a week and three days left. most of my stuff in bags, weeding through them and then doing it again. all the furniture gone (except for the ones that were here). cleaning left. going to stay at LM and GM's house in a few days before i leave. a whole ray of emotions... excited, sad, lonely, hopeful, mad, all those crazy feelings...
people have asked how i'm doing...
what seems like years ago is actually only been a year... and here i am moving on to what the Lord has for me next. the joy of the Lord is my strength. i do good on most days, once in a while, not so good. i have confidence that the Lord will provide. He is good and although sometimes my plans don't turn out the way i wanted it to, i have learned that His plans are so much better. no i would not have wanted my life to be what it is today, but i am so thankful for the way the Lord has shown Himself to me throughout this year, throughout my process/journey... not that i don't want P back, but if this is the way God wanted this relationship with me, i can't say it wasn't worth it. because the truth of the matter is, i'm going to see P again and compared to the eternity we are going to have together with our Lord and Savior, this is nothing. i realize the temporaryness of this life and that what we are to do in this world is give glory to God. so it sucks that P is gone and it sucks that A's daddy is not going to be around to help grow her, but the Lord will provide... He loves us too much not to. He will go before us and give us a place to lay our heads, He'll provide men in A's life that will be a man figure in her life, He'll protect us, He'll do what He sees best for us (even when it doesn't make sense) and in the end when we get to see Him face to face, we'll see the glory of it all and see so much more how worth it, it was.
so i am working at starting a new chapter in my life and closing this one...
please pray for me... pray for A... the people we will be with and meet... health and safety... pray for KS & JS as they are taking us over...
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
woo hoo!!!
my computer is back!!! thank you so much NA for fixing it!!! you guys are great!!!
**updating facebook pictures**
**updating facebook pictures**
Sunday, May 24, 2009
family
everyone starts out in the safe comfort of their mother's womb and from the moment they enter the world they start to find out about life little by little. these past few weeks, i've been relearning the importance of family. whether you are born, adopted or married into a family, family is family.
on mother's day, my parents flew in to spend the last few weeks with A and me. now the thing about mothers, and i know i'll probably be one of these mothers as all mothers are, is that even though from the moment their baby comes out they start figuring out life, they want to hold your hand and walk you through it. i hear from people over 60 year old say that their mom is still so involved in their life. funny how mothers are... but anyway, it was such a great thing to be with my mom on mother's day and be a family.
then for a week i spent it with P's family... now i wasn't born into this family, but from the moment i stepped into their lives in may of 2004, they accepted me as family. AP greeted me with the best hug ever at the airport... dad, as a dentist, gave me the best compliment about my chompers... mom told me how P never brought a girl home before and this was a big deal... MP made me a homemade milkshake a few minutes after i mentioned i liked them... they loved me then and still do now... so when i said good-bye to them, it was hard... the hardest was when dad was leaving for work after lunch and we were saying our last good-byes... he reached for my hand and held it... he didn't have to say much, but i knew his heart.
the other thing about family i feel is that they are the best and worst... i mean you could spend so much time away from them and still start the same place you ended, but they are also the ones that drive you nuts the most. (just being honest. i know many feel this way. - i think P was the one that drove me nuts the most, but who i loved the most too. we still have that problem, even though he's been gone almost a year, he gets on my nerves the most, but i still miss him the most.) but through all that, family is family. so you may have the worst of times, but then mom may make your favorite meal or your sister may do something really nice or your dad may take your kids out for you or your husband brings home a bouquet of flowers... whatever it may be... you remember how much they mean to you and then the worst goes away.
i'm also adopted into many families and what an honor that has been over time... but the best family is happens to be the body/family in Christ. and what a blessing this family is... what a blessing it is that the Lord Himself shed blood for us that we may be a family in Him. i'm floored by that... and how i could go to a church that i barely know 4 people, but feel like i'm part of the family. it happened to me these past two sundays... i walk into a church and i know that those people love me, pray for me and really care for me. what a body/family it is... and over this year, i've come to so appreciate the family of christ... that in the midst of the worst time of my life, they surrounded me with love, care, support, and prayer. i don't know where i would be without so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ. it's like enjoying a piece of heaven on earth.
the things is... we are family by blood, whether it is biological or through Christ, blood is what brings us together. i feel sad thinking of all those out there not in a family... abandoned, run aways, or whatever circumstance... if only they knew there was blood that will take them in as family... that it's already there readily available for them to be a member of the family... that membership is even free... something to think about huh?
what a gift family is... my family, P's family, the M's, the R's, the B's... and all those in the Lord.
on mother's day, my parents flew in to spend the last few weeks with A and me. now the thing about mothers, and i know i'll probably be one of these mothers as all mothers are, is that even though from the moment their baby comes out they start figuring out life, they want to hold your hand and walk you through it. i hear from people over 60 year old say that their mom is still so involved in their life. funny how mothers are... but anyway, it was such a great thing to be with my mom on mother's day and be a family.
then for a week i spent it with P's family... now i wasn't born into this family, but from the moment i stepped into their lives in may of 2004, they accepted me as family. AP greeted me with the best hug ever at the airport... dad, as a dentist, gave me the best compliment about my chompers... mom told me how P never brought a girl home before and this was a big deal... MP made me a homemade milkshake a few minutes after i mentioned i liked them... they loved me then and still do now... so when i said good-bye to them, it was hard... the hardest was when dad was leaving for work after lunch and we were saying our last good-byes... he reached for my hand and held it... he didn't have to say much, but i knew his heart.
the other thing about family i feel is that they are the best and worst... i mean you could spend so much time away from them and still start the same place you ended, but they are also the ones that drive you nuts the most. (just being honest. i know many feel this way. - i think P was the one that drove me nuts the most, but who i loved the most too. we still have that problem, even though he's been gone almost a year, he gets on my nerves the most, but i still miss him the most.) but through all that, family is family. so you may have the worst of times, but then mom may make your favorite meal or your sister may do something really nice or your dad may take your kids out for you or your husband brings home a bouquet of flowers... whatever it may be... you remember how much they mean to you and then the worst goes away.
i'm also adopted into many families and what an honor that has been over time... but the best family is happens to be the body/family in Christ. and what a blessing this family is... what a blessing it is that the Lord Himself shed blood for us that we may be a family in Him. i'm floored by that... and how i could go to a church that i barely know 4 people, but feel like i'm part of the family. it happened to me these past two sundays... i walk into a church and i know that those people love me, pray for me and really care for me. what a body/family it is... and over this year, i've come to so appreciate the family of christ... that in the midst of the worst time of my life, they surrounded me with love, care, support, and prayer. i don't know where i would be without so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ. it's like enjoying a piece of heaven on earth.
the things is... we are family by blood, whether it is biological or through Christ, blood is what brings us together. i feel sad thinking of all those out there not in a family... abandoned, run aways, or whatever circumstance... if only they knew there was blood that will take them in as family... that it's already there readily available for them to be a member of the family... that membership is even free... something to think about huh?
what a gift family is... my family, P's family, the M's, the R's, the B's... and all those in the Lord.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
did you know
tomorrow (which is already today in some parts of the world) people are celebrating the ascension of Jesus. i was so surprised when i moved overseas wondering why i never knew about that day... why i've been to church all my life but never once took that day and remembered it to be the day the Lord ascended into heaven. that was a remarkable day... and again i'm in the states and hat to be reminded by a facebook message from a friend from overseas. he wrote about this day to me and again i'm astonished that no one here has even mentioned it. the embassy i was at today (to pick up my visa PTL) is taking tomorrow off because their country takes the day off for it... interesting huh?
today i started to pack again after coming back from being with family. i'm glad friends came over for dessert and kept me company. 2 weeks and 6 days... can you believe it? time is flying by so fast. i'll be there in no time.
was with RB and TB today and realizing how hard it is going to be... coming home to my parents watching A and knowing even that is coming to an end... then going to SR's house and realizing how much i'm going to miss her and her kids and all the fun things we did together. ugh... calling KS when i needed someone to talk to... talking on the phone with AH and her harassing me to stay then acting like she doesn't care (i love you girl). having MR and BR come and play with A and realizing what they have meant to her and me too of course. talking to TB and getting excited about going back... there are a lot more, but this is just from today.
today we set up the scholorship in P's name at his school. that was a pretty emotional time... thanks to all those who gave. it is such a blessing to be able to do that. A talks about going to daddy's school when she grows up...
i feel like i've been all over the board on this entry... i'm tired. need to sleep.
please pray for A and i as our days come to a close. pray for good rest (especially that A will stay in her room through the night).
today i started to pack again after coming back from being with family. i'm glad friends came over for dessert and kept me company. 2 weeks and 6 days... can you believe it? time is flying by so fast. i'll be there in no time.
was with RB and TB today and realizing how hard it is going to be... coming home to my parents watching A and knowing even that is coming to an end... then going to SR's house and realizing how much i'm going to miss her and her kids and all the fun things we did together. ugh... calling KS when i needed someone to talk to... talking on the phone with AH and her harassing me to stay then acting like she doesn't care (i love you girl). having MR and BR come and play with A and realizing what they have meant to her and me too of course. talking to TB and getting excited about going back... there are a lot more, but this is just from today.
today we set up the scholorship in P's name at his school. that was a pretty emotional time... thanks to all those who gave. it is such a blessing to be able to do that. A talks about going to daddy's school when she grows up...
i feel like i've been all over the board on this entry... i'm tired. need to sleep.
please pray for A and i as our days come to a close. pray for good rest (especially that A will stay in her room through the night).
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
don't worry about tomorrow
i feel like that phrase has been a part of my life for the past week. i am in kansas right now visiting P's family... have been here for a week and now will head back home in a little bit. while i was here i really felt like my priority was to be here and not worry about tomorrow.
if you walk into my house in chicago, you will find boxes lined up by the door and bags starting to fill with stuff that i am taking with me back to the other side of the world. so while i was here, i put all that behind me and just enjoyed the time here. it was really nice to have family to wake up with A and that i got to sleep in... and it was nice that i could stay up late knowing that someone would take care of her. one of the mornings, E (her almost 6 yr old) cousin was in charge of the kids (3 altogether) because all the adults were sleeping. ha ha... but it was good to be with family... it is bitter sweet... enjoying each other, but also missing the link that brought us together.
i've really enjoyed my time in kansas... it's really pretty with beautiful open fields. last night i drove out to walmart (which is like the happening place here) and the stars in the sky was amazing. i just stared at them for a while... God is so good in all that He made and how i want to praise Him for the awesome things i see around me that He handmade.
there is a bit of disturbing information about kansas that i learned right before i came... kansas is a state that does 2nd trimester and 3rd trimester abortions... ugh... i was sick to my stomach when i heard that.
so this afternoon i am heading to the airport to catch my flight out to chicago. i'll be home and that's when the worries will start... ha ha... really not worries, but there are some serious things i need to take care of. BUT... PTL i got my visa all taken care of and i will pick that up tomorrow. yeah!!!! three more weeks today and i will be closing my chapter here in the states and starting yet another chapter in the land across the ocean.
yesterday i got to meet a couple well into their 90's that have been praying for P, A and me, way before i even came into the picture of P's life. it was such a blessing to see them again, but i really enjoyed when we said good-bye... because we talked about meeting in heaven... our real home. that's such a blessing to be able to say that to the people we know... i'll see you at home... that's where we'll see P too... at our home.
that brings up how home just means something so different to all of us. i thought at one point that the states was my home... then i was suddenly back to this place i called home and it wasn't home... and through this year i've truly learned that the one place i could call home and that never changes is heaven... where my Savior is preparing a room for me... and the promise that if i don't see you some time in the future, i will definitely see you at home.
if you walk into my house in chicago, you will find boxes lined up by the door and bags starting to fill with stuff that i am taking with me back to the other side of the world. so while i was here, i put all that behind me and just enjoyed the time here. it was really nice to have family to wake up with A and that i got to sleep in... and it was nice that i could stay up late knowing that someone would take care of her. one of the mornings, E (her almost 6 yr old) cousin was in charge of the kids (3 altogether) because all the adults were sleeping. ha ha... but it was good to be with family... it is bitter sweet... enjoying each other, but also missing the link that brought us together.
i've really enjoyed my time in kansas... it's really pretty with beautiful open fields. last night i drove out to walmart (which is like the happening place here) and the stars in the sky was amazing. i just stared at them for a while... God is so good in all that He made and how i want to praise Him for the awesome things i see around me that He handmade.
there is a bit of disturbing information about kansas that i learned right before i came... kansas is a state that does 2nd trimester and 3rd trimester abortions... ugh... i was sick to my stomach when i heard that.
so this afternoon i am heading to the airport to catch my flight out to chicago. i'll be home and that's when the worries will start... ha ha... really not worries, but there are some serious things i need to take care of. BUT... PTL i got my visa all taken care of and i will pick that up tomorrow. yeah!!!! three more weeks today and i will be closing my chapter here in the states and starting yet another chapter in the land across the ocean.
yesterday i got to meet a couple well into their 90's that have been praying for P, A and me, way before i even came into the picture of P's life. it was such a blessing to see them again, but i really enjoyed when we said good-bye... because we talked about meeting in heaven... our real home. that's such a blessing to be able to say that to the people we know... i'll see you at home... that's where we'll see P too... at our home.
that brings up how home just means something so different to all of us. i thought at one point that the states was my home... then i was suddenly back to this place i called home and it wasn't home... and through this year i've truly learned that the one place i could call home and that never changes is heaven... where my Savior is preparing a room for me... and the promise that if i don't see you some time in the future, i will definitely see you at home.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
hallmark days
it's so funny how hallmark could make or break a day for us huh? like valentine's day... women wait around hoping to get a box of chocolate or a dozen roses... or sweetheart day... or grandparents day (never heard of it til a few years ago).... not to say that we shouldn't celebrate the ones we love... but that particular day??? have to get a card or go out to jared's and get something great for someone perfect... don't mean to sound like a scrooge, but as i walked around macy's today, looking for a gift that A could buy me, i started to cry... not because i felt pitiful i was essentially getting myself a mother's day gift, but thinking of how if P was here i wouldn't have done it... he would have already gotten me a gift and taken me out for a good meal... made a poster with A and hung it in my room... all those things and more... then i thought to myself of the random times (maybe like 4 times), P would hand me some money and tell me to go get something for myself and drive me to my favorite stores... so i thought of that as my eyes were watering... and that's what i did... just thought of it as him giving me money and i went to go get myself something nice. although i did make A pick out my gift... i took her to the purse section and she picked one... i really like it too... of course i coaxed her a little with the style that i may like, but ha ha... nonetheless she got me a great gift... we both missed P a lot today... she did say again, "i wish daddy were here with us." so here a great day in which we remember mothers... where hallmark kind of took over... but again a day that we should honor our mothers... they deserve it don't they...
my mom... she's a great mom. sacrificed a lot for us over the years. she worked hard for all of us and loved us well. the most important job she carries out is praying for each of her daughters every morning at about 5... she'll wake up (and unless she is really ill), she'll go to church and get on her knees and pray for us... that's why each of us girls are who we are now. thanks mom for all that you did and do for us... keep praying for us... we still need it... your little babies.
JS... you became of one moms... you loved me and took me in as one of the children of your heart. you watched as P and i grew to love each other and told me he was up to something the day before he proposed. you took me for who i was and heard everything i had to say. i love you.
TB... although you are not really old enough to be my mom, you definitely took on not only that role but much more when we came by you guys... i knew you were someone i could call at any time and know there wasn't going to be any judgment as to what i said or how i said it. you walked me through some of the toughest times of my life and loved me through it all. thanks... you are such a blessing.
EP... P's mom... you took me in since the first time i walked through your door. you gave me hugs and encouraged me... always telling me how i was the perfect one for your son... how he waited for me... even now... thanks. he loved you mom... he really appreciated the way you taught him how to memorize scripture. you were a good mom to him and i really love the way he turned out... i mean that's why i married him right? i love you!!!
LJM... i was shattered into pieces when you took me in... you never pushed me to do anything but be myself and waited until i was ready. you were always so good at giving me hugs and letting me know you were there. you had great meals ready for us, i never had to really lift a finger. you really made me feel at home and part of the family. i don't know where i would be without you and your family... thank you so much!!! i love you.
the other day i was listening to k-love and they were talking about how there is not only the biological mother, but the spiritual mothers... i pray that some day A will be blessed with people like the ones i mentioned above.
mother's day... i don't think it would have been so rough if it wasn't so commercialized, but i do think it's a very important day... look at all the moms i have. i love you all!!!
my mom... she's a great mom. sacrificed a lot for us over the years. she worked hard for all of us and loved us well. the most important job she carries out is praying for each of her daughters every morning at about 5... she'll wake up (and unless she is really ill), she'll go to church and get on her knees and pray for us... that's why each of us girls are who we are now. thanks mom for all that you did and do for us... keep praying for us... we still need it... your little babies.
JS... you became of one moms... you loved me and took me in as one of the children of your heart. you watched as P and i grew to love each other and told me he was up to something the day before he proposed. you took me for who i was and heard everything i had to say. i love you.
TB... although you are not really old enough to be my mom, you definitely took on not only that role but much more when we came by you guys... i knew you were someone i could call at any time and know there wasn't going to be any judgment as to what i said or how i said it. you walked me through some of the toughest times of my life and loved me through it all. thanks... you are such a blessing.
EP... P's mom... you took me in since the first time i walked through your door. you gave me hugs and encouraged me... always telling me how i was the perfect one for your son... how he waited for me... even now... thanks. he loved you mom... he really appreciated the way you taught him how to memorize scripture. you were a good mom to him and i really love the way he turned out... i mean that's why i married him right? i love you!!!
LJM... i was shattered into pieces when you took me in... you never pushed me to do anything but be myself and waited until i was ready. you were always so good at giving me hugs and letting me know you were there. you had great meals ready for us, i never had to really lift a finger. you really made me feel at home and part of the family. i don't know where i would be without you and your family... thank you so much!!! i love you.
the other day i was listening to k-love and they were talking about how there is not only the biological mother, but the spiritual mothers... i pray that some day A will be blessed with people like the ones i mentioned above.
mother's day... i don't think it would have been so rough if it wasn't so commercialized, but i do think it's a very important day... look at all the moms i have. i love you all!!!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
i wish...
my daughter learned the phrase "i wish..." that's a pretty challenging phrase... it's good to wish and have hope, but to teach her that not all you wish for comes true. that what we desire in life may not always be what God wants... for example, she played on a child sized john deer tractor with her friends and she came up to me and said, "mommy, i wish i had that at our house." funny right... or she'll see someone with something she's never seen before and wants, she'll look at me and say, "mommy, i wish i had ..." and fills in the blank. those are rather simple things that she wishes for and also rather simple for me to answer. we talk about needs and wants and how that all works... tough for a three year old, but hopefully it will teach her something for the long run.
the one thing she wishes for that i am at a loss for words is... "mommy, i wish daddy was here"... she has been saying this at times where she feels like we are having a good time... like the other day when we went on our date and today when we went to see "sesame street live". all i could say is, "yeah me too". how could she not?? i don't know what sparks her to miss her daddy or want her daddy at those moments, but i definitely see families with their kids, especially dads with their kids on their shoulder and think... "ugh... that's what he would be doing." so here we are months later... actually in about 9 days it will be 11 months... next month it will be a year... still missing him and wanting him to do the things that he did... wanting him to still be our daddy/husband.
please pray for little A... through all that she is still grieving and cannot express. also pray for her, with all the traveling we have been doing and will do, her immune system is off. she's starting to show signs of a cold. please keep her in your prayers.
the one thing she wishes for that i am at a loss for words is... "mommy, i wish daddy was here"... she has been saying this at times where she feels like we are having a good time... like the other day when we went on our date and today when we went to see "sesame street live". all i could say is, "yeah me too". how could she not?? i don't know what sparks her to miss her daddy or want her daddy at those moments, but i definitely see families with their kids, especially dads with their kids on their shoulder and think... "ugh... that's what he would be doing." so here we are months later... actually in about 9 days it will be 11 months... next month it will be a year... still missing him and wanting him to do the things that he did... wanting him to still be our daddy/husband.
please pray for little A... through all that she is still grieving and cannot express. also pray for her, with all the traveling we have been doing and will do, her immune system is off. she's starting to show signs of a cold. please keep her in your prayers.
what are we doing?
these past few days i have spent with friends, KP and JP's family... i am actually going to make this short due to it being past 12 already and i have lots to do tomorrow. but i do want to make one point. people... we are at war... we know what the outcome will be, but everyday we wake up and enter a battle field... we are told to put on the armor of God. i was so convicted a few nights ago on that thought... "we are at war". are we ready? what are we doing to get ready for it daily?? people we are at war!!! what are we doing to save the people around us from the enemy? again a conviction of my own... what am i doing?? daily am i ready to fight the fight... go to battle for the Lord. Satan is fighting hard whether we realize it or not... we don't want to loose a battle when the war is already won... we are at war!!!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
none are the same
one thought i just had was how creative God is... i've really learned to appreciate God's creation more since P died and how they all bring glory to God in their own way... as i watched the movie "earth"... i couldn't believe how people would probably watch that and actually walk away without an ounce of awe. God is so awesome in all creation... one of my favorites from the movie was this bird in the rain forest... i mean this bird was awesome and i just thought how creative God was in making that bird... and how unique it was. i thought of how everything God created brings glory to Him... the way the flowers sway in the wind, the way the birds chirp and praise Him... all these things... how much more than should we be doing that? Look around you and see the things that are obeying God and see if that's what you are doing... i sure do and it really humbles me to think that even the flowers bring glory to God... what am i really doing?
God... daddy... Jesus...
my daughters answer to all life's questions are God... daddy... Jesus... so tonight we were talking about how she was scared of her room. i told her that she doesn't have to be scared... i said, "we don't have to be scared. remember who's watching over you all the time..." her answer, "daddy, Jesus, God..." ha ha... i love that girl.
the other day for date night i took her to her first movie. she calls it the "movie computer" instead of the movie theatre. anyways, we went and got some popcorn and watched "earth". she loved it. she actually sat and watched the whole thing and the entire time we had a dialogue of how God made the earth and God had control even over the animals... we talked about how God created all the animals and even us. she was fascinated. i just so love that girl.
our busy days have started... tomorrow we will go and visit our friends (JP and KP and kids) for a few days. we'll have a day in between and then we go for another three trip with our family that adopted us. then off to kansas to see P's family for a week. it is absolutely crazy how these days are winding down...
please pray for us as we travel... ask God that He continues to reveal Himself to both A and myself... pray for health as we travel these next couple weeks... pray for good rest in the travels and obedience on A's part.
i know the Lord is going before us...
the other day for date night i took her to her first movie. she calls it the "movie computer" instead of the movie theatre. anyways, we went and got some popcorn and watched "earth". she loved it. she actually sat and watched the whole thing and the entire time we had a dialogue of how God made the earth and God had control even over the animals... we talked about how God created all the animals and even us. she was fascinated. i just so love that girl.
our busy days have started... tomorrow we will go and visit our friends (JP and KP and kids) for a few days. we'll have a day in between and then we go for another three trip with our family that adopted us. then off to kansas to see P's family for a week. it is absolutely crazy how these days are winding down...
please pray for us as we travel... ask God that He continues to reveal Himself to both A and myself... pray for health as we travel these next couple weeks... pray for good rest in the travels and obedience on A's part.
i know the Lord is going before us...
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