sorrows in the crevices of life

i read in a book of a woman who shattered a glass jug after the death of her daughter and glued the jug back together again.  God used that as a healing tool, to see how shattered her life is and how God puts it back together.  these few months have felt like i needed to shatter something and God could have made a huge lesson out of that act, but instead He allowed the jug in my heart to keep filling and filling, with what i'm not sure, but i definitely could feel it, until it exploded into a million pieces.  tonight after the explosion, i spent an hour crying... i have been stuffing my heart with grief, not wanting to deal with it, ignoring the fact that it was there, pushing away the signs that told me i needed to stop... but i just kept going.  it's been over four years get over it E... right???  so wrong.

and tears well up again as i type this... last weekend i had a class where we talked about grief and crisis, there was no running from it any more, there it was right in my face... but i couldn't deal with it in class... so what do i do... stuff it again.  i should know better right... because who suffers the most besides me... A.  so today was the last straw... for both A and myself.  i cried as i prayed for her bedtime.  after she was in bed a little she called me and she was in tears.  then settling her in bed, i went to take a shower and cried.... and cried... and cried, which then reminded me of the times i cried in the shower after P died and cried some more.  thought i was done and started to work on a paper after the shower to find myself feeling the tension rise in my body....  this time i listened... stopped everything and went to the green couch to talk to God.  there i talked to him and explained to him how again this is just not what i expected.  how i really miss P.  then i started talking to P... i wish he was here to listen to all that i want to say.  an hour of this... then i started reading some letters i wrote to P after his death...  cried some more....  and still tears run down my cheek.

from far away a jug glued together may look like there is nothing wrong with it, rather it could look perfect and so beautiful, but the closer you go you notice the glue and the crevices where the pieces don't quite fit exactly together...  then you realize the imperfection of the jug that at one point what looked perfect is not so.  that's me.  i know many people look at me and think that i'm fine, perfect and beautiful, but the closer you look, you'll see the sorrow in the crevices and need of people to recognize it and help keep the jug from exploding again.  the Lord has done some amazing things in my life to turn sorrow into joy, but it's a continual coming back this thing called grief and it's quite disturbing of the every day life.  i cannot ever again let it stuff this long... do not like the exploding effects.  i need to be more mindful and intentional about taking care of the feelings that are underlying my everyday reactions during the day... the only way to do that is to stay grounded in the word and allow the holy spirit to continue to bring the things hiding in the dark to light that it may not plant bad seeds in my heart, but rather be burned to the core with truth.

Lord... i'm in a million pieces exploded all over... i ask for a new beautiful masterpiece... incorporating the old and bringing in new, but still showing the imperfections of me, at the same time demonstrating the perfection of your work in me.

E, you need to ... breath... abide... live... glorify... delight... trust... magnify... love...

going outward...

rise up.
be bold.
be about ME.
wake up and look around.
act!!

these are words that i hear God speaking to my heart.  my heart is bursting with passion, but don't know where to start.  i am going to start with ending my blog.  this will be my last entry.  i will close out the blog soon (when i learn how).

God has been revealing so much to me... a whole summer of illuminations as my professor calls them.  and i need to now act.  and sitting at home writing blogs just doesn't seem to me NOW (whereas before it was a place to express my raw feelings) as more than a way for me to connect with whoever is still reading this.  i did at one point wonder if my blog could help those in need and maybe it has, but honestly... i feel like it's just about me and what i'm going through... a way to get sympathy... some attention even maybe.  i desire real relationships!!  phone calls, e-mails, letters... i want to connect with people on a deeper level... have a covenant relationship with grace, empowerment and intimacy.  speak into each others lives and be humble enough to be sharpened and then to sharpen others.  i don't want to keep blogging about it, hoping that someone will understand my heart and do it with me... i want to act upon it and have it.  i honestly don't even want to have artificial friendships on facebook.  i look at 400+ friends on facebook and think those aren't real friendships because when i look at that, there are really only a handful of people that i would consider having the covenant, grace-filled, empowering, intimate relationships that i desire.

i guess you could read into my frustration a little bit.  this is the thing... i want realness... genuineness... in depth rawness and the ability to stand naked and unashamed in front of people... especially my brothers and sisters and Christ.  i feel that the church should be that and instead there is more slander, gossip, put-downs, distance within... it saddens me.

this closing of my blog is not all of a sudden.  i don't want to come across impulsive.  i have been writing less and less... i've been praying about ending facebook as well.  it's my desire to connect...

four more days

listening to the sounds of the singing cicadas on my squirrel free balcony (we had a squirrel living in our tomato plant, now gone) as i think of how i have four more days before school starts for both A and me.  i am very sad that i will not be able to take A to her first day of school because i have classes that day, but am thankful for God's provision in having my sister's school go through construction so she doesn't have to start school until after labor day, making it a little easier for me to be okay since she will be taking her to school and picking her up.

as a single mom, i think you give yourself a little bit more pressure to do everything right and be there for everything.  when you can't you feel like a failure... you want to make up for the loss that your child has so you try extra harder to make it even better.  i know in my mind that if P was here it would be different and i probably wouldn't have felt all these little things are so meaningful... but it is what it is and as much as i tell myself it is okay... i still feel the pressure and feel like i'm letting A down and that she will feel the missing piece.

the thing is, no matter how hard i work at it, she'll always feel the missing piece and that's what's going to make up her story... but as a mom... as a parent, you can't let it go so easy.  so i give my sister the day to fill my missing piece with camera along so i don't have to miss it...

so four more days... i haven't finished one book that i wanted to before i start class and the pressure is on.  i have 14 credit hours of classes, but i have more classes that has to do with theology this semester than previous, so a little nervous about that.  those professors are much harder.  :)

i just wanted to say a little something on this balcony as i sat here before i start my reading.

let the semester begin!!

in kansas on the boat... please pray for us as you look at the picture.

Not What I expected

What day is it?  What time is it?  What do we have to do next?  This is not what I wanted from this summer.  I wanted my last relaxing summer with A.  I guess I should have guessed that wasn’t going to be the case when I signed up for an internship.  Yet my hopes of a fun filled summer was high since I was only doing the internship three days a week.  Unfortunately, it became a summer of busyness.

Days at the pool were scarce.  Meeting people was rare.  Riding our bikes hardly existed.  All things I was hoping to do a lot this summer ended up being something that really didn’t happen.  I really wanted to spend time with families from A’s class and build relationships.  I wanted to do fun things with my friends and I think I got one movie in with JM and a paddle board date with RP.  

In all of the things I did not expect, something else unexpected happen.  God started planting seeds of what my future may/could look like.  It’s so crazy… It came in the most unexpected, last thing I thought could ever happen type of way.  I’m still praying about it so I won’t go into detail, but I just know that what I have been running from may be the one thing that brings joy into my life in serving the Lord.

Another unexpected thing God has been doing in my life is growing contentment in me.  I have been for years wanting to get out of being single.  I didn’t want to raise A alone, I didn’t want to be a widow, I wanted to share my life with someone else…  but this summer God has given me the gift of contentment.  I really am content and satisfied at the life God has given me.  I have been doing this a little over four years and God has walked me through all of this.  Life has been good and God has been faithful.  So this summer I have realized my contentment and how even though my desire still exists, my dire need to have someone has gone down.  

The good thing is that if the Lord is truly leading me in what I think He is, I’m so glad He has also worked on my heart to be content.  A is doing real good as well… of course she still misses her daddy and asks for a new one, I have been reminding her how God has been with us these years and when it’s time, He will provide, but for now… He wants us to be the P girls…  

I currently am sitting on the deck of the P cabin in the middle of Kansas.  It is absolutely beautiful.  I see and unending stretch of land, patches of green and brown/yellow.  I see hawks flying in the sky looking for food.  The wind is blowing making the trees and dry grass dance to its beat.  I wanted to go to this hill that P used to go to with his high school friends and pray, but I decided to spend a couple hours with grandma instead.  And now I find myself in the middle of nowhere listening to the wind blow and nature whisper sweet nothings to each other.  

This summer was nothing like what I expected, but God is everything I wanted.  Through these unexpected times in my life, God has been good and faithful.  He continues to lead each step of the way and I continue to wait in anticipation at what He will do.

Please continue to pray for us…

1. As we start school on August 22.  A is starting first grade (unbelievable) and I will hopefully be finishing my last semester.
2. As I continue to seek God’s will for us.
3. As we grow in Christ… I pray for purity, holiness and a passion for Him, that we may be called righteous before our King.
4. As the busyness of the school year starts that I could make sure to do things for myself and give A space to grow as well.

from my walk around the cabin

sunset at the cabin

I love Jesus because...

i love  jesus because he tacscar uv me and dide on the cros to tace uwa are sins.

a new creation

these past couple weeks, God has been planting seeds into my heart and some are growing deep roots as i spend time reflecting  and meditating on it and examining who i am in Christ.  i am a new creation in Christ... the old is gone and the new has come.  satan likes to make me think that i'm not this new creation.  not every day, but at times he likes to remind me of who i was and make me doubt myself.  during those times, i struggle to let truth sink into my heart.  but a couple weeks ago i heard of a story that made the truth of me being a new creation root deep into my heart.

a friend told me of this girl who started dating (a girl i know) and as we were talking about what kind of guy he was, she told me how this girl had a past of a true non-believer before committing her life to the Lord.  so as she started dating this guy, she began telling him that she's not who he thinks she is that she has this past... and he told her that it didn't matter because in Christ she is a new creation and the  past does not define who she is.  Christ has redeemed her.  that is mere man speaking to an equal sinner... how much more does our Savior say that to us... "I've done the work for you... it's all cleared.  you don't have to keep thinking about that and dwell and muddle in that.  be the new creation i have made you to be."

i love counseling and i love helping people in their struggles.  one area i feel that counseling could be dangerous for believers is the fact that it could let us dwell in the old and not let  us stand firm in the new.  counseling lets you go to your past and dig up all the reason why it went wrong or why you are the way you are, which i think is valuable, but the danger comes if you decide to stay there.  i like how my friend put it... she was told by an older wiser godly woman that when the spirit leads, it's good to go back to those places and have the spirit reveal what He needs to (because there could be new insight that He wants you know understand) and then come out... don't dwell there and stay longer than the spirit would have you.  we don't have to keep going there... it's the old and we are the new in Christ.

we have to hold fast to our identity in Christ.  the thing is, the world is going to ask us, "who do you think you are?" and if we don't know who we are, then we will shrivel and not stand up to the truth that Christ has made us into a new creation who has authority to speak truth, rebuke and sharpen those around us, in truth and love.  i don't mean to slap people in their face, but stand firm on who you are... we who believe in the work of Jesus Christ are God's sons and daughters.  we should not waver from that.

as i think about this... i have this new confidence of who ERP is!!  and this new creation is continually being shaped and molded and torn apart to be made into the creation God wants me to be.  i am all open for God to do this in my life!!

alpha and omega

have you ever watched a movie that you've already watched before with someone who was watching it for the first time?  i think it's the best when it's like an action movie, but love stories work this way as well.  so you're sitting there watching the movie and in the beginning it's just setting the tone and sometimes the person who is watching it for the first time will ask you questions and you just smile saying, "watch..."  then the plot starts to thicken, it's getting intense, the good guy seems like the bad guy or the couple breaks up or someone dies or a new character enters that turns the whole plot upside down and you don't know what to think.  but the thing is you know how it's going to end.  i really like watching the person get excited, sad, mad or whatever as they are trying to figure out what's going on... i just smile because i know what the end is going to be and it's going to be good.  you just want to tell them something, but you don't want to ruin it for them, so you just watch their heart clench, release and hurt as the story plot goes...

yesterday during my date with Jesus, i read isaiah 46 and a verse stuck out at me... the verse that stuck out was 10, but i'm going to write 8-10...

"Remember this and stand firm, recall it to mind, you transgressors, remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done."


declaring the end from the beginning...

i have been praying for God to open doors for me as i think of next steps.  i could see myself doing so many different things.  teaching children, moving overseas, being a stay at home mom, counseling, working with a church, being in a ministry, doing discipleship with new believers, running programs, translating, i speak three languages fluently and i know God could use that some way, etc.... and sometimes i get all flustered and feel antsy thinking about it, but as i read this verse, i felt a peace come over me.  my God... my heavenly father declared the end from the beginning.  He is God and there is no other and this God declares the end from the beginning.  it was so reassuring to know that my God knows.  this is the thing... i knew that... i tell A that all the time that God knows everything, things of old, things today and things tomorrow... but for some reason this verse spoke a different volume for me.  interesting huh??  i love it!!

so i imagined God and me on this life being like when i sit with someone who hasn't watched the movie i have watched before.  God knows the end and every time i say or ask things like, "seriously this is how it's going to end?" or "he isn't really going to be a character of this story is he?"  or "what is that person in the story for?  s/he seems so irrelevant."  God just smiles and says, "watch and see..."  sometimes He could even say, "it'll get better i promise..." or maybe even "this is just the beginning..."

the thing is this, some times i have friends who are like, "i can't believe you like that movie, it was so bad."  even though it's like a movie i really like... or "wow that's not what i expected, i'm a little disappointed."  anyway the point is... God tells us the end of our story... Jesus' return to take His people to eternity with Him in heaven... the suspense of getting there is what gets us, but does that have to get us... we know the end and it's a beautiful ending, which means that the story line in between will reflect that...

i need to remember in life when i get frustrated or just want to know... that God declared it from the beginning and that i don't have to get flustered over it... it will become clear when it's time.  it's like the verse in psalms that i enjoy... i can't remember right now where it's from, but it says that God ordained the things in our life... ordained it...

this is the food for thought that i had.

my sister's church is having a VBS this week and A has been going to that, which leaves my time before my internship pretty open.  it's been good quality time with my God.

please continue to pray for us... especially me as i do pray continually and look into options as i look into the future to see where the Lord would have me invest a season of my life.  who knows i could be here for the next 20 years of my life... in indonesia for the next 5 years of my life... in new york for the next 10 months... in school for another 4 years... no one knows, but i'm open to anything that He would have for me.  i've been praying for God to open doors for me in the direction He wants me to go and that i will have a discerning obedient heart as i take steps forward.

when are we going to work?

this is the question that i have been hearing in the morning when A gets up.  that's what she calls my internship... work...  and she loves going.  she's been a great help and is enjoying the program herself at "work".

our schedule has been so weird and this is our first full week at this that it's taking a bit to get used to.  by next week hopefully things will be good.  we go to "work" on mondays, tuesdays and thursdays.  we leave the house around 11:15 and get home anywhere from 6:30-7:30 depending on what the activity was that day.  so we've been getting to bed later and getting up later.  this week, again being the first week and having the fourth in between it's weird, but i want to get into some kind of pattern that we could actually start hanging out with people...

today during my quiet time i read psalm 105.  having just finished a class on evangelism and reading this i was reminded of what my professor said in our class... "you must rediscover the gospel every day".  i prayed that the gospel will be real in my life today...

Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;
     make known his deeds among the peoples!
² Sing to him, sing praises to him;
     tell of all his wondrous works!
³ Glory in his holy name;
    let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!
⁴ Seek the Lord and his strength;
     seek his presence continually!
⁵ Remember the wondrous works that he has done,
    his miracles, and the judgments he uttered,
⁶ O offspring of Abraham, his servant,
    children of Jacob, his chosen ones!


we are to make his deeds known about the peoples... tell of all his wondrous works... so i share a story...


today i heard a story... Y is an adolescent who lived 12 years in a refugee camp without the chance to go to school.  Living in two different refugee camps in a country that is hostile toward his people... he told me his story.  my eyes filled with tears and my heart grew heavy.  the peoples that psalm 105 talks about that we need to make his deeds known to are right here in our midst.  they have lived a life that is unimaginable to us.  they have a story that they want to tell.  are we willing to listen and share THE STORY with them??  let us not grow lazy in telling people about Jesus!!  He is the only hope to those around us.  


a resource that i liked from my class is www.viewthestory.com  .  look through it and see if it could help you tell others about Jesus.  it has an app for your phone as well.


here are some pictures of our week at "work".

pray for these peoples!!

memos

first time in a while to sit down and have some time to write down some things that i have thought about, have been thinking about or just passed in thought...

• i am currently in a class that is on the foundations of evangelism (one day left).  i am one of three girls in a class of 23 and the only non-seminary student.  i was a little nervous going into it knowing that i was going to be with people who are theologically trained... here i am a little non-bible studied person.  but man this class is so good.  i have been stretched in thinking in ways i have never thought, i have been stretched to speak up in a class dominantly male, i have been learning so so much.  God is good!!  i have been enjoying our discussions, my professor (super funny and atypical seminary professor), my small group and the international representation in the class... korea, uk, southside chicago, rural america, turkey, big city new york, chicago, suburbia... then there is the different experiences in ministry... it has been fanning some serious passions of my heart and helping me hone in what i see myself in later in life.  i come out of that class so energized (internally because physically sitting in a class for 5 hours is pretty exhausting) and driven by the very heartbeat of Christ.

• the other day A told me that her heart was dirty and that she wanted to write a book about how Jesus makes our hearts clean.  how profound of a six year old.  i asked her what makes our hearts dirty and she said sin.  the thing is, i have never used that kind of wording with her.  i asked her where she got it from and she said she thought of it on her own.  what will God use A for??  i'm so excited to see.
• i was driving down the tollway to get A from camp a couple days ago and i saw this huge truck with different boxes of plywood.  for some reason it made me think of the crate they put P's body in... watching it from jakarta's airport lounge to amsterdam's airport lounge to chicago where we watched it get into the hearse.  it didn't really bring any kind of emotion, but just thought how there was that time in my life... made me go .... hmmmmmm
• i took a class before this one... audited it and i don't know if i said this, but i keep thinking about it...  our passions come from the brokenness in our life.  God is growing this passion in me and some of it definitely is from the brokenness of my life.  i am so excited to see what God is going to do in my life, how He is going to use me for His kingdom and where i will be 5 years from now!!!  

Please continue to pray for us!!!!  Health, sleep, passions, future, faith, obedience and hope!!!

countdown

there are times in your life where you wish you could live in a fairy tale land with bright days and sunshine, birds that sing to you while making your bed and mice that help make your dreams come true... i feel like our vacation has been a fairy tale.  away from the reals in life... away from the busyness of time... away from responsibilities...  A and i have had such a great vacation, i am truly sad that the countdown is now at a little over 12 hours.

a quick look at our vacation...

day 1:  we arrived a little after lunch, rested and headed to our water park.  it is a huge park... there is an indoor and outdoor theme park and and indoor and outdoor water park.  we went around the whole place trying random rides and slides.  then we went to dinner and to bed.

day 2: we went to downtown wisconsin dells where we walked around.  at one point we saw a police chasing a man.  the man was being chased in his car and then stopped his car and started running... i mean like booking it down the street to the building right in front of us with cops right behind him.  i wonder if there weren't so many people on the main drag if there would have been gunshots...  also on our walk we found $10 on the ground.  a special blessing.  :)  we came back to our hotel for a quick lunch and headed to the water parks again.  now if you know me a little, then you would know that i'm seriously scared of roller coasters... so big water slides do about the same thing to me... but what do you do when you have a 6 year old... have to play tough for her sake so she could try the fun stuff right??  so we went on a really scary drop water slide... i had a blast.  i wanted to go on it again, but A was scared.  :)  it was so much fun!!  we went on a lot of other water slides and i think because i know that in the end i'll get wet, it makes it better than a roller coaster that just scares you the whole way.  :)  so we had a ton of fun!!

day 3 (today):  we slept in and went to the water park as it opened.  we went on rides, water slides, went into the wave pool, ate lunch, hopped on the lazy river, wave pool, water slides... we spent like 6 hours at the parks... then we came back to the hotel, took a shower and headed out to dinner.  the disney channel was having a movie at 8 that A wanted to watch so we came to watch that and now she's in bed and i'm packing up to leave.

i enjoy vacations and i feel like we haven't had one like this in a long time, but i realized some things on this trip...

1. A and i love each other like crazy, we have so much fun together and she is a joy to be around.  she would say something crazy and i would start laughing and she would be so proud of herself.  or i would tell her something and she would give me this look that makes me laugh and we just bust out laughing.  she would tell me that i'm miss scaredy pants and i'd dare her to do it and there she goes...  usually after asking for something... like an ice cream afterward.  :)  i would do it too, but that was a way to get her to do the scary stuff.  :)
2. i carry around this fear that i am going to ruin A's life... but i realized that i am a good mom.  not just because we came on this trip, but seeing what a wonderful daughter i have and seeing how she is growing encourages me... i must be doing something right, but on top of that, i got several e-mails, texts and phone calls from people who told me that i am doing a good job with her.  makes me a little confident.
3. we miss P.  
4. A's roots run deep in indonesia.  the whole trip, she kept comparing it to our vacations in indonesia. i know it's because that's where most of our vacations have been, but she would talk about the beach we used to go to or the water park in indonesia.  A loves that place.  she started this bucket after watching the movie "up".  the bucket is to save up for a trip to indonesia.  she wants to go and visit, so started up a fund for it.  when the bucket is full, hopefully we will have enough to go see her roots.
5. i have a lot of work to do when i get home.  :)

this was a fantastic vacation.  i praise God for helping me give myself permission to come on this trip.  it was a struggle for me to allow myself to do this, but God used a few people to talk me into it.  i'm glad He did.  A and i are making tons of memories!!!  i love it!!  thank you God for your goodness during these four years... four years ago on this date, i took heavy, stomach churning steps to our house with eyes full of tears... first time after P's death... to start packing what we needed to bring back to the states and separating what i wanted others to bring later on and what could be thrown away... after a blow to the stomach it seemed impossible to know what to do, but we got it done... tomorrow's date is when we flew back to the states...  i know it's been four years, but that week alone felt like four years... 

it's crazy how i started talking about this great vacation we are having and then... just like that, i go back to these real vivid days of horror, shock, numbness, fear, sadness, grief, unbelief... not many i guess at the age of 27, loses their husband, their home, life, work, future all in a matter of days.  one day you are celebrating the return of your husband who has been gone for a month on what happens to be father's day the next you are preparing a funeral for one in country and one in the states.  phone call after phone call to arrange something from so far away... decisions you have to make...  it seems so crazy.  i still so much appreciate AB (from indo side) and RB (from state side) for walking me through those days.  i mean for what they were going through as well... they really made it easy for me to do what i had to do.  i am amazed at all that so many people had to do to make it possible for us to leave the country with P's body in a matter of four days after his death and to receive us on the other end.  so crazy...  but here we are four years later... A graduated from kindergarten with two front teeth missing, reading bible stories on her own for her quiet time... me finished with my first year of grad school, have all my teeth and pressing hard into God's word to obey what He has for us.  we've come a long way!!  thank you Jesus!!!

thanks for continually praying for us and loving on us!!

cheesehead!!

this is A's favorite ride.

on the go karts.  it was so much fun!!

1460

1460 days equals four years.  i told A that we were going on vacation to celebrate God's goodness to us through these four years since daddy's been gone.  this morning as soon as she woke up, she ran to my room and yelled, "wisconsin dells".  she has heard about this place so much from others that she was totally psyched to come.  we left mid  morning and drove here.

during our drive, A watched movies, colored and listened to stories on the ipod...  while she was doing that, i found myself crying.  for some reason i kept remembering P's last words to me on the phone before he went on the ventilator.... "I'm doing this so I could come home sooner..."  it was so vivid... AB's phone call came at around 11 and i called for my helper to watch A as i went into the study to hear what was going on at the hospital.  AB explained what the doctors had said and then put P on the phone so we could talk before they sedated him for the ventilator.  i cried our whole conversation... i wish i was stronger... this was his first time in the hospital so far away from the known medical system and it involved some serious procedures... all i did was cry and instead of me saying things to get him through what he was probably scared of, he was on the other end telling me everything was going to be okay and he would be home soon... that we would be going back to the states soon... this had to be done so he could get better soon and be with his girls that he had to be away from for a month already.

sometimes you just wish you knew what was going to happen so you don't regret anything... on my drive i remembered going to the store to pick up some pj pants for P to be in while he was in the hospital since i knew they don't give you anything to wear.  i wished today that i didn't waste time doing that and spent more time next to his bed and let him listen to my voice a little more before going.

1460 days... sounds so long and i find myself feeling like it's been centuries since this happened, yet 4 years doesn't sound so long... and i find myself feeling like it has only been 4 years.  so many things can go through your head as you reflect, remember and refresh your body on a day that brings so much emotion...  today is a memory of a horrific tragic day for me... yet i also am thankful at how God has brought me to where I am.

we got to the dells a little past lunch and rested a little before heading to the water park connected to our hotel.  it was so crowded, but we had so much fun!!  i love A's age.  she's now tall enough to do so much and is so brave that i can do so much more with her.  we laughed a lot as we went on  the awesome water slides and talked about how it made us feel (A said she had butterflies in her tummy on some of the rides).  we relaxed on the lazy river...  there were times where we talked about missing daddy and indonesia, but it was all good in the midst of the fun we were having.  i told her that i liked having fun today because daddy was a fun guy and he loved doing fun things with us... so he's probably really glad we are enjoying ourselves!!

we didn't get to our hotel until really close to 10 tonight... we went to eat and then went around for a while...  A fell right to sleep... and i am spending some time reflecting as i blog...

this is a picture i wanted to share.  on wednesday as i was sleeping, A asked if she could watch a veggie tales, i told her she could and then before i know it, she brings me this picture.  she was going to stay with her auntie B because i had to go to my internship orientation and she wanted to make something for her aunt so she went to the extras on the DVD and did the "how to draw" section and drew and colored this for auntie B as a thank you for taking care of her.  i don't know about you, but i think for a 6 year old this is pretty darn good considering it was free hand by following the directions.  as i look at this, i know that she is her daddy's daughter.  i can draw a little bit, but nothing like this.  i am amazed by her.

as i think about what this day means to me... all i can say is that it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day... if i could avoid ever experiencing a day like that again, i would.  BUT... this day also means the journey into the abyss that was overcome by light as i let my Father lead me through it.  it's this crazy balance dance... as i said before i do this balancing act between hope and obedience... this crazy balance dance is mourning and grieving, but also rejoicing and being thankful.  

i am exhausted by all that this day brings to me.  off to bed i go.  

i am so thankful for prayers, texts, e-mails and fb messages from many.  grateful for all of you and please continue to pray for us.  we are here til tuesday.  

God is good... all the time!

HICHB

how it could have been....

tomorrow we are getting on the plane to go to the states for our second furlough since we've been here.  P is at the immigration office getting our exit visas and the boys are playing outside in the yard.  A is finishing her Kindergarten work while i finish putting all the kids stuff in their bags to keep them occupied in the plane.  whew... this time it's so different.  when we went back to the states four years ago, we only had A and David was on the way... this time we have A, David (what we were going to name A if she was a boy) and Jeremiah (a name that i really like, but P was not really into it) with this little one on the way, due a few months into our time in the states.  God has been so good during our past three years back here, growing our family and blossoming our ministry.  the english center has been doing so well.  we have a steady group of college students coming and have recently gotten some moms coming in for conversation classes.  P has been pretty busy managing the center, teaching and being an involved daddy as i have been teaching and raising kids while homeschooling, so we are excited to have some down time when we get the states and restore our hearts and spirits as we take our furlough and meet the newest member of our family.  most of all we are excited to be with family and friends to tell you of all the awesome things the Lord has been doing in our life here and where He is leading us for the next season of our life.

how it is...

tomorrow A and i are heading to wisconsin dells to celebrate the life of P.  i like doing fun things to remember him, he was a fun guy... this year for some reason i really feel like being alone and getting away. A is totally pumped up to go and i'm ready to have a vacation.  i'm hoping to get some reading done and getting some down time.  i hope to have tons of fun with A since when we get back i will have a week of intense class and then my internship will be full force.  i have been looking through pictures and reading through journals, past blogs... God has been really good and faithful.  as we spend our time away, having fun is going to be great, but i also want to reflect on these past four years and find God's hand at work in our lives throughout these years.  as i have made some significant changes in my life, i am excited to see God's will unfold for us in this next season of our life!!  it's exciting and scary all at the same time, but i choose to continue to follow the Lord that has been with me through the valley of the shadow of death!!

please pray for us as we remember, reflect and refresh!!

toothless

this is my toothless!!

God is extremely good to me.  This week I started my internship and it has been incredible.  I feel the deepest passion in my heart rising  up from somewhere inside that hasn't been touched in a while.  The Lord is taking me on an adventure that I am actually kind of scared of going on, but willing to step out of this comfy boat of mine to see if I could walk on water or not.  So thankful for friends, my sisters in Christ, that have helped take care of A for these days of internship as it is not with children yet, but more of the planning aspect and getting to know the organization along with the families that we will be working with.  As the program starts, A will be joining me and I think it will be a great experience for the both of us.  God is going to use A as well and I pray this will only plant the deep passions in her heart that she will live for in the future for the Lord.

These past couple days, I have gotten a couple letters and a conversation about how people are praying for me this week.  Thank you!!  I can't believe it will be four years this weekend.  I have been thinking about it and my emotions are a little down, but in the midst of that, what I wrote about already is giving me hope for the future.  I do fall into some dark days during this time, but I know that it won't be too long.  Taking it a day at a time and will continue to hope for and look for the light at the end of the tunnel.  

A and I are going on vacation in celebration of P's life and celebration of God's goodness to us over these four years.  Please be praying for us!!  We are so grateful for all of you who continue to read this, pray for us and support us!!

talent

my daughter loves to dance... she gets that from her mama...  :)  today she had her performance after 9 months of classes.  i know i brag a lot of my little girl, but i'm just so thankful for the way she is growing.  she's really quite a kid!!  thank you so much for all our friends for coming out and supporting her and loving on A!!!  i really appreciate all of you!!

in the elevator of our condo

this is the whole dance company

A's class

dreams do come true...

my last post was about making your dreams come true.  one of the personality tests i took was an assessment of my likes and dislikes... interests and things i would rather avoid... depending on that, they gave us careers to pursue and avoid and even gave us possible interests to explore or look into... so one of the things that was on my explore list was under the category of producing was woodworking, mechanics and things like that... so today my dream came true and i understood why the test would tell me to develop that part of my life.  

rewind... when i was in junior high... my favorite class was shop.  i made a seriously cool clock and a cutting board.  it was super awesome!!  when i was 3... this is classic... my parents caught me at the tv with a screwdriver.  when they asked what i was doing, apparently i told them i was going to open the tv to get the people out...  so i think i'm gifted in that way some how... :)

a few days ago, A told me that our DVD player was broken.  i took a look at it and well... the DVD was stuck in there.  today... i finally got around to fixing it.  took the whole thing apart got the DVD out and now A is watching a movie.  :)  

i wonder how i could develop this wonderful skill i have... ha ha...

dreams are what you make of it...

yesterday i started my career counseling class.  it is not a required class for my new program, but i heard it was really good, so i am auditing it.  it is quite interesting and during the past two days i have been learning a lot about myself... honestly i have enjoyed it because i don't have to do any of the work  :)... just show up for class.  it's really relaxing and stress free.  so like today, i went to class and as the class took a test, i sat at my seat looking at facebook, returning emails to people and figuring out my schedule.

before i tell you more about this topic, i want to rewind a little bit and tell you about an amazing opportunity that i have been given this summer.  i have been praying about what to do this summer.  it has been a lot of tossing around of ideas, praying and discussing with people about what i should do this summer.  i had originally thought that i would do 3 summer classes and work.  through the program changes, i didn't have to take those 3 classes, instead i am auditing one and taking one.  so then i started looking for a job, since i got my teaching certificate renewed, i started looking for teaching jobs, but as i looked at the schedule, i didn't like the fact that all school year, A and i are in our own school worlds and during the summer as well i would be busy.  P and i wanted to raise our kids with mom at home and him doing the work... i know it's different situation, but i was praying through and calculating if i really wanted to sacrifice time with my daughter during the summer since our school year is so crazy.  after much thinking and discussions and brainstorming and praying... i had an idea...i thought of my friend KD.  she is a friend that works for World Relief here in Chicago.  i thought if i could volunteer with them, i could get experience with other cultures (which i have been missing) and start looking into the directions that God would have for me in the future.  so i called KD and she hooked me up with her co-worker... long story short... i am interning this summer with World Relief with the youth summer program... best part... A gets to go with me!!!  i am all about having A being part of my processing, so when this opportunity came up, i told her to pray about it and see if this is what God would have us do together to serve him.  the next day, as we were walking, A says, "mom, God says we should do it."  so out of the blue, i wasn't quite sure what she was talking about, then she said, "God said we should go be with the kids and tell them about Jesus."  i was moved.  my little baby... so we are going to serve God this summer in this program... Lord willing we will have opportunities to connect with the people there...

okay so back to my class... while the rest of the class was taking the test, i sat and scheduled my summer with this program and everything... a trip to kansas... hoping to take a trip just me and A to somewhere near by...  you know...  anyway... this class has been very introspective.  it's an interesting mix of students... i am learning about myself.  i have taken the meyers-briggs personality test like 3 times in the last 5 years or so... the first time i took it in 2006 and i was and ENFJ... in 2009 i changed drastically to an ESFP...  interesting...  then i took it for this class and i'm an ESFJ.  along with the meyers-brigg, i also took a couple other tests and it all came out that i am extroverted and a strong social butterfly.  ha ha... my sister said, "you needed a test to tell you that??"  but anyway, today in my group we were discussing each of our personalities and what we would be good at and my professor said, "Esther, an ESFJ is a hostess..."  and i was like, "YES that's totally me!!!"  my classmates who knew me agreed as well with enthusiasm.  so anyway... i have been learning about myself...

in that, my professor talks about how most people have 2-3 careers in a lifetime and most of the people hate their job and never get to do their dream job.  i'm 31.  lived a lot of life during these 31 years.  if i am going to do anything, i want it to be something i really enjoy and fits me... not something i'm just good at, but that i'm good at and enjoy!!!  (because my tests say that i have skills for administration, but it's not something i should do because i hate it.)  i want to invest into something that brings me life as i bring people to Christ!!  so what would that be??? orphanage?  school?  a cafe?  foster parenting?  adopting?  teaching?  throwing parties all the time?  game nights at my house?  these are all things that i think of and smile about... totally excited!!!  Lord... lead me... i want to obey, have hope, do it with joy and do it for a long time!!!  grow me into the woman you want me to be!!!  after this year, Lord willing i will be done with my program and i pray that you will lead me into my next steps... whether it be overseas teaching... or here opening my house to those that need one... or in the city with under privilege children...  or somewhere totally new with something only God can put together... or maybe God has plans for me at World Relief... whatever it may be... i want to reflect Him in all i do with joy and excitement!!  i don't want to hate what i do or have this dream that i never get to try... right??  life's too short for that.

a picture to remind you to be praying for us!!

being a "big girl" mom

my daughter graduated from kindergarten today.  she has gone from not knowing how to read, write or do simple math to starting to read, writing her own stories (loves to draw pictures to go with it), and is doing adding, subtracting and simple multiplication problems (today she did 3x3).  she grew a ton and is the most beautiful girl in the world... inside and out.

A's teacher read eric carle's "a house for hermit crab" today and explained to the kids how they need to move on and have grown so much.  ugh... i know how true that is and i know it's a good thing.  i read a book about being a "big girl" mom and being a "big girl" as our children transition through normal phases of life.  i am okay with the whole thing, but it does bring new perspective into my life and... well she's growing up.  my baby who finally rolled over after a week of going half way and landing back on her back... my toddler who said, "pick you up" with her arms up toward you when she wanted to be lifted up... my 2 year old who sat at the chicago airport crying and telling me to go back to jakarta to get daddy... my little girl who told me, "mommy, God told me we should move back to indonesia"... my girl who read me a book before she went to bed...  my daughter who rubs my back when i tell her i'm tired, just like she likes it (i secretly love it too)...  mmm... i'm really lucky to have such a wonderful girl!!  and i'm so blessed at how God has grown her this year and look forward to seeing what God has in store for her... but it's a bitter sweet moment for me...

so from a half day kindergarten class... my daughter will be going to a full day first grade, lunch eating student... (deep breath)... i love this girl!!!

A's first day of school

A's last day of school

A and her teacher

balance...

Where I belong...


Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

Where I belong, where I belong
Where I belong, where I belong


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he32vwlKQPY&ob=av2n


this is a song that i had heard a while back and had taken notice desiring to live with that mindset, but today our music pastor sang it during offering and it hit home.  i have been wrestling with balancing hope and obedience.  as you guys know from my past posts, i have been letting go, letting loose and releasing things that i have been holding on to with a strong grip.  as i do this in obedience, i know that i still need to hold on to hope... loosely, as i have mentioned before.  so balancing hope in the midst of continued obedience because i believe in God's character... He is faithful and good... He is The Lord who is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion (Numbers 14:18).... He is true to His word and He has plans for us...  Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago (Isaiah 25:1).  i choose to trust, obey and continue to have hope.  in isaiah 26 it states: "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal."  as the Lord has been speaking to me on this issue, i found these verses so reassuring.  He has been showing me verse after verse on showing me who He is and what i need to do.  in psalm 84: 11-12, it says, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.  O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you."


going back to the song... the thing about obeying is that we do it because our life is not here... it's in the eternal and this is not where i belong... this is temporary... i have said this a lot... but it's true... so if i hold on to my plans, my desires, my comforts... then i'm only looking for pleasures in this temporary world... when it's just temporary ...  letting go for the eternal... if you go to...  www.bethelcommunity.org (bethel pm podcast) our pastor RB is currently doing a sermon series called, "Jesus behind closed doors"... the one for tonight is awesome and hits the topic of what i have been wrestling with and the song and much more... he's good!!!  


let's live a balanced life of hope and obedience remembering that this life is temporary and we need to be living for the eternal.  this is not our home... so don't get comfortable!!

going to listen

the Lord is good...  i decided to listen and follow God.  to explain i have to go back a little bit, but not a lot since my blog about "idols" explained a lot.  i decided to take my hands off my ears and listen to what God has been trying to tell me for a while.

when i was applying for grad school, i was in communication with the head of the department and during our discussion, she told me that instead of going the mental health counseling (MHC) route, she thought i should go the counseling ministries route.  in research, i found out the MHC route gave me a license after graduation and the counseling ministries route gave me ministry skills of counseling, but not the state qualifications of a licensed counselor, therefore leaning me toward MHC.  as i started my first semester, my friend and i began praying about whether we should continue with the MHC route because it wasn't really fitting with what we saw we were going to do in the future, which was ministry whether in the states or overseas.  the whole semester, she and i would discuss how we really wanted more spiritual stuff and not the psychology that was being taught.  we wanted to know how to apply it to ministry, but the licensing route really didn't fulfill that.  in the end, she went the counseling ministry route and i stuck with MHC because it gave me security after i was done.  i would have a license.  that to me was the responsible thing to do as a single mom.

this goes again to the blog about "idols"... i was worshipping security, comfort, my desire to be married... saying no to God or at least limiting God by saying that i wasn't going to go overseas alone again, so if i didn't find someone, i needed security of a good job.  all the while, my professors saw it, my friends saw and i heard it, but put my hands over my ears.  i wasn't going to use this for clinical practice, God was going to use this in ministry.

like i said before this semester was a pretty emotionally draining semester in many levels... and letting go of this strong grip i had of wanting things my way... was one of the hardest!!  these past couple weeks, God has been working in my heart to slowly let go of that grip and give Him back the total control of my life.  one action step in letting go was to change my master's program from MHC to counseling ministries.  i'm not in this for security or comfort or money at the end of my program, i'm it to use what i have for the glory of God...  that's what brings me joy.  this changes a lot of my plans...  but deciding to again to live one day at a time, hearing God's voice... because no matter what i plan, if the Lord does not ordain it, it's not going to happen... so i will hold on to my plans loosely (no more strong stubborn grips) and eagerly see what God does.

this is a side note, but one thing i realized was how much i enjoyed being overseas... it brought me utter joy and people saw that in me, but also continue to see it in me.  like i said before... one compliment i got was that i was a life giver... and i want to do that for others... and that could only happen in Christ!!!

there are a few confirmations of this decision, but one is my advisor.  when i went in to discuss this with my advisor i was a little nervous thinking he was going to try to sway me to stay with this program.  so i prayed that God would lead the discussion and that my advisor could really help me sort through this.  it was amazing how he affirmed me in who he saw me to be and how he thought it would be a better fit for me because he could see how counseling is in the peripheral for me and ministry is where my heart is.  he was so good with his questions... i really appreciated him.  afterward i was talking to one of my friends and she was talking about how the professors are really ones to push for MHC and not counseling ministries... hearing that i knew God was in this.  then i remembered how the head of the department was telling me that counseling ministries would better fit me from the beginning.

something else God reminded me of is that i have my teaching certificate.  if i ever need something to fall back on then i have that and He showed me how much He loved me by putting the bill in play and letting it pass so teachers like me who have let their certificate lapse over the years, could get it renewed with no penalty... all needs to happen by september of this year.  i already did it!!  so if i ever need to go back to the work force, then i have my teaching certificate to get me a job... and teaching floats my boat!!!

praise God, i have not wasted any classes, except one.  all my classes transfer over and Lord willing i will be done with my program next year!!

currently i am praying about an opportunity that was given to me for the summer.  it is really a good option for me in a number of different ways.  so please be praying for me for that!!  realizing when God moves, He moves in all areas of your life!!

so i decided to listen... let's see what happens together!

**my parents are in town... we have been really enjoying it.  here are some pictures.**

**good night everyone!!  enjoy the rain.  i'm on my balcony and love the smell of the rain falling.  better go in before it starts to really pour down.**

idols

thou shalt have no other gods before me.  thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.  thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.  the first three commandments.  it's totally old school language, but it's all about making God first.  these are the commandments that i have been living against in my life these past months...


this is how i describe it... you know how kids intentionally ignore you when you are trying to tell them something.  you know they hear you, but they just keep doing what they are doing with their backs turned toward you.  you know how sometimes you are some place and it's time to go and your kids put their heel down...


well that has been me.  God has been speaking to me about a few different things in my life and i have been doing all of the above.  i am embarrassed to say it, but it's so true and i like to be vulnerable, so here i go...


1.  Since last semester, I have been wrestling with what program I should be in, Mental Health Counseling (which I am currently in) and Counseling Ministries.  MHC is the one that gives me a license afterward and I thought I should go that way because ... well I wasn't going to go overseas by myself again, so if I am alone in the end, I need a job and that was the secure way to go.  All in the mean time, I heard God tell me not to worry about money, job, security (the idols I made in my heart)... I wasn't even going to consider going overseas by myself, so I needed a plan.  That's why I stuck with MHC this semester.  

2.  As you could hear in 1, I really do desire having a husband and daddy for A, hence not wanting to go overseas alone.  Since P and I had such a great relationship, I couldn't imagine not having another one.  That too, I felt like became an idol to me.  God was gently telling me that He had everything under control and wanted me to trust Him, and I put my heels deep into the ground and told Him I wasn't going to do anything except live here unless I got what I wanted.  And therefore ignored His voice.

3.  I was in 2 different class this semester and I knew that God was planting a seed in my heart, but didn't know what it meant.  The first one was in my psychopathology class.  We were talking about the different disorders and the causes of them as well as how we need to help them.  My heart became so heavy with the burden of these people who do not have hope in Christ.  The other one was in my skills class and again talking about how to help our future clients and stuff... I asked a question about sharing the gospel and just kept probing her on how and when it would be appropriate and she flat out said, "E if that's what you want to do, you're in the wrong program."  I had been forgetting... and making the comforts of the states an idol.

4.  In my reflections of the year here, I realized how much joy I felt when I was in Indonesia and how much life it gave me.  I have been very discontent with the complacency in the states and hated the fact that I was conforming to it a little bit.  I've always prayed that I would not get comfortable here and to always have a sense of urgency.  The comforts of the states started to be my idol.


the thing is this... i have felt so lost this semester because of the way i have been putting my hands over my ears and digging my heels deep into the ground.  the Lord has been clearly, but ever so gently bringing me back to where He wants me... in His will.   it has been a painful process, lots of tears and hopes deferred, but in the midst of all the pain, God has shown Himself good and faithful.  i will continue to trust in the character of God that i have seen and experienced in my life.  whether it is alone or with a husband... whether it is with a job in the states or going overseas... whether it is living in a hut or in a condo in the states... whatever it may be... i will trust and follow my God.... i will only look to Him... i will not waver for He knows and has already taken care of the desires of my heart!!  


please pray for me as i break these idols that i have built in my heart.  pray for me as i make changes to follow the will of my Father.  i want to have a good balance of having the desires of my heart and holding onto things loosely.  i want to abide in Christ and obey His every word as long as i have breath on this earth.  being lost this semester was one of the worst feelings in this world... probably even more than losing P... after P died, i knew still that God had a plan for me... this semester because i didn't want to hear it, i didn't know what was going to happen and that's what was scary...  but this is the thing...


1. i can't change who God has made me to be because i think it could be intimidating for guys that may possibly be interested in me.  God has made me the way i am and in the situation i'm in for His glory and just like P found me to be the cutest most wonderful person in the world, someone out there will see me as me and love me for me!!  some say that my situation, being a single mom, is a burden, but let me tell you... i am not going to believe that lie anymore and will not live as that lie is a part of me, no matter who does what or says what... A and i are the best thing that could happen to anyone, so let it be known... we are not a burden and A is not baggage!!!


2. i can't and won't go in a direction looking for security or comfort.  there are no such things as security and comfort unless i am in the will of God.  and security is not with money or material things like so many believe it to be... i would rather live in a hut eating bugs experiencing the joys that i could only feel by being in the will of God than be here experiencing manmade comfort trying to avoid any form of suffering making myself far from what God has for me.

3. i can't and won't keep closing my ears and digging my heels to the ground acting like a child throwing a tantrum.  as a parent i get a glimpse of what that feels like... you just think, "come on kid,  i know what's best for you... go to bed early so you could have a good day tomorrow..."  you know... God knows what's best for me... and sometimes it doesn't feel like He's really doing it the way i asked or wanted... i know as i'm only an earthly parent,  how i wish my daughter would listen to me sometimes... how much more a heavenly Father who knows all things would desire His daughter to listen to Him.  i will trust Him, listen to Him and obey Him.

there have been some things in life that you could get a glimpse of more by experiencing it... that is when you get married and when you have kids...  marriage is a picture of Jesus the bridegroom and His church the bride and when you get married... that is a picture of just that...  and having children is a small picture of how God feels about us and His heart for us... i have to say that these two experiences in my life have seriously helped me to see life differently, especially my relationship with God.

this has turned out to be a long blog... but as i have just finished my first year of grad school and especially this hard semester and seeing how much God has shown me, i wanted to share what's in my heart as a result of this year!!

tomorrow is my first day of freedom... my parents are here... i don't know if anyone knows this feeling, but i am so glad for a while i will be taken care of.  one of the things this semester the Lord has spoken to me was that i don't have to be strong.  it feels good to be able to  ask your mom and dad for help... be able to sit and have your mom make you food... sit next to your dad on the balcony and enjoy the view... i am going to rest for a while before summer school starts.  thank you Lord for parents.

good night.