leaving

**work (the center) costume party...**




**i dressed in a neighbor's elementary student's school uniform and A was a butterfly**

we are totally psyched to visit singapore for the first time. A is in bed after our work costume party. it was fun until a guy showed up with a scary outfit. she screamed and cried... then all night wanted to stay in a bedroom. i got her to come out some time, but she was a little freaked... now all she talks about is singapore, so that's great that he's not in her mind all this time.

please pray for our trip... safety, quick visa process and health. thank you.

blue chips...

P and i used to work at a special ed school. he worked a lot at the BD wing, the toughest part of the school. in this part of the school, they gave out blue chips for good behavior and on fridays they could "buy" things from the school store with it. so P sent me a bag full of blue chips from kansas after the first time i met his family telling me i earned it all for being great with his family. i don't know where the whole bag of chips went actually, but today as i was getting ready for singapore, i found a chip in my desk. i brought one with me, but haven't seen it in a while. today i found it again. it put a big smile on my face because i've been busy trying to get this trip together and i feel that the Lord let me find it when i needed it. i'm so excited about our trip and so is A. yes we are going for business, but while we wait two days for the paperwork to go through, we are going to hit the town.

one praise... yesterday A was playing with a kid outside. she climbed the jungle gym and was hanging... then she started to swing herself... in a few seconds she was on the ground blood coming down from her mouth. i picked her up and took her to our kitchen... got a cloth and held down on her lip... praise God that all her teeth are okay... a big lip that's purple, but she's okay. i asked her why she fell and she said she was trying to stop herself from swinging but couldn't and fell. poor girl. we put ice on it for a while and she didn't want it, so we bought a local popsicle she could lick. thank you God for keeping her safe.

we are going to singapore. woo hoo... we will leave sunday and come home thursday!!! i'm really excited. first time there!!! yeah. please pray for safe travels and safety and health while we are there. pictures to come when we get back.

sinapore here we come

today i was thinking i need to get my current visa extended because the new one was not ready yet. as i was getting ready to take my paperwork in, i just thought i shouldn't and then started worrying about my legal status here if i did not. i called TB and after talking to her i decided to text the guy running my new visa. as i waited for his response, i went to the gym. as i started on the treadmill, i got a text back from him saying i could go and pick up my visa this week. ha ha... praise God. so... singapore here we come. i'm going to have to look into things tomorrow with flights and stuff, so we'll see exactly what day i go. i'm so thankful that it's ready and i don't have to spend extra money on extending my current one!!! He is so good right? so full of such energy and excitement at how the Lord just so greatly orchestrates things in my life, i ran/walked my 5K in 35 minutes!!! ha ha... my goal for the 5K was 35 minutes, maybe i have to make another goal!!! ha ha... hey LJM, KS, BA, LC, and LI want to do it again? i think SR would definitely be interested. anyone else?

please pray for good flights and safe travels.

so far but so close

i am far away from friends and family... but God is so good. i've been feeling at peace and love how my life feels like a normal life, as it has been for a while. a day actually feels like a day and a week a week... the days of thinking when the day would end is over. i don't think too much about my situation, just live life in it because there is joy in that when i follow the Lord.

i am far away from friends and family... but they make me feel close... they call me, they send me packages, they send me mail, they skype me, they e-mail... it's great to have that. but most of all... even though i'm so far away i even get a phone call from such a dear friend telling me she got engaged. i was so excited and so honored to have gotten the phone call within a day of it happening. EP i'm so happy for you. i'll be praying as you prepare. i love you girl!!!

so even though i am far... i still feel close because people i love and that love me make it that way. praise God!!!

Jesus... we need you... they need you

my hearts been heavy for the ones who already know Christ, but live mediocre lives. i say that because i was that... i have to fight to not be that at times. sunday at church, our normal pastor didn't speak, and he shared this same heart. he said his heart was heavy all week preparing his sermon about entering the narrow gate, but he emphasized that it doesn't stop there, after you enter, you need to walk that road. it's not an easy road... we need to deny ourselves, take up His cross and follow Him. in scripture it never talks about how easy this road is going to be. then the speaker told us how he was convicted of how God will one day ask him to sell everything and leave to follow him. he asked his wife if she was willing... are we asking ourselves these questions? we are to die to our selves... are we doing that?

we need Jesus...

if we who know Jesus need Him, how much more of those around us need Him? i've never watched the movie "sixth sense", but P told me it's about ghosts walking around... and if you think... every person that does not know Christ... is a dead person. they have no life, for life comes only through Christ. so we are walking among the dead... we have life that we could give them...

they need Jesus.

if every believer were to tell one person about Christ Jesus... what would this world be like? i ask myself that question as some days go by and i haven't shared Jesus with anyone. what am i doing Lord? my life is all about you, yet so many times i let it be about me...

i need Jesus.

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please pray...

**for me and A as my schedule fills up. i'm really trying to balance being a working mom now. all of A's life, i haven't worked, barely left her... so this is hard for her to have mom busy. my life is no longer just about her. pray for me that i could be patient with her and spend good quality time with her. pray for her that she will enjoy the special times she'll have with people who have offered to take her during my work hours or at work with me, but most importantly that she'll have peace in her heart as things in her mind may be unsettling.

**we will be traveling soon to get our visas, so please pray for that process as well. safe travels and health.

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i'm realizing how much the Lord has healed me in this year and four and a half months. my friend last night was asking how i was doing with missing P... i guess everyone is thinking the same thing, so i'll explain a little.

i was surprised that for the past three months or so, the 16th has passed by and i didn't even notice. i don't wait around for that date like i used to nor do i think much about it. even if i write in my journal, it doesn't ring a bell to me like it used to. it's becoming another day for me.

i was also pretty shocked that i forgot about our engagement date. the day came and went and i didn't notice until a week later that the day had passed.

yes i miss P... there will be things that remind me of times we had. we'll pass by somewhere and i'll think about the time we had there. the great thing is that it doesn't make me sad. i just smile at what a wonderful relationship we had and praise God for His goodness in bringing us together for as long as He had planned. now it's more of a reminiscing for me rather being sad.

there are still days i get a little frustrated with God of why it had to be cut short. but then God and i end up having a heart to heart on days like that... i know that God loves me and has my best interest in mind, even when it doesn't seem like it. so then i hang in there... God's good.

so that's just a little bit of how i'm doing with the whole grieving thing. i'm really not grieving anymore. i feel like we have a swing of things now and i am confident in where the Lord has placed me. my heart desires to follow what He wants from me for each season of my life... and my life and season are here right now... praying for what's next, but enjoying this one as i wait.

shame

my daughter puts me to shame. today my helper was teaching some phrases in our local language, not the national one. anyway, she said it once, i repeated. then we had to do it again because i couldn't get it. this went on like four times during lunch. my daughter sitting in her chair listening to us go back and forth on this says the word with no accent... perfectly says the word and smiles sheepishly as my jaw drops to the ground. my helper laughs like crazy and tells A how much smarter she is than her mommy.... we are all laughing and A says it again.... it was unbelievable. so i again put my head down in shame like the guy in Napoleon Dynamite (if you've watched it, you know what i'm talking about...).

love

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: "Love your neighbor as yourself." All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. - Matthew 22:37-40

what if we lived life on these two verses? i mean would we talk, dress, behave, look at... the way we do? would we miss a chance to tell someone about Jesus? if these two commandments were on our hearts all the time, what would our life be like? i reflect on my life once again these days and again i come to realize how short i fall and praise God for Jesus my savior who fills up my shortcomings. i realize how i don't live by these commandments. daily i look to see what i have done... sometimes i'm proud of myself, others i feel i could have done more. but again, if i lived every second of my life on these verses, wouldn't my life be more different?

there are more earthquakes happening here. i praise God i was out of the city when the last one happened, although most people didn't feel it. God is doing something. one person told me it's the end of the days. i told them how they are so right and that it's signs for Jesus' return. all these earthquakes made me turn to mark 13:3-13 where it talks about the signs of the times and the end of the age. if you read verse 8 it says: "For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. And there will be earthquakes in various places, and there will be famines and troubles. These are the beginnings of sorrows." this is just the beginning. then if you go on to verse 9 it states: "But watch out for yourselves, for they will deliver you up to councils, and you will be beaten in the synagogues. You will be brought before rulers and kings for My sake, for a testimony to them."

today i was reading jude and it talked about contending for the faith... for Jesus. it talked about how deceivers are in the midst of us. then i go back to verse 10 of mark "and the gospel must first be preached to all the nations." which then takes me back to the matthew verses... if we love people as ourselves, and there are deceivers out there, and the gospel must first be preached to all the nations, and there are still so many out there that have not heard, and these earthquakes are just the beginning... what are we doing?

urgency... do you sense it? do you see the dying people around you? do you see the corpse sitting next to you? do you sense it? do you sense the spirit prompting you to say something? i do... i say yes to all these questions. i do not ask these questions because i do the right thing all the time, but because my heart aches at the lives that are doomed for hell unless we tell them about Jesus. Jesus everyone... that's the answer for all life's problems. urgency... do you sense it?

let's live with matthew 22:37-40 in hearts. what a difference that would make? if you didn't know, wouldn't you want someone to tell you? if you answered yes, then if we are supposed to love others as ourselves, shouldn't we be telling them?

please pray with me this week as i feel this urgency. i may be gone some time in an earthquake, who knows (not said with a light heart), but for this time right now that i have breathe, i want to live like i've never lived before and want others to experience it also. will you pray with and for me this week for this. i need boldness.

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please pray...

* A and i have some stomach issues. A started on friday and i started today. it's a weird thing. A has throw up and the runs... i just have the runs. Please pray for quick healing. i thought mine was done midday, but it started again. i thought A's was done yesterday, but today it started again midday. something about midday. the thing with being sick, you could really just be sick, but being here, you realize that satan wants to use whatever he can to make you not do things. so please pray that the enemy can't use this against me to not advance God's kingdom.

* we have a car with a driver. i can't drive here, hence the driver. it's been such a blessing. our friends J&K while in the states is letting us use it. please pray for continual safety in travels, in city or out of city.

* please pray for continual good sleep for both A and myself.

* please pray daily if possible for spiritual battle which comes up in all forms, sickness, tiredness, anger, laziness, the works...

* please pray for my heart as well as A's.
- A wants daddy. she misses him, but i think she also misses all the men that were in her life in the states. she loves her uncles here, but we don't get to see them often. so please ask that the Lord will fulfill those needs in her life, as He personally speaks to her and also through the men around us.
- God's been good to me and faithful in healing me through P's death. He's really grown me so much and i desire to continue my life following what He wants me to do. i feel i've come so far in this journey, but it is hard when i see my baby struggling with the fact that she doesn't have a daddy. pray that God continues to give me wisdom in that and gives me strength through those times.

kumahadamang - how are you?

*every neighborhood has a weigh in each month for kids. they give food and vitamins and stuff afterward. that's also the place for vaccines. A's getting weighed by our neighbor.**


*us*


*saturday we worked on an art project of fall*


*A's tent. she had so much fun in it.*


i'm started to learn my second language from my helper. we sit down and she tells me phrases. ha ha... i'm so bad at it. it's much tougher.

i just wanted to update, which really are praises, on what's been going on in our lives these past few days...

1. our friends J&K are in the states and their car has been available. i had no need of it til now with going to hang out at the center and having the study with the girls. plus with rainy season... it's just a blessing to have this car. thanks J&K for letting us use it. we'll take good care of it.

2. i am really enjoying my study with my friend H & C. i like that we have good fellowship and could be open and honest. thanks girls.

3. A is doing really well at school now that we are back in schedule. but her favorite days are going to the center. what's been happening is we'll eat lunch and she'll nap. i'll leave and my helper will bring her to the center and help watch her til we go home. A loves hanging out there and loves her aunts and uncles from the center.

4. a few blogs back i mentioned some things that i had been thinking about. running was one of them. today i joined the gym. i ran 3.4 miles in less about of time i ran the 5K several months ago. my friend KS said that i needed an outlet and i'm glad this is it. i really enjoyed it. i not was it a good outlet for me, but i got lots of energy from it too. it was really nice. so JM you better watch out!!! i'm hoping when i go back to the states, i could run another 5K and do much better than i did last time. anyone with me?

i think that's it.

please continue to pray for safety and health. we are doing great in both categories, but please praying.

please continue to pray for the process of the visa. we'll be leaving the country in about a month to get it. please pray for all that.

please pray for boldness. when God calls me to be bold, please pray that i will be.

thanks for your prayers and support... that's it for now.

Pleading for the souls

i just got done looking through pictures from friends who are in padang (the place where the earthquake hit). wow... a lot of destruction. honestly, i have to say that as i looked at the pictures, i thanked God that when the earthquake hit here, it wasn't that bad. but then i kept thinking of how i was effected afterward and it was such a small earthquake here (i know Jesus)... and i laid my hands on the pictures as i went through them, praying over the city through the pictures. please continue to lift them up... for those who do know the Lord to be a comfort for those around them... for those who do not know the Lord to turn to Him in such a time as this. it's a mess. yes they need physical help, but more than that they need Jesus. so please pray for them... plead for their souls... be intercessors where you are at and lift them up. the people need prayer. please pray that in this disaster people will find a Savior... the Lord Jesus Christ.

forgot

i think A forgot about her name change. no mention of it all day. so we're back to A. perfect right since that's what her name is. ha ha... i was reading online last night about child psychology and was so relieved to know that all children go through this... at least she didn't choose "blue" or "cav" like i saw online. ha ha... good to read that my child is normal.

today A had me make a tent for her and we read books in it. it was a lot of fun. then she did this thing with her feet out of nowhere and then said, "try this mom it's a new game". it was weird, but she's so much fun.

so our blog is "girls just wanna have fun". if you feel like you are not having any fun, you should come to our place in the afternoon. i feel like it's almost been routine to have a dance party. we turn on some music and dance. A loves it!! she also loves dancing after her bath and P used to call that the "dee da day dance" from the Ortberg book... i think it was. i think i spelled his name wrong too. sorry.

please pray for good sleep for me. i haven't slept well for a couple nights and am so tired. thanks.

name

tonight after A and i took a shower, we were in my room getting dressed and A says to me, "mommy, i don't like myself". i was like what??? i'm thinking you're only three, this is for later like when you're 12 or 13... so i asked her what she didn't like about herself. she says "knee"... i was like you don't like your knee and she says, "no mommy i don't like my name." i was shocked. i didn't know what to say... i of course didn't stop the conversation though and asked what she would like to be called. she gave me her middle name. she wants to called by her middle name now. i told her that was fine since that is her middle name... then she tells me, "when my friends come over tomorrow, could you tell them to call me by my middle name?" i told her that would be hard to ask of them since they already knew her as A. we were talking about this til she was in bed and still as we were doing bedtime routine. i told her that i really like her name and that daddy and i chose that name for a lot of different reasons. i told her the reasons... and in the end she said, "but i still want to be E". i didn't know what to say. i tried to joke with her about how i wanted to be called something else too, but she didn't get it. i was still to be mommy and she was going to be E. so we'll see how she is tomorrow, but as of now, my daughter has changed her name to E. just so you all know.

(i'm in disbelief that i'm going through this. if it was like a silly thing, i could take it, but that the conversation started with her not liking herself... i need to take child psychology. :) )

Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today and forever...

Last Sunday at church, the Lord spoke to me through the message of Joshua. I grew up hearing the story of Joshua. Yet that Sunday, I was struck differently by my pastor speaking of this story. It never hit me I guess or maybe it hit me in a new way because of the situation I’m in, but he took us to Joshua 1:2. “Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them – to the Israelites.” PG was just talking about how God had to point out to Joshua that Moses was dead… he’s gone… he’s not coming back. Then God tells Joshua that it’s his turn to take over and do God’s work. The latter part of verse 5, God tells Joshua that he will never leave or forsake him. Even after saying this, the Lord went on to tell Joshua three times to be strong and courageous. I sensed the Lord speaking to me through this passage. P’s dead… he’s gone… he’s not coming back. Now you need to do what I have called you to do. I came home and studied the passage over again. The thing is after Deuteronomy, I had already started Joshua, but this passage passed as something I have read many a times. So after last Sunday I started over. I read chapter one over again.

To be honest, it’s been quite a ride since P’s death. Grieving was hard, but another thing that was hard was finding myself again. It’s so weird, how I really did live without P for 23 years of my life and only lived with him 3 years and four months, but I feel like P and E was going to me for the rest of my life or at least for the most part of the rest of my life. I think I not only was grieving, but in a sense also finding myself.

God’s been good to me. He’s been helping me dig deep into my heart… working with me through some things He wanted me to deal with… He’s helped me find where the world’s hunger meets my deepest JOY. He’s also helped me to realize that it doesn’t have to do anything with P. I don’t have to do anything that had to do with him in my future, it doesn’t have to be a problem in my heart. I have to take steps as E with our daughter A… I have to make plans with A’s interest in mind and that’s it. The Lord has been faithful in going before me and showing me what steps I need to take and just like He told Joshua that He will never leave him or forsake him, I really believe God is speaking those words to me. For God is the same yesterday, today and forever, and if He loved one of His children that much, why wouldn’t He love all His children this way?

Then I read on to chapter 2 of Joshua. What a testimony? Now two men goes into Jericho to spy on the city for the Israelites right? They go in just the two of them… then somehow everyone finds out and people are looking for them. Out of all people, they go into the house of a harlot named Rahab. But what gets me is that she has faith. She doesn’t know God, she hasn’t had an encounter with God, nor does it seem like she ever prayed to God, but she takes these men in and protects them. Then in verses 9-13 she says, “I know that the LORD has given you the land, that the terror of you has fallen on us, and that all the inhabitants of the land are fainthearted because of you. For we have heard how the LORD dried up the water of the Red Sea for you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to the two kings of the Amorites who were on the other side of the Jordan, Sihon and Og, whom you utterly destroyed. And as soon as we heard these things, our hearts melted; neither did there remain any more courage in anyone because of you, for the LORD your God, HE is God in heaven above and on earth beneath. Now therefore, I beg you, swear to me by the LORD, since I have shown you kindness, that you also will show kindness to my father’s house, and give me a true token, and spare my father, my mother, my brothers, my sisters and all that they have, and deliver our lives from death.”

Isn’t this amazing? People were hearing about God and all that He has done for His people and although probably from day to day, Rahab did not worship and know God, but she knew that He was God (latter part of verse 11). And somehow she knew, maybe because of God’s reputation, that her land was going to go into their hands, so she pleads for her life, but not only hers, but the lives of her family members. That made me think of how in the New Testament, Jesus says, “you and your household will be saved”.

After I read that, I prayed that my life would do that for people. People will see my life and even though they do not know God personally, they would have heard and seen what He has done in my life and declare He is God, just like Rahab. I think that is a seed in itself that will grow over time, which can save a person and their household. What an amazing story…

I go back to Hebrews 13:8, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever”. I hear stories here of how believers go into people’s houses and pray over people, casting out sicknesses and demons in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I think of what faith really means… some people say that God meant for those miracles a part of the olden days and that for this time and age, He uses other methods. I wonder sometimes, if God is the same throughout time, why do we think that those miracles were just of the times of Jesus and the apostles? If Jesus is the same throughout time, why wouldn’t He, if we had faith, cast out sicknesses and demons like He did before? Is it God or us?

I personally think that we as believers need to start believing again. I mean God is powerful and He wants to be known. So when we step out of the boat and have faith that He will do this, I truly believe that sickness will go away and demons will flee when we call on the name Jesus Christ. I don’t think like haphazardly go around casting out demons, but to really call on the name of the Lord, with all our hearts and all our souls and all our strength. The Lord sees our heart… our faith only needs to be as small as mustard seed… it could move mountains. Come on people, let’s start moving mountains, I mean come on… He’s literally shaking up the world around us. Remember if we don’t think about a place, it could disappear… not really, but you know what I mean (from previous blog). People, nations need us all over the world!!! Let’s start believing again that He is able.

sabbath

sabbath, the day of rest. when do we really get to do that? rarely. today i had a great sabbath. A and i went to church and usually we would go out to eat with our friends, but today i felt like resting. so A and i headed home. we had lunch while having a talent show. A is really into talent shows now. today she dressed up in a dress and took a plastic water bottle for her mic, sang and dance for me while i enjoyed lunch. then she sat down to eat. ha ha... after great entertainment, we both went to take a nap. it was the sweetest nap ever. we both slept for 2 and a half hours. initially we were going to maybe go out, but then it started raining, so we had a daddy movie afternoon. we watched A's birth and her early months. it was a lot of fun. i truly enjoyed my sabbath... had great rest and am ready for A to go back to school tomorrow after two weeks of vacation for her.

tonight after i put A to bed, i took my dinner to the tv room and watched the cosby show. (sometimes i let A eat and then i eat mine later after she's in bed, so i could actually enjoy my meal) i watched like three episodes, but the last one i watched i started to cry. i know right... watching cosby and crying just doesn't go together. the first scene of this episode was dr. huxtable sleeping on the couch with rudy on top of him... that brought tears to my eyes. i just thought how A would never fall asleep on her daddy like that... how i wouldn't walk in on them napping together... and for some reason that made me really sad. she really misses him and has been talking about daddy lot... and so here i was watching a daddy with his daughter and i thought of A... i'm sure later on in life, she will find herself in the same situation as me... watching something or some people, which brings tears to her eyes...

after A's bath, A talked about how she missed daddy and i told her i missed him too. and for some reason she told me that she would take care of me since daddy wasn't here... ugh... for her to think that she has to take care of me. i told her that her job was to be a kid and she doesn't need to worry about taking care of mommy. she's too grown up for her own good.

just now she called for me, so i went to her room and she asked me to lay with her. she felt my hair and asked if i took a mandi (bath/shower). then she started to talk about cockroaches and why they look the way they do. i laughed and told her good night and left. she may be grown up, but she's still a funny kid. ha ha...

lately she's been waking up at 5:30. when my sister was here, it was no problem since they played together and i could wake up later. but now that it's just us again... so what's the plan? i put her down earlier, cuz no matter what time i put her down, she's up at 5:30. and now i go to bed earlier too. then i told A that she is not allowed out of her bed until she sees the sun coming through her window, which is like 5:45. ha ha... i bought myself 15 minutes. but going to bed early should surely help.

tomorrow A goes back to school and i start a book study with two friends. i'm excited about this and pray that it will be a rich and fruitful time.

please continue to pray for us with health and safety. pray for us that God will lead us daily in the way that He has planned out for us.

please lift up the people effected by the earthquake in padang. again, my friends are okay, but there is a lot of people that are suffering. please pray for the people that are going to help out and the people already there. please pray for people to be quickly found. 1000s have been found, both dead and alive, but still more to uncover. please pray again for the Lord's spirit to rain down on this area. when tragedy strikes people look for answers, and what other answer than Jesus could be given? please pray!!!

up to a 1000

thanks to SG, i heard that my friends in the area of the earthquake are okay. please continue to pray for the area. the number is now up to a 1000 and still more to be found...

where else can people turn to when disaster hits? God show Yourself to them!!

please pray for them!!!

rain down your spirit

another earthquake hit here. it was on another island, not on ours, so we are safe, but i have friends in the city and i can't get a hold of them. i've texted them and tried calling, but communication has been down in that area. please pray for them, but not just for them. all the people there. it hit hard and over 500 are already pronounced dead. they are expecting more. please please pray... cry out for these people, health, safety, but mostly for their salvation. pray that the Lord's spirit will just rain down. times like this, when tragedy hits, people need Jesus more than anything. pray that the Lord's will be done there. pray for the rescue workers.

God's working here... He's literally shaking the place up.

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eemo is gone... just like that, we put her on a plane yesterday afternoon and today we talked to her on the phone thousands of miles away.

A was having a hard time with her being gone, but today we went to see uncle A and i think that did the trick. she ran up to him and was by him all throughout dinner. we're glad he's back... now waiting on aunt T.