More Sauls

A and I pray around the world most nights.  We take her globe and put our finger on a country and pray for it. Of course having lived in a country that we truly love, our prayers are a bit more specific.  The other day I was reading in Acts and I had this epiphany and prayed.  I prayed for more Sauls in the country we once called home.  There is persecution of the church there... burned to the ground, assaults, and threats... And as I read in Acts how Saul was one of those who went around looking for believers to bring them down and had a desire to get rid of all of them... I thought how amazing our God is and how He brought Saul into His kingdom.  As soon as Saul became a follower of Christ, his life was in danger... ironic how his life became that of those he was after.  So I ask that you pray this with me.  The Sauls of the world to come to Christ and be amazing agents for the kingdom.

Some Christmas pictures

Driven

As I think about this year I wonder what drives me...  Some are driven by love, jealousy, fear, pride, shame, honor, respect...  Here are some things that drive me...

1.  I want more of Him and less of me.  I journal about this often... my life, my attitude, my everything... I want it to be about Him and not me.

2.  I don't want to mess up as a mom.  The fear of messing up my baby drives me to strive to be a good mom.  Learn all I can and do all I can for this child the Lord has entrusted me with.

3.  I am not clear of the future, but I can't wait to see what the Lord does.  I am taking this one day at a time...  school has started, but after that I'm not sure yet I have great expectations as to what will be and in order to see that, I am driven to do well.

4.  I continue to learn about myself.  I am a child of God, but there are many pieces that make me who I am in Him...  And as I continue to grow and learn about the person that God has molded me to be is an adventure.  I am a third culture kid...  and being 100% Korean and 100% American is a difficult thing and continues to be a challenge as I weigh out the cultures, traditions and values of both cultures and form it into who I want me to be.  Along with that I also have many things I have experienced in life that make me who I am and the person the Lord uses for His kingdom.  I pray I will do all I can do in what the Lord has invested in me and that is a driving factor in my life.

These are just some thoughts that I had...

being a widow... the help that comes with it

Scripture commands the church to take care of the orphans and the widows.  I have been truly blessed by those within the body that have risen to the occasion and taken care of us.  But ... I think of those God has brought into my life that aren't in the body that He has used to bless my life.  Today I got a phone call from Indonesia telling me that one of my favorite neighbors has passed away.

This man after A and I moved back to Indonesia was a man that took such good care of us.  He would walk up to our house twice a day and make sure we were okay.  If our gate was open he would  close it back up and would yell at the kids if they were bothering us and tell them that they are too loud.  He was the oldest man in our neighborhood and everyone listened to him.  He would always sit in front of his house smoking his pipe and yelling at kids.  People would always tell me to be careful, but with him around I felt safe.  I knew he was watching out for us.  

Today I got a call telling me that he wanted to hear about Jesus in his last days.  The people that live in our old house spent his last days with him, telling him about the Jesus we love and helping take care of him.  

I sit here late at night... mourning his death.  I'm so sad... Tonight I cry because I could hear his voice and so thankful for the way God has brought this wonderful man into my life to protect me in the days that I needed it the most.  From our very first year in Indonesia, he sat on his porch...  waving every time we went by.  As our language got better, P would sit and talk with him...  When it was just me and A, he took extra care of us.  Thank you!!!

Good-bye Pak (Mr.) A.

Reflections

I am devoting these next few days as days of reflection.  As I have just finished my first semester of grad school and ending a calendar year, I was reminded by my tehteh (older sister), TB,  that I should spend some time in journaling and blogging of such thoughts and reflections.

One thing I have learned this year is that we cannot hold the world to the standards that scriptures give.... they do not know it.  My friend BB from school and I were talking about this one day after class... in politics and in society, the Christians criticize the world for such things as homosexuality, abortions, drugs... whatever it is and tell them they are being unmoral... what is moral to a generation that has none?  What is sacred to a generation that has traded natural for the unnatural?  How can we expect those who do not know truth to live by the truth?  This is exactly why we are to be the salt and light of the world.  This is exactly why we are to be an image of Christ.  Today I read Acts 4 : 29-31...

"And now, Lord, look upon their threats and grand to your servants to continue to speak your word with all boldness, while you stretch out your hand to heal, and signs and wonders are performed through the name of your holy servant Jesus.  And when they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak the word of God with boldness."

Pastor RB, tonight mentioned how the Christians are so worried that the world has "hijacked" the meaning of Christmas that the pulpit is used to talk about the "hijacking", which makes us "hijack" our own meaning of Christmas... looking outward to how others aren't doing it right.  The thought that came to mind as I listened to RB tonight was again the fact that those out there don't know what the true meaning of Christmas.  Yes they may watch Charlie Brown's Christmas on TV and get the Luke 2 message, but that really doesn't mean anything... because we, ourselves, are sold by the commercialism of this whole thing.

I say what I am about to say to myself and not just to others... If we look at the above verses, the prayer is lifted up because there are threats.  These apostles have just been released after having been questioned and the high people have just told them that if they share about this Jesus again, there will be some serious punishments.   How many of us find ourselves even needing prayer like this?  I mean seriously how many of us have shared and are getting threats like that... none... but the fact of the matter is we aren't sharing because there are those unspoken threats... if we are religious and come across as Jesus freaks... people at work aren't going to hang out with us, we'll lose friends, we'll be named the Jesus freak, people may walk the other way when they see you coming toward them... I mean those are threats and some serious ones.  Who wants to be the reject in the office and the one without friends?? No one... So we keep our mouths shut.

The apostles in these verses are praying for boldness.  Something I lack to pray for.  I think of the times I prayed for boldness and it has shaken my world.... just as the apostles felt after their prayer...  Things happen when we pray.  And I just think as I reflect on this year... I cannot continue to judge those of the world with standards of God...  they don't know it.  My job is to tell them, I mean that's why this season is here right?

Tonight on the way home from church I thought of how this time last year, I was making plans to come to the states for grad school.  I was talking to my friend, the real estate agent, at housing options and going on TIU's campus trip... On the way to Indonesia, we visited some friends in Amsterdam and made some really good memories.  Our final months in Indonesia went by as it filled with anticipation and pain.  We moved here in April... So much has happened since then, but that will be for tomorrow's reflections.

favs

A and I have new favorites that I wanted to share with you.  I have been so blessed by my favorite song and I love when A sings her new favorite songs.  I really enjoy the Names of God in Hebrew.  I don't know it just really speaks to my heart as I sing these praises.  They are powerful.  They have been out for a while, especially A's, but so good.  Just wanted to share... A distraction to my procrastinating self from studying for tests!!!  :)


At Your name (my fav)

At Your name, mountains shake and crumble
At Your name, the oceans roll and tumble
At Your name, angels will bow
The earth will rejoice, Your people cry out

Lord of all the earth we'll shout Your name, shout Your name
Filling up the skies with endless praise, endless praise
YAHWEH, YAHWEH, We love to shout Your name, O Lord
]
At Your name, the morning breaks in glory
At Your name, creation sings Your story
At Your name, angels will bow
The earth will rejoice, Your people cry out

Lord of all the earth we'll shout Your name, shout Your name
Filling up the skies with endless praise, endless praise
YAHWEH! YAHWEH! We love to shout Your name, O Lord
X2

We love to shout Your name, O Lord

At Your name, angels will bow
The earth will rejoice, Your people cry out

Forever I will love You
Always I will love You
Forever I will love You
You have won my heart

I will sing for You

El Shaddai (A's fav)El Shaddai, el shaddai
El-elyon na adonia
Age to age you're still the same
By the power of the name
El shaddai, el shaddai
Erkamka na adonai
I will praise and lift you high
El shaddai

Through your love and through the ram
You saved the son of Abraham
Through the power of your hand
You turned the sea into dry land
To the outcast on her knees
You were the God who really sees
And by your might
You set your children free

El shaddai, el shaddai
El-elyon na adonia
Age to age you're still the same
By the power of the name
El shaddai, el shaddai
Erkamka na adonai
I will praise and lift you high
El shaddai

El shaddai, el shaddai
El-elyon na adonai
Age to age you're still the same
By the power of the name
El shaddai, el shaddai
Erkamka na adonai
I will praise and lift you high
El shaddai

Through the years you've made it clear
That the time of Christ was near
Though the people couldn't see
What Messiah ought to be
Your most awesome work was done
Through the frailty of your son

I will praise and lift you high
El shaddai

The C word

Last week on Thursday, I was scheduled to have a cleaning at the dentist.  I usually go to RP in Kansas when we go to visit, but this Christmas is not going to be at their place, so I figured I should get it done.  As I was getting examined, my dentist noticed a dark spot in my mouth.  I told her it had been there for a while, at least 5 years when P first noticed it.  She poked around that told me that I should go see an oral pathologist for a check up.  I kept pressing for an answer... and she said it could be amalgam tattoo (which is from the silver fillings when I was little) or melanoma (skin cancer).

I started to freak out of course and came home to look up the two and other possibilities.  The next day I had an appointment with my family doctor anyway, so I waited to ask what she thought.  She told me that I should get it checked too.  So I called UIC and made an appointment and spent the weekend in deep thought.

I'll tell you a little bit about myself.  I'm a planner.  I like to have a plan and not have too many questions floating around.  My idea of taking care of it is telling close friends who will pray with me and not ask too many questions, then wait for the results, have a plan then tell people.  :)

Tuesday I drive almost 2 hours down to the Medical district to the UIC oral dentistry place.  I had to medical students examine my mouth and then have the head doctor come and examine me.  All this effort to tell me I have a mole in my mouth.  Seriously.  I spent a few days having some seriously crazy thoughts about how if I did have something like cancer it will affect me and those around me.

The good thing about the whole process is how God has really used it to bring perspective into my life.  We really don't know the number of our days.  I started thinking of all I wanted to do, all I wanted to say to different people, all the things that need to be done and stuff like that... but the thing is, if I live life as if there is no tomorrow everyday, my life would be so different and so much more meaningful.  Before all this I had started praying for some specific direction, but during and afterward it was a little bit more passionate... and I feel that God has already started putting together some awesome opportunities to serve Him.  I'm praying and ask that you pray with me.

A group effort...

So I'm working on getting my MA in Mental Health Counseling.  I am having so much fun in classes and even doing research is fun... lots of work, but fun nonetheless.  I wish there was more time in the day sometimes so I could get my work done and have enough energy to do other things.  But I have to say that when I get my degree, it needs to be cut up and distributed to all those people who help with A so that I could study and do my work.  Friends and family have really stepped up in helping me out and I am so thankful.  To all of you who have helped or will help in the future... I could not be doing this without you.

Yesterday we had a baby shower to go to and afterward SC and SC took A for the day so that I could work on my research paper.  I sat reading article after article while A was with the couple having tons of fun... so much fun that she didn't even want to come home with me.  SC (the man) was a high school friend of P's and SC (the woman) is P's second cousin and when I was talking to A about spending the day with them, I mentioned that SC (the man) lived with daddy longer than mommy had, she lit up and got really excited.  What a blessing to have not only this couple but others who love us, want to be a part of A's life and who have a history with P that P could still stay alive in A's heart in many different ways.

I am so thankful for the uncles in her life!!  I am thankful for aunts too, but because A doesn't get much time with men, I think it's just so important for her to have those fun crazy uncles that makes forts with her and takes her on adventures to outer space and to Christmas land...  Thanks guys for not only helping with my schooling, but filling a part of A's life!!!

Achoo and sniffle sniffle...

Yes I'm sick.  The sniffle sniffle is a little underrated... seeming that I had tissued stuck up my nose most of the day.  It started with a sore throat last night... then this morning it exploded.  I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for today anyway and so after that, I came home and slept.  My poor daughter... but praise God for redbox.  After I picked her up, we went to redbox and got something for her to watch, actually a few somethings for her to watch.  I was laying on the couch and she happily watched her movies, colored, played and "took care of mommy" in that way.

I have a test I need to take by Wednesday.  I haven't but studies 2 out of the 5 chapters and I don't know... I should probably sleep so I could work tomorrow, but...

When I moved to Indo in 2009, AB, TB and I sat down to see what my life should look like there.  We broke down the day as to how much I needed to invest in each of my roles... I remember AB specifically telling me to set aside time to blog.  He told me that it was  a vital part of my life and I should keep it up.  I'm so glad he did.  And as I reflect on the past 6 months back in the states, I really haven't set aside that time.  I would do it here and there, but it wasn't frequent enough.  Honestly this is a really good place for me to talk about my feelings and vulnerabilities and my processes.  So I hope that as this semester winds down and I look to the next, I will remember that blogging is a vital part of my life.

I've been reading through John.  I don't know if I said this or not, but I was reading through Psalms for about a month and at some point, I sensed the Lord wanting me to move away from that book and into a book that was about Jesus.  So  I chose John.  As I read through John, I realize that in some way I was being David.  In Psalms, David talks a lot about wanting God to save him from his misery.  As one of my professors said, David was depressed and cried out to God.  And as I reflect even in my journaling, I was having a kind of "woe is me" attitude and wanting God to save me.  But from what??  That's exactly it...

The book of Psalms helped me so much after P died.  I read those verses and found so much hope and my heart knew exactly what the author was pleading for.  But I'm not in that dark place anymore, yet as I was reading it, my heart went to that place... the place it was almost three and a half years ago in desperation.  Making me sad and feeling alone and the whole "woe is me".

John has been making my heart beat in a new way.  I love Jesus...  I love His power and truth.  I love that He loves those who are broken, unworthy, the lowly and the outcasts... me.  I love that I have life through the Father.  I was reading John this morning and I couldn't put it down.  I mean how amazing are the words...

"If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink.  Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has sad, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'"

"You judge according to the flesh; I judge no one.  Yet even if I do judge, my judgment is true, for it is not I alone who judge, but I and the Father who sent me."

"Whoever is of God hears the words of God.  The reason why you do not hear them is that you are not of God."

"Truly, truly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I am."

I could go on, but seriously He has power.  What gets me every time I read these verses is that He has given me the power.  I fall so short.  I love how His words have been penetrating my heart.  I told you I wept the whole time I was reading chapter 6 of John.

There was a time when my whole motto in life was "More of You less of me".  I've gotten away from that somehow in the crazyness of life and I want to go back to it.  God more of you and less of me.

In one of my classes this week, we talked about how we picture heaven...  During this past month or so, as I drive up to school and see the beautiful fall leaves, I take a mental note of it and smile because I know heaven is going to be so much more than that.  I look at the sun rising from my window and I smile because I know in heaven it's going to be so much better.  I look at my daughter and smile because I know she's excited to go to heaven to see Jesus, see daddy and play with the lions.

I want my perspective in life to be about His kingdom.  I lost sight of that in this busy crazy life.  That's Satan's schemes to make me lose focus on what really matters and make me think I'm actually doing something that matters.

I live in the suburbs...  I went down to Chicago, the city, a few times this past month and every time I was reminded of the needs of this world.  People sitting on the streets, soup kitchens, pregnancy centers, beggars...  Lord let me be about You and your Kingdom!!

the view of the sun rising from my balcony

Bread of life

Through the storms of tests and papers, I find myself heading toward another storm of tests and papers.  But can you believe that this semester is 2/3 over and then it'll be vacation time!!!  woo hoo!!!

Today I had a really good quiet time... John chapter 6 is all I want to say.  I wept with joy and full of thankfulness as I read through this chapter.  You should read it.

5th floor wonders

we live on the 5th floor of our condo that overlooks a bank parking lot, but if you look out to the distant you can see the chicago skyline. i love having our balcony doors open and letting the wind blow in.  and the good thing about the 5th floor is that it's high up, so even though it's cold out, it's hot in here and because our condo faces the sun most of the day.  i really like our place and am so thankful for God's provision of this place.  one of the things we saw from our balcony that i absolutely love is...

this reminds me of the promises that the Lord has given me.  i love seeing rainbows because i feel like God through these rainbows not only reminds me of His promises but also His beauty.  i enjoy watching God's beauty around me and it takes my breath away seeing beauty like that... like this rainbow... and it brings hope to me... that God is making my life that beautiful... even in the midst of midterms, papers, emotional rollercoasters, heartaches and troubles... ERP is a beautiful creation of God.  

if i could describe how my life is now as a season, i feel like it is fall... all the changing, the falling out of the dying leaves, some branches that lay bare in the cold... and i eagerly wait for winter to pass so that the warm spring weather could bring the beautiful new growth of the stuff that died out.  God is really working in my heart in a lot of different ways, having me reflect on Him and my heart, directing me to what i need to invest in and what i need to let go...  fall is a beautiful season...  it's a season where all you can do is wait and hope for the change to occur.  

these are the thought of a girl on the 5th floor.  

Blessings

Last week was a terror.  BUT thank you for your prayers.  It ended well and in the end, I was blessed with two extra days off for the beginning of this next coming week.  I got an e-mail canceling my one class on Monday and Tuesday is the National day of prayer, so we classes are canceled for us to have good prayer time.

So yes last week was tough... emotionally, physically and spiritually...  but Thursday after all my work was complete, I attended chapel.  This week was special because Urbana band was there to lead worship.  It was utterly amazing to be with the body of believers praising and praying together... I felt like I was in heaven.  It was beautiful.  We praised and at one point we were praising in different languages... It was so uplifting.  I realized, I need more of that in my life!!!

Thank you so much for those of you who prayed for me!!!

One thing I would like to ask prayer for before I close... Please pray for A.  As the Halloween season is here... there are lots of images that are scary and she's been losing sleep over this, which also means poor mama is losing sleep.  Please pray that she will sleep well at night and she will hold tight to the truth that God says, "fear not for I am with you."

Thank you seriously for continued prayers.  I could feel them!!!

Please Pray

I sit here in front of the computer coveting your prayers.  I have been feeling very overwhelmed for the past few days with the responsibility of wearing so many different hats... super mom, student who finishes work, helping out at A's school, wanting a life : to be able to hang out with friends, homemaker, and so on.  It's takes my breath away.  I was talking to a classmate today and I felt so good that she too felt like having a panic attack.  That's me.  I have a lot of school work to do, but also life is still here...  A wants to carve a pumpkin, play, read books... I have to cook dinner and do dishes (although today I got home and KB had done the dishes... Thanks girl!!!)... laundry, clean the house... relax and take a breather...

So that's what I do now as I ask for prayer... I need an extra boost to get over this hump... mid semester and so much is coming up due fast.

Okay back to work... or maybe sleep.

Listen and you will hear...

Today after church, I came home by myself.  A wanted her friend to come over and since I had midterms I told her no, but then the mom of her friend, who is also a good friend of mine, SR, said that she would take A instead.  So I got to drive home on my own.  The drive is not long, with traffic the longest it would take is like 20 minutes.  I prayed on the way home of some things on my heart and for others that came to my mind...  And as I ended my time of prayer this hymn hit me strong.  


Here is love vast as the ocean

Here is love vast as the ocean, loving kindness as a flood
On the mount of crucifixion, fountains opened deep and wide
When the prince of life our ransom, shed for us His precious blood
Through the floodgates of God’s mercy, flowed a vast and gracious tide

Who his love will not remember, who can cease to sing His praise?
Grace and love like mighty rivers, flowed a incessant from above
He will never be forgotten, throughout heaven’s eternal days
Heavens peace and perfect justice, kissed a guilty world with love.

I came home and looked up these words.  Here it is... God's love is vast as an ocean.... I mean you could read the lyrics yourself.  It's something else isn't it... the promises and truths of God. Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God!!!

Beautiful night

I like sending things out to the unknown world of internet.  Somehow I feel like I am being heard and get to release all that I want to talk about.

These past few nights I have had some really good dates with Jesus.  Sitting in my green big comfy chair talking to Jesus about the things in my heart and asking Him what He thinks.  It's been a great time with Him.

Tonight I sit out on my balcony looking out into the dark sky and it's beautiful with the patches of white clouds still up there.  Far out in the distance I could see the lights of the tall buildings that surround my favorite city of Chicago.  It's beautiful as I sit here.  Such a still quiet night, despite the cars buzzing by my street.

This blog has been a place I come to in order to be vulnerable.  I remember times when people would come up to me and say how they read my blog and were praying for me.  Not sure how many are still interested now that the storm is over, but I want to continue to be vulnerable because although the storm is over, the after effects of it still reside in my life as well as A's life.

These days I have been thinking of my journey and just in amazement of how far we have come.  Maybe it is because soon my life without P will be longer than with him as married people and that just seems to have a reflective effect to my heart.  I think of how good our marriage was and how God was in it from the beginning.  I loved the way P lead our family and never wavered at that task, but still was able to vulnerable and broken with me.  I think God could not have brought a more perfect person in my life to help me, even after he was gone, through some of the toughest times of my life.

It's funny how prideful this may sound, but I don't mean this at all in a prideful way...  I have grown and have become such a big godly girl in God's eyes.  I still have so much to grow, but really I am at such a better place in my life in so many different ways.

As I reflect in the past, I wonder about the future and some days I do get paralyzed at the thought of being single for the rest of my life.  This is not at all because I don't think I could do it because with God all things are possible and again not to be prideful but God and I have done quite well thus far.  Yet I so enjoyed married life, that I can't imagine not having it again.  I long and desire a partner, I want someone that I could make decisions with, I desire a daddy for A, I long to sit on this balcony with someone and share the beauty of the night under this nice fluffy blanket, I want to sit on the couch all snuggled and watch a movie, I want Friday night dates...  All these things and more I so much long for.

I know I've wrote this before on previous blogs desiring this, but this time I would really like to ask you, whoever you are that still reads this, to pray for me.  I want to be content in whatever situation, but still have a healthy desire for what is natural.  God designed us to desire the opposite sex, so I know I'm not abnormal...  but I would like to see this happen soon.  Let me tell you I ain't getting any younger.  At 31, I think how my biological time is ticking.  :)  I would love to have more kids.  I remember when I told P that I wanted 10 kids, he said, "Let's see.  One at a time."  ha ha... I'm not crazy enough to have 10 kids, but I have always wanted lots of kids, adopted, foster, whatever... at one point I visioned having a home where people knew they could drop off their kids no questions asked and I would take care of them, of course this is in Indo not here... it wouldn't fly.

I have dreams and a vision, but not to say that God can't do it, but it's hard as a single-parent.  And one day, when I get a job and A is older perhaps this could all still be a possibility, but I am a firm believer that children need both parents, so if I could provide A with a daddy... SCORE!!!

A couple weeks ago, in the car I was praying and God put on my heart to wrestle...  I remembered the story of Jacob and how he wrestled with the Lord all night til the Lord blessed him.  And I felt a strong desire to wrestle with the Lord, of course not like Jacob, but to be fervently pray for this particular subject until I get confirmation... either I am to be single for however long the Lord desires or that He will bring someone along.  (Obviously I am to be single now, but I would like Him to take this desire away if it is not to happen.)

My sweet A would also like to see this happen.  One night she asked me, "Mom, how come God is not answering our prayer.  We've been praying a long time for a daddy and we still don't have one."  A couple nights ago A said, "Mommy, if I get new daddy then I will have a new last name and I will have three grandmas and grandpas."  And I just want to wrestle harder...  She is so into this too...  Her desire is big as well as mine.

So on this beautiful Friday night, as my heart longs to be out on a wonderful date, I covet your prayers that one day soon that day will come.

My friend told me the other night how she thinks P will be laughing at the conversation that we were having, which was what this blog is about.  I think he will be and I'm sure he's praying for just the right man to come along to take care of his girls.

for some reason

today was the first day of fall break, which to me means that i do not have to go to one class.  this morning i got some school work done that i needed to catch up on which was great.  then i went down to moody to surprise A with a visit with her uncle.  it was a fun surprise and they had a great date.  thank MP for loving on her!!

on the way home, A fell asleep so as i drove i kind of did some thinking and for some reason... i remembered days where i could not sleep and days where i thought tomorrow would take forever to come.  i remembered taking naps and dreaded the feeling of waking up to the same day.  i remembered tears soaking up my pillows and the fear that came to facing the next day.  how did i make it?  and here i am... those days seems so far away, but are so still close to my heart.  going through those days are what made me who i am today...  

now i think wow i made it through...  God thank you for your faithfulness... your goodness...  

Navy Pier

7 years ago on October 2, I got engaged to the man of my dreams.  This year the date came and went and I didn't even think about it.  At first guilt overtook me, but then I thought, wow I'm actually moving on.  I spent that day with JM at the bear's game and had so much fun.  I think it was all in God's grace that I could smile today and think of what a wonderful day that was at Navy Pier when P proposed then smile again at the hope of one day having a memory like that again with a man of my dreams.

As I type this, I realize that by the end of this month, I would have lived longer without P than with him as marrieds and that's just a crazy thought.  Yet as we watch home videos today, I think of what a major part he was and how I couldn't be who I am without him nor could I be raising the bestest daughter ever.

Navy Pier was a beginning to a wonderful chapter in my life.  I pray that some day soon the Lord will bring another significant place for me to start a new chapter at.  Until then, I continue to hope and trust in God's faithfulness.

God you are good and your faithfulness endures forever!!

Thanks JM!!!

JM took me to the Bear's game.  It was such a great experience.  Thanks so much JM!!

Miry Bog

Just the other day I was reading from Psalm 40 and I thought of how blessed I was to be able to see God's hand in my life.


¹I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he inclined to me and  heard my cry. ²He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
   out of  the miry bog,
and  set my feet upon a rock,
     making my steps secure. ³He put a new song in my mouth,
   a song of praise to our God.
Many will  see and fear,
   and put their trust in the LORD.


These specific verses really spoke to me as I read the chapter.  


Today I had a first with my friend JM.  She took me to a Bear's game.  Go Bears!!!  So when I got back and had A I felt overwhelming tired all of a sudden.  On the way home, we picked up some food and as I was ordering I felt a little frustrated because I thought there was just too many choices and wanting the guy to just give me what I asked for and not the extra stuff.


So the end of the story... I come out from picking up food and I get in the car finding myself with a big smile on my face.  I realized how I am so much out of the miry bog and the Lord has me in a secure spot.  You see I remembered when there was a time in my life when I would go in to grab food or buy something and feel so overwhelmed that I would either not buy anything or just tell them to keep adding what they wanted to add and walk out with a big bill and tears.  Today although I was a little bit overwhelmed and tired, I still walked out with what I wanted and a smile.


A few days ago when I read this, I put in my journal that I wanted those verses to the testimony of my life.  I continue to pray that.  What a testament... Lord continue to use me as a vessel for you.

emotionally healthy spirituality

our church is doing a sermon series on this book emotionally healthy spirituality.  i haven't read it, but our pastor says it's good and he though he doesn't agree with all of the points in the book, he feels that it's really necessary in the church.

i'm totally pumped about it.  no not just because i am in the mental health counseling program, but because true freedom only comes through Christ and you can't have freedom unless you know what your bondage is.  i have so many bondages that i have worked through and still have so much that the Lord keeps revealing to me.  i love how in psalms, david asks God to search his heart... investigate what is there and bring it to light.  then and only then will we know what God wants to do with it... healing, comfort, understanding, justice, forgiveness, love...

are we brave enough to ask God to search our hearts, investigate what's in there and reveal it to us?  it's painful let me tell you.  some of the things that i have to work through, i just wanted to deny that it really happened... but God in His goodness showed me that those things were causing me to be stuck and not be able to move forward in life, most importantly with Him.  so tonight, it's really late let me add, but A is out at a sleepover and i hit the town with a friend, just got home and wanted to put my thoughts down before i go to bed... so tonight... i want to challenge whoever reads this, if anyone does read this, to be brave and ask God to search are hearts... ask Him what's blocking you from being ever more like Him... what are those bondages... lies, abuse, manipulation, cheating, adultery, addictions, pornography, parent walking out on you, ... or the subtle ones that you wouldn't think would be a problem, it's just part of life, but is there, like people picking on you, calling you names, never asking you to be part of a team...  whatever hinders you to draw closer to God, in my opinion, is a bondage...  what are those things in your life?  don't you want to lay those at the feet of Jesus and just say, "Jesus bring truth and healing into these lies...."

these are just some thoughts that i have tonight as i go to bed.  let's find true freedom in Christ.  don't think it'll be smooth sailing... sometimes that hurts!!  actually most times, but it'll be good!  promise!!!

seasons

This weekend P's family came to visit us.  I'm not sure how it is for them, but I sometimes go into it blinded.  I just don't know how it's going to be.  I don't think we have all been in Chicago altogether since the funeral.  We have been to their place and have seen parts of the family here, but this is the first time I think that we've been here all together.  So I don't know if anyone is going to be sad or if there is anything we need to do memory stuff, but I feel like it went well.  We had a fun reunion and although the weekend went by very quickly, we had a great time with family, A especially with her cousins.

I have been thinking of seasons... this summer was really hot.  I know people think that we would be used to it being in the tropics, but it's just such a different kind of hot here.  I was thinking of how when this week it dropped to like 60, everyone started wearing their jackets and vests and sweatshirts... but then I thought of how in spring because we are coming out of the cold, when it hits 60, we put on our shorts and short sleeve shirts and enjoy the sun.  

I think of this in terms of grieving.  It's just so hot and sensitive when it first happens.  We are on edge and hurting.  Then you meet the people that... like for me, meeting my in-laws or friends of P's...  It's kind of cold and it feels like you need to put on a jacket in the heat of the hurt... You're not sure if they will like you for you or if it is that they liked you just because of the person that is now deceased.  Then winter comes, the testing and trying of the relationships... is this really going to work?  Are we really going to make it without this person who is not here anymore??  And hopefully some day after having worn the jackets and coats to keep you from the hurt and cold... spring comes... it starts getting warm and you feel that it is working... finally you could take off the jacket.  Yes the person is not here, but we start to look past that and start liking, loving each other for who we are, apart from the "glue" that kept us together.

Some of my friendships here and even with my in-laws I feel like this is the case, going through these seasons... getting to know each other apart from P and let them see me for me, not the person P chose.  I pray that as time passes, we will hit a summer where it's not the hurt or pain that is making it hot and sensitive, but the love that we feel mutually because we love each other.

I don't know if that makes sense, but just something I thought about.

Please pray for P's family as they drive back home tonight and tomorrow.
Please pray for us as we start another week.

kindergarten

A started her first week of kindergarten this week.  i love her... you know i'm so proud that she walked right up to school, got in line when the teacher came and went straight down with her class to her room.  she never looked back... i was really so proud that my eyes filled with tears... my baby all grown up.  :)

after the second day of school, she comes home and asks, "mommy, why don't we talked about Jesus at school?"  her teacher is a believer so i guess she thought that she would talk about Jesus all the time.  so i explained to her about the rules and a little history how schools before were allowed to talk about God and Jesus, but now it can't and how really it's schemes of Satan to take away people from God.  so i told her that she could talk about Jesus all she wants and even ask her teacher about Him, but sadly enough her teacher was not allowed to bring Him up.

i thought that was so profound of her and so proud that she noticed and wanted to talk about Jesus.  i want her to be all about Him you know.

i pray that from kindergarten to her senior year of high school, where ever we go and stay in between from now til then, she will be someone who talks about Jesus!!!  would you pray that with me for her!  for her to just love Him and that it radiates out of her, in her acts, words and just everything!!!

31

tomorrow i turn 31.  it has been a busy year for me and during this year, God has grown me more into His image through times of failure and times of joy.  i am currently sitting in our house all alone and it's so weird being in this place without any noise, without someone asking me to play with them... RB, my old housemate and friend, has organized a dinner for me tonight for my birthday and since who knows when, this is my night out.  i'm so excited!!!

i was surprised this morning with a flower delivery.  i couldn't think of anyone that would send me flowers and i thought... ooo this is exciting.  when i opened my card, i started to cry.  my good friend send me flowers from across the world and they are so beautiful.  flowers just make me happy!!  thanks jm for sending those to me.

not much more to say, except having a birthday after my first full week of school is good.  it gives me hope for this year to come and i am so excited to see what the Lord will do!!!  (although there is some side of me that is also sad... P just made birthdays extra special for me... for weeks at a time...  hope trumps it by far and i can't wait to see what 31 brings!!!)

so here is self taken picture of me at 7 hours til 31.  ha ha...

Community

I was a part of such a deep committed community when I was overseas.  They really loved me and I in turned loved and of course still love them.  We shared so much being so far from "home".  Coming back, I felt so far from everyone and getting back to the busyness of life... felt the loss of that community.

These couple days of orientation was so good for me.  I'm really so excited to be around a community of believers, who I pray will stick to the commitment they talked about during orientation.  Just to be open and honest, upholding each other in biblical standards.  I guess thinking that I will be spending a lot more time with these people makes it a little bit more the community... I may be tricking myself and romanticising the whole thing, but I feel so hopeful in being with these people with common direction, same faith, passion for God...  I can't wait to get to know the professors more either... I love that my professors will be praying for me and have already started praying for me by name, before even meeting me.

I know some people do not understand my struggle to keep up with the busyness, but more so that I don't want to be a part of that busyness.  During our orientation they talked about how we need to keep up with our spiritual walk with God and just because we are learning biblical stuff, doesn't mean that is our personal time with God.  I know my life is going to start being crazy with A, school, life, but I do not want to sacrifice my time with God to keep up with others' schedules or standards.  And as I type this I am really recommitting myself to this.  I have been a little lazy lately, just wanting a break... but that's exactly it, I don't want to burn out, which I feel like I have been over this summer.  I know my limit and I want to do everything for His glory and don't want to do anything half heartedly.

As I do this, I want a close community to walk with me and I with them.  Lord I pray for godly men and women to be my community.

God added to my community today.  I got to my orientation a little early so I sat in the lobby waiting for it to start.  As I sat there, I started talking to this lady next to me.  We talked about what we are going to study and where we are from... I was so excited and praise God for His provision.  This lady, R, lives like a few blocks from our place and has two girls, in which A is like in between their ages.  The older one is going to the school that A is going to.  R began explaining the work God is doing in this school... It's amazing.  Thursday mornings, moms get together in the playground after the students go into class to pray over the school.  How amazing is that???  The PTO also has a world vision child that they sponsor and the students are really involved in it.  I praised God for giving A a believing teacher, but I am just so glad that years of prayer went into this school before A even attended.  There is some other things I learned, but I will share that at a later time.  I'm really excited to see what the Lord will do with this community in my life.

God calls us to be a people of community... to be a body.  We need each other.  A guy at orientation today was talking about how even at our school people (a Christ centered school) get so busy and caught up in their deadlines that they walk around campus and do not acknowledge people that they know.  I need people... I admit it.  I need people to affirm me.  I need people to help me.  I need people to confront me when I am sinning.  I need people to have fun with me.  I need people to be interested in my life and want to be a part of it.  I'm sure so many other people out there are like that.

There was a guy at my table today who is a second year grad student and he said how we could really get lonely, we as people.  Really encouraging us to be a part of community.

I had a women's group when I was overseas.  A group of 4-5 women... we got together every Monday (almost every Monday) and we got down dirty with each other... updating each other on our lives, asking the hard questions, challenging each other, talking about the heart issues and praying for one another.  I ask this in the humblest way possible, but how many of us are in that kind of community??  I mean having people to share life's disappointments, hardships, burdens, sins with, but in turn also can rejoice with...  We need that...  God commands that.

A reverse culture shock that I have been experiencing is the individualistic lives that we live here...  I am Korean and have lived in an Asian country for the past few years...  They are so community based, sometimes I think a little too much :), but there has to be some kind of happy medium right?

I am a people person.  Enjoy being with people, get energized by being with people, love people, find pleasure in having people over...

I am someone if that if I don't have it, I'll go look for it.  So beware, I may come stalk you to be my friend... :)

TIU here I come...

Today I had my first day of orientation and I'm so excited about what the future holds.  Being in a room with so many people who love JESUS and want to serve HIM in so many different capacities... the stories that were in the room and where they want to go... I am so really psyched!!!

A went with me today and will also join me on Monday.  It was fun for me and her to go with.  The first hour she joined me as I met various student organizations and got my ID, then she went down to the children's program they had.  I went so nervous and A gave me one of her rings so that I wouldn't be.  It turned out great.  We both had a very fun time.

I'm so excited to see what the Lord has in store for us.  I can't wait!!!

pictures...

"cousins"

my tehteh (older sister)

the beautiful bride

aren't they all sooooo gorgeous

A and her bibi-bibi

she danced the night away

The News in life

It's been exactly a month since my last post.  Since then I have finished my statistics class and passed it!!  Woo hoo... A has gone to her first VBS (thanks to R&T for helping with rides) and walked down the aisle once again as a flower girl!!!  Our condo is so close to being done that I am jumping out of my skin in excitement.

A and I are embarking a new chapter in our life... we are both starting school.  I start with orientation this Saturday and start my actual classes on Wednesday.  A starts the following Monday.  It's so crazy that my baby is starting kindergarten and we are going to meet her teacher next Friday.  I just know I'm going to start crying.  My friend CI was one of the first ones to pray for a believing teacher for A and now we reap from the prayers that were lifted.  A's teacher is a believer and I'm so excited about that.  I really have been praying for next year already.  It would be lovely for A to be in the public school with believing teachers.  Please lift this up with me... It would be great for both of us if that were to happen.

Transition back to the states have been hard.  We are still in transition, mostly emotionally, but really praying through this season and hoping to really settle in well as the Lord leads us into our niche, our schedule, our life...

Please pray for us as we both start school and start this new schedule.  Pray for our transition as we still find ourselves emotionally adjusting...

I wanted to put up some pictures, but it's not working... hopefully soon!!!

sick...

please pray for me. i have been fighting something since thursday. i've been drinking orange juice, sleeping a lot, drinking tea, drinking lots of water, all that jazz... but it's finally got me this thing called a cold. been taking day-quil and tonight for the first time i took nyquil. i have a test on tuesday this week and really with two weeks of school, this can't last long. i know that's such a strong word... can't... if God wills it, what can i do right? but i believe in prayer and that He does know what i need, so... i will go now to rest, but just thought i would throw it out there. please pray that this will be a really quick round of the cold.

two more weeks

my beautiful city... welcoming us back

bike rides

and boat rides...

we have been on the move even during transition. constantly doing something... in two weeks my class will be done and hopefully all the final details of the condo will be done too!! i pray that from then til i have to start school, we will be able to have a time to breath. i have been so thankful for counseling and the friends that watch A so that i may have this time. it is good that in the midst of hectic chaos, i could sit and talk about the issues of my heart. in two weeks, i hope to spend more time in quiet at the foot of Jesus and just enjoy HIM.

i have an hour between the time that i drop off A at camp and i go to class. i love that during this time i get to have a long deep intimate conversation with my Savior. who else could i go to than the one who gives me life? i think of how much i miss P, but at the same time so glad that i have an eternal husband who knows me much more than P or any other man/woman could know. i am in debt for this life that the Lord gives me and the breath He gives me and the opportunity to serve Him in ways that i find myself not worthy of.

i have recently finished reading the book of daniel and am struck by how i lack in prayer. daniel prayed 3 times a day to maintain his intimacy with his Lord, but not only that he prayed for his people... i mean he seriously prayed for his people and asked for forgiveness for their sins and was just a man of prayer. i have been convicted at how i need to be on my knees more. i know i have mentioned this before, but my favorite thing about P was that i would walk into his study and he would be on his knees in prayer. i'm not sure if this is appropriate, but i find nothing sexier in a man than when he is praying on his knees alone in a quiet place. i knew that he was so worth following and respecting as my husband because i knew he was going to the right place for his leadership. i want to build this family on prayer and pour out my soul to the one who knows before i even utter a word and who will hear!!

praise God...

1. for A's adjustment back here and her camp as i have been going school.

2. for a car, condo, and all the wonderful people that have been helping with the remodeling of our condo.

3. for friends and family.

4. for His goodness and faithfulness in our life.

5. for KB, a friend of ours, an old student of P's. she will be our nanny while i go to class. so excited that she lives so close and is willing to be a part of our lives in this capacity!!! thanks KB... we love you!!!!

please continue to pray for us...

1. as we transition. still going through some reverse culture shock and adjusting.

2. as we start school in a month, both A and i will be starting school.

3. as i look pray through what ministries the Lord would have me invest in as i start my life here in the states.

4. as i long to spend to more time in prayer... pray that i will pray more.

AWOL

i've been AWOL due to my life rapidly changing. funny how just a little over two months ago i was in a completely different season of life. now that we are moved into our condo, me in school A in day camp, still getting things settled here and there, and finishing a few things around the condo still yet. i bought a new computer and two weeks ago it started doing something funny, in which i thought i was the reason it was doing it, but i took it in two days ago and my brand new computer's ram drive or something is out. so it's in the shop for at least a week... so i haven't been able to do much on the blog.

i will try harder to keep updates here... sorry family and friends.

is sexy the new cute?

i just don't know what to do in this society that i feel that sexy is the new cute. clothes for little girls are a seductive and it's just crazy how i feel like they are even acting that way. no more cute overalls with pigtails. i went to the pool with A this weekend and i was floored at how many string bikinis were worn by the little girls and older women. now i am not trying to judge, this is not my intention at all, but ... so the situation that floored me was how these little girls even knew how to move their bodies...

i'm currently reading a book "bringing up girls" by james dobson. it is a scary task... our job as believing moral people to raise our children in such a sinful immoral world. how do i really raise my daughter to be a child of God in this world that teaches her other wise?

my daughter is starting camp at the park district tomorrow and i think about how much i need to be on my knees. not that i think anything will go bad, but i anticipate lots of questions from her from what she sees, experiences or hears. then i think about public schools and i just think, wow...

when i was teaching, we were supposed to teach about the different kinds of families... mom/dad, dad/dad, mom/mom, divorced parents... but when it came to doing holidays, we couldn't teach about the real reason for christmas, but it was okay to teach about kwanza and other holidays. that's the world... it's sad... and i am someone who grew up in the public school and think A will do well (i'm not against public school), but it is something i will definitely have to pray about day in and day out and constantly be on my knees about.

just something i have been thinking about these days and it's an overwhelming thing, letting our kids go and grow...

please pray for me and A as we start this new endeavor.

i passed!!!

yes i passed the test. i had to take this placement test so i only have to take one class not two in the summer and i passed!!! woo hoo party time. one thing off the check list!!

if all things go smoothly, i think I could be in our own place by mid week next week and be settled!!!

thanks for your prayers. please pray for smooth transitions and a start to summer school and fun!!!

PRAISE GOD!!!

What I like...

This weekend I was sick. The weather here has been kind of crazy... 90's one day 40's the next. "The air got in me" as the Indonesian would say and that's why I'm sick. :) I sure do miss that place... I can't believe it's been over a month since we left and started establishing our life here... Kind of crazy how time is going by so quickly.

Today we went on a bike ride in the forest preserve and I was reminded of our prayer requests when we left for Indonesia the first time. We asked so many people to pray for me because I do not do well in heat. I got sick on the bike ride and praise God that JM decided to come with us because I think I would have had some serious issues. I have serious problems with heat and on our bike ride, my body went into hyper hot mode and I felt sick. We probably stopped a couple few times for me to take a breather in the shade, dry heave/throw up or to pour water over myself to help cool down. It was kind of crazy, but as I was sick through this, I told JM how the whole time we were in Indonesia, I never had these heat issues. The Lord listened to everyone's prayers of me staying healthy from the heat while I was over there.

One thing that I'm really enjoying about being back in the states is the longer sun hours. In Indonesia we got the sun almost exactly 12 hours, 6am - 6pm. Tonight as I drove home I couldn't believe how bright and sunny it was. I told A that when we got home she had to go to bed and she said, "but it's not night time yet." ha ha... The sun makes me happy although too much of it makes me sick. :)

I know a lot of you out there are still wondering what I'm doing back or what my plans are and how we are going to survive, so I thought I would answer some of those questions tonight before I go to bed.

The Lord has been tugging at my heart toward counseling for a while now and I feel now is a great time for me to dive in and start what the Lord has planted in my heart and feel called at this particular time for this next chapter. As I have gone through counseling and still do go to counseling, I find such freedom in who I am in Christ and freedom from all the chains that satan tries to tie me up in. So my heart longs to be a part of people's process in becoming free from bondage, lies and hurts that are too deep to want to dive into.

Some have asked if I left because it was too hard there... That is not the sole purpose of me coming back, but I can't say that it did not have some pull into the decision. I have a lot of support here. My support was limited there. I do desire to find what the Lord has for ERP, not what E and P had. If the Lord leads me back to the work later, then I know that He's calling me and I'm not going to complete a certain task. I will be going to do God's will not finishing what P started... ERP needs to find herself in a sense.

I will be starting summer school June 13th. I have a class I need to take, I may even have to take two, so we'll see what happens. I pray that we will be able to move into our condo this weekend if not mid week next week. God has sent me a great family of believers that care deeply for me and have been helping me with this place. I pray and please pray with me that God will bless them all 100 fold...

My goal for the next years while I'm in school doing classes and internships is to be a student and a mom. I really want to work with what I have to be at home with A as much as I can. That may mean that we don't do a lot of what we used to do (like traveling and eating out) and cut some costs here and there, but I feel me being at home is so much more important than all those things that it's okay to live minimally if need be. I remember a friend from FL who helped with life insurance stuff e-mailing me and reminding me what P said as we were setting up the life insurance... "I want you to be taken care of if anything happens to me." And that's what he's doing... P's taking care of us even though he is not here.

It's been an adjustment coming back to the states and it will continue to be... I still catch myself looking for the gear to the car on the wrong side... I catch myself speaking the wrong language to people... it's kind of crazy and those are just the little things... Please continue to pray for us as we adjust and reconnect with people... We need to find our niche and A and E now...

We really appreciate everyone's love and prayers and continue to covet them in the weeks, months and years ahead of us.

financial supporters

all financial supporters please stop sending support. especially for those of you who do automatic payment. please do not send for the month of june.

thank you.

winter is here

Three days this past week the weather was beautiful, the sun was shining, it was in the 80's and we wore shorts, skirts, tanktops and took walks to the park and stores. These past couple days winter showed up again. It's so crazy... I wore my jeans and puffy vest... although I did wear flip flops with it in hopes of warmer whether... but seriously I live in Chicago... it'll be like this for a while. My Indonesian blood can't handle it much right now.

Yesterday I was showered with love and gifts from so many brothers and sisters at my church!!! In welcoming me back home, my Chicago mom, LM, put together a housewarming shower and I even got to register for the things that I need and want. She told me I should dream a little...

P and I, knowing that we were going overseas when we got married, didn't really register for much. People gave us couches, we got hand me down dishes, and just filled up our house with a few things that we needed. When A came along, the women at Bethel had a great idea to get us clothes til A was 4. People with certain letter last names were assigned a certain age. So when it came time for us to leave, we really didn't have anything to store except for personal things.

I am really so thankful for the love that people have for us. I am so thankful that people are willing to help us out as we set up a new house. Thank you so much!!!

In scripture it tells people to take of the widows and the fatherless... I am so thankful that my brothers and sisters are taking that seriously!!! Because of all of you, my winter days are bearable and I know that soon summer will come!! :)

A good talk

I've started seeing a counselor again last week. I feel like through this transition I need someone to hear out all of me and give me good, wise, godly advise. So I had e-mailed TIU's counseling center way before I got here to see when they could start seeing me.

Today was my second session and I just have to say, it's good to be validated on the things that you are doing well and given advice when in areas that I need it. Thanks to KM for watching A while I go to my counseling sessions. It is a blessing for A to have friends to play with when I go.

I miss P...

So today after picking up A and doing something fun with her friends, I took A to memory park with a bunch of flowers we picked up at the Jewel. A fell asleep on the way there and I got a good talk in with P while she slept in the car. For almost an hour, I talked to P and let out all that I had in my heart to the one person I know would listen and just listen. I cried through the words that came out. And I just couldn't believe how great it felt to sit there and talk to him.

He's buried in the most beautiful spot. The sun was out today and it was pretty hot... P's spot is by a big beautiful tree that gives great shade. I sat under that cool shade and had a good talk. I came away from that talk feeling so much better.

Hard to believe next month it will be three years... and still I like to sit under that tree talking to someone who will never respond and has been gone for three years. Crazy... this thing called death and grief.

stop wallowing

Self pity is awful... I find myself wallowing in self pity. Tonight after dinner, A and I got some ice cream and went to the park. There was a family at the park, mom, dad, 2 boys and a girl. The family was out playing baseball, all of them. I watched them a little as I played with A... I teared up a little and asked God for day like that for A and I soon. On the way home on 94.3 KLove they had a "food for thought" kind of thing and it was for single parents. They talked about how we single parents should not "wallow" in our self pity - my paraphrase - and start planning... picnics, nights out with our kids, outings with other families... A interrupted my listening by asking what a single parent is. So as we talked about what a single parent is, she told me that I did what they were talking about. She told me about our picnics and how we went to the park. So maybe I'm not wallowing in self pity, but I do think about how life is not all about me. I want to focus on other people, things, issues, etc. rather than myself... all of that in the way the Lord has made me to be and the way He wants to use what I have been through for His glory.

Just something I've been thinking about.

Praises:
1. We got our condo painted.
2. We got our permit to start working on remodeling.
3. We got a car!!!!
4. I am finally feeling a little ease in my daily schedule.

Prayer Requests:
1. I need to take a placement test for math so I would only have to take one class this summer instead of two. Please pray that I could pass this math so that I could just take one, statistics, not algebra and statistics.
2. All the work to get done in a timely matter.

Please pray a blessing over the men helping with the remodeling. They are great at helping me out... MR, GM, AL, JS... Thanks guys!!

sleep overs

Thanks to the R family, I get a night off. All I wanted to do was have a night to do something that I can't do when she's around... but as I was doing them, which was curtain shopping, I found myself realizing what's really going on...

We are in America... We have left our home... our friends. We are setting up a home here and very busy doing it... We are yet in another phase of transition, unsettled lives... I feel overwhelmed and feel myself trying not to go to the "I wish I had a partner to help me with all this" mode. It takes extra energy to try to not go into that mode. I miss P... I know if he were here then he would take care of so many of the things I have to take care of. I know that if he were here, A would not have to play on I-phones or leapsters a lot. If he were here, I wouldn't have to ask for so much help. Don't get me wrong, I love all the people that help me out and appreciate it a lot, but sometimes I wish I wasn't so needy.

Ugh, another realization of the facts of my life. I can't believe in about a month it will have been 3 years. Time sure does pass. I know 3 years is a lot and I have come a long way, but that does not mean that I'm done. I still have days I miss P terribly and there are still days that I just want to cry...

Maybe that's what I will use this night for...

Thank you R's for taking A. Need to go to bed.

the body

today i took A to the movies. we have been so busy since we got here, i thought we needed a mommy daughter break. so we went to the theatre to watch rio. during the previews i saw something that really bothered me and i just thought that i could write a little bit about my feelings.

there was a commercial about having church in the theatre and if anyone was interested there was an website to look into. that made me really sad. is that what the body boils down to? come into a room, sit next to people watch "church" on the big screen and then go home? no shepherd to lead them? no one to be involved in their lives? i am still so sad by it.

i think of the body that i left in indonesia and the body i came back to here... and i know that if it was a body that looked at a screen like it was a movie... then i wouldn't be experiencing the body that Christ intended it to be right now.

i could go more into it, but i feel like it would not be wise, since it is a growing venue out there... don't want it to be a debate... just wanted to say how sad i was. after reading the book of acts... it makes me even sadder.

Jesus when will you come?

too much to write... too little time

It's already been a week since we got in. The Lord has been extremely good to us during this transition with getting over jet lag, people to help us, getting things done. God has given me a great friend who is giving up her car for us to use until we get one (Thanks JM)!! We have gotten A registered for kindergarten, gotten me registered at the community college to take my class (but looks like it will take a little bit more work than I thought), gotten my scholarship paperwork in for TIU... That has all been a full time job this week, plus I have been researching lots of cars to see what is good for us and in our price range. That is some serious work.

But before I get to caught up in our life here, I want to rewind a little to the last month or so of our time in Indonesia. It was bittersweet to say the least. So sad to leave behind the future that could have been, yet so excited to embark the future that will be. We had several good-bye parties and I have to say, I was already feeling like closing that chapter in my life was kind of like dying, but during the parties it felt like it more as people told me what I meant to them or what A was like in their life, told me how I impacted them... I remember at P's funeral service Pastor RB read something from P's journal from a time when P wrote about when we had to say good bye to all our friends here to go to the field... You really never get to hear those kind words or what you have done until your funeral, but it was quite a time to sit and listen to friends, students, and people I have met, but don't really remember, tell of memories of me, of P, of A, of what we did...

As we prepared to leave, God told me three different times to remember John 15. It's kind of crazy because that has kind of been my life chapter. I know it's a common chapter, but sometimes I don't remember it. So three different times, God reminded me that John 15 will have to be something I turn to often as I return to the states. One time was at a gathering of women and my tehteh (older sister) read it as her reflection and God clearly told me to listen. At that same gathering I received a letter that was written before the sharing of my tehteh from a friend with a beautiful necklace as a gift with John 15 written on the side very artistically. The last one was from a friend also in a letter about John 15. Crazy...

This week has been crazy... I sometimes get very task oriented and I was very focused on getting stuff done. My focus was a little shifted... the desire to get things done clouded my heart to want to seek God first in all things... even the littlest things. But God doesn't let that go for long. Today in church, Pastor PJ spoke on... guess what??? John 15. Crazy huh? God really wants me to get it. He is the vine, I am the branch... I have no life outside of Him.

The very thing I feared of coming back to the states happened as soon as I landed... getting too busy. Everything could wait... Nothing is so urgent. So I don't have a car... big deal. I don't need to go anywhere right now that I'm going to have serious consequences over. Breath, abide, see what I want... God is saying to me. Don't fret over the little things, I got it under control.

I even got a text some time this week from my tehteh telling me to keep my eyes on Jesus and take things one day at a time. Should continue to listen.... :)

Okay... now going back to say good bye. It was such a sad time, but it was also full of celebration. God reminded me through many people that I obeyed and that's all God wants from us. I may feel like I haven't done much, but obeying Him is what brings Him glory. Thanks for the reminder.

We left on Good Friday and I had our friend, AB, do a little sharing time before we left. I did not want the day to just be about us leaving when really the day should focus on what Christ did for us. AB shared how God had all things in order... even the cosmos... It's so amazing to see how God planned all things in such order for His glory to be relieved 1000s of years later.

I saw that order come to play at the airport. Our friends, SR and MR, who came to pick us up, stood in front of us at the line for immigration. As soon as they got through, A and I walked up. They looked at our passports and there was a problem. I usually have a multiple entry-re-entry permit, but it expired and somehow when my visa got extended that did not get extended too. Therefore, I did not have Indonesia's permission to leave the country. So crazy. There we were SR and MR on one end, A and I on the other.

I go into the immigration office and they said I can't leave, that I would have to wait til Monday. I really prayed... and God answered. There in the office with me were two American men, who I knew by name and they knew me by name. So I borrowed their cell phone and started making calls. God had a woman who had helped when P died right at the airport, so when I called to ask for her help again... she ran right to us. Our flight was at 7 PM and A and I got on the plane at 6:50... God seriously worked out every last detail... None of any of that could have happened without His utter control over the situation.

The Lord goes before us, He lives in us and He wants to use us. What a blessing. As soon as we took off and things were a little settled, I cried thinking of His goodness and the mere fact that I was on the plane... wow...

That is a serious summary of all that happened in this past month.

We are currently living at the house we lived in while we were here during the winter. We are starting work on our condo this Tuesday with new paint first.

So please do pray for us...

1. As I have said before, I could get really task oriented, so just pray that I will keep taking deep breaths and taking it one day at a time.

2. We do need a car. I will be driving 40 miles a day to and from school... so I need a car with good gas mileage. But I like roomier cars because small cars make me a little nervous. So please pray that the Lord will give us a car with all that we NEED (I know what we need is different from what I desire) at a great stealer price!!!

3. Our condo is going to start getting worked on. My optimistic goal is that we are in our own condo in a month. Please pray that even the hard things will go really smoothly. I really want to get settled and not live out of the bags spread out on the floor.

4. A has mentioned how she likes both Indonesia and America. I'm not all sure what's going on inside her, but pray that she would be able to express and that I will be able to be available.

5. I start counseling on Wednesday. I'm really excited... Please pray that it will be a good time of processing and healing for me. I also want to see if they have counselors for children, pray that if that needs to happen that we will find a good counselor for A.

Thank you all so much for seriously praying with us and for us through this transition. I just ask that you continue to do this for us.