Thinking of you...

Tonight as I get ready to go to bed, I put up pictures of my friends that I miss dearly. I miss talking to you girls and want to sit down somewhere and talk. I love you and miss you so!! I don't have pictures of everyone, but all of you who are on the other side of the world, even though I am truly enjoying spending my holidays here with friends and family... I miss my family there!!!

32

as i snuggle into bed in my footie pjs, i can't help but think how tomorrow would have been P's 32nd birthday. tonight as JM and i talked, i was reminded of P's first birthday we celebrated together. it was his 26th. i got him two remote control cars. i'm a pretty competitive person, so i thought it would be fun for us to have so we could race each other after we got married (which was going to be two months later). that night was really funny because i challenged him to a race as soon as he opened it, but as we lined up the cars, we realized there were no batteries. so sad...

it's crazy how time just keeps going and somehow subconsciously my brain must have known the day was coming up even though i wasn't consciously thinking about it. so today... i was a little down and just felt like wandering around. i had to go and pick up my wallet that i had left at Target by accident then A and i just went around... we went shopping, went out to eat, went to the library, went to drop something off a friend's house, went grocery shopping... somewhere in all that, i did realize that my feelings were due to P's birthday and just feeling sad about it... called AH to talk.

i told A that we were going to make a cake for daddy's birthday and the first thing she said was, "so we could eat it." ha ha... yes and remember daddy. but yeah... i'm not sure if we'll make it out to memory park, but we'll definitely have cake... maybe we'll go out to eat lunch or dinner or both... i've got lots of stuff to do, but who knows if i'll just not care about all that and just want to bum...

P, not sure if you get to celebrate birthdays in heaven, but if you do, hope you have a good one. it'll be your third one up there, so not sure if you're 3 or 32... :) i love you and miss you tons. we're doing real good and know that you would be super proud of your girls... A and i both are so excited to see you. A is lately into saying how much more she loves you than me, so i bet that puts a smile on your face. have fun...

hate

i was reading from John 15 this morning. the first 17 verses are actually like my life verses now... just learning how to abide in Christ. in the latter verse of 5 it says, "apart from me you can do nothing." then He gives us a promise in verses 7 and 8. i really enjoy reading from God's word and learning what it means to be in Christ.

the remaining verses in that chapter and the first 4 of the next talk about what it is going to be like when we take this abiding thing seriously... we are going to be hated. sounds nice doesn't it. Jesus says because the world hated me, when you start acting like me, they are going to hate you too. doesn't sound so appealing huh?

i think of how much people hate followers of Christ... pro-abortionists, people who are against Christmas because it's religious, people who support homosexuals... it's kind of crazy... you learn all your life to stand up for what you believe in... and then you do... and people hate you. but all along Jesus knew this was going to happen and He warns us... if you read John 16:3 it says that they will do such things because they do not know Him. Hmmm... then what is our job... to tell them of Christ right?

i wish i could say that will solve the problem. the fact is the more we tell them of Christ, the more they are likely to hate us. interesting huh?

are we being hated? not that we should go around starting things to be hated, but i wonder... if we aren't being hated, are we doing our job? are we telling the message correctly?

Health

go green has been going on for a while. it actually is getting around the world... this time coming back here it's not just go green, but organic and hormones and shakes and all these health stuff. i think it's great actually... God gave us this earth, yes we should take care of it... God gave us this body, yes we should take care of it... but as i look at different people fussing over all this... i wonder... what if we started caring about our spiritual health just as much as we are caring about our physical health. people read book after book about what foods to eat, what exercise is good... but i wonder how much time are we spending in the word. people sit down and talk over and over about the benefits of this food and that food... yes this is important, but what about talking about our spiritual health?

i wish i cared about my spiritual health when i was younger. yes the Lord did end up taking a hold of my life in the end and i am so in love with Him, but i know it could have been done earlier the way He was calling out for me.

our physical health comes with our spiritual health. i was just praying today about how i want to be a healthy person, physically. i love God and the more and more i realize that i am a temple of God... i want to take care of this temple... and i think that's where our physical health really comes... when we realize what it is and love it the way the Lord does.

just a thought for today...

Sometimes

Sometimes God takes you down a path you do not like. Sometimes God takes you down a road full of pain and hurts. Sometimes God takes you to a place that's full of sorrow and grief. Sometimes God takes you to a pool of tears and you add yours. But God is always the ones that goes with you. These weeks back in the states, the Lord has taken me through paths that I did not want to go, paths that I had to deal with pain and hurts. I just keep holding on to the truth that He is with me each and every step of the way.

I remember when P and I had our first confrontation as a married couple. We each had different ways that we were used to dealing with things and some were unhealthy. He of course more mature and wise than I decided very early on that we were not going to continue those bad habits. I remember specifically after this fight, him laying the law down as the man of the house. I hated this confrontation mainly because I was not used to it.... to seriously have to deal with problems and it was painful to hear from someone you really love of the wrong you were doing. But firmly my wonderful husband lead us into new paths of a healthy relationship. It was painful and took time to establish, but we did. (So glad he did because I now desire so much to have a healthy relationship with everyone.)

That is just an example of how God had to take me down a path of something I did not like in order for P and I to have a healthy relationship...

Today I had a girls night and I had a lot of fun. As JM drove me home, we had some deep conversations. I realize how God's grace helped me in my grief. I dove right into the darkest pit to see light as soon as possible. I really feel the Lord took me down some really good healthy roads for me to see the light at the end of a dark dark tunnel... But tonight I wonder if I need to dive into life. Grieving takes some part of life and reality out, you constantly go back and forth from knowing that what happened is real to really wishing still that it wasn't or sometimes wondering if it could have been a dream. I wonder, if I have grieved healthy (which I sense I really have), is it now time to see if I'm living life healthy. I don't know if that makes sense... and I'm not sure if it really makes sense to me fully, but I do understand what I'm trying to say. The sense of "now what" after grieving has set in. (Again I am under no notion that I am done grieving. I know that this will always be a part of my life.)

So sometimes God takes us down these paths unbeknown to us how wonderful it is... I am ready to see some serious wonderful at the end of this dark dark tunnel I just walked through for so long. (That may sound like there have been no wonderfuls... there have been tons, but I hope you get what I mean.)

Happy Thanksgiving

I woke up this morning to my bro talking from the basement. Being with the P's is definitely a different experience. Family, but has it's own uniqueness... loud talking and so many extroverts. I'm an extrovert, but I get out-extroverted by 90% of the family. Crazy. It's been a good time here and the two weeks are about to end.

Today we had our Thanksgiving. You know everyone is thinking about P with A and me sitting there, but seems like acceptance has come around the table.

Foods galore at the table. Before I sat at the table, I was in my room finishing up my quiet time with the Lord and I was just overwhelmed by the thought of all the food at the table and all those that do not have... How do we balance blessing and not feeling guilty, but still give as the Lord says that we should give?

Last night I was at a gathering where I shared a little bit, but afterward a mom came to pick up her daughter and told us her plans for Thanksgiving... she was going to go to the shelter and help feed the poor. My desire is to make that tradition for A and I, maybe next year, we could give to those in need and have good food for us later.

The Lord gives and takes away... Everything we have is a gift from God. I would like to encourage us as a people of God to care more about others, that's how our heart beats with His. He is all about the poor, the orphans and the widows... Let's care for them.

Things that make you smile

The Lord is good, gracious in all that He does. His grace is sufficient for me and I find that as I am in this workshop for the week, He is full of grace.

Leading up to this week, I sensed the Lord was going to make this week great. I sat in the intro the first night and just was in awe of what the Lord was saying... He is going to do wonders.

I am excited and covet your prayers that the Lord will continue to work in my heart during this week and the hearts of those here.

As I walk around campus, I can't help but think of the time P and I were here together and I just wanted to share something. Maybe I shared this before, but I just smiled as I thought about this.

We were married a little over a year and had a two month old the first time we came here together. Now there are a lot of frogs and lizards here since it is on the southern part of the states. Anyway, I remember one night we were walking back to our room and I saw something moving near our door and I think I jumped like a foot in the air and yelled. Of course others laughed and P just shooed it away (it was a frog) then went on our way to the room. Once we got to the room, P said, "I'm really worried about you. There are going to be so many things crawling around when we move to Indonesia, are you going to be okay?" I mean genuine concern that I wasn't going to make it.

I look back now and just laugh... Nothing really gets me now... I've lived with lizards on my wall for years... cockroaches, ants, spiders, rats that are as big as my hand and forearm... and 16 months out of those years were without P. Wouldn't he be surprised at what I am doing now. I mean seriously...

So the things that make you smile...

work

It's interesting the ways the Lord works in your heart. It's hard at first and you think, "woah, I'm not ready for this?" But as you see Him working in your heart and speaks to you in different ways, you know that in the end, the Lord will have the best for you.

I'm getting worked on... At first it was hard... Now I'm excited to see where He is going to lead me. Please pray for me as I continue to work on hearing HIM.

Please pray for us...

* we leave Thursday for Florida a week and then to Kansas. Pray for a safe trip and good travels.
* we will be visiting friends and family. Pray for our time.
* as we embark on more adventures and journeys, especially for A's heart as it may be hard for her as we travel.

thank you all for praying for us!!

For the Nation

The country of Indonesia is experiencing some serious situations... situations only God is in control of. I was in the country for 10 of these events. I have experienced two of the earthquakes. It's not nice, honestly, to experience the things that I was in.

Please join me in praying for this nation. The Lord I know has something planned when He is literally shaking the nation.


2010

-- October 25: A powerful earthquake hits a remote island chain off western Sumatra, triggering a tsunami that officials say has killed at least 272 people, with over 400 missing.

A day later Mount Merapi erupts in central Java, forcing tens of thousands of people to flee the country's most active volcano. At least 29 people are killed.

-- October 4: Flash floods that strike a district in eastern Indonesia's West Papua province kill at least 148

-- February 23: At least 85 are left dead or missing after a landslide near to Bandung to the south of Jakarta

2009

-- November 8: A landslide in Palopo district, South Sulawesi province kills at least 30 people

-- September 30: Earthquake hits near Padang city in Sumatra, killing at least 1,100 people

-- September 2: Quake rocks Java, killing at least 100

2007

-- December 26: Over 130 die in Java floods, landslides

-- July: Over 130 die in Sulawesi floods, landslides

-- March 6: Sumatra quake kills 73

-- February 1: Jakarta floods leave at least 80 dead

2006

-- December 24-29: More than 300 dead and missing after Sumatra floods. 350,000 left homeless

-- July 17: 650 die after an undersea quake strikes off Java, unleashing a tsunami

-- June 20-24: Sulawesi floods leave 350 dead and missing, 13,000 homeless

-- May 27: A quake in Indonesia's Yogyakarta region kills 5,800 and leaves 1.5 million homeless

-- March 28: An 8.6-magnitude quake on Nias island kills at least 900

2005

-- February 21: A refuse landslide buries a shantytown southeast of Jakarta, killing more than 140

2004

-- December 26: An undersea earthquake off the coast of Sumatra island triggers a tsunami that kills 220,000 in countries around the Indian Ocean, including 168,000 in Indonesia

**Please pray that Jesus will be known throughout the land in all these events!!!**

Praise God

So I'm going to Florida for a conference/workshop next week and I have been praying for someone to come with me to be with A. The day to leaving kept coming closer and the ticket prices were getting more and more expensive... Almost gave up on going to the conference/workshop because I didn't have childcare.

The Lord is good and compassionate!!! He loves me. TR, the most amazing woman, e-mailed and asked if she and her daughter could come... I was thrilled. Those of you who know TR, this is no easy decision... with her hip issues, sitting on the plane has got to be the worst thing, but she loves us so much!!! I love that TR and OR are coming with. OR and A get along so well... it's such a blessing to have them come... It's not just TR that's awesome, but her wonderful husband who is giving her permission to leave the other 4 kids with him to take care of us!!! Unbelievable how this family has taken care of us, since day one... when I walked down the aisle... TR was there getting everything ready and timed the door to open for me to walk down the aisle... and now their family I feel is taking scripture seriously when it says to care for the widows and orphans.

Thank you so much R family for loving us and taking care of us in so many different ways. I love you and A loves you all so much!!! Thanks for making us family!!

highway

interesting how culture shock is not just going to another country, but also coming back to the known.... you just get thrown off a little bit. just wanted to share a little...

1. the first thing that shocked me was getting on the highway after the airport. there was a billboard advertisement for a perfume, but it was a naked man with the bottle in an inappropriate place. just totally blew my mind how we just think that is normal. i think i would have thought it was normal if i were not in another country where modesty is high priority for over a year.

2. when we drive, A keeps asking if we are on the highway. she thinks even the streets are highways. i have to keep explaining to her that the roads here are just bigger than home.

3. shopping is so overwhelming. i cannot believe all the different options for cereal, milk, everything... just a whole row of the same thing just different brands.

4. parks. we went to the park today... A was surprised at the park. i too realized how much i missed parks where you could take kids for the afternoon... clean nice parks...

5. closed toe shoes... i haven't worn shoes in over a year. it's kind of crazy how your feet have to adjust to that also.

6. all the channels on tv.

7. fall. i don't think i ever thought fall as "freezing", but we are freezing. we went to the park today and we were the only ones with jackets, gloves and hats. i mean seriously, there were kids in shorts and t-shirts... it was 47 degrees.

**more to come, i'm sure**

if only the world knew...

i don't know how many of you are on facebook. i have over 300 people that are "friends" on my facebook. some i am so close to, others i haven't talked to since high school, but is a tool to keep up to date with those you used to hang out with.

today as i was checking my facebook, my heart became heavy and sad... so many need Jesus, even in my list of 300+.

i wish people knew just how much God loves them and how they just need to stop rejecting Him in their life. i wish there were more and more people spreading the gospel so that people could hear... i wish i was more diligent in telling people about the love of God... the perfect gift He gave us through Jesus' life.

if only the world knew.

On US soil

(just so you know that the little baby behind me was pulling my hair, hence the face)

Praise God for safe travels. We didn't get as much sleep as I have wanted to. A was a little restless on the plane. Got a few hours here and there, but in my mind it was going to go much smoother. Praise God for such a gracious man on the plane who had the honor of sitting on the other side of A. He was getting some personal things done and on his way home to his two kids. So when A was getting fidgety as she was sleeping, he took her legs and put in on his lap. She was kicking him like crazy and he was just so nice about the whole thing, saying that his kids do the same thing. Awesome how God puts a recently remarried single dad next to us, so he really understands.

It was great to be greeted by a whole group of people who love us with hugs, balloons, signs and smiling faces. It was great!!!

America is such a different place for us now, but yet still so familiar. I think we're going to have a great old time.

Please pray for my laptop. The Lord has been protecting me through jetlag really to not be bothered by it much, but when we got to the house we are staying at and I unpacked as everyone was entertaining A, I realized my laptop was missing. I had checked it in thinking that I did not want to be hassled in line through security every time. When I went to get it, it was gone. Sad. I have reported it, but the lady on the phone said that they have a policy where they are not responsible for lost electronics in checked-in bags. I can't remember who said this, but it's so true, if people know that they are not going to be responsible, then of course things are going to go missing. I'm really praying that it will show up, if not... we'll see...

As for now, JM (Red), has let me borrow her old laptop. It's great to have so many people love you and want to be with you.

Thank you for all your love and support!!! We're going to have a great time while we are here. Please pray that each day will be filled with what the Lord will have for us.

Please intercede

Tomorrow at 1PM our time, we will head out of our house to the airport and get on a really big plane to go to Chicago. Now some people say we are going home... and not that it's not our home, but really home is where you live right?? So it's kind of funny it's not going home, but we are in a way. Sometimes I long to just "go home"... where Christ is and where P is. But til then... we'll enjoy all our temporary homes here.

So as we head out, I want to pack up my computer tonight in my check-in, I would like to ask for a few prayer requests:

1. Please pray for good good-byes... we're coming back, but not everyone will still be here, so I just pray that we'll have good sweet good-byes.

2. Please pray for good sleep tonight. Not sure if A is really excited, but she just keeps getting up really early (5:30 AM). Pray that she could get good sleep... if she's up, then I'm up.

3. Please pray for safe travels... rent-a-car with driver to the airport, the planes, our transits... everything.

4.Please pray for health. A has had a bit of a cold lately and I'm getting over a cough. We've been pumping in the Vitamin C (just what we are supposed to get in a day), so please just pray that when we wake up in the morning we'll be really good.

5. Please pray for me as I travel for hours upon hours alone with A. Pray for patience and good rest for me that I could sleep when she sleeps.

6. Please pray for emotions... I'm a basket case... I'm coming back, but good-byes are just hard. And A is feeling it too.... she'll really sad about missing her cat. So just pray that God will be with us through this also.

When P died, it was 2 months before we were to go back to the states together. This is my first time leaving the "right" way from here... it's been hard honestly packing "to be home for the holidays" when that was our last desire together... and it never happened.

Thanks for all your love... We'll see most of you soon hopefully!!!

Proud...

My dear A.

Tomorrow we will wake up to one more sleep until we go back to Chicago. We are both so very excited. But before we go on our next adventure, mommy just wanted to take a moment to tell you how very proud I am of you... how you are such a joy in my life...

When daddy and I started to think about having kids, we thought that we would wait... wait a while before having kids. But God had other plans. We were so very excited to have you enter into our lives. You were truly a blessing from the Lord.

As you grew, we could see that you were truly a child with a joyful heart. You have a gentle spirit and we could definitely see God working in and through you since you were very young, when you kicked your legs in praising God while listening to Psalty, when you clapped your hands at church to praise God, when you would share your cookies with others during church... even though you were so young. You care so much and I know that it's because God has uniquely created you in that way.

You and I have been through a lot these past 2 years and 4 months and I praise God that when daddy and I decided to let God control when we were going to have kids, we got you right away. You have made me smile and laugh so much these past so many months. Some days I survived only because of you. You have been so patient and loving with me on hard days... hugging me when I cried and sitting on my lap looking at me worried. You are truly a gift from the LORD.

I really think the Lord has some tremendous plans for you and I just pray that you will grow in obedience to what He has for you.

Thanks honey for trusting me on this journey. Thanks for putting your faith in Christ at such a young age and trusting God. Thanks for your hugs, your pats on the back, your kisses and your encouraging words. Thanks for daily telling me so many times that you love me and how much. "I love you up to Jesus' head, daddy's head, 259 rainbows and 20 10 trees."

I love you from the bottom of my heart. I can't wait to see what the Lord has for the both of us next. Let's keep trusting God and obey, no matter how hard it is for us because as we have seen, He's provided and we are filled with joy.

I love you...

Love,

Mommy

riches... what are we doing with ours?

For a few months, I’ve been thinking about money. How does scripture approach the topic of money? I’ve been reading the book “Radical” and over and over again it talks about how to follow Jesus it means to give away all that you have, take up the cross and follow Him. Following Him is not easy.

In thinking about this, I also thought of people who go overseas. Many people go overseas, leave everything comfortable behind and go after what the Lord has commanded them to do. What has made me sad these past few months as I thought about the topic of money, is how many of these people who go overseas have limited financial support. Still more who cannot go overseas because they do not have the financial means. And it makes me sad, as I experience life overseas and see how much the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few… and those who want to come cannot. It makes me sad that people just don’t jump up to help those who have this calling.

I am ever so blessed to have so much support in so many different ways, including financially, but my heart does break for those who face difficulty in going overseas, especially when I read letters of friends asking for support.

Today I read the chapter titled “How much is enough? – American wealth and a world of poverty”, in the book “Radical”. And not only are we lacking in helping one another, the body of Christ, we are blindsided to those around us. I too am guilty.

“I am much like the rich man, and the church I lead looks a lot like him too. Every Sunday we gather in a multimillion-dollar building with millions of dollars in vehicles parked outside. We leave worship to spend thousands of dollars on lunch before returning to hundreds of millions of dollars’ worth of homes. We live in luxury.

Meanwhile, the poor man is outside our gate. And he is hungry. In the time we gather for worship on a Sunday morning, almost a thousand children elsewhere die because they have no food. If it were our kids starving, they would all be gone by the time we said our closing prayer. We certainly wouldn’t ignore our kids while we sang songs and entertained ourselves, but we are content with ignoring other parents’ kids. Many of them are our spiritual brothers and sisters in developing nations. They are suffering from malnutrition, deformed bodies and brains, and preventable diseases. At most, we are throwing our scraps to them while we indulge in our pleasures here. Kind of like an extra chicken for the slaves at Christmas.

That is not what the people of God do. Regardless of what we say or sing or study on Sunday morning, rich people who neglect the poor are not the people of God.” (p. 115)

This is just one of the excerpts of the book that just wants me to ever be more like Jesus and I fail and it challenges me.

I am so rich. I look at the people around me… compared to them I’m filthy rich… I have a house, a car, food to eat at every meal, clothes for every season, shoes for any type of weather, toys galore for my daughter to play with, a nice comfortable bed to sleep on, a nice couch to watch movies on…. These are all riches that my neighbors do not have… I see people with arms or legs cut off begging for money on the side of the road. Children in rags with a can begging for money… I see shacks side by side for blocks with tin as their roof… and I do nothing.

I’ve said this before, but seriously saying some prayer doesn’t do it. Saying the prayer and thinking you got your ticket and could live the life you want… Read Romans if you think that way… especially chapters 5 and 6. Faith without works… Doesn’t mean that our salvation comes by works, but if you have faith,…

Yesterday I did a study with my girls here and we studied James 2. We had such a deep great conversation about this. But this is how we discussed it and I know this illustration has been made before, but…

When I started liking P, when I starting loving him, I wanted to do anything in the world for him, likewise, I feel that is the same with our love for Christ. When we confess our faith to Him and are so in love with Him, our actions would be different… the work we do would be different. It would be radical. So why is it that I have so much trouble, even though I am so madly in love with him, to live this radical life? Why is the church lacking in living this radical life?

I challenge you all to read the book. It will put into perspective all that you have already read in Scripture. But beware… you may come out of the other side of the book a radical person.

Please pray for me as I long for my focus to be outside of myself… that I may see the needs of the people around me… feed those who are hungry and clothes those who do not have. Sell all I possess and follow hard after Christ if that is what He wants from me or use all I have for those around me. The Lord has my back in providing for me and He’s used many of you to do exactly that. How I praise God for that.

Read the Book.

My God is so Big...

My God is so Big so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do...

I spent most of my teenage years and college years standing with children singing this song while doing motions. This past few weeks, I have been thinking a lot about God's bigness. I am in awe as I look up and see my Big God. Not only can I see His bigness, but I could feel it all around me... how He keeps our planet on it's perfect angle so we could survive... how the trees grow and the sun shines... how on one side of the earth people are waking up and the other side of the earth people are sleeping... how one person is lying in the hospital bed sick while another playing football on national tv and God in His bigness has control over all these things. The birds of the air fly freely, being fed by the food the Lord provides for them and how I have so many people that love Him to provide for me to be where I am.

I seriously this week have just been amazed at His bigness... and I get shivers thinking of who He is and how He deserves all the glory. I think of how full of love and how full of wrath He is and how He has the capability to show both every so fairly to us.

My God is Big... beyond words. I am so proud to be a daughter of such a big God!!! I think it would be counterfeit if He wasn't so big!!!

A asked me today if God has big hands... I asked why she was asking and she says that when she was reading her bible and God was building Adam that His hands were really big. And I told her how Big our God is...

I love my Father...

humor me...

today was a long day. we left at 8:30 in the morning to help some friends and didn't get home til like 3:30... we got done with helping my friends, but i had to make food for people coming over for dinner, so off we headed out to the store. when i got home, i just plopped on the bed and seriously just took a five minute nap and i had all the energy i needed back into my system.

i cooked... now if you know my mom, you'll understand where this comes from for me... there was only 5 people coming. but as i have learned from my mom... it's always better to have more than to run out... so what did i do... i made double the portion, just in case the guys ate a lot and you know... so instead of five, ten showed up. at first two came, then they remembered that they did not invite someone, so then that one showed up, who then invited his friend to come... then someone called one of the girls asking where they were and two more showed up... by the end there were 10 people... and still food was left over.

now these were all my national friends from church. it was so much fun. we laughed and made jokes and i just thought to myself how far i've come since august of 2006 when we first landed here... not a lick of the language... now i have these people coming over for dinner, laughing, making jokes and being silly. it was crazy fun. seriously!!! we ate so much and had so much fun!!! praise God for helping me learn the language and be able to do the little that i do.

on top of that, the amazing thing is A just gets it. i mean this is like her first language. and she loves when these aunts and uncles came to play. they were so good with her and she was just playing in the language like there is no tomorrow. playing house, cooking, hide and seek, chase... i mean they were all over the house. and i just thought to myself... she is such a native here.

i wish i had taken pictures...

consistency

sometimes i wonder why we humans cannot be consistent. why is it that one day i wake up with a smile on my face and i feel like nothing in the world could change the joy i feel and other days i wake up and the whole world is on my shoulders? why is it that one day i can turn the whole world upside down and other days i wake up with a defeated feeling? why is it that some days we are so long and patient and other days you are just so full of attitude and you have no idea where it came from?

i wish i had the answer.

these past few days with A being her bad self and me being my bad self... i just kept thinking i wish i could just fix this... go away.

people of this world talk about positive thinking. how if you keep thinking you could do something than you could do it. how if you put your mind to it than it will all turn out. it's kind of like the little train that could... "i think i can, i think i can." and that is probably what the answer to my questions would be if i asked someone... just think happy thoughts in the morning and you'll be happy, but what the world does not know is we are limited... and no matter how much we tell ourselves that, there will be a day we crash.

i realized this yesterday... as i so longed to have a better attitude and wanted to be a better, more patient mom for my baby. there is no way i could do this by myself. and so i prayed when the morning just started out to be a little chaotic... before i reacted, i just prayed that God would help me to be a better mom. and no joke, since yesterday, A has been so much better and i in turn feel like a different woman.

there is a book that i absolutely love called, "big girls don't whine" and it talks about how God wants all His daughters to be big girls. and i think i did a good chunk of whining along with my four year old these past few days... and i just need to start reading her signs and my signs better to be the bigger girl. i don't want A to grow up being a whiny little girl even though she's 30. i need to be an example of a big girl that she would grow to see good patterns of a big girl not a little girl in a big girls body.

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we are so excited to go back to the states. we have 22 more sleeps. things need to be wrapped up here in a lot of different areas. so please pray that i could do everything well. please pray that i would be the big girl in this family and not return to my little girl habits as things could get a little hectic here with packing and stuff. please pray for health for A and me. continue to pray for our visa. - we were promised that it would come out before our departure day, but it wouldn't hurt to pray about it.

please pray for those getting things ready for us stateside. we are very blessed to have such a great family, biological and through Christ, that are so generous.

For Sale

I know every parent has thought this thought... you just want to put your child up for sale and have someone else take them. I was sick for a week and a half, now A is sick. She turns into a serious 4 year old when she's sick, unlike her nice great mature self on other days. It just drives me crazy, which really I should think of it as a blessing, having such a wonderful daughter. So for like three days I have been dealing with a daughter who is whining and crabby, complaining and doesn't like anything but mommy. It has just been a few trying days... so tonight as I put A to bed, I prayed for forgiveness in my prayer... "Lord forgive me for being impatient with A and being quick to be angry. Forgive me for the tone I have been using with her..." and as I was praying this, my sweet daughter puts her hand on my shoulder. I just thought... well there is this Korean saying, "you give the sickness and you give the medicine". It means well you make the problem then you give the solution... A drove me crazy then her hand on my shoulder made it a little better, like medicine does.

So my daughter is not up for sale... if you asked me yesterday, I would have gladly said yes...

My friends tell me often and today CI told me... "because A is so mature, sometimes you forget she's four and then when she does act like a four year old you have to remind yourself that's she's four." So true.

24 more sleeps and we'll be in Chicago.

** How could you want to sell this face???**

thoughts from a sickie...

I have been striving to live life a day at a time… To daily have my hands open and ears ready to hear for what the Lord has for me. These past couple months, I feel have been a blob of thoughts unable to focus and today as I stay at home sick as the rest of the world around me is busy celebrating the ending of fasting month, I realize that I have been trying for the past couple months to look past today. I have been wanting to, as bad habits return, see the whole picture. These thoughts have bombarded me with thoughts, frustrations, guilt, defeat… but when I was living a day at a time, my life seemed so much more in order and satisfying.

For my birthday my in-laws sent me a book, “Radical”. The bad thing about me is that if the book is good, I don’t put it down. So today, since I am sick, that’s all I’ve been doing. Reading this great book on living a radical life for Christ. (Thanks C & J for taking A for me. I feel so much better just resting.)

I’ve been talking a lot about topics that are in the book with different friends and I love how this author, Platt, get to the bottom of things. You see Platt goes after the American Dream. That was my dream once… Going overseas was not. I always wanted a white picket fence with a big yard, children running around and a dog… As you all know that’s not what God had for me. And I just think… I would have missed the very essence of my faith, if I had chosen to not take that step of faith and go out on a date with P, who did not have the American dream, but was on his way overseas. God’s heart is for people… P was all over that from the first time I met him until the day he took his last breath… I, on the other hand, had to learn that.

These past couple months, as I struggled with wanting so badly to see the big picture, I feel I have also lost the one most important thing I had learned. Because I was so stuck on myself and wanting to know what was going to happen to ERP, I lost sight of those around me. Yes I did my “scheduled” things, but to go out of my way to be with people, to tell them about the love of Christ. I have failed!!!

As I think of this big picture concept, I am reminded that I don’t need to know that because God is already all over it and if I would just listen and obey, then I will eventually see the big picture. It may not be on this earth, but I will see it.

I’ve also thought in these past couple months how I am so comfortable. I have a car, a job, a great school for A, friends, routine… One may think live in Suburbia is comfort, but I think comfort is relative and to me… I am comfortable here. So I have been asking myself lately how the Lord would want to stretch me. No answer yet, but I’m definitely wanting to be stretched.
Some people tell me how I’ve been through so much and I’ve done my share and it’s okay to be comfortable… BUT as I look through scripture… following Christ is not comfortable. That’s what this book I’m reading about is talking about too. God didn’t call us to a life of comfort… God has asked us to throw everything away and follow Him. I’m not saying now I’m going to look for a jungle to live in, but I do want ways that the Lord wants to show Himself to me more and more in which then I could show His glory to those around me.

For so long I have believed in this Christianity of blessings and in many places that is all that is taught… When you believe God will bless you… if you ask HE will give… I remember a couple years back SC did a walk through the New Testament to talk about how following Christ is not just about that… it’s also about suffering and persecution… all for the glory of God!!! Why are we trying to sugar-coat the truth? Is truth not sufficient? Why are we so prone to make this like fantasy Christianity in which will actually lead them to not know truth?

I remember growing up going to church 3-4 times a week. My parents went every morning and still do to pray, when everyone else was sleeping. I remember going to revival meetings and falling asleep on my mom’s lap because it was going on for what felt like to me forever. I remember having cell meetings at our house or other people’s houses. And at the young age I was, I don’t ever remember thinking these people were not having fun. I mean they were, what seemed to me, hungry people for the Lord. My junior high and high school years were like that too. My church would have Sunday, Wednesday and Friday services. The Fridays would go on for hours and I think that’s when I grew spiritually… I remember praising and praying and sharing in groups… I remember after it was all done we would hang out my friends and I praising more… I would sit at the piano and others were playing other instruments just continuing the spirit that had ended for the night.

Why do I talk about this? Well, I just think of how everyone is about schedule now. Heaven forbid if the Sunday service went over an hour, is kind of the mentality people have now a days. Leaders want to accommodate for that and the attendants get frustrated if it goes over… we have plans for the rest of the day. In Acts… people sat in upper rooms for hours learning about Christ. Why is it that they had the attention span, but now people are all about theories of how people could only handle 20 minutes and then after that they tune out? Crazy… What then of all the people around the world that are risking their lives to learn about Christ, sitting hours at a time in a dim room, hungry for more? They are no different than us, but why could they sit for hours on end?

If we are not earnestly seeking for the truth… if we are not hungry for it… we will never know it!!!

Where is my passion? My hunger? My desire for truth? I like I stated before feel that I have reached this comfort zone and I feel the Lord asking me to walk out of this comfort zone. Honestly, it’s hard to think of another shift, but I want to obey. Take it a day at a time… So as I pray about what next steps I need to take… I challenge those of you who read this blog to ask God to take you out of your comfort zone… yes it is uncomfortable at first, but that’s what Christ asks us to do… Take up the cross and follow Him… Taking up a cross is no easy task. So are we going to do it?

thank you...

thank you everyone who e-mailed, who left facebook messages, who sent cards and packages... it was so great to turn 30 knowing i am so loved and cared for. we are on vacation with some friends and will leave in two more days. this is a present from my in-laws. love it!!!

it's not so bad being 30. it was like another day had just come and gone, not because it wasn't special, but because the day i turned 30 and the day before was no different in feelings. :)

my big day was great... i got the morning to myself while J&C took A. i got to go work out, watch a movie, read... it was good. then A and i took a nap... we went out for a real nice dinner... i'll have to put pictures up when i get home.

thank you everyone!!!

I'M 30 PEOPLE!!! WOO HOO!!!

flirty at 30

***We watched "Remember Me"... I wanted to watch "Salt", but wasn't playing... this is how we felt about the movie**

**I love this pizza, but it has to be NY style size**

**Thanks for coming out girls!!!**

What good friends I have... on this side of the world and on the other side. All that fluffy stuff we are wearing at the pizza place was sent by my dear friend KS. Leis and tiaras... and my friends in these pictures were such a good sport and wore them at dinner, around the mall and at the movies... it was so much fun. I guess turning 30 ain't that bad after all... I was the baby of the group so they shared some great insight on being 30 and I in turned shared some things in this decade of mine. Now I will share 30 highlights of my third decade of life... 2000-2010.

1. Finished 1st year of college

2. Finished college

3. First job

4. First car

5. God's work in my life to bring me back to Himself

6. Meeting P

7. Dating P

8. Family trip to Toronto

9. Marrying P and going to Cancun

10. Getting ready to come here

11. Having A

12. Lake Geneva

13. Coming here

14. Starting life here... one step at a time

15. Learning language and making new friends

16. The Beach

17. Jakarta

18. Fasting for future

19. P's homegoing

20. Grieving

21. Counseling (I love it!!!)

22. God given friends... old and new!!!

23. Hope

24. Trip back here and the Lord asking me to come back

25. My LA trip

26. Teaching English and making relationships

27. Traveling

28. Blogging

29. Experiencing God’s goodness and faithfulness in my life…

30. God’s grace to be able to turn 30…

Lord Thank you!!!!