Unexpected darkness

Grieving is a life long process.  I knew this, but when it hits and brings you down when you least expect it, boy does it throw you off your balance.  Last week was an unexpected darkness.  Nothing cued up to what hit.  Monday, the 30th of January, I sat at a Starbucks to journal and study while A was at school.  As I journaled, I had a feeling that the date had some meaning, but I couldn't remember while I was sitting there.  So whatever...  I went on to my other tasks.... then it hit me.  8 years ago on January 30th, P and I went on our first date... And for some reason, remembering that I went down a downward spiral.  First of all 8 years seems like such a long time... that very week A was turning 6 and that seemed like another event that was related to this, but not at the same time.

Most days I am very joyful person and content with where I am.  Last week I had a hard time... You see when you marry at 24, you don't expect at 27 you will become a widow... then after you come to terms with being a widow... you expect life to be a certain way by a certain time... so in the midst of mourning a loss again, remembering our first date, celebrating the 6th birthday of my beautiful daughter... the realities of life also hit and it was a week of processing that, grieving that and finding a way out of the unexpected darkness that hit my week.

On Friday, I was still pretty low... I felt like there was this heavy sadness on my heart and I just needed to let it out.  After dropping A off at school, I had the intention of going to study, but instead I found myself on the highway headed for Elmhurst... memory park.  I praise God for having memory park so close.  I went and talked to P for a while... I talked to him about the things in my heart... told him how A was turning 6 and remembered the day "together" with P...  I cried... it was cold...  On the way back, I sobbed, but a good sob... so grateful for how far God has brought us.  As I drove out of memory park, I remembered how on the day we went to bury P, A asked where we were going and God gave me the wisdom to tell her about memory park.  She has grown so much from that day...  So thankful for how faithful God has been for both A and I...

I am so thankful of how short the darkness has become in my life.  I remember times when I thought the darkness would not end...  Now it is but a moment and even in those moments I know the light will come just around the corner.

We celebrated A's birthday and it was just so great.  God had so many people praying and caring for us that day.  I am so thankful!!  She is a true blessing to me and I'm so proud of the little lady she is turning out to be.

picture from her birthday!!