Whoosh

the sound of the weeks going by... whoosh. it's already the last weekend of august and going into labor day marking september.

this week again has just flown by.

monday i took A on a picnic to where P and i went on dates a few times. it was great weather and lots of fun. that afternoon we then went to the park with neighbors and ended the day with dinner at a family friends house. i feel like going on that picnic took the place of going to memory park because we were remembering him.

tuesday i ran errands with A and stayed home since both of us were kind of under the weather.

wednesday we went with friends to the music box to see "the little mermaid" sing a long. it was a lot of fun. A and her friend really enjoyed it. i was sad though thinking how much i wished P was there with us.

thursday A and i helped a friend out and that turned out to be one very nice day. i actually had adult conversations and it was deep and meaningful. i really enjoyed it. then we went and celebrated my sister's birthday. this day was funny because A wanted to talk to her grandparents. so i think we called them like four times because she wanted to talk to grandma and grandpa. grandpa was golfing and she told him she did that last week. :)

today i was feeling a little sick. i have a slight ear infection, so just not doing real well. but in the afternoon, we attended a birthday party and A had so much fun. she loved the rides and the kids. she's growing up so fast. on the way to the party though, she made me cry. we were talking about daddy for some reason and she says, "i want daddy, i want to hug him, please A hug daddy". i just cried. i told her i wanted to hug him too.

we are doing well. i am working hard at trying to help her process. i really want wisdom in this. i keep asking friends "where is the manual?". but really please pray that everyday we could process together in a good healthy way. i feel like these past two days have been really good. so please lift us up.

i want to thank those of you who take my calls and listen to me under any circumstance without judgment or whatever. i really appreciate that. i love you guys.

please pray for us as we grieve, but also as i think of our future and continually listen to the Lord. i know it's not like i need to make a decision right now, but i know that God could definitely start stirring in my heart His desires as i am working through things. so please pray for that.

crashing down

a friend told me after all the services were over that the hards are yet to come... that before it gets better, it's going to get worse... i feel it... i feel like my world is crashing down... which is weird... he's been gone for two months plus a week. more and more things have my heart longing for him... more and more i feel like life is not the same... more and more i feel that i'm alone... more and more i notice that he's not here... more and more...

today i talked to A. i asked how she was doing and she just smiled. i talked about daddy and it's funny how she responded. it's like she was waiting for me to talk about him... she immediately jumped at talking about him and wanting to go back home... to our "dago pojok" to see him. it seems like she's in denial just like her mommy... not wanting all this to be true, but all the while knowing that it's been too long for it not to be true.

i find myself crying more and missing him more.

please pray for us... life seems to be crashing down all over again differently this time around.

truth

i know many have asked the question of why this had to happen?, including me. i'm not typing this blog because i have the answer, but because i wanted to share a truth. P was always good at sharing truth with people, including me. and when i found the letter last week, he left me with truth to hold on to. so even though i know i will continue to ask questions, sometimes maybe even to the point of me doubting, i know there is truth in all of this.

in the letter i found last week P mentioned the truth of God's faithfulness. P told me how we had lived in truth and how God planned things in His perfect faithfulness and that nothing happens by chance, so if i am reading the letter, it means i must hold on to that faithfulness.

i have thought how if we obeyed why we are going through this... actually why i am going through this... but the truth is... God is faithful in all things, good or bad...

again i know i don't have all the answers yet, and i know i will be crying and asking questions and crying and grieving and crying... but in the end i know i will see His hand in my life... that God is faithful and good.

i was getting ready for bed and thought of this... wanted to share it.

the thing is... i know P felt this way and i feel this way too... i'd rather go see my Maker knowing that i obeyed Him than having not.

please pray for A as she is coming up with great questions that is helping her process. please pray for me as i come up with answers and explanations for all her really insightful questions.

Peace

My peace I give unto you
It's a peace that the world cannot give
It's a peace that the world cannot understand
Peace to know, peace to live,
My peace I give unto you

when we were at the cabin and i was putting A down the first night, this song popped into my head. what a beautiful song and i cried singing the words and prayed that the Lord may truly give us this peace. i have been praying for A and i to feel peace every night before we go to bed and if i leave it out on accident, A will remind me and say, "pray peace mommy". i love her so much.

please pray for our nights. A has been wanting to be in bed with me and i have been having a hard time falling asleep. thanks...

Rest

About a week ago, someone came up to me and asked me if i would like to go to her cabin with her this week. i said yes because i was looking for a place to go and relax. please pray for this weekend as A and i find rest and fun. please also pray for my time with C, who's cabin we are going to. R is joining us too to help with A. please pray for R also so she may find it a little bit refreshing while she takes care of us. :) we love you R!!! and thank you C for asking us to come!!!

In Perfect Timing... I found it...

I have had a terrible week. I don't want to go into detail, but not a day went by without crying, not a day went by without having some kind of emotion toward P and God, not a day went by without missing him, not a day went by without wishing it was just a bad dream...

Last night and today was the worst. I thought of how if we obeyed God, why instead of rewarding us this would happen and why did P get the better end of the deal? I prayed these thoughts would not last long... some say it's normal, but how the enemy could use that for whatever he wants...scary. I know I have to go through this stage, but at the same time don't want to fall in his trap... but I’m still so mad and frustrated and feel that life just sucks.

A couple weeks before P died, I was going through some hard times, and I told him that I couldn’t sing “God is so good” to A because I was so angry at Him. Last night as I was singing that song to A I had a similar feeling that didn’t last long because I remembered what P said that day I was angry at God… P said, you have to keep singing it… no matter what keep singing it because it’s true even though you don’t feel it now. So last night in tears I put my baby to sleep thinking of how He is good and how P wanted me to keep singing it in times like these.

The first few weeks after his death, I started to look for a letter that I knew P started to write in case something happened to him. I remembered it and couldn’t find it.

Today I found what I tried to look for the week he passed. The letter that he wrote me. I looked so hard for it the first weeks... I have no idea how I passed it up. But today for some reason I went into his file folder in the computer for the first time since I got here and found it... titled, "final will". I opened it thinking it was a friends’. I opened it and started to shake... I couldn't believe it. It had what he wanted his service to look like... it had what he wanted me to keep for A and myself... it had what songs to play at the funeral... (I didn't play one of the two songs he wanted... oops), but the rest was to the T of what he wanted. Then there was the letter... I cried... I cried so hard... the line that stuck out like a sore thumb... he told me not to give up on God's faithfulness... not even for a second and how if I was reading the letter it's because God had some other plan. Everything in God’s perfect timing. Why in the first week when I was looking for it did I not find it... then when I started asking questions about God I find the letter and he tells me to hang on...??? I hate him a lot right now... okay not really, but kind of. I don't know why he wrote all those details... or why he decided to write all that in January of this year... I don't know… even though we talked about it I never wrote one... but I found it... I guess in perfect timing... in perfect faithfulness... as we always talked about in Isaiah 25 verse 1.

It’s still hard, but I feel at peace after reading that letter though it was sad and shocking. I ran down into R’s arms and cried. Please pray for me... and A too. We’re going to go through some hard times… It’s hitting home now… and how much harder it’s going to get, I’m not sure, but many people say it’ll get harder before it gets better. Pray for us.

Hard week

what a week... it was really hard. lots of tears... miss him... hate him... questions... miss him... love him... smiles... tears... pain... smiles... miss him... want him back... hard...

A's favorite thing to say lately is, "when my get big..." so today we were talking and she said, "when my get big my go to heaven." i was so proud of her but it made my heart break. i asked her how she would get into heaven and my little girl says, "JESUS". i cried telling her i was so proud of her and so was daddy.

later i was crying and she told me not to cry. again i explain it's because i miss daddy and that it's okay if we cry. she answers, "mommy go to heaven see daddy". i told her how i wished it was that easy and cried some more.

hard week. miss him. miss him a lot!!!

all in all

the past few days A has been having a hard time sleeping... so i have been singing to her a lot... i feel like these times have been a good time for me to worship Him with songs. and i sometimes find myself repeating verses or choruses of songs because they mean so much to me. it's been good. praise God for children who have a hard time sleeping. :)

one song that i have been singing to her came to me a few nights ago as i remembered my friend, K, singing it to me the first night P went to be with the Lord. i remembered her sweet voice (she has a beautiful voice) singing this song and man it really spoke to me, not just that night, but now as i think of the words. thank you Lord... for being my all in all.

You are my strength when I am weak
you are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking you like a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus lamb of God
Holy is your name (2x)

Taking my cross my sin my shame
raising again I praise your name
you are my all in all
When I fall down you pick me up
when I run dry you fill my cup
You are my all in all

Update

i feel like i haven't written in a long time. life has been a little busy.

friday we went to the doctor and A was put on an inhaler to help with her bronchitis and also another medicine. praise the lord for doctors who know what they are doing.

saturday we had party day. our block had a block party and it was so much fun for A to be a part with kids and play and even be a part of a bike parade (pictures on facebook). she also went to her friend's birthday party. it was fun but a busy day.

sunday was church. i really enjoy church and love the people and support i get from there. what a family. in the afternoon we had a VBS kickoff at church and A had a great time with cotton candy, popcorn, snow cones, corn, balloons, a jumping thing, music, kids... she really enjoyed it.

monday VBS started and we went. i put A in the nursery because i was helping out, but ended up having to leave maybe 20 minutes into starting the praise. i'm not really sure what triggered it, but i couldn't be there. i left A in nursery and went... just left not knowing where i really wanted to go. while i drove i thought of a park P and i used to go to and i went there. i sat in the parking lot and cried. i just cried... not knowing why or what started it... but just cried. i talked to God and P and asked lots of questions that would be answered when i really won't care what the answers are. then i went back to get A. at church i ended up in the arms of my house mom (L) and cried some more. what comfort...

tuesday A and i went to VBS for the praise part and she loved it... especially the "na na" song. then we had to go for a follow up to the doctor. praise the Lord she is getting better. we do have to go and see the asthma and allergy specialist some time soon. please pray for that.
i also went to church because a friend's dad went to be with the Lord on Friday. i think of 2 corinthians 1:3-4. thinking of that family and praying for them.

so that's been a little bit of what we are up to. please continue to pray for us. A at the doctor today got into the play car and when i asked where she was going she answered, "driving to heaven". i really want to be able to mourn but also be available for A as she mourns in her little way.

i think that's it for now...

packages and e-mails

today i received a package of our things we left behind, but asked for friends to bring back when they come to the states. it's been a blessing getting our "life" in packages one at a time here and there, but sometimes find it funny that our lives are in boxes and bags. i guess it still helps with the processing. with some of the stuff, i have to honestly say, if i had more time i would have just left it there. :)

i got a really encouraging e-mail today from one of P's friend from overseas. cried while reading it. he mentioned how he went to our house and stood in front of it hoping all of this wasn't a bad dream and kind of hoping that P would walk out to open the door or hoping to hear A shriek from the inside of our house. wouldn't it be nice if it was a bad dream and we were there to open the door for such a dear friend?

the e-mail was sad, but encouraging... missing all that we left overseas, not just things, but our home, family, friends, ... life...

another e-mail i got was short, but made me realize how many people were involved with A, our friend and me getting back to the states. it was so quick that i don't even know if i thanked everyone, but i publically want to thank all of you, whether big or small, for helping us get back to the states. missing you all so much!!

**have more pictures on facebook**

JOY

a friend of ours told me a little after P's death about the joy that A has from P and i. i really didn't think much about it, even though i kind of knew what she meant (maybe because i was just so sad), but lately i am so thankful for that. for how much joy A has. she is just full of it and i love seeing her glow. so i thought i would share some pictures that show her joy. the last picture is the picture our friend sent me when she explained the joy. another friend of mine explained to me a few months back about our joy tanks in life, and if that's full, life is joyful and you enjoy it. i've been thinking about that... even though it's hard for us now, i think P has filled our joy tanks throughout our years together and now we just keep filling it up with the other things that give us joy.