going outward...

rise up.
be bold.
be about ME.
wake up and look around.
act!!

these are words that i hear God speaking to my heart.  my heart is bursting with passion, but don't know where to start.  i am going to start with ending my blog.  this will be my last entry.  i will close out the blog soon (when i learn how).

God has been revealing so much to me... a whole summer of illuminations as my professor calls them.  and i need to now act.  and sitting at home writing blogs just doesn't seem to me NOW (whereas before it was a place to express my raw feelings) as more than a way for me to connect with whoever is still reading this.  i did at one point wonder if my blog could help those in need and maybe it has, but honestly... i feel like it's just about me and what i'm going through... a way to get sympathy... some attention even maybe.  i desire real relationships!!  phone calls, e-mails, letters... i want to connect with people on a deeper level... have a covenant relationship with grace, empowerment and intimacy.  speak into each others lives and be humble enough to be sharpened and then to sharpen others.  i don't want to keep blogging about it, hoping that someone will understand my heart and do it with me... i want to act upon it and have it.  i honestly don't even want to have artificial friendships on facebook.  i look at 400+ friends on facebook and think those aren't real friendships because when i look at that, there are really only a handful of people that i would consider having the covenant, grace-filled, empowering, intimate relationships that i desire.

i guess you could read into my frustration a little bit.  this is the thing... i want realness... genuineness... in depth rawness and the ability to stand naked and unashamed in front of people... especially my brothers and sisters and Christ.  i feel that the church should be that and instead there is more slander, gossip, put-downs, distance within... it saddens me.

this closing of my blog is not all of a sudden.  i don't want to come across impulsive.  i have been writing less and less... i've been praying about ending facebook as well.  it's my desire to connect...

four more days

listening to the sounds of the singing cicadas on my squirrel free balcony (we had a squirrel living in our tomato plant, now gone) as i think of how i have four more days before school starts for both A and me.  i am very sad that i will not be able to take A to her first day of school because i have classes that day, but am thankful for God's provision in having my sister's school go through construction so she doesn't have to start school until after labor day, making it a little easier for me to be okay since she will be taking her to school and picking her up.

as a single mom, i think you give yourself a little bit more pressure to do everything right and be there for everything.  when you can't you feel like a failure... you want to make up for the loss that your child has so you try extra harder to make it even better.  i know in my mind that if P was here it would be different and i probably wouldn't have felt all these little things are so meaningful... but it is what it is and as much as i tell myself it is okay... i still feel the pressure and feel like i'm letting A down and that she will feel the missing piece.

the thing is, no matter how hard i work at it, she'll always feel the missing piece and that's what's going to make up her story... but as a mom... as a parent, you can't let it go so easy.  so i give my sister the day to fill my missing piece with camera along so i don't have to miss it...

so four more days... i haven't finished one book that i wanted to before i start class and the pressure is on.  i have 14 credit hours of classes, but i have more classes that has to do with theology this semester than previous, so a little nervous about that.  those professors are much harder.  :)

i just wanted to say a little something on this balcony as i sat here before i start my reading.

let the semester begin!!

in kansas on the boat... please pray for us as you look at the picture.

Not What I expected

What day is it?  What time is it?  What do we have to do next?  This is not what I wanted from this summer.  I wanted my last relaxing summer with A.  I guess I should have guessed that wasn’t going to be the case when I signed up for an internship.  Yet my hopes of a fun filled summer was high since I was only doing the internship three days a week.  Unfortunately, it became a summer of busyness.

Days at the pool were scarce.  Meeting people was rare.  Riding our bikes hardly existed.  All things I was hoping to do a lot this summer ended up being something that really didn’t happen.  I really wanted to spend time with families from A’s class and build relationships.  I wanted to do fun things with my friends and I think I got one movie in with JM and a paddle board date with RP.  

In all of the things I did not expect, something else unexpected happen.  God started planting seeds of what my future may/could look like.  It’s so crazy… It came in the most unexpected, last thing I thought could ever happen type of way.  I’m still praying about it so I won’t go into detail, but I just know that what I have been running from may be the one thing that brings joy into my life in serving the Lord.

Another unexpected thing God has been doing in my life is growing contentment in me.  I have been for years wanting to get out of being single.  I didn’t want to raise A alone, I didn’t want to be a widow, I wanted to share my life with someone else…  but this summer God has given me the gift of contentment.  I really am content and satisfied at the life God has given me.  I have been doing this a little over four years and God has walked me through all of this.  Life has been good and God has been faithful.  So this summer I have realized my contentment and how even though my desire still exists, my dire need to have someone has gone down.  

The good thing is that if the Lord is truly leading me in what I think He is, I’m so glad He has also worked on my heart to be content.  A is doing real good as well… of course she still misses her daddy and asks for a new one, I have been reminding her how God has been with us these years and when it’s time, He will provide, but for now… He wants us to be the P girls…  

I currently am sitting on the deck of the P cabin in the middle of Kansas.  It is absolutely beautiful.  I see and unending stretch of land, patches of green and brown/yellow.  I see hawks flying in the sky looking for food.  The wind is blowing making the trees and dry grass dance to its beat.  I wanted to go to this hill that P used to go to with his high school friends and pray, but I decided to spend a couple hours with grandma instead.  And now I find myself in the middle of nowhere listening to the wind blow and nature whisper sweet nothings to each other.  

This summer was nothing like what I expected, but God is everything I wanted.  Through these unexpected times in my life, God has been good and faithful.  He continues to lead each step of the way and I continue to wait in anticipation at what He will do.

Please continue to pray for us…

1. As we start school on August 22.  A is starting first grade (unbelievable) and I will hopefully be finishing my last semester.
2. As I continue to seek God’s will for us.
3. As we grow in Christ… I pray for purity, holiness and a passion for Him, that we may be called righteous before our King.
4. As the busyness of the school year starts that I could make sure to do things for myself and give A space to grow as well.

from my walk around the cabin

sunset at the cabin