being a "big girl" mom

my daughter graduated from kindergarten today.  she has gone from not knowing how to read, write or do simple math to starting to read, writing her own stories (loves to draw pictures to go with it), and is doing adding, subtracting and simple multiplication problems (today she did 3x3).  she grew a ton and is the most beautiful girl in the world... inside and out.

A's teacher read eric carle's "a house for hermit crab" today and explained to the kids how they need to move on and have grown so much.  ugh... i know how true that is and i know it's a good thing.  i read a book about being a "big girl" mom and being a "big girl" as our children transition through normal phases of life.  i am okay with the whole thing, but it does bring new perspective into my life and... well she's growing up.  my baby who finally rolled over after a week of going half way and landing back on her back... my toddler who said, "pick you up" with her arms up toward you when she wanted to be lifted up... my 2 year old who sat at the chicago airport crying and telling me to go back to jakarta to get daddy... my little girl who told me, "mommy, God told me we should move back to indonesia"... my girl who read me a book before she went to bed...  my daughter who rubs my back when i tell her i'm tired, just like she likes it (i secretly love it too)...  mmm... i'm really lucky to have such a wonderful girl!!  and i'm so blessed at how God has grown her this year and look forward to seeing what God has in store for her... but it's a bitter sweet moment for me...

so from a half day kindergarten class... my daughter will be going to a full day first grade, lunch eating student... (deep breath)... i love this girl!!!

A's first day of school

A's last day of school

A and her teacher

balance...

Where I belong...


Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

Where I belong, where I belong
Where I belong, where I belong


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he32vwlKQPY&ob=av2n


this is a song that i had heard a while back and had taken notice desiring to live with that mindset, but today our music pastor sang it during offering and it hit home.  i have been wrestling with balancing hope and obedience.  as you guys know from my past posts, i have been letting go, letting loose and releasing things that i have been holding on to with a strong grip.  as i do this in obedience, i know that i still need to hold on to hope... loosely, as i have mentioned before.  so balancing hope in the midst of continued obedience because i believe in God's character... He is faithful and good... He is The Lord who is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion (Numbers 14:18).... He is true to His word and He has plans for us...  Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago (Isaiah 25:1).  i choose to trust, obey and continue to have hope.  in isaiah 26 it states: "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal."  as the Lord has been speaking to me on this issue, i found these verses so reassuring.  He has been showing me verse after verse on showing me who He is and what i need to do.  in psalm 84: 11-12, it says, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.  O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you."


going back to the song... the thing about obeying is that we do it because our life is not here... it's in the eternal and this is not where i belong... this is temporary... i have said this a lot... but it's true... so if i hold on to my plans, my desires, my comforts... then i'm only looking for pleasures in this temporary world... when it's just temporary ...  letting go for the eternal... if you go to...  www.bethelcommunity.org (bethel pm podcast) our pastor RB is currently doing a sermon series called, "Jesus behind closed doors"... the one for tonight is awesome and hits the topic of what i have been wrestling with and the song and much more... he's good!!!  


let's live a balanced life of hope and obedience remembering that this life is temporary and we need to be living for the eternal.  this is not our home... so don't get comfortable!!

going to listen

the Lord is good...  i decided to listen and follow God.  to explain i have to go back a little bit, but not a lot since my blog about "idols" explained a lot.  i decided to take my hands off my ears and listen to what God has been trying to tell me for a while.

when i was applying for grad school, i was in communication with the head of the department and during our discussion, she told me that instead of going the mental health counseling (MHC) route, she thought i should go the counseling ministries route.  in research, i found out the MHC route gave me a license after graduation and the counseling ministries route gave me ministry skills of counseling, but not the state qualifications of a licensed counselor, therefore leaning me toward MHC.  as i started my first semester, my friend and i began praying about whether we should continue with the MHC route because it wasn't really fitting with what we saw we were going to do in the future, which was ministry whether in the states or overseas.  the whole semester, she and i would discuss how we really wanted more spiritual stuff and not the psychology that was being taught.  we wanted to know how to apply it to ministry, but the licensing route really didn't fulfill that.  in the end, she went the counseling ministry route and i stuck with MHC because it gave me security after i was done.  i would have a license.  that to me was the responsible thing to do as a single mom.

this goes again to the blog about "idols"... i was worshipping security, comfort, my desire to be married... saying no to God or at least limiting God by saying that i wasn't going to go overseas alone again, so if i didn't find someone, i needed security of a good job.  all the while, my professors saw it, my friends saw and i heard it, but put my hands over my ears.  i wasn't going to use this for clinical practice, God was going to use this in ministry.

like i said before this semester was a pretty emotionally draining semester in many levels... and letting go of this strong grip i had of wanting things my way... was one of the hardest!!  these past couple weeks, God has been working in my heart to slowly let go of that grip and give Him back the total control of my life.  one action step in letting go was to change my master's program from MHC to counseling ministries.  i'm not in this for security or comfort or money at the end of my program, i'm it to use what i have for the glory of God...  that's what brings me joy.  this changes a lot of my plans...  but deciding to again to live one day at a time, hearing God's voice... because no matter what i plan, if the Lord does not ordain it, it's not going to happen... so i will hold on to my plans loosely (no more strong stubborn grips) and eagerly see what God does.

this is a side note, but one thing i realized was how much i enjoyed being overseas... it brought me utter joy and people saw that in me, but also continue to see it in me.  like i said before... one compliment i got was that i was a life giver... and i want to do that for others... and that could only happen in Christ!!!

there are a few confirmations of this decision, but one is my advisor.  when i went in to discuss this with my advisor i was a little nervous thinking he was going to try to sway me to stay with this program.  so i prayed that God would lead the discussion and that my advisor could really help me sort through this.  it was amazing how he affirmed me in who he saw me to be and how he thought it would be a better fit for me because he could see how counseling is in the peripheral for me and ministry is where my heart is.  he was so good with his questions... i really appreciated him.  afterward i was talking to one of my friends and she was talking about how the professors are really ones to push for MHC and not counseling ministries... hearing that i knew God was in this.  then i remembered how the head of the department was telling me that counseling ministries would better fit me from the beginning.

something else God reminded me of is that i have my teaching certificate.  if i ever need something to fall back on then i have that and He showed me how much He loved me by putting the bill in play and letting it pass so teachers like me who have let their certificate lapse over the years, could get it renewed with no penalty... all needs to happen by september of this year.  i already did it!!  so if i ever need to go back to the work force, then i have my teaching certificate to get me a job... and teaching floats my boat!!!

praise God, i have not wasted any classes, except one.  all my classes transfer over and Lord willing i will be done with my program next year!!

currently i am praying about an opportunity that was given to me for the summer.  it is really a good option for me in a number of different ways.  so please be praying for me for that!!  realizing when God moves, He moves in all areas of your life!!

so i decided to listen... let's see what happens together!

**my parents are in town... we have been really enjoying it.  here are some pictures.**

**good night everyone!!  enjoy the rain.  i'm on my balcony and love the smell of the rain falling.  better go in before it starts to really pour down.**

idols

thou shalt have no other gods before me.  thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.  thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.  the first three commandments.  it's totally old school language, but it's all about making God first.  these are the commandments that i have been living against in my life these past months...


this is how i describe it... you know how kids intentionally ignore you when you are trying to tell them something.  you know they hear you, but they just keep doing what they are doing with their backs turned toward you.  you know how sometimes you are some place and it's time to go and your kids put their heel down...


well that has been me.  God has been speaking to me about a few different things in my life and i have been doing all of the above.  i am embarrassed to say it, but it's so true and i like to be vulnerable, so here i go...


1.  Since last semester, I have been wrestling with what program I should be in, Mental Health Counseling (which I am currently in) and Counseling Ministries.  MHC is the one that gives me a license afterward and I thought I should go that way because ... well I wasn't going to go overseas by myself again, so if I am alone in the end, I need a job and that was the secure way to go.  All in the mean time, I heard God tell me not to worry about money, job, security (the idols I made in my heart)... I wasn't even going to consider going overseas by myself, so I needed a plan.  That's why I stuck with MHC this semester.  

2.  As you could hear in 1, I really do desire having a husband and daddy for A, hence not wanting to go overseas alone.  Since P and I had such a great relationship, I couldn't imagine not having another one.  That too, I felt like became an idol to me.  God was gently telling me that He had everything under control and wanted me to trust Him, and I put my heels deep into the ground and told Him I wasn't going to do anything except live here unless I got what I wanted.  And therefore ignored His voice.

3.  I was in 2 different class this semester and I knew that God was planting a seed in my heart, but didn't know what it meant.  The first one was in my psychopathology class.  We were talking about the different disorders and the causes of them as well as how we need to help them.  My heart became so heavy with the burden of these people who do not have hope in Christ.  The other one was in my skills class and again talking about how to help our future clients and stuff... I asked a question about sharing the gospel and just kept probing her on how and when it would be appropriate and she flat out said, "E if that's what you want to do, you're in the wrong program."  I had been forgetting... and making the comforts of the states an idol.

4.  In my reflections of the year here, I realized how much joy I felt when I was in Indonesia and how much life it gave me.  I have been very discontent with the complacency in the states and hated the fact that I was conforming to it a little bit.  I've always prayed that I would not get comfortable here and to always have a sense of urgency.  The comforts of the states started to be my idol.


the thing is this... i have felt so lost this semester because of the way i have been putting my hands over my ears and digging my heels deep into the ground.  the Lord has been clearly, but ever so gently bringing me back to where He wants me... in His will.   it has been a painful process, lots of tears and hopes deferred, but in the midst of all the pain, God has shown Himself good and faithful.  i will continue to trust in the character of God that i have seen and experienced in my life.  whether it is alone or with a husband... whether it is with a job in the states or going overseas... whether it is living in a hut or in a condo in the states... whatever it may be... i will trust and follow my God.... i will only look to Him... i will not waver for He knows and has already taken care of the desires of my heart!!  


please pray for me as i break these idols that i have built in my heart.  pray for me as i make changes to follow the will of my Father.  i want to have a good balance of having the desires of my heart and holding onto things loosely.  i want to abide in Christ and obey His every word as long as i have breath on this earth.  being lost this semester was one of the worst feelings in this world... probably even more than losing P... after P died, i knew still that God had a plan for me... this semester because i didn't want to hear it, i didn't know what was going to happen and that's what was scary...  but this is the thing...


1. i can't change who God has made me to be because i think it could be intimidating for guys that may possibly be interested in me.  God has made me the way i am and in the situation i'm in for His glory and just like P found me to be the cutest most wonderful person in the world, someone out there will see me as me and love me for me!!  some say that my situation, being a single mom, is a burden, but let me tell you... i am not going to believe that lie anymore and will not live as that lie is a part of me, no matter who does what or says what... A and i are the best thing that could happen to anyone, so let it be known... we are not a burden and A is not baggage!!!


2. i can't and won't go in a direction looking for security or comfort.  there are no such things as security and comfort unless i am in the will of God.  and security is not with money or material things like so many believe it to be... i would rather live in a hut eating bugs experiencing the joys that i could only feel by being in the will of God than be here experiencing manmade comfort trying to avoid any form of suffering making myself far from what God has for me.

3. i can't and won't keep closing my ears and digging my heels to the ground acting like a child throwing a tantrum.  as a parent i get a glimpse of what that feels like... you just think, "come on kid,  i know what's best for you... go to bed early so you could have a good day tomorrow..."  you know... God knows what's best for me... and sometimes it doesn't feel like He's really doing it the way i asked or wanted... i know as i'm only an earthly parent,  how i wish my daughter would listen to me sometimes... how much more a heavenly Father who knows all things would desire His daughter to listen to Him.  i will trust Him, listen to Him and obey Him.

there have been some things in life that you could get a glimpse of more by experiencing it... that is when you get married and when you have kids...  marriage is a picture of Jesus the bridegroom and His church the bride and when you get married... that is a picture of just that...  and having children is a small picture of how God feels about us and His heart for us... i have to say that these two experiences in my life have seriously helped me to see life differently, especially my relationship with God.

this has turned out to be a long blog... but as i have just finished my first year of grad school and especially this hard semester and seeing how much God has shown me, i wanted to share what's in my heart as a result of this year!!

tomorrow is my first day of freedom... my parents are here... i don't know if anyone knows this feeling, but i am so glad for a while i will be taken care of.  one of the things this semester the Lord has spoken to me was that i don't have to be strong.  it feels good to be able to  ask your mom and dad for help... be able to sit and have your mom make you food... sit next to your dad on the balcony and enjoy the view... i am going to rest for a while before summer school starts.  thank you Lord for parents.

good night.

it passed

a while back i put a prayer request for summer job... how i need my teaching license renewed and it could be easy (if the law passed) or a bit harder with having to take some classes...  well the bill passed!! yay!!  my summer is not turning out the way i planned, so we'll see what this all means.  but either way i'm going to renew my license!!  praise God!!!

boys

so this semester i have had an interesting experience.  i have been super careful since P's death to be a wise widow with good boundaries, especially living overseas wanting to protect myself.  coming back to the states was a culture shock for me in this department, if you think of where i came from, i think you could understand a little bit... the country i lived in, you really didn't look at the opposite sex in the eye let alone be in a room alone with them....  anyway being the program i am in, i felt really safe since the majority of my program are women.  there are a few men, most married.  so all that to say, this semester boys have been on the rise in my classes.

• my formation group had like four men, which my formation group last semester, besides my professor were all girls.
• my psychopathology class was a good even split between men and women.  
• my biblical theology and interpretations class was mostly men, since most of them were MDiv students.
• my counseling skills class was like 80 percent men.  

i remember when i started this semester, i was a little overwhelmed thinking what in the world is going on... i didn't quite know what to do with myself.  i remember this guy in my skills class giving me a fist bump one day and while i was doing it feeling awkward, not quite sure what to make of it.  i mean i had male students in indo, but clearly i was the teacher and like 10 years their senior, so no problems when i gave them a high five or whatever... here... it was weird.  didn't know what to do.  

this semester has been a learning experience for me and i had some really good safe people to help me along this path of dealing with boys.  that may sound funny to you, but i really didn't know what to do.  i guess right after P's death, it was more i felt like any contact with men was like a betrayal to P.  then as time went on, i didn't know how to interact, i was so vulnerable and didn't want to attach myself to anyone. then being overseas and living in the culture there it made it easier really... but still the states is something different.  so to be in a formation group with men and being vulnerable, sharing prayer requests and telling stories...  then to be in classes with men, talking and joking around with them.  one of my classes i had to be counseled by men and tell them my problems... and i was really hesitant about that.  but slowly as the semester went on, it got more comfortable and i made a few good friends through this process.  

the reason i am telling this story, one is just to let you know where i have been in this process and how i have been processing, but the other reason was to tell the funny story of today.

i was in the library from 9:30-5:30 today.  i studied for a test i will take tomorrow (which i hear is a killer and i'm kind of not sure if i'm ready for) and studied for a test i took today.  anyway... as i sat in my seat, i had a classmate come over and talk to me.  it was encouraging because he is in my formation group and has a similar story as me, so i really appreciate him.  a little after he left, a classmate from the class we were having a test that evening for came in and asked to sit and study with me.  again these guys in my class have slowly become comfortable safe friends... so he sat and we were studying.  then another guy from our class came over and asked to sit with us.  there we were the three of us studying... and interestingly enough, throughout the day, guys from our class came to sit and talk with us, joked around and left... we all went to eat lunch together.  one of the guys and i even went to the grocery store together for our potluck after our final.  the thing i reflect on is how before i would automatically start calculating if this was okay or not, what kind of message is being sent, feeling rather guilty of the whole situation or feeling awkward and just wanting to run from it...  i'm not saying i shouldn't be careful, but i'm saying... i have been missing out on good guy friendships.  

the last couple hours, we were all tired out from studying and started talking... and this is the whole point of the story... boys will be boys... it's kind of funny how i forgot how silly guys are.  so here i am finishing up looking over the last of my notes and the two guys in front of me with headphones in their ears are shaking with laughter, both looking at their own computers.  then they get my attention and tell me to go to www.howitshouldhaveended.com .  i went to it.  i watched two videos and was like... yeah don't think it's that funny.... i mean these guys were shaking and laughing really hard... i said, "i can't say that i liked it."  and one of the guys goes, "yeah it's dude humor."  and i just laughed.  

it was a good experience today.  the Lord has been growing me in many ways.  the thing is this... those guys have no idea that this was a struggle of mine, but through their genuineness and acceptance of who i am, they have changed me and unknowingly helped me get to a point where i am not overanalyzing every situation and planning my next move before i do anything...  in a safe environment, i am learning, i could be myself and let my hair down a little bit.  

i know there are those of you that are probably super nervous about this and want me to always be careful....  :)  i will always be careful... i'm learning that i don't have to have huge walls up to be careful.  

what's in a vimeo??

Here is a story...

http://vimeo.com/38033654

laminin

my world rocked after P died... then i watched this... this is exactly what i needed to rock it back... to start building my life back together (watch the short version that i haver here... guarantee you will want to find the original long version - it's good!!  actually just click on the one below the short version, i found it for you).  THIS is what i want to be about!!  Laminin!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0-NPPIeeRk  (short version)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=PtpTk2ENq7o  (full version)

my biggest blog fan

this is my friend JM (red).  we celebrated her "1/2 way to 70" birthday this past weekend.  she is one friend that is very sacrificial and enjoys serving people, which has been such a blessing.  she is probably my biggest blog fan.  i will put things on the blog and within the day i'll hear from her... she'll text me or something and let me know that she read it then give me input, encourage me or tell me she's praying.  i really appreciate her!!  so i thought i would dedicate this post to her for her birthday.  thanks for being my biggest fan!! thanks for taking care of me and being such a good aunt to A.  we love you and hope you enjoyed your birthday weekend!!  **ummm i am definitely not in the mood to study anymore.   let's do something fun this summer!!**

pictures from her surprise party

the kids had tons of fun!!

happy birthday JM!!

happy birthday aunt J!

passivity and trusting God

recently i had an interesting conversation with a classmate.  we were talking about men's sin of passivity.  i thought that was interesting, but then i remember the book i read called, "every woman's battle".  the author talked about how the woman's sin is control.  those two things really play together don't they?  so my classmate was just saying how men are naturally more passive, not really knowing or wanting to take action... then he mentioned what happened in the Garden.  intriguing huh?  i've been thinking about this... pondering just the ramifications of this in our society.  God says that men are the head of the household... how does that work if they are passive?  i'm not at all saying that all men are passive, but more that it could be their more natural tendencies.  for women it is to take control... again not all women are like this, but i think of the line from the movie "my big fat greek wedding" - "men are the head, but women are the neck that turns the head"- and that's how we as a society looks at it.  i've heard things like, "she's got him whipped" or "we know who's wearing the pants in that house"...  why am i saying this?  i don't know... i just thought of it.  it's an interesting concept...

the second half of my subject line... trusting God.  today in church PP talked about "by faith..." when the bottom drops out in your life how there is an upside of the adversity.  boy do i know what that means...  so here were the points and what i was thinking as the points were being stated...

1. by faith... obeying God, even when we don't know the specifics
• when God asked me to return to indo, i fought with Him, but He gave me psalm 37 and told me to trust Him.  so i went... not knowing where i was going to live, what i was going to do, who i would meet... i just went.  and the Lord showed me that He is worth obeying and trusting.  we got our old house back, i found a job and i met incredible people all the while.
2. by faith... waiting for God, even when we don't receive the answers in this life
• when P died, i had questions... still do at times, but the questions that i probably won't know until i see Jesus face-to-face are "what happened?", "why did it happen?", "how come so soon?", "what's the purpose in all this?"...  there are things that happened this semester and i think "what happened?" and some of the same questions, but even those won't be answered on this side of heaven.  the best thing is that i know my God is way bigger than any of the questions that i raise.  i just need to trust that God knows what's best for me and i need to continue to trust in His goodness and faithfulness that He has been showing me, for He is the same yesterday, today and forever.
3. by faith... stay confident in God, even when things seem impossible
• this has been a struggle for me that i think i have blogged about before... wanting to take things into my own hands (ha the woman in me... innate control?)  but i am continually abiding in Him and being confident not because i am anything or have done anything, but the spirit that resides in me continues to give me the confidence i need and speaks truths into my heart that i may not lean on anything else.
4. by faith... sacrificing for God, even when i costs us dearly.
• sometimes i think, "God you wouldn't ask me to give up anything else, would you?", but when i start thinking i always come back to the fact, as AH always says to me, "He got you through this darkness, you could go through anything and make it through the other side and you'll be fine."  it does hurt to sacrifice, but by faith when we obey, there is always blessings on the other side.

passivity and trusting God....

now that i think about it, P had some passivity in him.  funny thing, it was never toward me.  he was very assertive and confident and sure about me and toward me... but there were some things that he was passive about that drove me crazy.  :)  so even in the best of them, there is some passivity.  :)  ha ha...

let's not be passive and be active participants in trusting God - men and women alike.  :)

thoughts for the night before bed, after studying this evening.  tired and ready for finals to be over!!  please pray that i will be able to retain what i read and study.  please pray for my health as well as A's... still not 100%.

FB fast

i'm not sure if anyone has experienced this, but i spend too much time on facebook.... not only that.. i have had a pretty tough emotional semester for spring of 2012.  fb is used to detach me from what i need to work through and really abide and cling to God.  so for now i have deactivated my account.  i will post as many pictures and info about us on here, but i will not be on facebook.

if you need to contact please e-mail: zepenner@tiu.edu

that's it... i'm not sure how long this will be, but i want to work through some stuff and get my heart in the right place before i go back on.  :)  i feel like people will be worried as i re-read this, but it's nothing serious, just enough that i know i should separate myself right now from distractions and really discern His voice from the ones around me.  please pray for me as God puts us on your heart.

what have we got to lose?

after P died, i felt like i was going to do and try anything... what have i got to lose right?  i mean my husband died, that's pretty horrible, and i just thought i was going to conquer this world because i had the pizzazz.  nothing was going to stop me.  i tried lots of things, traveled more, went on roller coasters (which i really really hate - found out, i still don't like it, but it wasn't going to kill me), ran a 5K (still dislike running, but i guess i could do it), and the list could go on.  that attitude has been going away for some reason.  i find myself being more timid and fearful...  this semester, i have experienced a couple things with people and explored some things of my past, and in the end i realized that the pizzazz i had, the "what have i got to lose?" attitude has been gone.

my professor for my last formation group had us "sit in the moment"... just enjoy the people in the room, the food we were eating... not think of anything else.  what a gift.  as i was sitting there, i thought of some things that i would regret if i didn't deal with it soon.  i mean why live with regret when there is a now to deal with it, confront it, love through it, fight for it, and just sit in the moment...  i keep thinking, why wait... what have i got to lose?  i don't want to regret.  so all this to say... my pizzazz is back.  i'm not going to live a life of regret.

with that, i have continually this semester been learning about love.  how to love others well...  today i read in 1 corinthians 13:7 - love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.  

1. to bear = to support or hold up
2. to believe = to have confidence or faith in truth or to have confidence in the assertions of (a person)
3. to hope= to feel that something desired may happen; to place trust; rely
4. to endure = to support adverse force or influence of any kind; suffer withoutyielding; suffer patiently; to continue to exist

this is the kind of person i desire to be in Christ.  to be able to support and hold up all things (especially friends, family, loved ones)... to be able to have confidence in people that may never get a chance to be trusted... to place trust on situations, people, opportunities when others don't... to suffer patiently and continue to exist for people that do not have people that will do that for them...  because what have i got to lose, right?  a simple rejection or disagreement or put on hold... at least i'll know where it stands when i give it my all and love well.  


Lord continue to grow me and help me to live a life full of grace, love, joy, peace, freedom, healing, and laughter all in the beauty that surrounds me!!


**please pray for me as i enter a week of studying and finals!!**

me

so i went to my last classes of my first year of grad school on wednesday.  i still have three finals (1 is going to be a killer), but wanted to take this time to  reflect on this year.  last night after my long day, i went to our grad banquet/end of the year banquet.  it was so much fun!!

God has brought some really good people into my path in this program to walk with and be friends with.  i feel that some were especially brought from different places of the world, just for me.  i love seeing how God orchestrates our lives together and how in this season of my life, there are a few phenomenal people that have joined me for the journey.  the biggest thing i reflect on and one of the reasons why i am enjoying this program is that i am me.  yes people hear my story, but that doesn't define me to them.  through our interactions and our classes, these people are really seeing me.  i have been appreciating how i'm not living in P's shadow but that i'm me.  this is by no means because i am running from P or the memory of P, but that it's me.  this serious, passionate, God fearing woman that is fun, crazy, silly and loves to serve others.  and they love me for that!!  it's great having new friends, in the same program, working through the same things, studying for the same tests, and struggling with the same hard professors...

as i enjoy my new friends, i really appreciate my old friends.  they have been walking me through this program in prayer, emotional support and watching A.  they have always loved me for who i am... they are the ones that know who i was and who i am becoming.  i am so grateful for their love and support.

my first year of grad school has been full of transitions, news and olds, goodness, sadness, tears, laughter, joy, pain, encounters, growth, and challenges.  God has continually showed me His hand at work in my life and His faithfulness in this crazy life here on earth.  i can with confidence say that He is working in and through me... teaching me to live one day at a time and to trust in Him.  i have had a great year in this program and can't wait for summer classes to be done so that i could rest a little before fall semester.

here are some pictures to reflect my first year...

my "theories" class over for a christmas get together

my "wednesday" sisters (we used to meet on wednesdays to pray and keep accountability, now with schedule changes... it's a hit or miss)

i have so much enjoyed these ladies!!

my "skills" class on a walk on a beautiful spring day 

(the one in the middle is our prof - the one next to me)

my spiritual formation group

some of my classmates at the end of the year banquet!