Longing for hom...

This morning after I dropped off A, my heart broke and I cried for about 10 minutes while driving. (Not sure if I mentioned that P’s parents so graciously helped me get a car to get around town!) At a stop light, I saw a man, who I have seen many times, today was just different. This man was sitting on the curb with ragged grey clothes with a dingy hat on begging for money. What got me was his left arm, he did not have a left hand. My eyes weld up with tears as I thought of the bondage they lived. I’m not sure if anyone has watched “Slumdog Millionaire”, but that does not just happen in India. My heart could not bear and even as I type this, my heart is breaking for the people that are being used for money… sometimes having to sacrifice a body part…

Please pray for these people... even children, who are somehow under these awful people who use them to get money. I cannot imagine putting A in ragged clothing and making her lie on the cold concrete ground with a can by her head for people to drop money in. Yet there are parents who give their child(ren) up for this…

Please pray for the ones controlling this kind of “slavery”. Only the Lord can change their hearts.

Please pray for the people in high places. There are laws in some areas where they forbid money to be given to these beggars in hopes of getting rid of them, but people in high places are not enforcing these laws.

My prayer in the car was… “Jesus please come and end this injustice!!!” How I long for the day when Jesus comes to punish Satan and all the people he got to do his dirty work!! Father… my heart cannot bear this… how much more is Your heart aching for the people. Won’t you save them? Let your kingdom come…

My longing for heaven has multiplied today…

Question asked... answer given

When P first past away, I wished so many times that people would not ask certain questions. One of the questions were asking how I was doing and I don’t think I was ever rude, but I know I didn’t answer 99 percent of the people honestly. I would just tell them that I was doing well and went on. There were times that the people close to me would tell me that someone really wanted to know how I was doing, so they told them. I found this that I wrote a few months after his death… tells exactly how I felt I guess.

Please notice me…
Please see my hurt…
Please see past my smile…
Please notice that I have ran out of the room…
Please try to feel the pain I am feeling…
Please know that I am just trying to keep it together…
Please don’t tell me I’m being a certain way…
Please just accept my insanity…
Please know that I am actually feeling insane…
Please know that I feel like I’m going to go crazy…
Please notice me…
Please don’t avoid me…
Please at least smile…
Please understand that I know seeing me sometimes hurts you…
Please know I need a hug…
Please help me... just do it…
Please let me be…
Please don’t ask if I’m okay because I’m not…
Please …


Yesterday, I met a total stranger, but a sister and I was sharing my story and she asked how I was doing. It felt good to be at a place where it didn’t matter who asked and when, I enjoyed telling her how I felt because it was just telling about how great our God is.

Today at the gym I was thinking about how about a dozen people, not just random people, but close people who knew both P and I, asked a very difficult question. As I thought about it, I knew that many of you probably ask the same question and don’t even know if it is a question that is okay to ask and scared to offend me. So as I was on the treadmill, I thought I would answer the question. If a dozen people in the last month have asked, then I know that others are thinking the same… even myself.

Yesterday I went to small group, for the second time since I’ve been back. One of my brothers, who was a good friend of P’s, casually sat next to me and started talking to me. Among those questions, he asked how I was doing and stuff. Then he asked the “can I even ask this?” question. He asked if I thought about getting married again.

I can’t remember exactly when, but within the first few months of being here, I met up with some really dear friends. As I shared my heart of how it was so different/challenging being here alone with A and how I wished that I had someone to help me, one of my friends told me she wasn’t surprised. Then she told me of what I said June 17, 2008. That was the day of the memorial service here in town before heading back to the states. This friend remembered that after the service and after I had greeted all the people, I stood next to P with a few close friends, which included her. While we were standing there, she remembers me telling P that he needed to send me someone because I wasn’t going to raise A by myself and that I was going to get married again (something to that effect). I have to honestly say, I don’t remember saying that.

It’s been a little over 19 months… from the bottom of my heart, I was unsure to even put this blog up, just like many of you have been unsure or even scared to ask the forbidden question. I’ve been unsure of judgment actually. Everyone has their opinion of how you should raise a child, an opinion of what kind of clothes to wear, an opinion of colleges… then human tendencies are to then judge another for it is not what their standard or thinking was. And I didn’t want to hear how some people would think it was too soon, or if others would think how could I?

In my defense, “experts” say that if you had a great marriage the first time, you desire for it quicker.

Please don’t judge me.

Anyhow today, I feel it is a good time to answer this question… do I think about getting married again?

YES.

Do I want to get married again?

If the Lord will allow for me to have another husband, to love me and cherish me… if the Lord will allow for A to have another daddy to love her and make her feel special, I with overwhelming joy will praise God for His goodness and faithfulness in our life and receive such a gracious gift.

BUT until then, I will patiently wait upon the Lord and serve Him with my full capacity. And if the day never comes, I will praise Him still for He is my everlasting source of joy, peace, comfort, He is my Abba and my husband.

God knows what we need and what we desire and He will give when He sees fit.

There is more that I could share, but I think this is enough and everyone could see a glimpse of my heart.

bad to good...

this morning i woke up because my stomach was hurting. i felt like i was going to throw up. it was quite crazy... couldn't figure out what it was... then i actually did throw up, nothing big... but anyway... i didn't know how i was going to take A to school if i was feeling sick.

so i called some friends to arrange for someone to take and pick up anna. after she was off to school, i went back to sleep for another two hours. when i woke up, i was hungry. so i had some crackers... okay i won't tell you every detail, but God is so good...

i was feeling better, but my stomach was still not great... feeling a little queasy... i checked my phone which had a few messages... i checked them... one of them was from an old friend from here. PY went to school with P and i when we first came and spent some time at our house with P and CC hanging out and praying for each other. anyway... he was in town and wanted to visit. so we made a time, and the time was great because SG was also coming over for a date with A. one big party.... just knowing that i was going to be with people, made me feel better. ha ha...

so this afternoon SG came over to have a date with A... and as we waited for PY, another friend of mine called to see if she could drop by our new house and visit a little bit. so we had so many people come in our house today...

anyway... had a great time with JH who came to visit... we're neighbors... she and her family live a block away. was great to see PY, we haven't seen each other in probably two years. we caught up a lot, heard some great news that is still making me smile. and A had a great time with SG on their in home date...

i still feel a little queasy, but not like this morning. what i thought was going to be a bad day of just feeling icky, turned out to be such a good day, full of surprises that wouldn't let me even think about how i'm feeling. ha ha... thank you God. you are always giving me more than i could ever imagine. even on an ordinary day like today!!!

musim... = season

spring, summer, fall and winter is usually how the states determine the seasons... here it has to do with the fruit... oh it's musim manga (mangoes) or musim duku (no english tranlation)... right now it's musim rambutan (no english translation, but it's a little like leches). i love the fruits here so exotic and so beautiful. i just wish it didn't come with so many bugs.

seasons of life are not measurable... and sometimes it's sad how people try to define a season of life for themselves before they even start the season. usually planners... ha ha... that's me. i realized shortly after P's death, how i cannot by any means plan my life too far ahead as i had done before... the bad thing about this realization is that i, being the planner that i am, still have the urge to plan knowing that planning has no meaning because God is in control and things just may not happen the way we plan.

my heart says it with such humbleness... i know in my heart, i may plan, but each day is to be lived for the Lord... planned as you see fit, but also with open hands seeing what the Lord desires of me daily. i really want the spirit to lead my day... my heart open to hear from Him who desires to lead me and desires me to listen.

a few days ago a friend involved in college ministries in the states e-mailed me and it was a short, but very encouraging e-mail. and as i read that e-mail, i wished that i had a leader like him when i was in college, investing in my life as he and his wife are doing.

there are some seasons in my life i would like to do again... yet without those seasons, i guess i would not be the E that i am today.

Lord, thank you for the seasons i have had in my life, the short ones... the long ones... the very very short ones... the sweet ones... the hard ones... the fun ones... the ones full of memories... the breathtaking ones... the i can't get out of bed ones... all those seasons, ordained by You... creates the woman i am today. Thank you for letting me see Your hand in my life through all those seasons... sometimes i have to say, it took a while to see Your hand much less Your goodness in it, but let me say God... You are good and i want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life telling people of the wonderful things you have in my life. my only prayer Lord is that A will grow up to have a heart for people... my only prayer is that there will be people in her life that will invest in her, especially godly men, to grow her into a godly woman that You want her to be. Father, i can't do it by myself... i need you to help me parent her as You are growing me... some may say she's too young, but she is something else... Lord be lord of her life starting now.

Father please hear the desires of our hearts!!!

keep it coming

thank you for those of you who have already responded to my request of personal information if you wanted me to keep sending letters of correspondence to you. i just want you to know that i am not going to assume certain people want to hear from me, so please please please, respond. i will only send to those who respond.

thank you.

it's still here

most geckos make noises... this gecko that i wrote about the other day does not. i thought that it had found it's way out of the house. it is still in my room. the other day when i was going to sleep, it was on the wall between my bed post and me... today i found it by my dresser... i wanted to take a picture, but my camera was on my dresser and i knew if i got close it would run. so i tried to take it with my computer. it did not come out as well... then i went to the bathroom. when i came back i could not find it... then i found it... here is a series of pictures. you may not think this is a big deal... it really isn't for me, other than the fact that i would rather have it out of the house and not in my room. ugh... so tomorrow when i have help in the house, we are going to have to capture it and do away with it... maybe put it in the yard or something.




**with my camera that i oh so bravely got from on top of my dresser knowing that it was behind my dresser lurking... ha ha... it's just sitting there waiting for me to sleep again so it could roam about my room. ugh!!!**



**next to my dresser... can't see it well because of the quality on the computer**



**the tail from the bed post before i went to sleep**

new beginnings and the munchies

we are really enjoying the new house... i'm enjoying our backyard the most... just so beautiful full of beautiful flowers... it's just so great to be out there in the mornings to do my quiet times. A will play on the back porch while i study the word. it's been a blessing.

tonight i saw a tail under my bed... the tip of the tail and i have to say that my heart dropped not knowing exactly what this tail was from and if it was the tip, how big the something was.... i couldn't scream since A was at home, so i oh so bravely looked under the bed and there was a gecko... cute little guy. i didn't like the fact that he was probably there for the nights i've been there sleeping with me... i told A to go and look at it... she then asked if it would come to her room and that she didn't want it in her room. after i put her to bed, i went to try to get it out of my room, but now it's gone... where it went, no one knows...

i've had the munchies for two days. just keep wanting to munch on something. so bad. i'm trying to fulfill most of it with fruits and veggies, but come on everyone... does that really satisfy when you have the munchies... no.... so i've been eating chocolate and doritos... goldfish and chocolate. ha ha... i need to hit the gym like everyday this week not just three days... :)

that's it from this end.

Confidence

Confidence is shown from the time you take your first step to the time you go to your first job interview… to the first time you get behind the wheel… to the first time you tell your special someone you love them… to the first time you tell someone they are annoying you… a lot of situations need confidence and it is shown in different ways and in front of a variety of people…

What does confidence look like in front of God? I think I sometimes mistake people who are confident to people who are proud. Therefore even though I am confident in certain things, I think that I’m being proud and do not share the confidence due to the fear of looking proud, which of course in Asian culture is like a serious NO NO.

Christ gives us confidence in salvation and if we live in that confidence I think our lives would be different, not just different, but radically different. How much will our words and actions hold meaning if they were done in the confidence of Christ?

I don’t know if I’m making any sense… it’s 9:15 the day after I moved to my new house and I’m beat… but maybe this will make sense…

I’m learning how to pray in confidence… and I could only compare it to A and my relationship. You see I don’t think any of A’s questions are dumb (although sometimes I think they are a little funny) nor do I think any of her requests are nonsense (although sometimes they are like way out there)…. She knows mommy will answer the questions she asks and that she could ask anything and mommy will do it for her, sometimes… I think of how confident she is around me… could be so silly and crazy, but when she’s in front of new people it takes time for her… it’s because I’m here mom… in a non-comparable but almost similar way, God is our father and he doesn’t think that we ask dumb questions nor does he think our requests are nonsense, I think more so He delights in the fact that we could come before Him with anything. Of course maybe His answer isn’t going to be exactly what we had wanted, but He’s our father… I go to the verse where it talks about how if a son asks for fish, who would give him a snake... how much more than our heavenly father, listens to us. I’ve found such comfort in that verse lately… and many more about prayer. God is listening and the Spirit is ready to petition for us… so where is our confidence in what the Lord wants and desires to do for us?

I’ve prayed about many things these past weeks… prayed for direction… prayed for a house… prayed for a car… prayed for specific things to fall into place… all these things I’ve prayed for in a new kind of confidence… God’s been so good… every petition has been answered in ways far greater than I could imagine. Awesome is our God. He is so good. There are still prayers that need to be answered, but I could totally feel God’s face shining upon me and that He is delighting in the way that I have been surrendering to Him lately…

Lord thank you…

How can we say this is not God?

God has been doing some amazing things in my life and not only me, but people who are around me are so sure that this is clearly from God.

Here is the summary...

The Lord's been working so hard in my heart to trust Him and listen to His voice... Now that I'm here and do not know how long the Lord wants me here, I want to make every second count, investing into what He has for me.

In all this, the Lord has led me to move to another house, closer to my work, closer to many friends/support... I prayed that He would literally make things fall onto my lap as I make plans if it be His will.. and He's done exactly that and beyond.

We move on Saturday, Lord willing. A and I went to see the house again today with a really good friend and A did not want to come home... she wanted to just live there. The Lord is so good!!!

There are many other things that the Lord's been doing, but that is the biggest one...

Please pray for us as we move... God is bringing along some awesome people to help... Again He's in control and leading us in amazing ways. Pray for safety.

Please pray for adjustment.

I am amazed at how He is working out such details and find more assurance of my Father listening to my prayers. Praise God!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

2010

**my favorite activities on vacation were going on a bike ride with A and a friend through the shore and around the villages. the other favorite was renting the atv and cruising the town with it. it was so much fun and A was so good at holding on the back and soaking everything in. toward the middle of the atv ride, A pulls on my shirt and says, "mom, you're really good at this." ha ha... i laughed so hard. it was a great vacation. thanks mom and dad P for christmas money so we could enjoy our vacation.**


this year is going to be a good year. not just a feeling, i sense the Lord is going to do some pretty cool things this year, in me, through me and around me. i'm every excited about this year. it's also a major milestone year for me as i will be turning 30... woo hoo... and although i am excited to enter into the world of 30's, i know when the day comes, i may be a little sad to leave my 20's. ha ha... today i realized that in less than a month A is going to turn 4. i couldn't believe it. time sure is flying by fast. two years ago, P and i, actually more me, but we planned a pretty cool picnic party with A's neighborhood friends. it was quite fun. so i can't believe two years have already passed since then.

2010... is going to be pretty darn good.

i've been reading this book that MP, my bro-in-law, sent me. i really am enjoying it. it's called "forgotten God" and it's about the holy spirit. it's been challenging me in many ways, but i wanted to share one thing that i have felt many a times. the author talks about this...

the holy spirit is such a real thing... Jesus leaves so He could send us the Spirit. how come we live so much of our lives without HIM?

the one reason He gave that i feel totally describes me is that we are scared of what HE will ask us to do, so we just go about life without HIM and don't ask too many questions of what HE wants from us. i am totally on that boat. i know that if i ask, then He will ask me to do the impossible, so i'd rather not... i've also learned how much more joy it is to do the impossible, because really everything is possible through Christ who gives us strength.

so in 2010, i want to live more with the spirit's leading. i think i've been saying so much of how i want more of Jesus and less of me... but if i want that to happen in my life... i really need to be connect to the spirit... even if it means doing the hard things in life. for after all, our lives are for Christ... not ourselves.

2010 here i come...

************************************************************************************
praises...
* had a great christmas and new years with people we love.

* had a wonderful neighborhood christmas movie party.

* had a great vacation with friends. made awesome memories.

* continually seeing God's hand at work in our lives.



please pray for us...

* there are some decisions that need to be made. pray for wisdom and the Lord's leading in all things.

* P and i had been trying for about a year and a half to have another child before he died... i can't say that longing is gone... so when i see babies, hold them or see pregnant women, it's hard at times. my heart aches from the longing, which stirs up a lot of other emotions. please pray for me as the Lord speaks to me in those deep longings i have.

* A starts school on Monday after 2 1/2 weeks of vacation. pray for smooth transitions.

* continual health and safety here.