so it has been one of my busiest weeks. we went to visit friends, my crown fell off, had new friends come to live here, helped them out, got my daughter back, threw a party, fed people and lodged people... it was great but i was exhausted. i had a three hour nap today.
before my three hour nap, i have to admit i had a good cry. my heart is grieving loss, feeling the impact of my situation again - being single, but not really, and other heart issues. it's kind of crazy how my heart could be really excited about one thing, but really sad about other things.
it's funny though when A and i sometimes are grieving at the same time. she definitely grieves, but her expressions are so limited. she doesn't know how and what is causing her to feel certain ways. for example, after big gatherings with different families, A usually comes home and starts crying about how she misses daddy. i don't think that she realizes that she realizes it's not the same as other families, so she feels sad when she comes home. lately, my little A, so sweet she is, has been asking to pray for a new daddy. it's not the first time. we have talked about this before, especially when she talks about wanting a sibling, i explain we need a daddy... explain how her daddy is in heaven and that if the Lord would allow us, that maybe we would get a new daddy, but til then God is a daddy to both of us and that we need to trust He is doing what is best for us. this past month, every night before we go to bed, A will ask to pray for a new daddy... a daddy who is silly and loves Jesus is what she says.
it's hard enough sometimes to deal with our own emotions and heart issues, but when you have a four year old going through the same thing in a different way at the same time... it's kind of hard.
God is good... He's been faithful in this process for us both... He has been speaking to me in ways no one else can and i know that He's speaking to A. some days are good, some days are bad in general, but then add to that grief and that could be a pretty intense day.
please keep praying for us... for my heart, for anna's heart, for both of our desires to be a family again, but for total surrender to God's will...
