all flesh is like the grass
the grass withers and fades away
all flesh is like the grass
the grass withers and fades away
the glory of man, like a flower
that shrivels in the sun and fails
the glory of man, like a flower
that shrivels in the sun and fails
but the word of the Lord
endures forever
the word of the Lord
endures forever
there would be times after his death that i would listen to this and cry not because it would remind me of him, but understanding the truth behind it. recently A and i heard a 5 minute clip from francis chan and he brought out a rope ... a really really long white rope and explained how that's our life. then he had about three inches of this really really long white rope wrapped in red tape and explained that the red part was our time on earth. brief...
my dad is in the hospital for about a week and a half now. he went in with pneumonia and is better, but due to other complications with his dementia he has had to stay in longer. i guess maybe that is what brought this thought on... or it could be that i find myself thinking at times what would happen if i die.... whatever the cause... our life on this earth is brief. it is like grass that withers, flowers that shrivels, and like vapor in the wind...
what do i want to say about this?? i'm not sure, but that it was on my heart and i wanted to get it out there. i was awakened the other day by a friend that told me, "you try so hard to no need help and make it seem like you got it all together... i mean come on it's been over five years..." something to that effect and totally sarcastic because i deserved it. i was doing exactly what she was saying... i didn't want to put up the "i'm needy" sign anymore because i thought that people would think, "come on get over it it's been over five years"... that pressure on myself has caused me a lot of grief... and one of it as my friend mentioned in the same conversation was not accepting tender loving care from people... that particular friend, AH, especially would offer us to come over for dinner or go some place with them and i would decline, with stupid excuses like not wanting to interfere with their family time... but really maybe it was my pride... anyway... this has gone a different direction but it really isn't.
i'm missing the point. God created us to live in community. He wanted the orphans and widows to be taken care of because he knew what they would need. God's desire wasn't for me to put up a front and say everything is okay, he wanted me to be vulnerable and humble before Him and people so that we could love one another, care for each other's needs. during new year's day i had a theological conversation with a friend, KM, and we were talking about a lot of different things, but then it got to the orphans and the widows and KM said something that struck me. he said how in the church there should not be single parents. i remember when we dedicated A and people promised to come along side P and i to raise A... it wasn't going to be just us... that's what KM was saying.
really in the end i am writing this for myself. life is short... E, you don't have to bear the burden of everything... i mean it sucks that you work so hard to raise A and she tells you she misses dad... and as much as you know that it's not because you are doing a bad job, but it's genuinely because she misses her dad, you can't help but feel what a loser you are for not being able to fill those shoes and be both to her. and you don't try to be dad and mom, but you kind of are so it hurts you... and that's when you go to your family of believers... that's when you are vulnerable and say how sucky this whole thing is.... that's when you write that nasty letter to your deceased spouse and tell him off... that's when you get on your knees and tell the Father drenched in tears, that's it's not by your strength, but the strength that He gives that you will be able to live this short life with wisdom, joy, grace and HOPE.
during pastor P's sermon this past sunday, i was struck by a few words...
BELIEVE
TRUST
DEPEND
i hadn't been doing it. maybe that's why my 2013 sucked like i had mentioned in the previous blog. maybe i started trusting myself, believing i could do it... depending on myself... no wonder my shoulders hurt all the time... bearing all this burden on myself instead of casting it all on Him... i was reading through John a while back... i can't remember when, but it was within the year and i was struck by how many times it has the word BELIEVE. i could probably find it in my journal somewhere... not that i stopped believing in God and the saving work He did through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, but i slowly shifted... not thinking i was depending on myself... but was... funny how Satan brings that deceit into our lives so slyly that you don't even realize that it's there. telling you... "oh no... that little thing, you could do that yourself" or "come on, just this once... it's not a big deal why pray about it"... all those lies.
today i heard on the radio how so many in this culture now don't need to pray or ask for God's provision anymore because of the "POWER OF THE PLASTIC" that gives us all that we need whether we need it or not, so our coming to God has decreased.
that's maybe where i was heading. so glad that through these past couple months and weeks, God has been seriously showing me my weaknesses and letting me bring them before Him... over and over again... in that i have found freedom... little by little feeling the burden lift from me and putting it at the foot of the cross for my Savior to take care of it.
perfection is demanded in this world and it is a perfection in the culture of busyness and chaos... i am not perfect and neither will i ever be until i am face to face with my savior at home... and i want to be okay with that.
i was reading through 1 thessalonians today and the good old verse stuck out to me... "... but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts" (2:4). i don't say what i am about to say out of disrespect, but out of the person i desire to be... i am not going to care what i think people will think... i am not going to hold down feelings because i think i should be over it... i am going to be true to who i am and where i am in life because those times of really looking at myself and revealing to God the things of my heart are i believe the times that He is testing me to see if i am going to run to Him or live as the world tells me to live.
i feel like there was no flow to this entry, but i send it out to the cyber world to release my heart of this burden.
