our new little friend EI
JM and me after getting our hairs done.
At A's friend's birthday party
All three of us together...
On the way to pick up JM, A had her first Wendy's.
It's been a crazy few weeks... I'm finally back on our schedule with the two of us and it's kind of nice to be back on routine. I have been traveling, helping friends get settled in, going back and forth to the airport, spending time with JM, and helping with a sick kid (not A).
During these crazy few weeks, A has been almost a terror. Just needing my attention, which I could not give. I thought about P a lot at those times... how he would just come and take her and let me do what I need to do. It was hard taking on responsibility alone especially when I had a little one to take care of also. But it was all worth it... I had a great time and it definitely stretched me. I've learned from that and know next time what I would do differently if I know crazy weeks are to come.
So today, I thought it would be great if A and I could get some alone time.... and during this time... I have three stories of the day that have in some ways kind of surprised me...
Before I go on... I just want everyone to know... Kids watch everything you do...
1. As we were driving today, A asked me how come God doesn't talk to us from the sky. I told her that God talks to us in our hearts and that if we want to hear Him, we need to spend lots of time in prayer and in the word... and my daughter says, "like you mommy?" My eyes filled with tears... I told her yes and advised her to do the same... I told her the more she did that, the more she would hear God's voice.
Woah did she really just say that about me? I sometimes get so down on myself for being such a bad mom... just feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job and when she said that, I was so thankful and humbled... the best compliment I have ever gotten. she is watching me and she does know that mommy loves God...
2. So then we went to the mall to play at the arcade and play area and stuff... but as we were walking around A says, "mommy you always like to look at clothes." ha ha... just a random statement, but what she sees in mommy...
That was so humbling also... I really want A to see me as the first story and not as much as the second one. I just thought, if I were to die tomorrow, which one would A remember the most....
3. To end the day, we took some medicine to our friends house for their little boy. As we walked to the car from their house, A and I were discussing some of her attitude issues... and in the midst of that, I told her that it's sometimes hard being a mommy and that it's nice if we could help each other out. Then A says, "Yea and you're daddy too."
It broke my heart to think that she really knows that I have taken on both roles. I jokingly said under my breath, "well if you know that then give me a break." So not only on top of being a mommy, I know in some ways she wants me to fulfill the role of a daddy... like when the other daddies are wrestling, giving shoulder rides, and doing daddy things... the thing is I can't... I'm a mommy... I praise God for all the uncles that have been loving her like crazy... but my heart hurts when she realizes that she doesn't have her own.
It's a humbling thought when you realize how much your child is observing you. How every time I lose my temper or how every time I give money to the poor... all those things impact the heart of my little girl. Humbling...
I realize that I do not live for A, but for the glory of God... Yet God entrusted me with this small child to grow into a godly woman and I want to teach her correctly with wisdom, love and actions...
Lord please grow me as I parent A... Help me to be a good, wise, loving, patient mommy... Help me as I do it alone... Help us both as we continually feel the absence of P in our lives... Speak to A especially and let her know that You are her Father...
