Singing in the Rain

Do you ever wonder if the pains of the external are caused by the hidden pains of the internals?  Do you ever wonder if your body is really reacting to the pains that are being kept in a dark place in your heart because you don’t know what to do with it?  Some times I know that is true of my pain…

Thursday I had this awful pain in my right shoulder.  I was in so much pain I had to lie on the floor and not move for about an hour.  Well for the past few days, I have been using the ice hot pads, icing and taking tons of ibuprofen.  In the uncertainties of the cause of the pain, I found myself on edge.  I was impatient with A and feeling a bit uneasy.  And it hit me today as I opened a can of diet coke and on the side it said, "share with a friend".  I took a picture of that and sent it to my girls in Chicago...  I missed them so much and I really hadn't been dealing with my loss and pain since I had been so busy trying to help A with hers.  Then this evening, one of those girls called me and we were on the phone for like 40 minutes talking about life, sharing stories, laughing and talking about how much we missed each other and each other's kids...  That did some soul care for me.  After talking to her I noticed that some of the pressure pain I was feeling on my should was diminishing.  I am a very stress sick kind of person...  I mean I get sick easily when I'm stressed and under stress I find myself struggling with muscle aches and upset stomachs...  I may have really hurt my shoulder since I was playing in the pool with a bunch of kids the day before, but that may have not been all of it.  I forget to take care of my heart at times and find myself kicking myself in the butt for not being attentive to myself.

A few days ago, A and I went on an errand.  This particular day A was having a hard day.  She wanted to go back "home to Chicago" and was just being difficult.  But I had an appointment to go to and she just had to suck it up and deal with it for a little while.  As we drove to my appointment, we could see the clouds rolling in.  It was a bit early for rain from what we had experienced, so I didn't think much of it.  I parked my car and we went into the appointment.  As we are in there the rain started pouring down.  I mean it was buckets of rain coming down with winds blowing, so the rain was actually coming sideways.  The guy who was helping me at the appointment was like, "I better finish this fast just in case the electricity goes out and we lose everything."  Anyway... my errand was done and we had a choice, do we run for the car or wait it out?  It didn't look like it was going to end any time soon, so we decided to run for the car, in which that day, I parked pretty far.  So A and I booked it to the car, meanwhile every inch of our body was soaked and A and I were laughing the whole run.  We get in the car and A shouts, "THIS IS AWESOME!!!"  

It's funny how A just needed a downpour of rain to help her in her need to go home and I needed a friend to call and talk to me.  

Transition is hard.  Taking care of ourselves is hard.  But dealing with it in strides and making sure you know the signs of your spiritual, emotional and physical health is so important in living a overall healthy life.  

I miss Chicago.  I miss my friends.  I miss my neighbor who leaves little goodies on our door.  I miss my friends in DP where I could call around to see if they could take A for an afternoon while I go to get pampered.  I miss going to church and though I'm alone, I know there is someone that will want to sit with me.  I miss the pool we go to in the summer.  I miss the knowns.  I miss Portillos - chopped salad and cheese fries with a diet coke.  

I love that we live a block from our community pool and we could walk there everyday for a couple hours and play.  I love that there is a Menchies right across the street from our house.  I love that our house has an extra room where people could come and visit.  I love that the people we know here are being proactive in getting us connected and helping us through this transition.   

There are always ups and downs in change.  

I was talking to someone here and they were telling me how it took them two years before they finally felt like they weren't on a long vacation.  I remember it took us six months before we felt like Indo was somewhat home.  I know it's going to take time...  I also know that once school starts and work starts for us that will help.  Yet as for now... the roller coaster ride continues, but until then, random times of singing in the rain will have to do.

new means mourning...

it has been a week and four days since we arrived in orlando.  so much has happened in these past few months and all of that was in preparation to come here... packing, visiting with people, parties and more parties, good byes and see you laters...  then a three day drive to orlando...

now that we are here and starting the new, we find ourselves also mourning the old.  we both miss our home and our friends, our church family and are finding ourselves comparing, not on purpose but would be like, "remember in chicago..."  new is good, but it is also a sad and hard time.  we love our new house and have been making it a very "P girls"-ish house.  there are definite touches of us all over the house... our favorite is our new pink pull out couch that we got for our guest/entertainment room.

as i transition and begin to settle here, i realize that these past couple months i haven't had time, space or the strength to sit and think and reflect on that's going on, i just kept going, had things to do and i was the only one that could get it done.  saturday our friend, JM, who drove with us to orlando left... that departure set it off for me to begin my grief and really feel the void of all the knowns.  today A is at a camp where she will be picked up and dropped off daily for this week.  my drive home after dropping her off was full of tears.  tears of sadness, tears of grief, tears of relief, tears of joy, tears of mourning, tears of release...

it's only been a week and four days, but it feels like so long ago.  JM and i worked night and day trying to get so much done before she left so that i didn't have to do so much on my own.  there are still things to get done, but i feel like i need to give my body a rest.  our new place has stairs, which my body is not used to.  :)  so carrying heavy things up and down the stairs about 100 times a day, my legs are soar, my body is soar and my heart just needs some time to catch up to where we are.  that's why instead of emptying the few boxes i have left and sorting through things and even making calls i need to make, i'm taking time to cry, blog and even rest today so that my heart, mind and body could all be together feeling and experiencing the same thing.  i think in the midst of chaos and getting things done, we automatically numb certain parts of us so that we could get the work done, which works for some time, but if you do that too long, it's going to backfire and you'll find yourself in a mess.  i don't want to be in that state, so...  today is a jj heller, tea and a good book kind of day.

thank you so much everyone for praying for us during this time of our life and continuing to support us in so many ways.  please continue to pray for us as we settle...  MY BIGGEST PRAYER REQUEST RIGHT NOW IS FINDING A CHURCH COMMUNITY.  we have visited a couple and are continuing seeking, but please pray that we could find a good fit.

we live in a townhouse.  our backyard is all woods and off to the right (about 50 feet) there is a pond and this is what we get to see during the day.  God's creation is so beautiful!!

sack cloth and ashes

there have been multiple times today where i almost lost it crying.  six years ago today i sent my husband to the hospital... six years ago today was the last time i saw my husband alive and responsive... six years ago today we celebrated father's day for the last time... six years ago tomorrow my husband will be the day we celebrate (?) his home going... six years ago tomorrow was the day my life fell apart, it was the day that i felt like the ground gave way from under me and i found myself in the deepest darkest part of the earth.  six years ago tomorrow is the day i walked into a room and through a glass window i saw disaster, a nightmare that i couldn't wake from for days, weeks and months there after.

the reason i found myself almost losing it wasn't because of the memories of that day, but of all the things that he is missing, that i'm missing with him... at A's dance show this weekend, there was a dance where the dads of some of the girls came out and did a number as well.  it made me sad to think that A doesn't have a dad to do that for her.

with moving and having A's dance show (her last one here) and saying good bye to so many people... and on top of that having this day come around once a year... it's a little much right now.  crunch time has arrived... this thursday the movers will be here 8:30 in the morning ready to take our stuff down to Orlando.  then it's more back to back good byes with friends and family... then the following tuesday we are off to Orlando.

so yes... this day is hard... remembering the day of the greatest loss for some reason does seem more than the normal day to day feeling of the same loss... don't know why that is true, but i guess it is the reason for the day to day feeling of the loss.  nonetheless... i am mourning... mourning the loss of a husband, the soon to be loss of the condo that has been a great home for us for the past three years, the soon to come final good-byes to Chicago, the mourning of great uncles that will not be around in terms of distance for A, the mourning of losing friendships for A and the moms of those friends that became my friends, the mourning of girlfriends that i love so so much.... so much is going to be a loss.  YES i understand there will be great things ahead and adventures... new friendships and community, BUT just as there is a time for celebration, i feel tonight is a night of mourning.  i could see why in the Bible times people wore sackcloth and ashes...  sometimes you just want people to know what the state of your inside is on the outside.

No more 4 suitcases

There has been a lot of changes in these past few months... where do I even start?  I'll start by saying that GOD IS GOOD!!  He is one that ordains all things before they even happen and there are times that I think I know what's best for me, then I realize that the Lord is like, "Oh no E.. That's not it."  It takes me a while some times to realize that, but nonetheless He lets me know His good and wonderful deeds, leading me to the path that He has paved out for me.

I began this year thinking that I was going to return to the field of education.  My desire is and always will be to invest in the life that the Lord has entrusted me with, A.  Although I went back to school for three years to get my Masters in Counseling Ministries, I knew that if I got a job in the counseling field, I would not be able to invest as much in A as I want to.  So going back to education made sense since then A and I could be on the same schedule.  So I applied to schools both internationally and domestically.  None seem to work for a variety of reasons.  At that time, I was going down to PI for a conference and maybe resign with them since I am on a study leave.  Yet the Lord closed the last door in the education field for me and opened a new one... one that I did not go out and search for, but just fell in my lap... one that was not even in the field I was looking at. 

So now... I graduated from TIU with a Masters in Counseling Ministries (as of May 17) and am packing to move to Orlando to work with TCKs (Third Culture Kids).  These children are those who are US citizens that live in another country with their family.  My job will have me using my educational background, my experiences growing up as a US immigrant family in ministry, my life overseas and my newly achieved counseling skills!!  When I told them that I wasn't sure at first because I wanted to be available for A, they said that my office hours could be flexible and I could also work from home during the times A is not in school.  I also have to travel with this job and they said that A could come along, which is fabulous because I want A to see the world and what God is doing in different places.  This is God's gift to me and to A.

As I start packing, I realized that I do not have to fit all that I want to take into 4 suitcases this time.  It's weird to be able to take my bed, my couch, the things that I have been using.... I have been purging some, but it's not half as much as I have done in the past.  This is very different...  Makes me think of all those times we packed in the past and all that has happened in these past several years!!  I've gotten really good at packing.  :)

So much has happened!! 

Please be praying for us.  The Lord has been good and has been laying things before us so easily, but still... we need prayer as always.

1.  Packing and saying good-bye could be emotional for both me and A.  Please pray for this process.
2. Everything to end well...  The end is just as important as the start of things.
3. Financial support as we embark this new endeavor.  This is a ministry job, so will need full support.
4. Friendships and a church as we go to Orlando.

willow... pottery... leather...

willow trees are my favorite trees.  i love that it hangs low providing shade and branches for children to swing on.  i love pottery, especially the ones that are hand made and given as gifts.  i love the personal touch with the intricate details of the individual.  now leather... leather is interesting.  i love leather jackets when others wear it and think how i would like one, but then i don't think it will look as good on me as it does on the other people.  i guess there are leather belts, leather bond journals, leather shoes...  if we had to think of a gift of leather...

i have always envisioned an outdoor wedding on a beautiful sunny day.  i envisioned green grass surrounded in beautiful tall trees with white chairs lined up row after row for an intimate gathering.  i envisioned rays of sunshine as i walked down the aisle meeting the man of my dreams on the other side.  i envisioned the release of hundreds of balloons into the sky.  i envisioned dancing and lots of laughter.  i envisioned that kind of wedding.

instead i got a huge wedding indoors in the middle of winter with about 500 people in blue pews.  my balloons were there, but it almost didn't happen if not for LM who told me that i need to do what i want to do and helped make all the balloons stay.  my vision of a spring/fall/summer outdoor wedding didn't happen, but it was a great celebration of two people who came together as God has brought them and blessed the wedding with snow fall, my favorite snow!!!

so apparently on your ninth year of marriage you are supposed to give willow, pottery or for a more modern flare leather.  i envision receiving a leather bond journal with a pen made out of willow wood and a hand made mug (pottery).

instead of receiving any of these this anniversary, i am in sunny florida with lots of people who love JESUS and can relate to me because we have lived similar lives.  i am finding joy in the sorrow and learning to continue to trust.  instead of willow i am surrounded by palm trees... instead of pottery i have cans of diet coke... instead of leather i have tissue to wipe away the tears of sorrow, thankfulness and joy that God has walked me through.

telling your story is life giving... this was said at some point during the conference so far...  i realize i haven't really told my story lately let alone have i talked about how i'm really doing.  i was asked to share a little of my story and be open to questions today.  it was definitely life-giving.  reminding me where i have been, who i am and what God created me to do.

9 years ago today, i went to the hair salon to get my hair and make-up done (fake lashes and everything).  i went to church to get dressed and then waited in the nursery for P to see me for the first time...  after pictures we waited to get married.  there we were... my hand in my dad's, P waiting on the other side smiling, and then it started.  that day i vowed to be his wife in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer til death do us part...  death did us part... and we both kept our vows til death did us part.

we were a good looking couple.  we had fun together, laughed a lot, loved a lot, planned a lot, gave a lot, cried a lot, left a lot...   i do think it ended too short, but today i'm not so sad... would i have rather gotten the leather bond journal with a willow tree made pen and a hand made mug?  yes of course.  but right now i'm okay.  there is an element of having lived more life without P than with P and though he was such an essential part of my life and will never ever be forgotten, i am okay.  at times i find myself panicked at life's situations, but if i just take a deep breath and look back, i will see God's handprint in every nook and cranny of my life and see that He is faithful.  God is good.

may it be...

courage... "courage always demands an element of leaving, and leaving is always hard!" & "moving from comfort to courage will cause you to feel weak in the knees - a good indicator that you should stop standing up and get ON your knees." - Jeanne Stevens

i was courageous when i told P that i was open to whatever God had for me on our second date when he said that we didn't have to meet anymore if i had no interest in going overseas.  i was open to leave the comfort of US life to a hot climate if that's what God had for me.

i was courageous when i said YES to a proposal at navy pier.  i was ready to leave singleness to being attached to someone for the rest of my life.

i was courageous when i said my vows "til death do us part" not knowing the depths of those words.  i was ready to leave the comfort of my home to join this man to make our own.

i was courageous when we decided to leave it up to God for us to have kids instead of planning it on our own.  i was ready to leave my plans in the hands of God.

i was courageous when i took my 6 month old across the ocean to a place i have never been, to set up a house and raise my family there.  i was ready to leave the american dream to the unknown dream.

i was courageous when P asked me to fast and pray about our visa situation and trusting God that P would lead us in a way that was going to bring glory to Him.  i was ready to leave what i felt God calling us to and follow God's leading.  (in this case i didn't have to leave, but God just wanted me to trust that He had things under control... Will you trust me?  is what he asked.)

i was courageous when i agreed to P's month long class in another city to get his teaching certification.  i was ready to leave the comfort of parenting together for a month of single momhood.

i was courageous when the doctors said that he had to be sedated in order to be well again.  i was ready to leave it up to God.

i was courageous when i went to see my coma induced husband in ICU in a foreign country.  i had to leave the comfort of the medical system i knew in the states up to God as P was being treated in this hospital.

i was courageous when i walked back into the ICU two hours later to find out that he might not make it.  i had to leave it up to God.

i was courageous when i had to trudge up our "gang" to pack up our home to leave for the states a couple days after P's death.  i had to leave the comfort of my home to the unknown again.

i was courageous when i woke up every morning for the year after that.  i had to leave the comfort of my bed to face the world and raise my daughter.

i was courageous when i started counseling and faced all that i needed to embrace.

i was courageous when i went back to indo to say good-bye to everyone just to find myself feeling the sense to go back.

i was courageous when i went to live in indo again.

i was courageous when i came back to the states to start grad school.

i was courageous when i sent A to the public school system.

i was courageous when i made new friends.

i was courageous...

for some reason for a while i have lost that courage.  instead of courage i find myself being so reasonable and calculating.  i find myself checking and rechecking and being logical.  i find myself fearing the what ifs that i have no control over.  LORD make me courageous again.

as i prayed through my fears, my calculations, my logics... i find God saying, "TRUST"...  and i have been having such a hard time trusting.  because to trust is to have faith... to have faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we do not see.

this week i am at a place that P and i have been to and that kind of identifies who we were as a couple, who i am as a single...  this is the place that brought friendships together... a place where i feel safe... a place where i could be heard... a place where i could be known and understood... a place of love and acceptance.   i am blessed to be here.  and here God is asking me to have courage.  He is asking me to be courageous in telling my story, to be courageous in asking Him what i really want, to be courageous in feeling the pain that i keep telling myself i should be done with, to be courageous in letting others in on my  struggles and allow them to walk with me in it, to be courageous in staying in the moment and take it one step at a time...

i did a study with the ladies at my church right before i came to this place and it was a study on mary the mother of Jesus.  and Jeanne Stevens said how "may it be" are one of the most courageous words mary spoke.  i am challenged to be courageous and say MAY IT BE...  because even though i like to know... i don't always need to know and i just need to trust and say... MAY IT BE!!!

SO...

may it be... whether we stay in the states after i graduate or go overseas... may it be

may it be... whether i get married again or stay single for the rest of my life... may it be

may it be... whether i teach or translate as a job or counsel or disciple... may it be

may it be... whether i go to a warm place or a place with four  season... may it be

may it be... whether i adopt or foster or do safe families or be able to have my own children ever... may it be

may it be... even if it none of the above... LORD MAY IT BE!!!

seriously a decade?

last week RB and TB celebrated their tenth year of marriage.  their wedding was what the start of my relationship with P because after the wedding as P drove them to their hotel, RB told P that he had to ask me out before they got back from their honeymoon.  what RB hadn't known was I was almost through with P.

i had gone to a christmas party at P's place a little over a month before their wedding date.  at the party, i gave P my number because he wanted to get together with some people to go ice-skating.  i was waiting for a month for him to call... but i got absolutely nothing.  when school started back up from winter break, P did not come to sub for a while.  then when he did, he started coming to my room before he went to lunch to ask if he could pick something up for me too.  that week we started taking turns buying lunch for each other, but nothing was talked about.  i was starting to think he was a player or something... ha ha... then it happened, 10 years ago yesterday, he called me and asked me out!!!  10 years ago today we went on our first date.  i cannot believe it's been that long.

10 years ago today, P picked me up and took me out for coffee.  i remember my sister and friends telling me to dress up, but i was like you guys don't know P... he's not someone to dress up.  so i wore jeans and a cute sweater and my red coat.  P wore jeans and a sweater and a jacket.  i knew him...  :)  at the coffee shop we talked about our families, what we like and stuff like that and then we went to the weirdest show in the world.  why he took me there is beyond me, but nonetheless i had fun.

10 years... that's a decade.  i kind of feel really old.  the picture below is not from our first date, but it was the summer that followed.  we were young.

Theology = happily ever after?

Every girls' dream growing up is meeting her Prince Charming and living happily ever after.  I've actually been impressed with Disney with the past few movies like "Brave" and "Frozen" and "Wreck It Ralph"...  True love was not in with a man in a woman, but was portrayed between a mom and a daughter, two sisters and two friends.  But I realized last week during bible study how my theology was wrong and it was more along the lines of Princess movies than God's word.

God always is working in my heart, teaching me about Himself and who I am in Him, bringing light into the dark places of my life, asking me to give things up, depend on Him, trust Him, follow Him, believe in Him... Last week during Bible Study, my life was a little turned upside down as my theology was questioned, as I grappled with the very opposite of what I thought was true...  How could this be and how could I continue to believe in all that I know with this earthquake.

Our Women's Bible Study is studying 12 women of the Bible.  It started out with Eve, then Rebekkah and last week it was Leah....  My theology was based on the stories of Job, Hannah, Sarah, Rachel... but not on Leah.  Where does Leah fit in my theology??  Nowhere... at least not until last week.

I have realized and still continue to realize the strong grip, the grip that makes your knuckles turn white at times... well that was my grip on the theology that God is the God of Job, where when He gives, He takes away and then He blesses two folds.  My theology was that God is the God of Hannah and Sarah and Rachel where when you ask, God listens and grants the desires of your heart.  My theology did not have room for Leah and I don't even know if I was ready to hear it when I did, but...

Leah was a woman who was weak in the eyes.  The study pointed out that we don't know if it was that she couldn't see or if the glimmer in her eyes were not like those of attractive girls, but nevertheless people knew this fact.  Obviously Jacob knew this fact and that's why in his eyes he only saw Rachel and didn't see or notice Leah.  Leah having been forced to marry a man who did not love her and she may not have loved either, but her only desire was to be loved or at least noticed by her husband.  And though she bore him boy after boy, it continues to state how Jacob loved Rachel, not Leah.  Poor Leah right??  Yet when she has Judah, she realizes that it's not Jacob who she wants to focus on, but the Lord and praise God, while the other three, if you look at the meanings of their names, were for her husband.  This was a constant struggle in her life, at times she was focused on the Lord, other times she was in competition with her sister.

Hmmm not all stories are that of Job, Hannah, Sarah or Rachel, but there are stories like Leah...  God's character is no different in Leah's story in comparison with Job's or the others'... the only difference is the outcome.  Job and the others' if you look saw their blessing on this side of heaven, but Leah... her blessing came after she was done.  The son she praised God with became the lineage to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.   God heard Leah, He was with her, He was her strong tower and it was a little lonely for her at times, but God was no different in this story than the others...  The way He used Leah was different.  That's all.

I'm ashamed to say this, but my theology of Job was what I was hoping for me... not just hoping, but holding on to that with my hands tight, knuckles turning white, almost losing the feelings in my hand... But then today's Bible study made me realize and remember truths from my past that got lost through these years... All things we hold onto with open hands...  "We should live our lives in a fluid dance of surrender with God.  You have to surrender, and surrender often." - Amena Brown

My strong grip is that of a little girl wanting to wear her princess dress all week long, wherever she went... stinking it up by the end of the week and not wanting to part with it.  I made my life into this stench, not wanting to take off this false theology...  wanting to hold on to only the things that I thought was good.  That princess dress along with my theology need a wash... and when it's clean you could see and smell the truth of what it is...

My theology is that of Job and of Leah.  I hold on to all things with an open hand and prayerfully depend on God to keep those hands open as I continue to honestly tell Him how the things of my heart trusting that He is listening and will do as He wills.  I can't live without His Spirit.

guilty??

i feel like i have a lot to say lately. maybe because i hadn't blogged in a long time, but this week has been a blessing and i am deciding not to feel guilty about it.

this semester i have one class, wednesday mornings.  the rest of the week is up to God and a little of me scheduling things, but other than the class, i am in a sub pool and if i get called, depending on what i'm doing that day, i could accept or decline.  honestly i have declined all of them last semester and this semester i haven't been able to yet.  but every time i decline a job or am at home, i feel a sense of guilt.  i feel pressure of having to do something.  but not anymore... no more guilt and this is why.

being a stay at home mom is a blessing.  i know i will not be doing it long nor will i be able to do it long, but when i can, i would like to.  i remember after P died and we were going through some difficulty with the life insurance and at one point i was talking to our finance person, i kind of lost it and said, "tell them to keep the money, i don't care about it."  and our finance person was so sweet, gentle and caring... she said, "E, i remember when you and P were in my office and we were discussing life insurance and P said he really wanted you to have it so you and A could be taken care of if anything would happen."  i remember crying after hearing that...  and i find myself crying at times from time to time remembering those words when i don't have to work and am able to stay at home.  P and i talked about how we wanted me to stay at home.  i come from an immigrant family.  both of my parents worked super hard to make life for us here in the states.  at times it was just to make ends meet and at times to live means there are sacrifices you have to make, sometimes it was time with the kids...  i made a promise to myself that if i could be, i want to be home with my kids... at least be the face they saw when they went to school and the face with the plate of cookies and milk when they got home from school.  

i used to think, "what do stay at home moms do all day long"... so boring.  granted i have been in school these past two years and this semester is the first semester really with one class and it's only been the first full week since A has been back at school, but i have truly enjoyed my time and have been getting things done that i feel i haven't been able to do for a long time... like go through our storage and  get rid of stuff, sort through A's clothes for the ones that don't fit anymore and find ones that do fit from our pile of hand-me-downs, cook real home cooked meals that actually take time and thought, grocery shop for good healthy food, blog, really sit and process, catch up to e-mails that have been piling up...  okay so this was just a weeks worth and maybe after a while i won't want to do this... but the point is stay at home moms, especially the ones with little ones are busy people.  

i honestly feel bad for those moms that go through guilt trips being a stay at home mom.  for whatever lies have been planted in their hearts and even mine, they are not able to enjoy the blessing the Lord has given them...  the financial stability to be able to stay home (or the contentment of a simple life to be home with the kids), the blessing to be the one that invests in the kids that God has entrusted them with... i have lies in my heart and it fights with my desire to be available for my daughter.  the lie of having to be doing something (making money) to have worth.  the lie that i am not teaching my daughter the values of working hard.  the lie that i need to keep up with the jones' so even if i have money i have to make more so i could have more and own more.  BUT there are lies on the other end as well.  i mean i think my desire to be there for my daughter is valid, but i have to say there are lies there as well.  the lie that tells me if i miss one thing, a school event or a concert or a class party, then my daughter is going to end up messed up.  the lie that if i stay home with her everything will be perfect.  the lie that being there for her every step of the way she'll turn out like a model person.

lies on both ends... but as my professors always say... it's good to be aware of both sides, no matter what it is.  when we are fully aware of what two forces are working in us, we are more conscious when we make decisions.  so yes i know the lies that are within me.  i know what makes me go to either extreme.  but i also know that there are seasons of life.  right now i know God is preparing...  He is working... He is helping me to my next step, whatever that may be.  so i am going to take strides and not feel guilty when i do and can take days to stay at home and do laundry and catch up on e-mails.  

i also by no means am giving myself permission to be lazy and flamboyant with my time.  i continue to live for His Kingdom and will look up toward home... i will continue to find ways to serve Him to whatever capacity i can...  i will continue to grow myself and care for myself so that i could be better prepared to be a godly wise mom to my beautiful daughter.  and i think the latter part of this is what has drawn me to really enjoy having time... i am able to study, i mean really study God's word this week and i know that since i am spending more time with Him, His spirit is ever so strongly communing with me and i with Him.  it has been a blessing... AND I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY!!

i instead will praise God for His provisions.  i instead will be thankful for a  loving husband who wanted to care for us even after he was gone.  i instead will work when i want and be there for A when she needs me or work when i need to and leave A in God's hands.  i instead will continue to seek God's will and live in the leading of the Sprit.  i instead will receive the care that God wants to do to my soul.  i instead will live as a free child of God and caught in the web of Satan's lies.  i instead will live for His Kingdom and be opportunities to bring glory to His name.  

a vapor in the wind

do you stop to think of the brevity of life?  i don't know if it's because of P's death that i find myself thinking about it more, but it's on my mind a lot.  before P's death we had a gathering once with our friends and we were sharing verses or songs that have been impacting our lives at that time and i remember he played fernando ortega's "all flesh is like grass" - it goes like this...

all flesh is like the grass
the grass withers and fades away
all flesh is like the grass
the grass withers and fades away

the glory of man, like a flower
that shrivels in the sun and fails
the glory of man, like a flower
that shrivels in the sun and fails

but the word of the Lord
endures forever
the word of the Lord
endures forever

there would be times after his death that i would listen to this and cry not because it would remind me of him, but understanding the truth behind it.  recently A and i heard a 5 minute clip from francis chan and he brought out a rope ... a really really long white rope and explained how that's our life.  then he had about three inches of this really really long white rope wrapped in red tape and explained that the red part was our time on earth.  brief...

my dad is in the hospital for about a week and a half now.  he went in with pneumonia and is better, but due to other complications with his dementia he has had to stay in longer.  i guess maybe that is what brought this thought on... or it could be that i find myself thinking at times what would happen if i die.... whatever the cause... our life on this earth is brief.  it is like grass that withers, flowers that shrivels, and like vapor in the wind...

what do i want to say about this??  i'm not sure, but that it was on my heart and i wanted to get it out there.  i was awakened the other day by a friend that told me, "you try so hard to no need help and make it seem like you got it all together... i mean come on it's been over five years..." something to that effect and totally sarcastic because i deserved it.  i was doing exactly what she was saying... i didn't want to put up the "i'm needy" sign anymore because i thought that people would think, "come on get over it it's been over five years"...  that pressure on myself has caused me a lot of grief... and one of it as my friend mentioned in the same conversation was not accepting tender loving care from people...  that particular friend, AH, especially would offer us to come over for dinner or go some place with them and i would decline, with stupid excuses like not wanting to interfere with their family time... but really maybe it was my pride... anyway... this has gone a different direction but it really isn't.

i'm missing the point.  God created us to live in community.  He wanted the orphans and widows to be taken care of because he knew what they would need.  God's desire wasn't for me to put up a front and say everything is okay, he wanted me to be vulnerable and humble before Him and people so that we could love one another, care for each other's needs.  during new year's day i had a theological conversation with a friend, KM, and we were talking about a lot of different things, but then it got to the orphans and the widows and KM said something that struck me.  he said how in the church there should not be single parents.  i remember when we dedicated A and people promised to come along side P and i to raise A... it wasn't going to be just us... that's what KM was saying.

really in the end i am writing this for myself.  life is short... E, you don't have to bear the burden of everything...  i mean it sucks that you work so hard to raise A and she tells you she misses dad... and as much as you know that it's not because you are doing a bad job, but it's genuinely because she misses her dad, you can't help but feel what a loser you are for not being able to fill those shoes and be both to her.  and you don't try to be dad and mom, but you kind of are so it hurts you...  and that's when you go to your family of believers... that's when you are vulnerable and say how sucky this whole thing is.... that's when you write that nasty letter to your deceased spouse and tell him off...  that's when you get on your knees and tell the Father drenched in tears, that's it's not by your strength, but the strength that He gives that you will be able to live this short life with wisdom, joy, grace and HOPE.

during pastor P's sermon this past sunday, i was struck by a few words...
BELIEVE
TRUST
DEPEND
i hadn't been doing it.  maybe that's why my 2013 sucked like i had mentioned in the previous blog.  maybe i started trusting myself, believing i could do it... depending on myself... no wonder my shoulders hurt all the time...  bearing all this burden on myself instead of casting it all on Him...  i was reading through John a while back... i can't remember when, but it was within the year and i was struck by how many times it has the word BELIEVE.  i could probably find it in my journal somewhere...  not that i stopped believing in God and the saving work He did through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, but i slowly shifted... not thinking i was depending on myself... but was... funny how Satan brings that deceit into our lives so slyly that you don't even realize that it's there.  telling you... "oh no... that little thing, you could do that yourself" or "come on, just this once... it's not a big deal why pray about it"...  all those lies.

today i heard on the radio how so many in this culture now don't need to pray or ask for  God's provision anymore because of the "POWER OF THE PLASTIC" that gives us all that we need whether we need it or not, so our coming to God has decreased.

that's maybe where i was heading.  so glad that through these past couple months and weeks, God has been seriously showing me my weaknesses and letting me bring them before Him... over and over again... in that i have found freedom... little by little feeling the burden lift from me and putting it at the foot of the cross for my Savior to take care of it.

perfection is demanded in this world and it is a perfection in the culture of busyness and chaos...  i am not perfect and neither will i ever be until i am face to face with my savior at home... and i want to be okay with that.

i was reading through 1 thessalonians today and the good old verse stuck out to me... "... but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts" (2:4).  i don't say what i am about to say out of disrespect, but out of the person i desire to be...  i am not going to care what i think people will think... i am not going to hold down feelings because i think i should be over it... i am going to be true to who i am and where i am in life because those times of really looking at myself and revealing to God the things of my heart are i believe the times that He is testing me to see if i am going to run to Him or live as the world tells me to live.

i feel like there was no flow to this entry, but i send it out to the cyber world to release my heart of this burden.  

here we come 2014

The beginning of 2014 was a frigid one.  I already drive like a grandma, but with a blizzard on the first, I drove like a super nanny to make my way to a party at 4027.  There is a saying in Korea that whatever you do on the first day of the  year is what the rest of the year will look like.  I spent it laughing and playing games in a warm house with good food.  Later trudging like an old grandma again home through the flying snow.

When you begin something, that means there is an end to something else... the beginning to 2014 means that it is an end to 2013.  I have been spending time reflecting on 2013 and looking into what I want to continue from 2013 and what I desire to begin in 2014.  Blogging is definitely one thing that I would like to start in 2014 again on a more continual basis.  I remember AB telling me that I should make that a part of my life when I was heading back to the states and told me to put it in my schedule.  As I mentioned in a previous blog post, busyness has caught up with me, and to be totally honest with you, the busyness was my own stupidity on not using my time wisely...  giving my self "the right" to waste time because I "earned" it by working hard... but really come on... who needs two hours of tv or more a night or who needs that extra cookie or who needs to be on facebook for two minutes that turned into an hour of stalking  all for the "right" that we "earned"...  Counseling is all about self-care, but self-care is not indulgence and I feel that in my desire to care for myself, I have indulged way too much in certain areas.  So in 2014, instead of indulging in things that lead to nothingness... I am going to write again... not for anyone else but myself.  I want to express myself again... maybe that will lead to less money spent on massages to relieve the stress. I have been seeing a chiropractor for a few months now.  I go in once a month to get a massage and then realigned.  It has reduced a lot of pain around my shoulders and headaches that I have been getting.  Anyway when I asked the chiropractor how to reduce the pain and tension he answered, "get rid of the stress in your life" and we laughed together.  There are definite ways that I can reduce my stress or tension and that is to write about it.  So here we go...

I just finished typing up an update for all our supporters to send out pretty soon.  I was AWOL for like three years as I started up life here and as I typed 3 years worth of update on two pages, I realized how much I haven't really processed.  I realized that some of the stuff that I had been feeling and thinking about was all in my head and never let out.  That came as a surprise to me as I think I have...  I don't know how to explain it, but... especially 2013... it was a pretty dysfunctional year for me  in many different ways.  The beginning of 2013 was a rude awakening for me as I found myself driving a friend to the ER for conditions that matched P's during his last days.  I found myself days after feeling the effects of it all over again.  Found myself trapped in a nightmare that I had not had in a long time.  In those days, I realized that I need to stop running this marathon of wanting to be done quickly, but enjoy the process and give myself some breathing room.. giving myself time and space to think about all I've learned and how I'm going to use it for the glory of God.  I found myself following the ways of the world of wanting to finish quickly to get on to the next task and keep moving.  That's not what God had for me and as I processed the effects of that ER visit, God began to turn my semester upside down.  I was supposed to have graduated in May of 2013, but God wanted me to slow down and enjoy Him, so one way He showed me that He was in control was that a week before the semester started, my internship site called and told me that my supervisor quit and that there would be no one to supervise me for that semester.  With a week left to find a place, I realized that God was putting me in a place to slow down.  As I reflect on it now though, I spent little time enjoying Him and more time enjoying the world.  Of course I would spend time with the Lord, but I did not fully utilize the time given to me to "Bathe myself in Truth" as my friend, KS, says... instead I would watch tv (which is a serious downfall, weakness for me) or shop (another pitfall for me).  I liked being alone, which is not how God created us... He wants us to be in community, but my defense for that was people were too busy for me, so I was just going to enjoy myself.  That was a good part of 2013, but God is good.  He sometimes allows us to wallow in our self pity and let us do our pouting and whatever else it is we want to do...  Then He started turning me around again to see His face in the midst of my self-centered life... Bringing me back to His word and putting Himself in the center of my fears and anxieties, helping me understand that He is in control.  

The start of a new year is hard for me...  It's right after the holidays that remind both A and myself the absences of P and then the end of January P and I started dating, so it's like a reminder of  all that was lost... February rolls around and it's full of A's birthday, Valentine's day (that usually doesn't bother me, but now that he's gone it does), then it's our wedding anniversary.  So last year after the ER visit and having to go through all that, the birthday and the party, Valentine's day - seeing people go on dates and all that mushy stuff, then our anniversary...  it just was a rough start for 2013.

This year I am hopeful.  For the first time holidays were good... I mean really good.  Thanksgiving was spent with people we love then Christmas and New Year's was spent with the family group of people at 4027.  Anna and I made new memories and followed some old traditions.  I found myself giving myself permission to let go of things that were P and I that didn't really fit me and A.  A and I enjoyed time with each other and away from each other, even allowing myself to feel guiltless about enjoying my time without my daughter.  Within a month I spent 8 days without her.  It was fabulous!!!

Today after the Polar Vortex, A started school and we are back on a routine, which I am super pumped about.  Yay!!  Five and a half years later and you still find yourself at a new place you reached of life without the spouse.  More and more the Lord is healing me and allowing me to continue to wrestle with him when needed.  

Please pray for me:

1.  To be diligent in my walk with the Lord and not fall into my pitfalls.

2.  To finish well this things called grad school - Graduation date May 17.

3.  To be wise in my parenting.

Please pray for A:

1.  To continue to grow in God's word and have a hunger for it.

2.  To grow intellectually at school.

3.  To process well her life with a single parent, the grief, the joy, the pain and the fun of it all.

Happy New Year Everyone!!!