Life

tonight our friends J&K had their 3rd child overseas. even though i know our friends are sad of the lose of a life, the Lord blesses them also with a beautiful new life. praise Him for the new little girl.

love you guys. wish i was there with you to see her. will be praying for you!!!

Date

today is the day that P, A and I were going to come back to the states for a few months. the week he past away, we were supposed to get tickets for this date to come and be with everyone. as i think of how i got here i still can't believe it and it's so sad that he's not here with me.

A has bronchitis and is taking an antibiotic for it. it was kind of hard taking her into the doctor by myself. tomorrow we go back to the dr to make sure she's getting better. please pray that she's reacting to the medicine.

got an e-mail today. i started crying... please pray as there is someone that has been sick for 3 weeks and now in ICU overseas. please pray hard!!!

that's it for today, but please lift that person up!!! us too! thanks.

watching a movie

i was with some friends the other day and a friend mentioned how life these days sometimes seemed like it was moving like a movie, you're just watching it go by. you sit there and see everything going on and you're there, but really not. not exactly the friend's words, but something to that effect. i knew exactly what he was talking about. that was so true for me too. i'm there with people or at a place or whatever and things happen and it just seems so surreal. i still am not at the point where i could every moment know P is gone. i'll be playing with A in a room and sometimes find myself waiting for P to just walk through the door. or i'll be going to bed and think that he's in the other room doing something and he'll come into bed later. it's already been a month and a half and some days i just can't believe it. i don't think it's true. even though i know it's true, not sure why i still think it's not true? i guess that's just part of the process.

been reading some... the bible of course, but also this book i got from a friend about grieving when you loose a spouse young. it's been good. i'm reading through all the things that will happen in my process and some of them i don't even want to face, others i'm in denial of ever going through and some i think have already come and gone. weird huh? i've been enjoying psalms lately and read psalm 116 almost everyday. P engraved psalm 139 on my wedding ring... so i read that often too. the other day i started isaiah. P and i were reading two chapters a day while he was away for a month taking the class. we never finished it, but i wanted to read through it. maybe in a way to fulfill what we promised, but also just wanting to read it... looking for pictures i could keep in my heart... especially of Jesus.

i feel a little absent minded lately. i'll start something and forget and move on to the other. i'll start calling someone and forget who i was calling. i'll go to an area of the house looking for something and just come back to my room not even remembering that i was looking for something.

sometimes i feel sad... especially when A does something cute... i just want to yell, "P did you see that?" then realize that he's not there. or i have to talk about something that only i would talk to him about and he's not there... then i get frustrated talking to the air... he's not even there to listen and i'm talking to him. crazy!!!

BUT i always remind myself God is good. i tell A that all the time... God is good. no matter what life may bring us, He is good.

thanks for still praying for us, reading about us, sending cards and e-mails, being friends with me on facebook and calling. it's very encouraging and prayer has been what keeps us breathing everyday.

Culture Shock 2

Food portions. Woah that's another thing that is really different here. We noticed it when we went overseas. We would order something and then had to order another plate because it wasn't enough for us. We got used it after a while. I order food here and there is so much food on the plate. So that's something else I noticed.

People. A and I took a walk to the BIG park in our neighborhood. I couldn't believe there were no people outside. Where we used to live, we would have met 100s of people on the way, talking, saying hi, getting treats... but here, there was no one out and the one person we saw didn't even want to say hi. It was just different. Some people may think it's nice, actually I think I thought it was nice before, but now it's little lonely walking down such streets.

Those were just two things I thought of. There may be more.

I just put pictures on the facebook. Please check them out.

Culture Shock

Many have said that there will be reverse culture shock when I got back to the states. I’ve been feeling it now and then. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I just have to leave a place, but with everything that’s going on, I’m kind of dealing with whatever emotion is stronger.

I just wanted to write a little about my culture shock coming back to the states.

Where we were overseas, people talk really quietly, almost a whisper. We had to ask them to repeat what they say, not because we couldn’t understand them, but because we couldn’t hear them. In our bedroom, we could hear our neighbors taking a bath, so imagine us having a conversation. We know they could hear everything. When A was little, our neighbors would ask us what was wrong with A the night before if she cried or they would ask why she was laughing so hard. Saying that, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by how loudly people talk here in the states. For people who know me, they may think it’s ironic because I was pretty loud too, but I was our volume control in our family overseas. If P got loud, I’d have to tell him to quiet down unless he wants the whole neighborhood to hear. The thing is, our neighbors would probably just think we were fighting if we were so loud.

Materialism is a value I think in both places, but I think more people could show off their materialism here. I went shopping with family about two weeks ago and I couldn’t believe the prices. It said they had a sale and still the prices were so high, at least compared to where we were. Of course if I needed it I got it, but it was pretty shocking. I usually enjoy shopping, but after 30 minutes I asked my family to go home. Then the other day I went with a friend to American Girl. I’ve heard of that place, but man is that the center of materialism. I couldn’t believe the prices on those dolls… some of them more than a month’s wage for our neighbors.

And the salon… what ever happened to kids doing their own dolls’ hair and putting make up on them. Different era I guess…

A is so used to the kids overseas. They are very communal so toys are shared, food is shared, drinks are shared, you always bring enough for everyone, or give it up for the white girl… so when we got here and A was playing with kids like at the library and she had that mentality, kids looked at her funny and made walls for her not to cross to keep their space. We have experienced this communal environment with friends here, but overseas you do that with even strangers, so I think A was going through culture shock too because the kids were telling her that it was their space and stuff… poor girl.

Clothes are another culture shocker. People overseas like “western” clothes too and some wear western style clothes, but most women where we lived wore long pants/skirt, long shirt covering arms and bottoms and a head covering. I remember having conversations about modesty with P. I never really understood, but after being in such an environment and coming back here, I could see the contrast of it all. I read in the Bible about modesty for women… something about earrings… just was looking for it… can’t find it, but anyway… I really feel convicted of dressing modestly, now more than ever. I have to admit it’s hard when all they sell are those kinds of clothes. Like the other day I went to buy jeans, all they had were ultralow jeans and I’ve been looking for tanks that come up to my collarbone… can’t find it… anyway when I look at women and see what they are showing, sometimes I find myself having to look away and I think woah, then check myself.

Another culture shock for me that keeps coming out at me is all the advertisements on the highways with women in bikinis or nothing with arms around them with a phone number or address. I just couldn’t believe it. I know they were here before I left, but man it just hits you in a different way after being away. I couldn’t believe how immune we are to it and it’s nothing to so many when it’s SIN hanging all over the city… all over the world. How are we protecting our kids from that when it’s all over??? I am by no means saying there is no sin of that nature where we were, but it was not plastered all over for anyone and everyone to see. Hidden or shown, sin is sin, but I just felt like it’s easier when you’re advertising it on the highway.

There is much much more, but these are pretty much the big ones. I am really trying to keep an open mind, but I think it’ll take time to get used to all this again too. A and I are processing a lot. I mean along with the grieving… trying to balance our cultures and everything that’s happened over these months and years.

Thanks for reading. I would like to apologize if I have offended anyone by any comment. It is not to any one person, again these are just reactions to my reverse culture shock.

Remembering

I'm not sure if this is part of dealing with death or if it's just me or whatever. I've been praying God give me good memories of P. It's been hard to think of P and not think of the last month that he was at school, let alone the last few days with him. So when I think of him, I get discouraged because those are the thoughts that come up and it's hard.
So I prayed that the Lord will give good memories. But instead I got this idea to write down all the things that came into mind when I wanted to think of him. I think the Lord is guiding me through this... I mean what crazy person would want to write down every detail they could remember of the last month with their husband that passed?
In the past few days that is exactly what I did. I journaled everything I remembered of the last month... It filled up 7 pages, typed. From the moment he left for school til the day he went to be with the Lord. As hard as it was, through times of having to stop to cry and remembering I feel a little better. I feel like there is some kind of closure to that month. There is still so much more of that month... plus the days that followed... but that could come at a later time. I'm really thankful the Lord helped me to go through those memories and deal with them, as hard as it was.
Please pray for me as sometimes I think even the enemy could use memories to hold a person back. Please pray that I will always rely on Jesus... no matter what the enemy brings... even death.

For who you are

For who you are

Standing here In your presence
Thinking of the good things you have done~
Waiting here, Patiently Just to hear the still small voice again

Holy righteous Faithful til the end
Savior healer Redeemer and friend

I will worship you for who you are
I will worship you for who you are
I will worship you for who you are
Jesus

My soul secure
Your promise sure
Your love endures
Always

Tonight I went to evening church called Encounter at my church. The whole ride there was kind of stressful with Anna not wanting to go to church because then she would have to be away from me. The thing is she has lots of fun with the kids, but just the initial separation makes her a little anxious.

The message was great. Hard, but extremely good and I want to publicly tell our pastor what a great job he is doing.

Actually I think it's extremely amazing how personal the messages are, but I don't think it was intended for just me. Like the morning service is doing a series on worship... the first Sunday I went the series began and I had just finished reading one of P's last journals and all he wrote about was worship. I thought... wow... God you are really speaking to me.

Anyway... on the way home from church I was listening to Hillsong (the song above) and cried worshipping. What an amazing song. The chorus I sang with all my heart... wanting to do more than even that. He is good and I just pray as some days may be darker and harder, I could continue to worship Him for who He is...

The messages I heard yesterday, was really good and I also pray that I could always be that hungry for the word.

I feel like my thoughts are all over the place, but hopefully I make sense.

friends

A and i are living with a great couple from our fellowship. also in the house is a single girl from our fellowship. she's my age (R) and is a teacher here in our city. anyway the other night, the three of us, R, A and i went shopping. on the way home from shopping, A started to talk about her daddy. in the midst of that discussion, R mentioned that her daddy was in heaven too. we talked about how they were friends up there and that maybe they were playing together. her eyes lit up in a different way. i think it made her feel better that someone else's daddy was also there.

then this morning A woke up and came to my room. she said, "daddy in heaven.... (pause) R daddy in heaven too." i was so proud that she was understanding all that.

she is definitely talking more about him and wanting to see pictures and stuff. there is a picture she has for when she sits in her car seat.

please keep praying for us as we process...

enough

the other day i was driving and heard chris tomlin's enough on the radio and cried. Jesus is really enough for me, all i really need is Him, but at the same time i just cried wanting P to be there listening to the song with me on the radio... what a privilege to have christian radio. sometimes i think that's not being a good christian... thinking maybe my faith is too small still.
today i was looking for P's memory verse cards and i found a small zip lock bag half full of mustard seeds. P used to keep that on his desk next to the map of our neighborhood. i remember us talking about how faith only needs to be as big as a mustard seed and we could move mountains. as i thought of that and the little faith i feel i have right now... i thought, everyday is like moving mountains... missing P, answering A's questions of where daddy is and listening to her desire of wanting him back, trying to live a normal life while thinking how it would be so much better if he was here and so much more... i just pray that i could grow through all of this... seems impossible at times, but nothing is impossible with Jesus huh?

yesterday A and i went to memory park to take care of some things and played there for a little bit. couldn't believe it is only a month, but at the same time it seems like a decade. then i thought, one day i'm going to wake up and it's going to have been a year. we thought this while we were overseas, but it's so real now too, how life just moves on... and it'll just keep going.. and some day we all will go a day, then two, then three days without thinking about P (at least that's what a book said).

today A and i had a mommy A day. in the morning we just stayed at home and cleaned our rooms and stuff and played... then after nap we went to the pool and played. it was so much fun. at first she was a little timid with all the cool water stuff (slide, sprinklers, kids), but then we got into it and it was so much fun. then we went out for a little dq and headed for the library. she takes after her daddy in her love for books. i never really enjoyed reading until later in my life, but P loved books and always had one to read (usually his Bible) wherever he went.

thanks for all of you who keep up with us through this blog. i'll try to keep it updated.

security

i have been thinking for a while how much A needs me now. how she's probably scared about me leaving her and being anxious when i'm not around. i think about how she's probably processing so much without even being able to explain herself. then today it hit me. i am scared too. the Lord has definite plans that we do not understand let alone know and i just thought that sometimes i find myself scared thinking what if the Lord takes A away too. i think A and i are both going through some security issues. i always thought that i'm the one that she needs, but i definitely need her too. so i just wanted everyone to pray for that. as we adjust and process and grieve, pray that we could find security within each other, but also in the Lord and have peace in the many unknowns in life.

already a month

i can't believe that tomorrow when i awake, P will have been gone a month. it doesn't even feel like a month and i don't know if anyone else is thinking days. these past two days have been the hardest so far and i know that there will be more in the future.

tonight i was faced with A in a series of things she is processing... what started out with her wanting her bike that we left behind at our house, ended with her saying, "i want my daddy" with her eyes filling up with tears. wow... what do you say to that? i wished there was a manual i could read to know what i should say. instead i just held her and we both cried. i asked if she missed daddy and she said yes... i told her i missed him too. i told her it was okay to cry and miss daddy. we then looked at pictures of her and daddy which seem to lift her spirits. then i went through our bedtime routine. as i was putting her to bed, i prayed the Lord will give me the right words to say to her. then a song came to mind. there are songs that P and i sang to her, but one song was something he only sang to her. so i sang that and she smiled and said, "daddy sing that for A". i was so glad that she remembered it was daddy's song. and with a smile A fell asleep.

i know again there will be hard days, maybe even harder than tonight, but i know just as the Lord gave me the right song to sing tonight, He will lead A and i in the path that we need to go. i know He is good and that's all i could trust... His goodness.

please continue to pray as A and i faces days, weeks, months and maybe even years of processing this. pray that A will have peace as well as understanding in all these things that is hard for a 2 year old to understand. pray that i will have wisdom at the right times for the both of us.

thank you all so much for praying and sending cards and calling. it's been a blessing!!!

facebook

just put some pictures on the facebook if anyone wants to check.

Daddy

Today A and I had a pretty relaxing day. It seemed like it was the first morning that it was just me and her so that was great. We didn't do much, but I am so glad that we had that and pray for more of those times where she could feel secure.

Today we went to my family's house and on the drive there we passed a cemetery and A from the backseat says, "mommy that a memory park". I was so impressed... that's what we call the cemetery P is at. It wasn't that one, but that she saw it and could tell it was something similar. I told her that was for other people to remember and that ours is special because we remember daddy. We kind of went back and forth talking about P, she was remembering some things about him, which is an answered prayer. In the midst of that I asked if she missed daddy and she said, "A want my daddy." Wow... it was so hard to hear that, but at the same time I was so proud that she could say that. We talked about missing daddy and how it's okay and we could talk about him and look at pictures. I told her that everything that happens is good because God is in control. Again went back to talking about how daddy is with Jesus and we could see him later if we believe in Jesus. Please continue to pray as a little one is processing all this in the midst of seeing her mommy cry and miss daddy too.

Some people have asked me to post the letter that was read in the services from me to P. So here you go...

Hey baby…

I was just lying in bed after sleeping for three hours of all the things I want to say to you hoping that I could fall back asleep, but instead here I am sitting in J and K’s front room trying to type all the words that were floating in my head. Yet as I sit here with the screen in front of me, I just find myself picking my lip thinking, knowing that if you were here you would ask, “What are you thinking about?”.

I love you. I miss you so incredibly much. Today I really missed you when I realized I had so many things to tell you, but you weren’t here, I couldn’t just pick up a cell phone to tell you everything. So let me tell you now.

After the doctor told me you were gone, I went to say good bye to you with A. I usually am so terrified with people who have passed away, but you were so not foreign to me. I just wanted to keep holding your hand and not let go. I kneeled by the side of your bed and just held your hand, looking at you, stroking your forehead and kissing you. I said some things to you, but the one thing I know that you would probably want to hear was me singing to you. And so in between lots of pauses I sang to you “Blessed be the Name of the Lord” because you really enjoyed that song and I knew every word of the song was true, even though I wasn’t really feeling it at the time, I knew it was true.

That night so many people came to be with me because of how much they love you. People from school, our fellowship, friends… they all ran as soon as they heard and by the time I had to leave to rest, there were about thirty people gathered trying to do as much as they could for me. And then you know A, he just put them right to work. I had thought I wanted to do a service, but didn’t know what it would look like and when A asked me about it I just told him that I wanted to do it in the room Rumah Duka the next morning. So everyone there got involved in putting the service together.

I didn’t get any sleep that night just thinking and I wish I could tell you all I was thinking, but all I could remember is K and I talking and crying in between drifting off and then K singing to me once in a while. I remember telling K that I was too young to be a widow and we cried again.

The hardest part was the next morning when A woke up and asked where you were and trying to keep it together because I didn’t want to tell her until after your service. I remember, in the fuzzy sleepy stage I am in now, asking K to watch A and going into the room crying. I just laid there on the floor crying wondering if I could make it, but at the same time just hearing God’s voice telling me I’m going to okay.

Your service was beautiful and I want to tell you how our fellowship just jumped up and took over. They all took care of everything. You know like they all just jumped up when we told them about our English Center idea. So when I walked up to the service, there were beautiful flowers and candles and so many people. I couldn’t believe how many people there were. Then I got a little scared as I was shaking our neighbors’ hands because I thought they would leave after seeing me, but I wanted them to stay and hear the message, so I prayed that they would stay and they did.

Pak F was the MC and many people told the gospel on your behalf… people like Kok Y, Pak B, J, A. Honey as I sat there looking at your passport picture blown up, I kind of wished you would just get up and show us God’s miracle, but that wasn’t in God’s plan. But what was in God’s plan was our neighbors being able to hear the gospel at least four different times in four different ways. And so many people, including the people that are going to hear this letter, prayed for the Lord’s spirit to be ever so present at the service. Honey, for some reason, God decided to choose this way to tell our neighbors about Himself. I don’t know why, but he did and I am so proud that He chose you as an example to our neighbors because I don’t think there would have been a better example.

I shook at least 100 people’s hands, kissed many cheeks and hugged a lot of people, but I prayed the Lord would give me words to say to certain people… words that I know you would have wanted to say. The one person that really came to mind was J. As he came up to me, I couldn’t help but hold him in my arms and just tell him how proud you were of him in how much he had grown in his faith in such a short time. I told him that you loved him so much and was really, really sad that you missed his baptism. I am so proud of the way you came along side him and helped him grow. Answering his every text message of questions he had of the verse he had just read. You were good to him and forever will have a footprint in his life. Another person that came up was Kok Y. I really wanted to extend my appreciation for all that he had done for us and was doing even til tomorrow when we get on the plane. When I told him how much you respected him and was always encouraged by his messages, he said something to me that made me break down. Kok Y said that he and the guys were still praying about the English Center and would send me e-mail updates. We got our prayers answered. Remember how we prayed that we could encourage our small group to look outward, this is it honey. Even if the English Center doesn’t happen, that too is God’s will, but look how we prayed and God used two little people like you and me.

After the service and after I had said good-bye to everyone, I went to see you for the last time until I went to the states and started to laugh. First off, I couldn’t believe no one asked me for a picture of you. I didn’t know they needed a picture and they put your passport picture on there. Then because all your clothes were in the laundry the only outfit I had was your jeans and polo shirt you wear on our dates. The funny thing with that was they tucked in your shirt and buttoned it up to the top. I told them they had to take it out for the states because other people would laugh too. The other thing I laughed about were the white gloves they put on your hands. You just looked so silly. The highlight was that because you were so tall they had to get an extra long coffin, but they picked one for a vampire. As I pointed out each one, everyone laughed with me. We had fun on your behalf and knew that you would be laughing too.

Then, I came back to J and K’s house to rest. After our nap, I took Anna out to the swings and told her about you. I had been praying that the Lord will give me words to tell her and this is what I said, “A, mommy has something really important to tell you. Remember how daddy went to Jakarta to go to school, well he got really sick while he was there and so when he came home he had to go to the doctor. All the doctors tried to help daddy, but God thought it would be best to have daddy go to heaven where daddy didn’t have to feel sick anymore. So daddy now is in heaven and God is taking care of daddy. We can’t see daddy anymore, but we will one day see him in heaven if you believe in Jesus. So until then, we could look at pictures and videos.” After she had a moment, she finally asked where heaven was, so I showed the sky and explained as best as I could. I think she understood honey… because the next morning, which is today, she woke up asking where heaven is. She’s thinking about you honey… and I know that she misses you and loves you so much.

Today I had to go to the house to pack up. We talked about doing that together in a month when we were going to be on our way to the states together, so it made it really hard for me that I was walking up our gang, GG Abah Murta, without you for the last time. Lots of neighbors followed us in to say good-bye and the one thing that sticks out to me was Ibu L who said that from the front of Dago Pojok til the end people were all talking about what a good guy you were, how you would take walks with A to give me a break, and how you would just talk to them. I was again so proud to hear what an impact you had in their lives. Honey you did a good job.

It was really hard for me to put things away and I hope that I didn’t forget anything. Friends were always there, especially K and even J, who got on a plane as soon as I asked. I tried to keep everything I think would be good memories, but forgive me if I didn’t.

Tonight was absolutely great. I was reminded of the time a few months back when I found you crying in the living room. When I asked why you were crying, you said that you had been writing a letter to me just in case something happened to you. I remember us holding each other crying that day and hoping that it would not happen, and have been learning in this past year that the Lord does not always give what we ask for, you know like how we had been praying for another baby for about a year. Yet there is always something better in His plan, I could see that now in many ways. I thank God for that day we got to mourn together, even though on that day we didn’t know this day would come.

The other thing that made tonight great was all the memories the Lord gave. I mean there was not a bad one. I even tried so I could be sad, but all I could think of were the times we laughed and wrestled and played and even if we did cry it was good because I was crying with you. I had so much fun with you!!! And K put it in the best words… “you guys were always like you were dating.”

So yeah, just to let you know I was able to call family tonight, actually last night, and be happy. R and I actually laughed a lot thinking of you together. One thing I thought was funny, maybe R doesn’t think it’s so funny, but he said how you would say the right thing at the right time when he needed you. I told him you always said the wrong thing at the wrong time. We laughed. It was great.

I just saw how long this was getting and could hear you say that there are some E-isms in my writing and laugh at me. But that’s okay, this is to you.

People keep telling me what a legacy you are leaving behind. I think the same. When I was tired and took naps, you kept going… going on walks, going to study, going to meet people, going to pray with people… going because you wanted to make the most of the time you had. All that I know is that it will bear fruit and I will continue to pray that all those seeds you planted would grow. You said that you didn’t believe in retirement in God’s work and you wanted to stay in Indonesia for as long as you live, so God granted what you asked for.

As I go back to the states, I think of all that will happen and kind of am overwhelmed. All the people, seeing you again, sadness, happiness… But I won’t worry because I know that if you were here you would tell me that I’m going to do a good job and that you are proud of me.

I just want to end with what you have taught me over the 5 years I’ve known you. You were really an image bearer of Christ. I really saw Christ in you every where and in every situation. You loved me for who I was and accepted all of who I was. You never once asked me to change anything, even when I asked you to please wear better clothes. P you were the one person that I had fun with all the time!!! Thanks for teaching me who Jesus really is through your life and how much you loved Him and His word. I mean I wasn’t surprised to find a bible in your cargo pants you wore to the hospital. That’s just you and I’m so proud to have had a husband like that!!! I would never ever want to exchange my five years with you for something else. It will be the best five years of my life!!!

So as I start my life as a single mom, I have one thing to ask you. Just as you prayed for us on this earth, please continue to pray for us in heaven. There are going to be some really tough days for both A and I in the future, so please do not cease to lift us up. I want to raise A to become the woman that we both wanted her to be. Loving the Lord, always on her knees like the A in Luke 2 and ever so wanting to tell people about Jesus, just like her daddy.

I love you P and I thank you for the life you lived.

See you when the Lord calls me.

Your E

P.S. I keep remembering the verse you and I used to run to when things got tough…

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

P with his little princess...







E and P enjoyed a little bit of freedom as friends babysit.





A woke up during the night, but for some reason I am awake. I think I could go back to sleep soon, but since I haven't checked mail, I thought I would do that, but thought I should put up some pictures. These are just pictures of P with his girls...

compelled to write

Nights have been a good time for me after A is in bed to read, think, talk with people, e-mail and read letters and journals from P. It's been a good time for me to be with people and grieve and cry and all that good stuff. So in reading his journal I ran across this entry. I am glad we talked about these things. He was good at putting things into words, but really good at making it into simple phrases, easy to memorize and follow. I hope this helps many of you who are also grieving as it has helped me.

May 14, 2006

"Esther and I talked as we were falling asleep last night about the possibility of being caught or tortured. I'm not a brave person and I'm definitely not tough to withstand torture. worse than thinking about something happening to me though, is thinking about my girls being without me or thinking about something happening to one of them. I couldn't take it. God, give us strength to follow you no matter what you bring into our lives.

living is a chance to follow Jesus...
suffering is a chance to know Him better...
and dying is a chance to see Him."

Being Home

Finally after much traveling and preparing and services and people, A and I are home. We are definitely enjoying our home and the family that have made it our home. Today we just stayed and were a family. People came and went, but the family is still here and soon that will be stability for A. That's what I've been praying for as we settle in now for a good while. I really want her to be able to understand that mommy is here and just let her feel secure. She's been doing great, but please continue to pray for her.

Last night I took A to her first fireworks show. It was so much fun as she had so many friends who wanted to play with her. I was really glad I took her. I had memories from going to the park with P and at times found myself thinking about that. I cried on my way home thinking about him and missing him (A was sleeping in the back seat).

It still seems a little unreal to me all that has happened in the past almost three weeks. I still find myself thinking that he'll be back as many have shared that they just think he's in SEA. So when it will become real, who knows, but I'm just praying that each day the Lord gives me strength. I want to say thank you for those close, family, friends and people I just met because of this event who say they are praying for me because I feel that without those prayers I wouldn't be able to have fun with A and just love her. There are times I find myself needing to cry, but even those times have been a blessing.

Tomorrow is church and I'm excited to go, but at the same time it's going to be hard. Praying for strength through that also.

Thank you to everyone who have been e-mailing and sending cards and phone calls for encouragement.

A verse that I thought of just now... Isaiah 26: 3-4... A verse P and I shared, but just came to mind.

What's next?

All the services are over and I'm heading home tomorrow. I've heard many ask what I'm going to do next and I have to say honestly I don't know. I feel like now is the start for me to grieve and I'm not even sure what that process looks like. It's kind of scary not knowing what's going to come and what it will look like, but I'm praying that the Lord give me strength in all that I go through. Another thing I'm scared of is P's legacy. I have been hearing story after story about P and I just pray that the glory will not go to P, but to the Father who made him be who he was. P was the best man I know, but really he was who he was because of the Lord. So I pray that as people remember him and think of him, they could see God in His life and not think P was this great guy on his own.

My next step is to go to Chicago and process. Many have been coming along side me to help me, so I will take my time in processing and healing all that has happened in these two weeks. I know it's going to be painful and good all at the same time, so please pray for me and family as we in our own places start our processes.

Yesterday for a friend's birthday we played touch football. I had so much fun with family and friends... laughing, running, laughing. At the end of the game I sobbed. I couldn't believe the fun I had without P and I thought of how much more fun it would have been with him there and I just cried wishing he was there and missing him. How many more days like that until it'll hurt less?

I'm really tired, but wanted to get some thoughts down before bed. Please continue to pray.