thou shalt have no other gods before me. thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me. the first three commandments. it's totally old school language, but it's all about making God first. these are the commandments that i have been living against in my life these past months...
this is how i describe it... you know how kids intentionally ignore you when you are trying to tell them something. you know they hear you, but they just keep doing what they are doing with their backs turned toward you. you know how sometimes you are some place and it's time to go and your kids put their heel down...
well that has been me. God has been speaking to me about a few different things in my life and i have been doing all of the above. i am embarrassed to say it, but it's so true and i like to be vulnerable, so here i go...
1. Since last semester, I have been wrestling with what program I should be in, Mental Health Counseling (which I am currently in) and Counseling Ministries. MHC is the one that gives me a license afterward and I thought I should go that way because ... well I wasn't going to go overseas by myself again, so if I am alone in the end, I need a job and that was the secure way to go. All in the mean time, I heard God tell me not to worry about money, job, security (the idols I made in my heart)... I wasn't even going to consider going overseas by myself, so I needed a plan. That's why I stuck with MHC this semester.
2. As you could hear in 1, I really do desire having a husband and daddy for A, hence not wanting to go overseas alone. Since P and I had such a great relationship, I couldn't imagine not having another one. That too, I felt like became an idol to me. God was gently telling me that He had everything under control and wanted me to trust Him, and I put my heels deep into the ground and told Him I wasn't going to do anything except live here unless I got what I wanted. And therefore ignored His voice.
3. I was in 2 different class this semester and I knew that God was planting a seed in my heart, but didn't know what it meant. The first one was in my psychopathology class. We were talking about the different disorders and the causes of them as well as how we need to help them. My heart became so heavy with the burden of these people who do not have hope in Christ. The other one was in my skills class and again talking about how to help our future clients and stuff... I asked a question about sharing the gospel and just kept probing her on how and when it would be appropriate and she flat out said, "E if that's what you want to do, you're in the wrong program." I had been forgetting... and making the comforts of the states an idol.
4. In my reflections of the year here, I realized how much joy I felt when I was in Indonesia and how much life it gave me. I have been very discontent with the complacency in the states and hated the fact that I was conforming to it a little bit. I've always prayed that I would not get comfortable here and to always have a sense of urgency. The comforts of the states started to be my idol.
the thing is this... i have felt so lost this semester because of the way i have been putting my hands over my ears and digging my heels deep into the ground. the Lord has been clearly, but ever so gently bringing me back to where He wants me... in His will. it has been a painful process, lots of tears and hopes deferred, but in the midst of all the pain, God has shown Himself good and faithful. i will continue to trust in the character of God that i have seen and experienced in my life. whether it is alone or with a husband... whether it is with a job in the states or going overseas... whether it is living in a hut or in a condo in the states... whatever it may be... i will trust and follow my God.... i will only look to Him... i will not waver for He knows and has already taken care of the desires of my heart!!
please pray for me as i break these idols that i have built in my heart. pray for me as i make changes to follow the will of my Father. i want to have a good balance of having the desires of my heart and holding onto things loosely. i want to abide in Christ and obey His every word as long as i have breath on this earth. being lost this semester was one of the worst feelings in this world... probably even more than losing P... after P died, i knew still that God had a plan for me... this semester because i didn't want to hear it, i didn't know what was going to happen and that's what was scary... but this is the thing...
1. i can't change who God has made me to be because i think it could be intimidating for guys that may possibly be interested in me. God has made me the way i am and in the situation i'm in for His glory and just like P found me to be the cutest most wonderful person in the world, someone out there will see me as me and love me for me!! some say that my situation, being a single mom, is a burden, but let me tell you... i am not going to believe that lie anymore and will not live as that lie is a part of me, no matter who does what or says what... A and i are the best thing that could happen to anyone, so let it be known... we are not a burden and A is not baggage!!!
2. i can't and won't go in a direction looking for security or comfort. there are no such things as security and comfort unless i am in the will of God. and security is not with money or material things like so many believe it to be... i would rather live in a hut eating bugs experiencing the joys that i could only feel by being in the will of God than be here experiencing manmade comfort trying to avoid any form of suffering making myself far from what God has for me.
3. i can't and won't keep closing my ears and digging my heels to the ground acting like a child throwing a tantrum. as a parent i get a glimpse of what that feels like... you just think, "come on kid, i know what's best for you... go to bed early so you could have a good day tomorrow..." you know... God knows what's best for me... and sometimes it doesn't feel like He's really doing it the way i asked or wanted... i know as i'm only an earthly parent, how i wish my daughter would listen to me sometimes... how much more a heavenly Father who knows all things would desire His daughter to listen to Him. i will trust Him, listen to Him and obey Him.
there have been some things in life that you could get a glimpse of more by experiencing it... that is when you get married and when you have kids... marriage is a picture of Jesus the bridegroom and His church the bride and when you get married... that is a picture of just that... and having children is a small picture of how God feels about us and His heart for us... i have to say that these two experiences in my life have seriously helped me to see life differently, especially my relationship with God.
this has turned out to be a long blog... but as i have just finished my first year of grad school and especially this hard semester and seeing how much God has shown me, i wanted to share what's in my heart as a result of this year!!
tomorrow is my first day of freedom... my parents are here... i don't know if anyone knows this feeling, but i am so glad for a while i will be taken care of. one of the things this semester the Lord has spoken to me was that i don't have to be strong. it feels good to be able to ask your mom and dad for help... be able to sit and have your mom make you food... sit next to your dad on the balcony and enjoy the view... i am going to rest for a while before summer school starts. thank you Lord for parents.
good night.
