When you begin something, that means there is an end to something else... the beginning to 2014 means that it is an end to 2013. I have been spending time reflecting on 2013 and looking into what I want to continue from 2013 and what I desire to begin in 2014. Blogging is definitely one thing that I would like to start in 2014 again on a more continual basis. I remember AB telling me that I should make that a part of my life when I was heading back to the states and told me to put it in my schedule. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, busyness has caught up with me, and to be totally honest with you, the busyness was my own stupidity on not using my time wisely... giving my self "the right" to waste time because I "earned" it by working hard... but really come on... who needs two hours of tv or more a night or who needs that extra cookie or who needs to be on facebook for two minutes that turned into an hour of stalking all for the "right" that we "earned"... Counseling is all about self-care, but self-care is not indulgence and I feel that in my desire to care for myself, I have indulged way too much in certain areas. So in 2014, instead of indulging in things that lead to nothingness... I am going to write again... not for anyone else but myself. I want to express myself again... maybe that will lead to less money spent on massages to relieve the stress. I have been seeing a chiropractor for a few months now. I go in once a month to get a massage and then realigned. It has reduced a lot of pain around my shoulders and headaches that I have been getting. Anyway when I asked the chiropractor how to reduce the pain and tension he answered, "get rid of the stress in your life" and we laughed together. There are definite ways that I can reduce my stress or tension and that is to write about it. So here we go...
I just finished typing up an update for all our supporters to send out pretty soon. I was AWOL for like three years as I started up life here and as I typed 3 years worth of update on two pages, I realized how much I haven't really processed. I realized that some of the stuff that I had been feeling and thinking about was all in my head and never let out. That came as a surprise to me as I think I have... I don't know how to explain it, but... especially 2013... it was a pretty dysfunctional year for me in many different ways. The beginning of 2013 was a rude awakening for me as I found myself driving a friend to the ER for conditions that matched P's during his last days. I found myself days after feeling the effects of it all over again. Found myself trapped in a nightmare that I had not had in a long time. In those days, I realized that I need to stop running this marathon of wanting to be done quickly, but enjoy the process and give myself some breathing room.. giving myself time and space to think about all I've learned and how I'm going to use it for the glory of God. I found myself following the ways of the world of wanting to finish quickly to get on to the next task and keep moving. That's not what God had for me and as I processed the effects of that ER visit, God began to turn my semester upside down. I was supposed to have graduated in May of 2013, but God wanted me to slow down and enjoy Him, so one way He showed me that He was in control was that a week before the semester started, my internship site called and told me that my supervisor quit and that there would be no one to supervise me for that semester. With a week left to find a place, I realized that God was putting me in a place to slow down. As I reflect on it now though, I spent little time enjoying Him and more time enjoying the world. Of course I would spend time with the Lord, but I did not fully utilize the time given to me to "Bathe myself in Truth" as my friend, KS, says... instead I would watch tv (which is a serious downfall, weakness for me) or shop (another pitfall for me). I liked being alone, which is not how God created us... He wants us to be in community, but my defense for that was people were too busy for me, so I was just going to enjoy myself. That was a good part of 2013, but God is good. He sometimes allows us to wallow in our self pity and let us do our pouting and whatever else it is we want to do... Then He started turning me around again to see His face in the midst of my self-centered life... Bringing me back to His word and putting Himself in the center of my fears and anxieties, helping me understand that He is in control.
The start of a new year is hard for me... It's right after the holidays that remind both A and myself the absences of P and then the end of January P and I started dating, so it's like a reminder of all that was lost... February rolls around and it's full of A's birthday, Valentine's day (that usually doesn't bother me, but now that he's gone it does), then it's our wedding anniversary. So last year after the ER visit and having to go through all that, the birthday and the party, Valentine's day - seeing people go on dates and all that mushy stuff, then our anniversary... it just was a rough start for 2013.
This year I am hopeful. For the first time holidays were good... I mean really good. Thanksgiving was spent with people we love then Christmas and New Year's was spent with the family group of people at 4027. Anna and I made new memories and followed some old traditions. I found myself giving myself permission to let go of things that were P and I that didn't really fit me and A. A and I enjoyed time with each other and away from each other, even allowing myself to feel guiltless about enjoying my time without my daughter. Within a month I spent 8 days without her. It was fabulous!!!
Today after the Polar Vortex, A started school and we are back on a routine, which I am super pumped about. Yay!! Five and a half years later and you still find yourself at a new place you reached of life without the spouse. More and more the Lord is healing me and allowing me to continue to wrestle with him when needed.
Please pray for me:
1. To be diligent in my walk with the Lord and not fall into my pitfalls.
2. To finish well this things called grad school - Graduation date May 17.
3. To be wise in my parenting.
Please pray for A:
1. To continue to grow in God's word and have a hunger for it.
2. To grow intellectually at school.
3. To process well her life with a single parent, the grief, the joy, the pain and the fun of it all.
Happy New Year Everyone!!!
