail today, I got a check from a friend... Thought of us and sent us a monetary gift. Perfect timing. I thought... God does loves me... So... tomorrow I am going to a dance. :)
2. This year as I thought about this day approaching, I wanted to focus more on the what is and the what will be rather than the what could have beens. God had every part of my life mapped out from before I was conceived... I trust in the God that ordains the good and the bad that happen in life. I do not want to live in fear, but in the hope that Christ gives us with the life He gave up and took back!!! I'm learning to trust!
3. 7 years is a long time, but yet so short... so much has happened. The Lord gives and He takes away... I just want to bless His name... Lord whatever the next 7 years may bring, let me be able to say "Blessed be Your Name!!"
Praying for continual JOY as the Lord leads our every step. He is good and His mercies are new every morning. I love you Lord! Thank You for the 3 years and almost 4 months we did have together as man and wife.
1. I am wanting to do fun things on memory jerking days... I mean why wallow in self-pity right? So my school is having a "Winter Waltz". :) When I heard of it in the beginning I was like, serious? But yes they are having a full blown out waltz... I'm not going to go all out fancy, but I thought it would be so much fun right? I told my friend that I would go with her. Today I was thinking of what it was going to cost me to go... though I would have tons of fun... I didn't know if it was worth the money, since I want to live on a good budget. When I checked the mail today, I got a check from a friend... Thought of us and sent us a monetary gift. Perfect timing. I thought... God does loves me... So... tomorrow I am going to a dance. :)
2. This year as I thought about this day approaching, I wanted to focus more on the what is and the what will be rather than the what could have beens. God had every part of my life mapped out from before I was conceived... I trust in the God that ordains the good and the bad that happen in life. I do not want to live in fear, but in the hope that Christ gives us with the life He gave up and took back!!! I'm learning to trust!
3. 7 years is a long time, but yet so short... so much has happened. The Lord gives and He takes away... I just want to bless His name... Lord whatever the next 7 years may bring, let me be able to say "Blessed be Your Name!!"
Praying for continual JOY as the Lord leads our every step. He is good and His mercies are new every morning. I love you Lord! Thank You for the 3 years and almost 4 months we did have together as man and wife.
smiles
there are things in life that bring a smile to my face. my daughter, vanilla ice-cream, chicago (especially driving to the city and seeing the skyline), funfetti cake, babies, good company, beautiful images that give a glimpse of heaven... the list could go on, but this morning at 5:37 i opened my eyes and heard trucks shoveling snow... and i smiled. i opened my curtain and there it was... one of my favorite things in the world.... snow. so beautiful... i've been praying for one last snow so that A and i could enjoy some snow time... yay!!! it's here. i'll be smiling all day long.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
30 minutes to myself
Today was a busy day. I skipped our Ash Wednesday service at school because my day was too busy. I just needed 30 minutes to myself, in which I finished journaling about what I had read in the morning... But I walk away from days like today and wish I had more time... more time to talk to the friends I hadn't seen all week, more time to ask for forgiveness in a right way instead of in passing, more time to call my daughter from school, more time to reflect on the thoughts, ideas, stuff that I had learned, thought of or talked about during the day.
Today is a start of a 40 day journey to Palm Sunday, 46 day journey to Easter. It's a time to fast, repent, grow in our spiritual formation... to, as I told A this morning, experience just a tiny bit of what Jesus gave up for us. I explained to A this morning about how I would like our family to remember these days by giving up TV and she cried. I mean full on tears and lay on my bed crying... So, I told her she could just have a TV show a day. I am planning on giving up entertainment at home, expect for music, therefore no TV, facebook, youtube, hulu...
Going back to not having time and wanting more time... I started to get excited as I thought of all the extra time I would have because I wouldn't be surfing the net, I wouldn't be stalking people on facebook, looking up interesting things on youtube and watching shows on hulu. I've been wanting to read a book outside of class work. I've been wanting to blog more. I've been wanting to write more encouraging notes to people. I've been wanting to do so much more than I have been... I feel like this will be a good time to start.
I don't want to get caught up in the busyness of life... Taking time to care for myself, deepening my intimacy with God and making sure I notice the people around me and care for them... Lord help me to do this.
**Early this week as I was listening to music, this song spoke God's truth into my heart...**
More than Amazing - Lincoln Brewster
You're the one who walked on water
And you calmed the raging seas
You command the highest mountains
to fall upon their knees
You're the one who welcomed sinners
And you opened blinded eyes
You restored the brokenhearted
And you brought the dead to life
forgetting all our sins
You remember all your promises
You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
You are amazing
With authority you've spoken
And you've set the captive free
You're the king who came to serve
You're the God who washed our feet
You're the one who took our burdens
And you bled upon the cross
In your kindness and your mercy
You became the way for us
forgetting all our sins
You remember all your promises
You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious
You are amazing
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious You are
Whoa!!!
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious
You are amazing
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious You are*
You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
You are amazing
Today is a start of a 40 day journey to Palm Sunday, 46 day journey to Easter. It's a time to fast, repent, grow in our spiritual formation... to, as I told A this morning, experience just a tiny bit of what Jesus gave up for us. I explained to A this morning about how I would like our family to remember these days by giving up TV and she cried. I mean full on tears and lay on my bed crying... So, I told her she could just have a TV show a day. I am planning on giving up entertainment at home, expect for music, therefore no TV, facebook, youtube, hulu...
Going back to not having time and wanting more time... I started to get excited as I thought of all the extra time I would have because I wouldn't be surfing the net, I wouldn't be stalking people on facebook, looking up interesting things on youtube and watching shows on hulu. I've been wanting to read a book outside of class work. I've been wanting to blog more. I've been wanting to write more encouraging notes to people. I've been wanting to do so much more than I have been... I feel like this will be a good time to start.
I don't want to get caught up in the busyness of life... Taking time to care for myself, deepening my intimacy with God and making sure I notice the people around me and care for them... Lord help me to do this.
**Early this week as I was listening to music, this song spoke God's truth into my heart...**
More than Amazing - Lincoln Brewster
You're the one who walked on water
And you calmed the raging seas
You command the highest mountains
to fall upon their knees
You're the one who welcomed sinners
And you opened blinded eyes
You restored the brokenhearted
And you brought the dead to life
forgetting all our sins
You remember all your promises
You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
You are amazing
With authority you've spoken
And you've set the captive free
You're the king who came to serve
You're the God who washed our feet
You're the one who took our burdens
And you bled upon the cross
In your kindness and your mercy
You became the way for us
forgetting all our sins
You remember all your promises
You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious
You are amazing
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious You are
Whoa!!!
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious
You are amazing
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious You are*
You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
You are amazing
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
heavy
i was in the middle of my quiet time this morning when i got a text from a friend all the way across the world to inform me of a death. my helper's husband passed away 11:45ish pm chicago time on february 20. i went numb as soon as i heard, didn't really know how to react... i was too far away. i called A over and we prayed for them... that's when it hit... i started crying.
my helper is no ordinary helper... she was family to us, but not only her, but also her husband. they have cared for us since A was 6 months, but when A and i went on our own a few years ago, they were so committed to doing whatever they can for us. she was by my side when i had leave A for the first time for language school, she taught my daughter the local dialect, she helped me pack up my house when P died, she's walked us through break-ins, through police stations, through people walking into our house and verbally attacking us, ... the list could go on. i feel helpless not being able to be next to her when she was continually next to me.
as i prayed throughout the morning, my heart just became so heavy. he's eternally in hell... a sense of guilt for not trying hard enough to tell him about christ overcame me... then i remembered my first days, weeks and months without P and how terribly hard it was... and i empathized with her and prayed for these dark days to come. my heart then became heavier... you see for the next 100 days, they'll be praying for his soul to enter heaven... people will start telling her to get married again... her kids... ugh... i praised God that my name is in the Lamb's book of life... and so when this tragedy happened to me, i knew deep down inside there was hope... she does not yet know this... i don't know how she's going to get through this without christ and my heart aches for her...
i got an e-mail today from a friend across the world. she said something so encouraging. she told me how our helper now will remember my strength and faith as she walks through this... i humbly pray that if my little example could be of any guidance to her salvation... please Lord let it be.
please pray for this family (she's young, 36, with two kids 13 and 3)... and for me... i feel so far away from home...
**a little frustrated i can't find a picture of their family... must be in one of the computers that was stolen.**
my helper is no ordinary helper... she was family to us, but not only her, but also her husband. they have cared for us since A was 6 months, but when A and i went on our own a few years ago, they were so committed to doing whatever they can for us. she was by my side when i had leave A for the first time for language school, she taught my daughter the local dialect, she helped me pack up my house when P died, she's walked us through break-ins, through police stations, through people walking into our house and verbally attacking us, ... the list could go on. i feel helpless not being able to be next to her when she was continually next to me.
as i prayed throughout the morning, my heart just became so heavy. he's eternally in hell... a sense of guilt for not trying hard enough to tell him about christ overcame me... then i remembered my first days, weeks and months without P and how terribly hard it was... and i empathized with her and prayed for these dark days to come. my heart then became heavier... you see for the next 100 days, they'll be praying for his soul to enter heaven... people will start telling her to get married again... her kids... ugh... i praised God that my name is in the Lamb's book of life... and so when this tragedy happened to me, i knew deep down inside there was hope... she does not yet know this... i don't know how she's going to get through this without christ and my heart aches for her...
i got an e-mail today from a friend across the world. she said something so encouraging. she told me how our helper now will remember my strength and faith as she walks through this... i humbly pray that if my little example could be of any guidance to her salvation... please Lord let it be.
please pray for this family (she's young, 36, with two kids 13 and 3)... and for me... i feel so far away from home...
**a little frustrated i can't find a picture of their family... must be in one of the computers that was stolen.**
Thursday, February 16, 2012
a gift from a friend
One of my favorite people in the world sent me this song a couple days ago... She said how it reminded her of me and was praying for me. It's a beautiful song... Wanted to share it.
Steven Curtis Chapman - Spring is coming
We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the groundThe sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brownNow the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stoneAnd silently seed rise beneath ice and snow
And my heart's heavy nowBut I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells meSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingIt won't be long now, it's just about here
Hear the birds start to singFeel the life in the breezeWatch the ice melt awayThe kids are coming out to play
Feel the sun on your skinGrowing strong and warm againWatch the ground: there's something movingSomething is breaking throughNew life is breaking through
Spring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd it won't be long now, it's just about here
Spring is coming, Spring is coming(Out of these ashes, beauty will rise)And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear(Sorrow will be turned to joy)Spring is coming, Spring is coming(All we hoped for soon will appear)It won't be long now, it's just about here(Out of the dark clouds, beauty will shine)(All above in heaven, rejoice)(Spring is coming soon)(Spring is coming soon)
Steven Curtis Chapman - Spring is coming
We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the groundThe sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brownNow the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stoneAnd silently seed rise beneath ice and snow
And my heart's heavy nowBut I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells meSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingIt won't be long now, it's just about here
Hear the birds start to singFeel the life in the breezeWatch the ice melt awayThe kids are coming out to play
Feel the sun on your skinGrowing strong and warm againWatch the ground: there's something movingSomething is breaking throughNew life is breaking through
Spring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd it won't be long now, it's just about here
Spring is coming, Spring is coming(Out of these ashes, beauty will rise)And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear(Sorrow will be turned to joy)Spring is coming, Spring is coming(All we hoped for soon will appear)It won't be long now, it's just about here(Out of the dark clouds, beauty will shine)(All above in heaven, rejoice)(Spring is coming soon)(Spring is coming soon)
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Unexpected darkness
Grieving is a life long process. I knew this, but when it hits and brings you down when you least expect it, boy does it throw you off your balance. Last week was an unexpected darkness. Nothing cued up to what hit. Monday, the 30th of January, I sat at a Starbucks to journal and study while A was at school. As I journaled, I had a feeling that the date had some meaning, but I couldn't remember while I was sitting there. So whatever... I went on to my other tasks.... then it hit me. 8 years ago on January 30th, P and I went on our first date... And for some reason, remembering that I went down a downward spiral. First of all 8 years seems like such a long time... that very week A was turning 6 and that seemed like another event that was related to this, but not at the same time.
Most days I am very joyful person and content with where I am. Last week I had a hard time... You see when you marry at 24, you don't expect at 27 you will become a widow... then after you come to terms with being a widow... you expect life to be a certain way by a certain time... so in the midst of mourning a loss again, remembering our first date, celebrating the 6th birthday of my beautiful daughter... the realities of life also hit and it was a week of processing that, grieving that and finding a way out of the unexpected darkness that hit my week.
On Friday, I was still pretty low... I felt like there was this heavy sadness on my heart and I just needed to let it out. After dropping A off at school, I had the intention of going to study, but instead I found myself on the highway headed for Elmhurst... memory park. I praise God for having memory park so close. I went and talked to P for a while... I talked to him about the things in my heart... told him how A was turning 6 and remembered the day "together" with P... I cried... it was cold... On the way back, I sobbed, but a good sob... so grateful for how far God has brought us. As I drove out of memory park, I remembered how on the day we went to bury P, A asked where we were going and God gave me the wisdom to tell her about memory park. She has grown so much from that day... So thankful for how faithful God has been for both A and I...
I am so thankful of how short the darkness has become in my life. I remember times when I thought the darkness would not end... Now it is but a moment and even in those moments I know the light will come just around the corner.
We celebrated A's birthday and it was just so great. God had so many people praying and caring for us that day. I am so thankful!! She is a true blessing to me and I'm so proud of the little lady she is turning out to be.
Most days I am very joyful person and content with where I am. Last week I had a hard time... You see when you marry at 24, you don't expect at 27 you will become a widow... then after you come to terms with being a widow... you expect life to be a certain way by a certain time... so in the midst of mourning a loss again, remembering our first date, celebrating the 6th birthday of my beautiful daughter... the realities of life also hit and it was a week of processing that, grieving that and finding a way out of the unexpected darkness that hit my week.
On Friday, I was still pretty low... I felt like there was this heavy sadness on my heart and I just needed to let it out. After dropping A off at school, I had the intention of going to study, but instead I found myself on the highway headed for Elmhurst... memory park. I praise God for having memory park so close. I went and talked to P for a while... I talked to him about the things in my heart... told him how A was turning 6 and remembered the day "together" with P... I cried... it was cold... On the way back, I sobbed, but a good sob... so grateful for how far God has brought us. As I drove out of memory park, I remembered how on the day we went to bury P, A asked where we were going and God gave me the wisdom to tell her about memory park. She has grown so much from that day... So thankful for how faithful God has been for both A and I...
I am so thankful of how short the darkness has become in my life. I remember times when I thought the darkness would not end... Now it is but a moment and even in those moments I know the light will come just around the corner.
We celebrated A's birthday and it was just so great. God had so many people praying and caring for us that day. I am so thankful!! She is a true blessing to me and I'm so proud of the little lady she is turning out to be.
picture from her birthday!!
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