boys

so this semester i have had an interesting experience.  i have been super careful since P's death to be a wise widow with good boundaries, especially living overseas wanting to protect myself.  coming back to the states was a culture shock for me in this department, if you think of where i came from, i think you could understand a little bit... the country i lived in, you really didn't look at the opposite sex in the eye let alone be in a room alone with them....  anyway being the program i am in, i felt really safe since the majority of my program are women.  there are a few men, most married.  so all that to say, this semester boys have been on the rise in my classes.

• my formation group had like four men, which my formation group last semester, besides my professor were all girls.
• my psychopathology class was a good even split between men and women.  
• my biblical theology and interpretations class was mostly men, since most of them were MDiv students.
• my counseling skills class was like 80 percent men.  

i remember when i started this semester, i was a little overwhelmed thinking what in the world is going on... i didn't quite know what to do with myself.  i remember this guy in my skills class giving me a fist bump one day and while i was doing it feeling awkward, not quite sure what to make of it.  i mean i had male students in indo, but clearly i was the teacher and like 10 years their senior, so no problems when i gave them a high five or whatever... here... it was weird.  didn't know what to do.  

this semester has been a learning experience for me and i had some really good safe people to help me along this path of dealing with boys.  that may sound funny to you, but i really didn't know what to do.  i guess right after P's death, it was more i felt like any contact with men was like a betrayal to P.  then as time went on, i didn't know how to interact, i was so vulnerable and didn't want to attach myself to anyone. then being overseas and living in the culture there it made it easier really... but still the states is something different.  so to be in a formation group with men and being vulnerable, sharing prayer requests and telling stories...  then to be in classes with men, talking and joking around with them.  one of my classes i had to be counseled by men and tell them my problems... and i was really hesitant about that.  but slowly as the semester went on, it got more comfortable and i made a few good friends through this process.  

the reason i am telling this story, one is just to let you know where i have been in this process and how i have been processing, but the other reason was to tell the funny story of today.

i was in the library from 9:30-5:30 today.  i studied for a test i will take tomorrow (which i hear is a killer and i'm kind of not sure if i'm ready for) and studied for a test i took today.  anyway... as i sat in my seat, i had a classmate come over and talk to me.  it was encouraging because he is in my formation group and has a similar story as me, so i really appreciate him.  a little after he left, a classmate from the class we were having a test that evening for came in and asked to sit and study with me.  again these guys in my class have slowly become comfortable safe friends... so he sat and we were studying.  then another guy from our class came over and asked to sit with us.  there we were the three of us studying... and interestingly enough, throughout the day, guys from our class came to sit and talk with us, joked around and left... we all went to eat lunch together.  one of the guys and i even went to the grocery store together for our potluck after our final.  the thing i reflect on is how before i would automatically start calculating if this was okay or not, what kind of message is being sent, feeling rather guilty of the whole situation or feeling awkward and just wanting to run from it...  i'm not saying i shouldn't be careful, but i'm saying... i have been missing out on good guy friendships.  

the last couple hours, we were all tired out from studying and started talking... and this is the whole point of the story... boys will be boys... it's kind of funny how i forgot how silly guys are.  so here i am finishing up looking over the last of my notes and the two guys in front of me with headphones in their ears are shaking with laughter, both looking at their own computers.  then they get my attention and tell me to go to www.howitshouldhaveended.com .  i went to it.  i watched two videos and was like... yeah don't think it's that funny.... i mean these guys were shaking and laughing really hard... i said, "i can't say that i liked it."  and one of the guys goes, "yeah it's dude humor."  and i just laughed.  

it was a good experience today.  the Lord has been growing me in many ways.  the thing is this... those guys have no idea that this was a struggle of mine, but through their genuineness and acceptance of who i am, they have changed me and unknowingly helped me get to a point where i am not overanalyzing every situation and planning my next move before i do anything...  in a safe environment, i am learning, i could be myself and let my hair down a little bit.  

i know there are those of you that are probably super nervous about this and want me to always be careful....  :)  i will always be careful... i'm learning that i don't have to have huge walls up to be careful.