i want to start out by saying how amazing my God is... how He is personally taking care of things for me... Praise Him for His goodness as we think of being thankful in these next days.
tonight i was on the computer looking things up for A and i to do downtown. i was really excited, thinking of all the fun we would have... then it hit me. this is usually something P does. he gets the hotel, plans where we would eat, gets all the cool places mapped out then surprises me. he always enjoyed doing those things. he loved so well... that was his love language to me and i loved it. it was special. i'm so glad that i get to do that for A. i want to make it a special memory for her. i'm really looking forward to our time together. i got some fun things mapped out. i think she'll have lots of fun. i'll spend some time remembering P and my trip downtown... that was a fun trip.
gosh i miss him. holidays will be different without him. again my pain is not like before... it's not my wound being scratched raw, it's decreasing, a scab is forming and hopefully down the line there will just be a scar to just be a reminder... what will it be like? not sure i'm prepared for how i will feel, but when was i ever prepared, just seem to be going with what comes at me. really thought it was going to good... being with people... but maybe not. his absence will be real.
P... i love you!!! always wish you were here, but also learning to accept that you're not. it's getting better and i know you'll be proud of the way i'm moving forward. life is becoming more normal and i'm enjoying it... before if i had a good day i would feel guilty... now i don't. i know you wouldn't want me to. i know you would want me to keep going, live for the glory of God and come see you when it's my turn. (i think a lot of people are looking forward to their turn to see you... especially our little A.) thanks for loving me so well that i have confidence in life and in myself and confidence in knowing exactly what you would have wanted for me (no doubts). God gave me a great man!!! what a blessing in having been married to you.
these past five months have felt like five years. i remember some days feeling like it was never ending... i remember some weeks feeling like it was repeating itself... i remember some hours when i just thought i was going through torture... but slowly the Lord is giving me some light in this valley of shadow and death. His word is so rich and how He is meeting me so intimately... how He personally speaks to me in those ever so loving and gracious words. how He goes before me and prepares a path always much better than i could imagine. how i find myself falling in love with Him over and over and over again...
for four months, heaven was not comforting. i didn't care for a second that P was in heaven. who cared? i was in so much pain to care... it actually made me mad. leaving me here alone to such a wonderful place. i really could care less... but it hit me one day in indonesia... i'm going to see him again. all the people i was meeting didn't know about Jesus, the ticket to heaven... but i did... and for the first time it was a comfort to know that P was in heaven and i was going to see him one day. A loves to talk about what daddy is doing in heaven... and before i tried so hard to talk about how great heaven was for her sake, but now i could say things and really mean what i'm saying. i could really look her in the eye and tell her that daddy is probably playing tennis or drinking coffee. then she would tell me that daddy is holding baby Jesus. she tells me how she wants to go to heaven and play toys with daddy... oh how she misses him too... the wonderful thing is... we all have this promise of being able to see him again when we have a personal relationship with Jesus, who took all our sins, died on the cross, conquered death and rose again three days later. what a story huh?
this blog tells my story... someone told me that some day A will have her own story to tell and how that will be a beautiful story, just like mine... again not because we are anything special, but because God is so in control of our lives and because we know His story.
i want everyone to know, that even if i've never met you before, how thankful i am that you are a part of my life. thank you for praying for me and encouraging me through all this. it's not over and i don't think it ever will be. but thanks for helping me through this.
happy turkey day everyone!!!
