guilty??

i feel like i have a lot to say lately. maybe because i hadn't blogged in a long time, but this week has been a blessing and i am deciding not to feel guilty about it.

this semester i have one class, wednesday mornings.  the rest of the week is up to God and a little of me scheduling things, but other than the class, i am in a sub pool and if i get called, depending on what i'm doing that day, i could accept or decline.  honestly i have declined all of them last semester and this semester i haven't been able to yet.  but every time i decline a job or am at home, i feel a sense of guilt.  i feel pressure of having to do something.  but not anymore... no more guilt and this is why.

being a stay at home mom is a blessing.  i know i will not be doing it long nor will i be able to do it long, but when i can, i would like to.  i remember after P died and we were going through some difficulty with the life insurance and at one point i was talking to our finance person, i kind of lost it and said, "tell them to keep the money, i don't care about it."  and our finance person was so sweet, gentle and caring... she said, "E, i remember when you and P were in my office and we were discussing life insurance and P said he really wanted you to have it so you and A could be taken care of if anything would happen."  i remember crying after hearing that...  and i find myself crying at times from time to time remembering those words when i don't have to work and am able to stay at home.  P and i talked about how we wanted me to stay at home.  i come from an immigrant family.  both of my parents worked super hard to make life for us here in the states.  at times it was just to make ends meet and at times to live means there are sacrifices you have to make, sometimes it was time with the kids...  i made a promise to myself that if i could be, i want to be home with my kids... at least be the face they saw when they went to school and the face with the plate of cookies and milk when they got home from school.  

i used to think, "what do stay at home moms do all day long"... so boring.  granted i have been in school these past two years and this semester is the first semester really with one class and it's only been the first full week since A has been back at school, but i have truly enjoyed my time and have been getting things done that i feel i haven't been able to do for a long time... like go through our storage and  get rid of stuff, sort through A's clothes for the ones that don't fit anymore and find ones that do fit from our pile of hand-me-downs, cook real home cooked meals that actually take time and thought, grocery shop for good healthy food, blog, really sit and process, catch up to e-mails that have been piling up...  okay so this was just a weeks worth and maybe after a while i won't want to do this... but the point is stay at home moms, especially the ones with little ones are busy people.  

i honestly feel bad for those moms that go through guilt trips being a stay at home mom.  for whatever lies have been planted in their hearts and even mine, they are not able to enjoy the blessing the Lord has given them...  the financial stability to be able to stay home (or the contentment of a simple life to be home with the kids), the blessing to be the one that invests in the kids that God has entrusted them with... i have lies in my heart and it fights with my desire to be available for my daughter.  the lie of having to be doing something (making money) to have worth.  the lie that i am not teaching my daughter the values of working hard.  the lie that i need to keep up with the jones' so even if i have money i have to make more so i could have more and own more.  BUT there are lies on the other end as well.  i mean i think my desire to be there for my daughter is valid, but i have to say there are lies there as well.  the lie that tells me if i miss one thing, a school event or a concert or a class party, then my daughter is going to end up messed up.  the lie that if i stay home with her everything will be perfect.  the lie that being there for her every step of the way she'll turn out like a model person.

lies on both ends... but as my professors always say... it's good to be aware of both sides, no matter what it is.  when we are fully aware of what two forces are working in us, we are more conscious when we make decisions.  so yes i know the lies that are within me.  i know what makes me go to either extreme.  but i also know that there are seasons of life.  right now i know God is preparing...  He is working... He is helping me to my next step, whatever that may be.  so i am going to take strides and not feel guilty when i do and can take days to stay at home and do laundry and catch up on e-mails.  

i also by no means am giving myself permission to be lazy and flamboyant with my time.  i continue to live for His Kingdom and will look up toward home... i will continue to find ways to serve Him to whatever capacity i can...  i will continue to grow myself and care for myself so that i could be better prepared to be a godly wise mom to my beautiful daughter.  and i think the latter part of this is what has drawn me to really enjoy having time... i am able to study, i mean really study God's word this week and i know that since i am spending more time with Him, His spirit is ever so strongly communing with me and i with Him.  it has been a blessing... AND I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY!!

i instead will praise God for His provisions.  i instead will be thankful for a  loving husband who wanted to care for us even after he was gone.  i instead will work when i want and be there for A when she needs me or work when i need to and leave A in God's hands.  i instead will continue to seek God's will and live in the leading of the Sprit.  i instead will receive the care that God wants to do to my soul.  i instead will live as a free child of God and caught in the web of Satan's lies.  i instead will live for His Kingdom and be opportunities to bring glory to His name.