Adventures

We had the best time in Hong Kong and Macau. We traveled for 20 hours to meet up with the girls... we rode a taxi to the airport, rode a plane to KL, took a taxi to the city to their Time Square during the layover, took a taxi back, rode a plane to Hong Kong, took a train to where we were supposed to get on a boat, the boat could not take us so A rode on the cart for baggages while I walked around looking for the bus terminal, then we got on a bus to get to the ferry to take us to Macau to see the JM's, we caught the ferry just in time, took it over to Macau and there after immigration, A and I were greeted by JM's with flowers. Our travels started at 4 am and we didn't get to JM's house til 1 am. it was a really long day. But it was all worth it.

I am in awe at the way JM has acculturated herself in Macau. She is definitely more Asian than me. JM can speak Cantonese so fluently and she's got all the crazy intonation and behaviors down. If JM (the one from Chicago, we'll just have to call her Red for this), puts JM teaching on facebook, I think it will be the best thing. She's just so Asian. BUT I have to say, I am so proud of her.

JM... as I watched you in your context, I was very challenged to be better in my context. You are totally them in my eyes and I know that people can see how you have given your all to be with them and live like them and live there with them. I am ashamed actually JM, as I watched you. You make it work there and have committed to what the Lord has called you to do. I love you and had such a great time with you. Thanks for being an example to me.

Our trip was so much fun. I have really great sisters... one that flies all the way from the states to see me and one that receives us with open arms. What a great celebration of friendship. The girls also started me on celebrating my 30th, which is in like a month... It was great.

We went to Disney and that was so much fun. The girls surprised me with a hotel on Disney grounds. It was an amazing weekend. Great company, good food, fun places... it was just a real treat!!!

Thanks Red and JM for making it such a wonderful time!!!

travelling

I'm sure there are people out there that have traveled more than us, especially to different countries and not the same ones over and over again. But tomorrow we are on another adventure to Hong Kong. We are actually flying in there and going to meet both our friends with the same initials, JM. One of the JM's lives there and we will take a ferry to go to her house. A couple nights at her place and a couple nights in Hong Kong. We will be going to Disneyland in Hong Kong. A is really excited about seeing Mickey and Minnie. She said that this time she won't be scared of them (because when we went to Disney World a year and a half ago, she was scared.).

Today I got a text from TB reminding me that I'm doing exactly what I said I was going to do. I told her and some other people that I really long to travel with A as the Lord provides. So here we are going to Hong Kong... another stamp on our passport.

The other day, A asked where Jesus died on the cross. We talked about it and I told her that later when she's old enough, then maybe we could go to the Holy Lands and do the Jesus tour. Then she asked how old... I said maybe 10. So today as we talked about going to Hong Kong, she says, "And when I'm 10 (with all her fingers up), we're going to go see where Jesus died."

I really want to go to Greece one day. I for some reason love the thought of going there and it just looks so amazingly beautiful. One day...

Please pray for us as we travel. I pray that all flights and stuff will go smoothly. A and I are struggling with some throat things, so please pray that it will be gone in the morning when we wake up.

Our flight is actually 6 in the morning, so we have to get in a taxi at like 4 tomorrow morning. So just pray for all that to go smoothly.

Stories

our new little friend EI

JM and me after getting our hairs done.

At A's friend's birthday party

All three of us together...

On the way to pick up JM, A had her first Wendy's.

It's been a crazy few weeks... I'm finally back on our schedule with the two of us and it's kind of nice to be back on routine. I have been traveling, helping friends get settled in, going back and forth to the airport, spending time with JM, and helping with a sick kid (not A).

During these crazy few weeks, A has been almost a terror. Just needing my attention, which I could not give. I thought about P a lot at those times... how he would just come and take her and let me do what I need to do. It was hard taking on responsibility alone especially when I had a little one to take care of also. But it was all worth it... I had a great time and it definitely stretched me. I've learned from that and know next time what I would do differently if I know crazy weeks are to come.

So today, I thought it would be great if A and I could get some alone time.... and during this time... I have three stories of the day that have in some ways kind of surprised me...

Before I go on... I just want everyone to know... Kids watch everything you do...

1. As we were driving today, A asked me how come God doesn't talk to us from the sky. I told her that God talks to us in our hearts and that if we want to hear Him, we need to spend lots of time in prayer and in the word... and my daughter says, "like you mommy?" My eyes filled with tears... I told her yes and advised her to do the same... I told her the more she did that, the more she would hear God's voice.

Woah did she really just say that about me? I sometimes get so down on myself for being such a bad mom... just feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job and when she said that, I was so thankful and humbled... the best compliment I have ever gotten. she is watching me and she does know that mommy loves God...

2. So then we went to the mall to play at the arcade and play area and stuff... but as we were walking around A says, "mommy you always like to look at clothes." ha ha... just a random statement, but what she sees in mommy...

That was so humbling also... I really want A to see me as the first story and not as much as the second one. I just thought, if I were to die tomorrow, which one would A remember the most....

3. To end the day, we took some medicine to our friends house for their little boy. As we walked to the car from their house, A and I were discussing some of her attitude issues... and in the midst of that, I told her that it's sometimes hard being a mommy and that it's nice if we could help each other out. Then A says, "Yea and you're daddy too."

It broke my heart to think that she really knows that I have taken on both roles. I jokingly said under my breath, "well if you know that then give me a break." So not only on top of being a mommy, I know in some ways she wants me to fulfill the role of a daddy... like when the other daddies are wrestling, giving shoulder rides, and doing daddy things... the thing is I can't... I'm a mommy... I praise God for all the uncles that have been loving her like crazy... but my heart hurts when she realizes that she doesn't have her own.

It's a humbling thought when you realize how much your child is observing you. How every time I lose my temper or how every time I give money to the poor... all those things impact the heart of my little girl. Humbling...

I realize that I do not live for A, but for the glory of God... Yet God entrusted me with this small child to grow into a godly woman and I want to teach her correctly with wisdom, love and actions...

Lord please grow me as I parent A... Help me to be a good, wise, loving, patient mommy... Help me as I do it alone... Help us both as we continually feel the absence of P in our lives... Speak to A especially and let her know that You are her Father...

heart issues

so it has been one of my busiest weeks. we went to visit friends, my crown fell off, had new friends come to live here, helped them out, got my daughter back, threw a party, fed people and lodged people... it was great but i was exhausted. i had a three hour nap today.

before my three hour nap, i have to admit i had a good cry. my heart is grieving loss, feeling the impact of my situation again - being single, but not really, and other heart issues. it's kind of crazy how my heart could be really excited about one thing, but really sad about other things.

it's funny though when A and i sometimes are grieving at the same time. she definitely grieves, but her expressions are so limited. she doesn't know how and what is causing her to feel certain ways. for example, after big gatherings with different families, A usually comes home and starts crying about how she misses daddy. i don't think that she realizes that she realizes it's not the same as other families, so she feels sad when she comes home. lately, my little A, so sweet she is, has been asking to pray for a new daddy. it's not the first time. we have talked about this before, especially when she talks about wanting a sibling, i explain we need a daddy... explain how her daddy is in heaven and that if the Lord would allow us, that maybe we would get a new daddy, but til then God is a daddy to both of us and that we need to trust He is doing what is best for us. this past month, every night before we go to bed, A will ask to pray for a new daddy... a daddy who is silly and loves Jesus is what she says.

it's hard enough sometimes to deal with our own emotions and heart issues, but when you have a four year old going through the same thing in a different way at the same time... it's kind of hard.

God is good... He's been faithful in this process for us both... He has been speaking to me in ways no one else can and i know that He's speaking to A. some days are good, some days are bad in general, but then add to that grief and that could be a pretty intense day.

please keep praying for us... for my heart, for anna's heart, for both of our desires to be a family again, but for total surrender to God's will...