I have a test I need to take by Wednesday. I haven't but studies 2 out of the 5 chapters and I don't know... I should probably sleep so I could work tomorrow, but...
When I moved to Indo in 2009, AB, TB and I sat down to see what my life should look like there. We broke down the day as to how much I needed to invest in each of my roles... I remember AB specifically telling me to set aside time to blog. He told me that it was a vital part of my life and I should keep it up. I'm so glad he did. And as I reflect on the past 6 months back in the states, I really haven't set aside that time. I would do it here and there, but it wasn't frequent enough. Honestly this is a really good place for me to talk about my feelings and vulnerabilities and my processes. So I hope that as this semester winds down and I look to the next, I will remember that blogging is a vital part of my life.
I've been reading through John. I don't know if I said this or not, but I was reading through Psalms for about a month and at some point, I sensed the Lord wanting me to move away from that book and into a book that was about Jesus. So I chose John. As I read through John, I realize that in some way I was being David. In Psalms, David talks a lot about wanting God to save him from his misery. As one of my professors said, David was depressed and cried out to God. And as I reflect even in my journaling, I was having a kind of "woe is me" attitude and wanting God to save me. But from what?? That's exactly it...
The book of Psalms helped me so much after P died. I read those verses and found so much hope and my heart knew exactly what the author was pleading for. But I'm not in that dark place anymore, yet as I was reading it, my heart went to that place... the place it was almost three and a half years ago in desperation. Making me sad and feeling alone and the whole "woe is me".
John has been making my heart beat in a new way. I love Jesus... I love His power and truth. I love that He loves those who are broken, unworthy, the lowly and the outcasts... me. I love that I have life through the Father. I was reading John this morning and I couldn't put it down. I mean how amazing are the words...
"If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has sad, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'"
"You judge according to the flesh; I judge no one. Yet even if I do judge, my judgment is true, for it is not I alone who judge, but I and the Father who sent me."
"Whoever is of God hears the words of God. The reason why you do not hear them is that you are not of God."
"Truly, truly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I am."
I could go on, but seriously He has power. What gets me every time I read these verses is that He has given me the power. I fall so short. I love how His words have been penetrating my heart. I told you I wept the whole time I was reading chapter 6 of John.
There was a time when my whole motto in life was "More of You less of me". I've gotten away from that somehow in the crazyness of life and I want to go back to it. God more of you and less of me.
In one of my classes this week, we talked about how we picture heaven... During this past month or so, as I drive up to school and see the beautiful fall leaves, I take a mental note of it and smile because I know heaven is going to be so much more than that. I look at the sun rising from my window and I smile because I know in heaven it's going to be so much better. I look at my daughter and smile because I know she's excited to go to heaven to see Jesus, see daddy and play with the lions.
I want my perspective in life to be about His kingdom. I lost sight of that in this busy crazy life. That's Satan's schemes to make me lose focus on what really matters and make me think I'm actually doing something that matters.
I live in the suburbs... I went down to Chicago, the city, a few times this past month and every time I was reminded of the needs of this world. People sitting on the streets, soup kitchens, pregnancy centers, beggars... Lord let me be about You and your Kingdom!!
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| the view of the sun rising from my balcony |
