When P first past away, I wished so many times that people would not ask certain questions. One of the questions were asking how I was doing and I don’t think I was ever rude, but I know I didn’t answer 99 percent of the people honestly. I would just tell them that I was doing well and went on. There were times that the people close to me would tell me that someone really wanted to know how I was doing, so they told them. I found this that I wrote a few months after his death… tells exactly how I felt I guess.
Please notice me…
Please see my hurt…
Please see past my smile…
Please notice that I have ran out of the room…
Please try to feel the pain I am feeling…
Please know that I am just trying to keep it together…
Please don’t tell me I’m being a certain way…
Please just accept my insanity…
Please know that I am actually feeling insane…
Please know that I feel like I’m going to go crazy…
Please notice me…
Please don’t avoid me…
Please at least smile…
Please understand that I know seeing me sometimes hurts you…
Please know I need a hug…
Please help me... just do it…
Please let me be…
Please don’t ask if I’m okay because I’m not…
Please …
Yesterday, I met a total stranger, but a sister and I was sharing my story and she asked how I was doing. It felt good to be at a place where it didn’t matter who asked and when, I enjoyed telling her how I felt because it was just telling about how great our God is.
Today at the gym I was thinking about how about a dozen people, not just random people, but close people who knew both P and I, asked a very difficult question. As I thought about it, I knew that many of you probably ask the same question and don’t even know if it is a question that is okay to ask and scared to offend me. So as I was on the treadmill, I thought I would answer the question. If a dozen people in the last month have asked, then I know that others are thinking the same… even myself.
Yesterday I went to small group, for the second time since I’ve been back. One of my brothers, who was a good friend of P’s, casually sat next to me and started talking to me. Among those questions, he asked how I was doing and stuff. Then he asked the “can I even ask this?” question. He asked if I thought about getting married again.
I can’t remember exactly when, but within the first few months of being here, I met up with some really dear friends. As I shared my heart of how it was so different/challenging being here alone with A and how I wished that I had someone to help me, one of my friends told me she wasn’t surprised. Then she told me of what I said June 17, 2008. That was the day of the memorial service here in town before heading back to the states. This friend remembered that after the service and after I had greeted all the people, I stood next to P with a few close friends, which included her. While we were standing there, she remembers me telling P that he needed to send me someone because I wasn’t going to raise A by myself and that I was going to get married again (something to that effect). I have to honestly say, I don’t remember saying that.
It’s been a little over 19 months… from the bottom of my heart, I was unsure to even put this blog up, just like many of you have been unsure or even scared to ask the forbidden question. I’ve been unsure of judgment actually. Everyone has their opinion of how you should raise a child, an opinion of what kind of clothes to wear, an opinion of colleges… then human tendencies are to then judge another for it is not what their standard or thinking was. And I didn’t want to hear how some people would think it was too soon, or if others would think how could I?
In my defense, “experts” say that if you had a great marriage the first time, you desire for it quicker.
Please don’t judge me.
Anyhow today, I feel it is a good time to answer this question… do I think about getting married again?
YES.
Do I want to get married again?
If the Lord will allow for me to have another husband, to love me and cherish me… if the Lord will allow for A to have another daddy to love her and make her feel special, I with overwhelming joy will praise God for His goodness and faithfulness in our life and receive such a gracious gift.
BUT until then, I will patiently wait upon the Lord and serve Him with my full capacity. And if the day never comes, I will praise Him still for He is my everlasting source of joy, peace, comfort, He is my Abba and my husband.
God knows what we need and what we desire and He will give when He sees fit.
There is more that I could share, but I think this is enough and everyone could see a glimpse of my heart.
