The C word

Last week on Thursday, I was scheduled to have a cleaning at the dentist.  I usually go to RP in Kansas when we go to visit, but this Christmas is not going to be at their place, so I figured I should get it done.  As I was getting examined, my dentist noticed a dark spot in my mouth.  I told her it had been there for a while, at least 5 years when P first noticed it.  She poked around that told me that I should go see an oral pathologist for a check up.  I kept pressing for an answer... and she said it could be amalgam tattoo (which is from the silver fillings when I was little) or melanoma (skin cancer).

I started to freak out of course and came home to look up the two and other possibilities.  The next day I had an appointment with my family doctor anyway, so I waited to ask what she thought.  She told me that I should get it checked too.  So I called UIC and made an appointment and spent the weekend in deep thought.

I'll tell you a little bit about myself.  I'm a planner.  I like to have a plan and not have too many questions floating around.  My idea of taking care of it is telling close friends who will pray with me and not ask too many questions, then wait for the results, have a plan then tell people.  :)

Tuesday I drive almost 2 hours down to the Medical district to the UIC oral dentistry place.  I had to medical students examine my mouth and then have the head doctor come and examine me.  All this effort to tell me I have a mole in my mouth.  Seriously.  I spent a few days having some seriously crazy thoughts about how if I did have something like cancer it will affect me and those around me.

The good thing about the whole process is how God has really used it to bring perspective into my life.  We really don't know the number of our days.  I started thinking of all I wanted to do, all I wanted to say to different people, all the things that need to be done and stuff like that... but the thing is, if I live life as if there is no tomorrow everyday, my life would be so different and so much more meaningful.  Before all this I had started praying for some specific direction, but during and afterward it was a little bit more passionate... and I feel that God has already started putting together some awesome opportunities to serve Him.  I'm praying and ask that you pray with me.

A group effort...

So I'm working on getting my MA in Mental Health Counseling.  I am having so much fun in classes and even doing research is fun... lots of work, but fun nonetheless.  I wish there was more time in the day sometimes so I could get my work done and have enough energy to do other things.  But I have to say that when I get my degree, it needs to be cut up and distributed to all those people who help with A so that I could study and do my work.  Friends and family have really stepped up in helping me out and I am so thankful.  To all of you who have helped or will help in the future... I could not be doing this without you.

Yesterday we had a baby shower to go to and afterward SC and SC took A for the day so that I could work on my research paper.  I sat reading article after article while A was with the couple having tons of fun... so much fun that she didn't even want to come home with me.  SC (the man) was a high school friend of P's and SC (the woman) is P's second cousin and when I was talking to A about spending the day with them, I mentioned that SC (the man) lived with daddy longer than mommy had, she lit up and got really excited.  What a blessing to have not only this couple but others who love us, want to be a part of A's life and who have a history with P that P could still stay alive in A's heart in many different ways.

I am so thankful for the uncles in her life!!  I am thankful for aunts too, but because A doesn't get much time with men, I think it's just so important for her to have those fun crazy uncles that makes forts with her and takes her on adventures to outer space and to Christmas land...  Thanks guys for not only helping with my schooling, but filling a part of A's life!!!

Achoo and sniffle sniffle...

Yes I'm sick.  The sniffle sniffle is a little underrated... seeming that I had tissued stuck up my nose most of the day.  It started with a sore throat last night... then this morning it exploded.  I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for today anyway and so after that, I came home and slept.  My poor daughter... but praise God for redbox.  After I picked her up, we went to redbox and got something for her to watch, actually a few somethings for her to watch.  I was laying on the couch and she happily watched her movies, colored, played and "took care of mommy" in that way.

I have a test I need to take by Wednesday.  I haven't but studies 2 out of the 5 chapters and I don't know... I should probably sleep so I could work tomorrow, but...

When I moved to Indo in 2009, AB, TB and I sat down to see what my life should look like there.  We broke down the day as to how much I needed to invest in each of my roles... I remember AB specifically telling me to set aside time to blog.  He told me that it was  a vital part of my life and I should keep it up.  I'm so glad he did.  And as I reflect on the past 6 months back in the states, I really haven't set aside that time.  I would do it here and there, but it wasn't frequent enough.  Honestly this is a really good place for me to talk about my feelings and vulnerabilities and my processes.  So I hope that as this semester winds down and I look to the next, I will remember that blogging is a vital part of my life.

I've been reading through John.  I don't know if I said this or not, but I was reading through Psalms for about a month and at some point, I sensed the Lord wanting me to move away from that book and into a book that was about Jesus.  So  I chose John.  As I read through John, I realize that in some way I was being David.  In Psalms, David talks a lot about wanting God to save him from his misery.  As one of my professors said, David was depressed and cried out to God.  And as I reflect even in my journaling, I was having a kind of "woe is me" attitude and wanting God to save me.  But from what??  That's exactly it...

The book of Psalms helped me so much after P died.  I read those verses and found so much hope and my heart knew exactly what the author was pleading for.  But I'm not in that dark place anymore, yet as I was reading it, my heart went to that place... the place it was almost three and a half years ago in desperation.  Making me sad and feeling alone and the whole "woe is me".

John has been making my heart beat in a new way.  I love Jesus...  I love His power and truth.  I love that He loves those who are broken, unworthy, the lowly and the outcasts... me.  I love that I have life through the Father.  I was reading John this morning and I couldn't put it down.  I mean how amazing are the words...

"If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink.  Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has sad, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'"

"You judge according to the flesh; I judge no one.  Yet even if I do judge, my judgment is true, for it is not I alone who judge, but I and the Father who sent me."

"Whoever is of God hears the words of God.  The reason why you do not hear them is that you are not of God."

"Truly, truly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I am."

I could go on, but seriously He has power.  What gets me every time I read these verses is that He has given me the power.  I fall so short.  I love how His words have been penetrating my heart.  I told you I wept the whole time I was reading chapter 6 of John.

There was a time when my whole motto in life was "More of You less of me".  I've gotten away from that somehow in the crazyness of life and I want to go back to it.  God more of you and less of me.

In one of my classes this week, we talked about how we picture heaven...  During this past month or so, as I drive up to school and see the beautiful fall leaves, I take a mental note of it and smile because I know heaven is going to be so much more than that.  I look at the sun rising from my window and I smile because I know in heaven it's going to be so much better.  I look at my daughter and smile because I know she's excited to go to heaven to see Jesus, see daddy and play with the lions.

I want my perspective in life to be about His kingdom.  I lost sight of that in this busy crazy life.  That's Satan's schemes to make me lose focus on what really matters and make me think I'm actually doing something that matters.

I live in the suburbs...  I went down to Chicago, the city, a few times this past month and every time I was reminded of the needs of this world.  People sitting on the streets, soup kitchens, pregnancy centers, beggars...  Lord let me be about You and your Kingdom!!

the view of the sun rising from my balcony

Bread of life

Through the storms of tests and papers, I find myself heading toward another storm of tests and papers.  But can you believe that this semester is 2/3 over and then it'll be vacation time!!!  woo hoo!!!

Today I had a really good quiet time... John chapter 6 is all I want to say.  I wept with joy and full of thankfulness as I read through this chapter.  You should read it.