1460

1460 days equals four years.  i told A that we were going on vacation to celebrate God's goodness to us through these four years since daddy's been gone.  this morning as soon as she woke up, she ran to my room and yelled, "wisconsin dells".  she has heard about this place so much from others that she was totally psyched to come.  we left mid  morning and drove here.

during our drive, A watched movies, colored and listened to stories on the ipod...  while she was doing that, i found myself crying.  for some reason i kept remembering P's last words to me on the phone before he went on the ventilator.... "I'm doing this so I could come home sooner..."  it was so vivid... AB's phone call came at around 11 and i called for my helper to watch A as i went into the study to hear what was going on at the hospital.  AB explained what the doctors had said and then put P on the phone so we could talk before they sedated him for the ventilator.  i cried our whole conversation... i wish i was stronger... this was his first time in the hospital so far away from the known medical system and it involved some serious procedures... all i did was cry and instead of me saying things to get him through what he was probably scared of, he was on the other end telling me everything was going to be okay and he would be home soon... that we would be going back to the states soon... this had to be done so he could get better soon and be with his girls that he had to be away from for a month already.

sometimes you just wish you knew what was going to happen so you don't regret anything... on my drive i remembered going to the store to pick up some pj pants for P to be in while he was in the hospital since i knew they don't give you anything to wear.  i wished today that i didn't waste time doing that and spent more time next to his bed and let him listen to my voice a little more before going.

1460 days... sounds so long and i find myself feeling like it's been centuries since this happened, yet 4 years doesn't sound so long... and i find myself feeling like it has only been 4 years.  so many things can go through your head as you reflect, remember and refresh your body on a day that brings so much emotion...  today is a memory of a horrific tragic day for me... yet i also am thankful at how God has brought me to where I am.

we got to the dells a little past lunch and rested a little before heading to the water park connected to our hotel.  it was so crowded, but we had so much fun!!  i love A's age.  she's now tall enough to do so much and is so brave that i can do so much more with her.  we laughed a lot as we went on  the awesome water slides and talked about how it made us feel (A said she had butterflies in her tummy on some of the rides).  we relaxed on the lazy river...  there were times where we talked about missing daddy and indonesia, but it was all good in the midst of the fun we were having.  i told her that i liked having fun today because daddy was a fun guy and he loved doing fun things with us... so he's probably really glad we are enjoying ourselves!!

we didn't get to our hotel until really close to 10 tonight... we went to eat and then went around for a while...  A fell right to sleep... and i am spending some time reflecting as i blog...

this is a picture i wanted to share.  on wednesday as i was sleeping, A asked if she could watch a veggie tales, i told her she could and then before i know it, she brings me this picture.  she was going to stay with her auntie B because i had to go to my internship orientation and she wanted to make something for her aunt so she went to the extras on the DVD and did the "how to draw" section and drew and colored this for auntie B as a thank you for taking care of her.  i don't know about you, but i think for a 6 year old this is pretty darn good considering it was free hand by following the directions.  as i look at this, i know that she is her daddy's daughter.  i can draw a little bit, but nothing like this.  i am amazed by her.

as i think about what this day means to me... all i can say is that it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day... if i could avoid ever experiencing a day like that again, i would.  BUT... this day also means the journey into the abyss that was overcome by light as i let my Father lead me through it.  it's this crazy balance dance... as i said before i do this balancing act between hope and obedience... this crazy balance dance is mourning and grieving, but also rejoicing and being thankful.  

i am exhausted by all that this day brings to me.  off to bed i go.  

i am so thankful for prayers, texts, e-mails and fb messages from many.  grateful for all of you and please continue to pray for us.  we are here til tuesday.  

God is good... all the time!