i was with some friends the other day and a friend mentioned how life these days sometimes seemed like it was moving like a movie, you're just watching it go by. you sit there and see everything going on and you're there, but really not. not exactly the friend's words, but something to that effect. i knew exactly what he was talking about. that was so true for me too. i'm there with people or at a place or whatever and things happen and it just seems so surreal. i still am not at the point where i could every moment know P is gone. i'll be playing with A in a room and sometimes find myself waiting for P to just walk through the door. or i'll be going to bed and think that he's in the other room doing something and he'll come into bed later. it's already been a month and a half and some days i just can't believe it. i don't think it's true. even though i know it's true, not sure why i still think it's not true? i guess that's just part of the process.
been reading some... the bible of course, but also this book i got from a friend about grieving when you loose a spouse young. it's been good. i'm reading through all the things that will happen in my process and some of them i don't even want to face, others i'm in denial of ever going through and some i think have already come and gone. weird huh? i've been enjoying psalms lately and read psalm 116 almost everyday. P engraved psalm 139 on my wedding ring... so i read that often too. the other day i started isaiah. P and i were reading two chapters a day while he was away for a month taking the class. we never finished it, but i wanted to read through it. maybe in a way to fulfill what we promised, but also just wanting to read it... looking for pictures i could keep in my heart... especially of Jesus.
i feel a little absent minded lately. i'll start something and forget and move on to the other. i'll start calling someone and forget who i was calling. i'll go to an area of the house looking for something and just come back to my room not even remembering that i was looking for something.
sometimes i feel sad... especially when A does something cute... i just want to yell, "P did you see that?" then realize that he's not there. or i have to talk about something that only i would talk to him about and he's not there... then i get frustrated talking to the air... he's not even there to listen and i'm talking to him. crazy!!!
BUT i always remind myself God is good. i tell A that all the time... God is good. no matter what life may bring us, He is good.
thanks for still praying for us, reading about us, sending cards and e-mails, being friends with me on facebook and calling. it's very encouraging and prayer has been what keeps us breathing everyday.
