Sorority Girls

sorority girls is what my friend said last night as we talked the night away. it was an unexpected gift to my day. after putting the last blog post up and feeling a little down, i didn't know if i wanted to go to bible study. i debated even on the way there, whether to turn the car around and join family that was going to see zoo lights or continue on my way. i continued to go to bible study. anyway... i kind of didn't know what to expect and really thought that i was going to break down and fall apart, but through the grace of God, i again had a pretty good time. afterward, a friend, AH, asked if i would like to hang out. so the two of us headed out... sorority girls. it was so much fun... target run and denny's. God blessed me with a friend exactly when i needed it. thanks AH for being there to have fun and also listen to all my woes. :) i love you!!!

it's snowing!! i can't wait until A actually sees the piled snow. it'll be so crazy for her!!!

where's my family?

this is a question that was in my mind a lot these past few days with thanksgiving and vacation with A. where is my family? i left my family to marry P and make my own family... that was my family for three years plus... where did it go? my family and P's family are definitely family... but my family... my immediate family? where is that? A and i are here...
don't get me wrong. we had a fabulous time this weekend. A and i went ice-skating, shopped, rode a carriage, ate good food, and all these fun things, but i thought of how it would have been if he was here. how my back wouldn't be so aching from crouching and bending in weird ways while A was skating... how she would have rode on his shoulders to see the "bucket drummers" in front of macy's... how i wished to have a man to shop for this time of year... how things would just be different. i don't feel as sad as i used to, but i did find myself in tears thinking about the "what ifs" that still exist in my life. i'm not tricked into thinking that just because i finally realized he's not coming back that everything is going to get better. i knew these hard days would come... even though with all my heart i wish they would not come. how i wish for us to be family again during this "family oriented season". how it's so hard to put a smile for A and still hurt inside, but all at the same time know that there is a great future for me that my loving ABBA has set out for me. it would be easier if i could feel all those, one at a time instead of all at once. how my heart wouldn't be so jumbled up and confused. i miss him.
but i am still so very thankful for the family i have now... how i love coming home after a weekend away to a house so beautifully decorated with wide open loving arms to hold me knowing that even though i had fun, it was hard. thanks...
i am also still very hopeful of my future that God promises me in Psalm 37:37b and thankful that there is such a promise.
i am still hurting... i am still learning... i am still hoping... i am still longing... i am still missing... i am still obeying...
please pray for me for the next month or so as the holiday season gets more intense. it's hard to be with family and not have one. it's hard to be me, but still sometimes feel identityless. it's hard to be alone when you're not. it's hard to see people in love when i'm not and then longing for it. it's hard... period.
BUT
i will be still and know He is God.

missing him

i want to start out by saying how amazing my God is... how He is personally taking care of things for me... Praise Him for His goodness as we think of being thankful in these next days.

tonight i was on the computer looking things up for A and i to do downtown. i was really excited, thinking of all the fun we would have... then it hit me. this is usually something P does. he gets the hotel, plans where we would eat, gets all the cool places mapped out then surprises me. he always enjoyed doing those things. he loved so well... that was his love language to me and i loved it. it was special. i'm so glad that i get to do that for A. i want to make it a special memory for her. i'm really looking forward to our time together. i got some fun things mapped out. i think she'll have lots of fun. i'll spend some time remembering P and my trip downtown... that was a fun trip.

gosh i miss him. holidays will be different without him. again my pain is not like before... it's not my wound being scratched raw, it's decreasing, a scab is forming and hopefully down the line there will just be a scar to just be a reminder... what will it be like? not sure i'm prepared for how i will feel, but when was i ever prepared, just seem to be going with what comes at me. really thought it was going to good... being with people... but maybe not. his absence will be real.

P... i love you!!! always wish you were here, but also learning to accept that you're not. it's getting better and i know you'll be proud of the way i'm moving forward. life is becoming more normal and i'm enjoying it... before if i had a good day i would feel guilty... now i don't. i know you wouldn't want me to. i know you would want me to keep going, live for the glory of God and come see you when it's my turn. (i think a lot of people are looking forward to their turn to see you... especially our little A.) thanks for loving me so well that i have confidence in life and in myself and confidence in knowing exactly what you would have wanted for me (no doubts). God gave me a great man!!! what a blessing in having been married to you.

these past five months have felt like five years. i remember some days feeling like it was never ending... i remember some weeks feeling like it was repeating itself... i remember some hours when i just thought i was going through torture... but slowly the Lord is giving me some light in this valley of shadow and death. His word is so rich and how He is meeting me so intimately... how He personally speaks to me in those ever so loving and gracious words. how He goes before me and prepares a path always much better than i could imagine. how i find myself falling in love with Him over and over and over again...

for four months, heaven was not comforting. i didn't care for a second that P was in heaven. who cared? i was in so much pain to care... it actually made me mad. leaving me here alone to such a wonderful place. i really could care less... but it hit me one day in indonesia... i'm going to see him again. all the people i was meeting didn't know about Jesus, the ticket to heaven... but i did... and for the first time it was a comfort to know that P was in heaven and i was going to see him one day. A loves to talk about what daddy is doing in heaven... and before i tried so hard to talk about how great heaven was for her sake, but now i could say things and really mean what i'm saying. i could really look her in the eye and tell her that daddy is probably playing tennis or drinking coffee. then she would tell me that daddy is holding baby Jesus. she tells me how she wants to go to heaven and play toys with daddy... oh how she misses him too... the wonderful thing is... we all have this promise of being able to see him again when we have a personal relationship with Jesus, who took all our sins, died on the cross, conquered death and rose again three days later. what a story huh?

this blog tells my story... someone told me that some day A will have her own story to tell and how that will be a beautiful story, just like mine... again not because we are anything special, but because God is so in control of our lives and because we know His story.

i want everyone to know, that even if i've never met you before, how thankful i am that you are a part of my life. thank you for praying for me and encouraging me through all this. it's not over and i don't think it ever will be. but thanks for helping me through this.

happy turkey day everyone!!!

thanksgiving

thanksgiving is a time to give thanks. i have to say that i have a lot to be thankful for... i'm not going to name all of them, but i am so thankful for the Lord's intimate touch in my life. psalm 139:16 has been such comfort to me. P engraved psalm 139 on my wedding ring and read it to A the day she was born. just gives a picture of where we are from. but again in verse 16, it says how God ordained the things that happen in our life before it even happens. of course death is never comforting, but knowing God ordained all this before it happened and that all that is going to happen is also in the palm of His hand... that's comforting. so i'm thankful for God's amazing love for little ol me... a little nobody.

i also realized that people are wondering what my plans are for thanksgiving. i wasn't quite sure what i wanted to do before i went on my trip, but now that i'm back, i have something i really want to do. P and i got a hotel downtown our first thanksgiving together married. i was like 7 months pregnant and wasn't in the mood to travel, so P and i had dinner with friends and went downtown. so that is what A and i are going to do. we are going to stay with the family we live with for dinner and head downtown for a couple nights. we'll ice-skate and do some shopping... see the lights. i'm really excited about. A is excited about swimming at the hotel. :)

thank you all again for your prayers and support throughout this trip. it has been such a blessing to be carried throughout these past five months through prayer.

hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving

daddy day

today was a long day for me. A woke up rather early, probably because i had gone to the bathroom, but then about an hour after she was awake was when the long day started. we were watching "charlotte's web" and about 20 minutes into it, she turns to grab my neck and starts to cry, "i want my daddy". uh... what do you say? i held her and told her i wanted him too then offered to watch home videos. she loved that idea, so we went to my room and watched some home videos. it was again just a long day because on her mind was "i miss daddy" "i want my daddy" all day long and on my mind was "what's next?" "how do i respond to that?". we saw some more home videos, watched a christmas movie that daddy liked, looked at pictures, saw clips on the computer from daddy, ate daddy's favorite food - pizza, and talked about him all day long. one time she asked if we could go and drive to heaven to see daddy. another time she told me that she gets to kiss him first when we get to heaven and i had to wait. most of her sentences started with, "you know what... daddy in heaven and he..." she filled in the blanks with things she thinks he's doing in heaven. one of was watching "little einstein" with Jesus. ha ha... the things she's thinking about. what broke my heart the most was when i told her that we will see him again in heaven when it's our turn to go to heaven. because after i told her that her eyes lit up and i had to explain that it may be a while before she saw him. i explained that she may have to wait a long long time, but when she does get there, it'll be a big party and daddy would definitely give her a huge hug. her face almost fell to the ground (i'm pretty sure her heart did too). i'm glad she's processing so much, but it is painful to watch... and very draining...

please pray for my little girl as she has a lot to deal with at such a young age.

on a lighter note... i knitted A a little hat. here is the finished product... a little imperfect, but grandma L helped me a lot when i made some wrong stitches.

maaf... lagi jet lag

i'm so sorry that i'm still jet lagged. it is awful. i have been going through torture these past few days. A is back on a good schedule, 7pm til 6am. me on the other hand, i'm dying to stay awake during the day... refraining from taking naps during the day. then i'll crash at about 8... can't do it any longer my body tells me. i go to sleep hoping that i can sleep at least til A wakes up... nope. i get up at like 3 and can't go back to sleep. it's awful. then i toss and turn not wanting to get out of bed because i'm still tired you know... then A wakes up. then the cycle starts over. i need to sleep. i just want to be able to sleep from like 9-6 at least one night to get this tiredness away then i think i'll be okay... please pray that i could sleep til A wakes up and not wake in the middle. also pray for A as she has a cold (runny nose and cough). this crazy winter weather is the first for her... when i'm in the right mind, i shall return with stories.

P drew this picture on the computer. i really like it, so i thought i would share it. it's us... that's what he titled it... "us".

16th again

today marks 5 months. (I can't say, as i usually say, that it feels like 5 months.) today A saw her first snow. (she kept calling it rain.) :) today PR had an awesome message. today i am excited to start a new chapter after having closed the other one. today my heart hurts, but does not ache like it used to. today i could remember good instead of just the bad. today is a new day. then comes tomorrow... tomorrow will be a new day... the sun will come out (hopefully) and i will see God's glory all around me and live that new day to the fullest. great is thy faithfulness oh Lord my God.

i miss P. a friend sent a picture of P that i have never seen before that made me laugh. it was him jumping for the garter at his friend's wedding. the thing is he was like a whole head and a half higher than all the other guys. that's my man. it was good to see that. after i saw that, i remembered a desire i had to ask of friends and family, which i will ask now. i want to make a book for A. a book describing who her daddy is. i can't do that all on my own, so i'm asking those of you reading this blog, if you knew P and you have something you would like to share with A about who her daddy is, please hand write or type on a 8X10 sheet of paper with a picture on it (of you and him, if possible) who he was to you. you may either e-mail it to me, send it to my house and if you don't have either, please send it to the church. that would be awesome. it'll be healing for me to put it together and great for A in the future.


God is good. Amen.

back in the states

we arrived saturday afternoon after a very long trip. but the trip here was much better than going there in terms of sleep. on the way there, A literally ran up and down aisles until she threw up, then wanted to keep running. on the way back, she ran only a little and slept a lot.

there is a Korean saying that your feet feels heavy when you don't want to leave. that is how i felt as i was coming back. Indonesia felt so much like home... my feet were dragging...

here i am back in the states, so much to tell and excited of what the Lord is going to do in my future. i really thought when i came back i would be back to square one, miserable, mad, sad, and all that... but i am definitely not that. still have a lot to process, but don't think i'll ever be in square one again.

thank you all for your prayers and support. when all is clear to me, i'll let you know what the Lord has for me.

Part 2 &3

part 2 of our trip here was great. we drove a few hours to a place we call "the grandparents". the whole drive there i thought of all the conversations P and i used to have. i didn't know that this place would mean so much to me, but i felt more at home there than i did where i first went. how i miss him. this place is just not the same without him, but at the same time i feel a sense of peace that i know only the Lord can give.

with the "grandparents" we went to the beach that we used to go on for vacationing. that was a great addition to our trip and meant a whole lot more than i thought it would.

part 3 of our journey started with the arrival of M&B. they arrived sunday. monday along with T, K and B, i went back to the hospital that P passed away in. that was i think the hardest part of this trip. we prayed before going up to the ICU. i had such awful vivid memories of the place and as we walked into the ICU, we all cried. we sat in the waiting room and i just looked at the spot where i sat with K and A before i saw P alive for the last time, wondering "what happened?". then T talked to the head nurse for permission to go into the room before entering the actual ICU part. the Lord was gracious in granting us this, i just thought how they would think it was such a bizzare request. all four of us walked in... it was so painful and freeing all at the same time. we stood there crying... praying... singing... thank you girls for coming with me and walking me through that part of the journey.

two more days and we get on a plane, actually a few planes, to get back home.

there is so much God is working in my heart here. please pray as we journey back to the states. pray for A as we have to say good-bye again.

thank you for your support and encouragment, prayer and love.

part 1

the days are going by fast. there are three parts to our journey here. the first one is over. it has been good. both A and i did some good crying.

our first day we relaxed at the house and had some friends come over to hang out and play. in the evening we had dinner with some friends and our teachers from our school came for desserts. it was good to be with them.

we went to our neighborhood our second day. every step was so heavy going up our path to our house. we saw our neighbors... we hugged, cried... my friend K came with us and she took care of A as we went into our old house. there are new people in the house, but they graciously allowed us to have time in their house. i spent a good amount of time crying in our old bedroom. it definitely was not our house anymore... different paint on the walls and stuff didn't make it feel like home, which may be God's way of helping us out. it was really good though... good closure... what we were looking for.

our second day, A was having a hard time taking a nap... i was getting so frustrated after about 40 minutes... then as i layed next to her, i felt the Lord leading me to pray for her. she layed there protesting and i took her in my arms and prayed. "God i know it's so confusing for A to go our house and it's not our house anymore and coming to Indonesia and daddy's not here..." as i prayed A cried... she cried like i've never seen her cry. thank you God for her to be able to express herself in that way. i held her and kept praying. "Lord let her know that you are in control and give her peace and understanding from you." we both cried. it was really good.

wednesday was a full day for me. i met with friends all day long. it was very healing as i went to different places and meeting different groups of friends.

now i am starting my second part of my trip. we are visiting some friends... some place we called "going to the grandparents". not that they are grandparents, but it's just the feeling of comfort we had. already had a good cry in the room we always stayed in. we love it here.

thanks for your prayers... again we could feel it each and every day.

here

thanks for your prayers. we are here safely and having a good time so far. please continue to lift us up.
love you all.