I like sending things out to the unknown world of internet. Somehow I feel like I am being heard and get to release all that I want to talk about.
These past few nights I have had some really good dates with Jesus. Sitting in my green big comfy chair talking to Jesus about the things in my heart and asking Him what He thinks. It's been a great time with Him.
Tonight I sit out on my balcony looking out into the dark sky and it's beautiful with the patches of white clouds still up there. Far out in the distance I could see the lights of the tall buildings that surround my favorite city of Chicago. It's beautiful as I sit here. Such a still quiet night, despite the cars buzzing by my street.
This blog has been a place I come to in order to be vulnerable. I remember times when people would come up to me and say how they read my blog and were praying for me. Not sure how many are still interested now that the storm is over, but I want to continue to be vulnerable because although the storm is over, the after effects of it still reside in my life as well as A's life.
These days I have been thinking of my journey and just in amazement of how far we have come. Maybe it is because soon my life without P will be longer than with him as married people and that just seems to have a reflective effect to my heart. I think of how good our marriage was and how God was in it from the beginning. I loved the way P lead our family and never wavered at that task, but still was able to vulnerable and broken with me. I think God could not have brought a more perfect person in my life to help me, even after he was gone, through some of the toughest times of my life.
It's funny how prideful this may sound, but I don't mean this at all in a prideful way... I have grown and have become such a big godly girl in God's eyes. I still have so much to grow, but really I am at such a better place in my life in so many different ways.
As I reflect in the past, I wonder about the future and some days I do get paralyzed at the thought of being single for the rest of my life. This is not at all because I don't think I could do it because with God all things are possible and again not to be prideful but God and I have done quite well thus far. Yet I so enjoyed married life, that I can't imagine not having it again. I long and desire a partner, I want someone that I could make decisions with, I desire a daddy for A, I long to sit on this balcony with someone and share the beauty of the night under this nice fluffy blanket, I want to sit on the couch all snuggled and watch a movie, I want Friday night dates... All these things and more I so much long for.
I know I've wrote this before on previous blogs desiring this, but this time I would really like to ask you, whoever you are that still reads this, to pray for me. I want to be content in whatever situation, but still have a healthy desire for what is natural. God designed us to desire the opposite sex, so I know I'm not abnormal... but I would like to see this happen soon. Let me tell you I ain't getting any younger. At 31, I think how my biological time is ticking. :) I would love to have more kids. I remember when I told P that I wanted 10 kids, he said, "Let's see. One at a time." ha ha... I'm not crazy enough to have 10 kids, but I have always wanted lots of kids, adopted, foster, whatever... at one point I visioned having a home where people knew they could drop off their kids no questions asked and I would take care of them, of course this is in Indo not here... it wouldn't fly.
I have dreams and a vision, but not to say that God can't do it, but it's hard as a single-parent. And one day, when I get a job and A is older perhaps this could all still be a possibility, but I am a firm believer that children need both parents, so if I could provide A with a daddy... SCORE!!!
A couple weeks ago, in the car I was praying and God put on my heart to wrestle... I remembered the story of Jacob and how he wrestled with the Lord all night til the Lord blessed him. And I felt a strong desire to wrestle with the Lord, of course not like Jacob, but to be fervently pray for this particular subject until I get confirmation... either I am to be single for however long the Lord desires or that He will bring someone along. (Obviously I am to be single now, but I would like Him to take this desire away if it is not to happen.)
My sweet A would also like to see this happen. One night she asked me, "Mom, how come God is not answering our prayer. We've been praying a long time for a daddy and we still don't have one." A couple nights ago A said, "Mommy, if I get new daddy then I will have a new last name and I will have three grandmas and grandpas." And I just want to wrestle harder... She is so into this too... Her desire is big as well as mine.
So on this beautiful Friday night, as my heart longs to be out on a wonderful date, I covet your prayers that one day soon that day will come.
My friend told me the other night how she thinks P will be laughing at the conversation that we were having, which was what this blog is about. I think he will be and I'm sure he's praying for just the right man to come along to take care of his girls.
