Some people have asked me to post the letter that was read in the services from me to P. So here you go...

Hey baby…

I was just lying in bed after sleeping for three hours of all the things I want to say to you hoping that I could fall back asleep, but instead here I am sitting in J and K’s front room trying to type all the words that were floating in my head. Yet as I sit here with the screen in front of me, I just find myself picking my lip thinking, knowing that if you were here you would ask, “What are you thinking about?”.

I love you. I miss you so incredibly much. Today I really missed you when I realized I had so many things to tell you, but you weren’t here, I couldn’t just pick up a cell phone to tell you everything. So let me tell you now.

After the doctor told me you were gone, I went to say good bye to you with A. I usually am so terrified with people who have passed away, but you were so not foreign to me. I just wanted to keep holding your hand and not let go. I kneeled by the side of your bed and just held your hand, looking at you, stroking your forehead and kissing you. I said some things to you, but the one thing I know that you would probably want to hear was me singing to you. And so in between lots of pauses I sang to you “Blessed be the Name of the Lord” because you really enjoyed that song and I knew every word of the song was true, even though I wasn’t really feeling it at the time, I knew it was true.

That night so many people came to be with me because of how much they love you. People from school, our fellowship, friends… they all ran as soon as they heard and by the time I had to leave to rest, there were about thirty people gathered trying to do as much as they could for me. And then you know A, he just put them right to work. I had thought I wanted to do a service, but didn’t know what it would look like and when A asked me about it I just told him that I wanted to do it in the room Rumah Duka the next morning. So everyone there got involved in putting the service together.

I didn’t get any sleep that night just thinking and I wish I could tell you all I was thinking, but all I could remember is K and I talking and crying in between drifting off and then K singing to me once in a while. I remember telling K that I was too young to be a widow and we cried again.

The hardest part was the next morning when A woke up and asked where you were and trying to keep it together because I didn’t want to tell her until after your service. I remember, in the fuzzy sleepy stage I am in now, asking K to watch A and going into the room crying. I just laid there on the floor crying wondering if I could make it, but at the same time just hearing God’s voice telling me I’m going to okay.

Your service was beautiful and I want to tell you how our fellowship just jumped up and took over. They all took care of everything. You know like they all just jumped up when we told them about our English Center idea. So when I walked up to the service, there were beautiful flowers and candles and so many people. I couldn’t believe how many people there were. Then I got a little scared as I was shaking our neighbors’ hands because I thought they would leave after seeing me, but I wanted them to stay and hear the message, so I prayed that they would stay and they did.

Pak F was the MC and many people told the gospel on your behalf… people like Kok Y, Pak B, J, A. Honey as I sat there looking at your passport picture blown up, I kind of wished you would just get up and show us God’s miracle, but that wasn’t in God’s plan. But what was in God’s plan was our neighbors being able to hear the gospel at least four different times in four different ways. And so many people, including the people that are going to hear this letter, prayed for the Lord’s spirit to be ever so present at the service. Honey, for some reason, God decided to choose this way to tell our neighbors about Himself. I don’t know why, but he did and I am so proud that He chose you as an example to our neighbors because I don’t think there would have been a better example.

I shook at least 100 people’s hands, kissed many cheeks and hugged a lot of people, but I prayed the Lord would give me words to say to certain people… words that I know you would have wanted to say. The one person that really came to mind was J. As he came up to me, I couldn’t help but hold him in my arms and just tell him how proud you were of him in how much he had grown in his faith in such a short time. I told him that you loved him so much and was really, really sad that you missed his baptism. I am so proud of the way you came along side him and helped him grow. Answering his every text message of questions he had of the verse he had just read. You were good to him and forever will have a footprint in his life. Another person that came up was Kok Y. I really wanted to extend my appreciation for all that he had done for us and was doing even til tomorrow when we get on the plane. When I told him how much you respected him and was always encouraged by his messages, he said something to me that made me break down. Kok Y said that he and the guys were still praying about the English Center and would send me e-mail updates. We got our prayers answered. Remember how we prayed that we could encourage our small group to look outward, this is it honey. Even if the English Center doesn’t happen, that too is God’s will, but look how we prayed and God used two little people like you and me.

After the service and after I had said good-bye to everyone, I went to see you for the last time until I went to the states and started to laugh. First off, I couldn’t believe no one asked me for a picture of you. I didn’t know they needed a picture and they put your passport picture on there. Then because all your clothes were in the laundry the only outfit I had was your jeans and polo shirt you wear on our dates. The funny thing with that was they tucked in your shirt and buttoned it up to the top. I told them they had to take it out for the states because other people would laugh too. The other thing I laughed about were the white gloves they put on your hands. You just looked so silly. The highlight was that because you were so tall they had to get an extra long coffin, but they picked one for a vampire. As I pointed out each one, everyone laughed with me. We had fun on your behalf and knew that you would be laughing too.

Then, I came back to J and K’s house to rest. After our nap, I took Anna out to the swings and told her about you. I had been praying that the Lord will give me words to tell her and this is what I said, “A, mommy has something really important to tell you. Remember how daddy went to Jakarta to go to school, well he got really sick while he was there and so when he came home he had to go to the doctor. All the doctors tried to help daddy, but God thought it would be best to have daddy go to heaven where daddy didn’t have to feel sick anymore. So daddy now is in heaven and God is taking care of daddy. We can’t see daddy anymore, but we will one day see him in heaven if you believe in Jesus. So until then, we could look at pictures and videos.” After she had a moment, she finally asked where heaven was, so I showed the sky and explained as best as I could. I think she understood honey… because the next morning, which is today, she woke up asking where heaven is. She’s thinking about you honey… and I know that she misses you and loves you so much.

Today I had to go to the house to pack up. We talked about doing that together in a month when we were going to be on our way to the states together, so it made it really hard for me that I was walking up our gang, GG Abah Murta, without you for the last time. Lots of neighbors followed us in to say good-bye and the one thing that sticks out to me was Ibu L who said that from the front of Dago Pojok til the end people were all talking about what a good guy you were, how you would take walks with A to give me a break, and how you would just talk to them. I was again so proud to hear what an impact you had in their lives. Honey you did a good job.

It was really hard for me to put things away and I hope that I didn’t forget anything. Friends were always there, especially K and even J, who got on a plane as soon as I asked. I tried to keep everything I think would be good memories, but forgive me if I didn’t.

Tonight was absolutely great. I was reminded of the time a few months back when I found you crying in the living room. When I asked why you were crying, you said that you had been writing a letter to me just in case something happened to you. I remember us holding each other crying that day and hoping that it would not happen, and have been learning in this past year that the Lord does not always give what we ask for, you know like how we had been praying for another baby for about a year. Yet there is always something better in His plan, I could see that now in many ways. I thank God for that day we got to mourn together, even though on that day we didn’t know this day would come.

The other thing that made tonight great was all the memories the Lord gave. I mean there was not a bad one. I even tried so I could be sad, but all I could think of were the times we laughed and wrestled and played and even if we did cry it was good because I was crying with you. I had so much fun with you!!! And K put it in the best words… “you guys were always like you were dating.”

So yeah, just to let you know I was able to call family tonight, actually last night, and be happy. R and I actually laughed a lot thinking of you together. One thing I thought was funny, maybe R doesn’t think it’s so funny, but he said how you would say the right thing at the right time when he needed you. I told him you always said the wrong thing at the wrong time. We laughed. It was great.

I just saw how long this was getting and could hear you say that there are some E-isms in my writing and laugh at me. But that’s okay, this is to you.

People keep telling me what a legacy you are leaving behind. I think the same. When I was tired and took naps, you kept going… going on walks, going to study, going to meet people, going to pray with people… going because you wanted to make the most of the time you had. All that I know is that it will bear fruit and I will continue to pray that all those seeds you planted would grow. You said that you didn’t believe in retirement in God’s work and you wanted to stay in Indonesia for as long as you live, so God granted what you asked for.

As I go back to the states, I think of all that will happen and kind of am overwhelmed. All the people, seeing you again, sadness, happiness… But I won’t worry because I know that if you were here you would tell me that I’m going to do a good job and that you are proud of me.

I just want to end with what you have taught me over the 5 years I’ve known you. You were really an image bearer of Christ. I really saw Christ in you every where and in every situation. You loved me for who I was and accepted all of who I was. You never once asked me to change anything, even when I asked you to please wear better clothes. P you were the one person that I had fun with all the time!!! Thanks for teaching me who Jesus really is through your life and how much you loved Him and His word. I mean I wasn’t surprised to find a bible in your cargo pants you wore to the hospital. That’s just you and I’m so proud to have had a husband like that!!! I would never ever want to exchange my five years with you for something else. It will be the best five years of my life!!!

So as I start my life as a single mom, I have one thing to ask you. Just as you prayed for us on this earth, please continue to pray for us in heaven. There are going to be some really tough days for both A and I in the future, so please do not cease to lift us up. I want to raise A to become the woman that we both wanted her to be. Loving the Lord, always on her knees like the A in Luke 2 and ever so wanting to tell people about Jesus, just like her daddy.

I love you P and I thank you for the life you lived.

See you when the Lord calls me.

Your E

P.S. I keep remembering the verse you and I used to run to when things got tough…

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.