travels

i'm doing lots of traveling. left the 28th to be with my family and now i'm with P's family. will be home for a couple days then i'll leave for meetings on the 7th of january. when i get home, i'll start moving and after settling and stuff... i've got lots of things to do.
please pray for the times i'll be having with families and meetings... the big thing is A. with traveling so much and moving around and not being on schedule, she's just not herself and it's hard to discipline with all these people around and craziness... i'm really trying to be consistent in the midst of everything, but it's hard being the only parent... so please just pray for all that.
thanks.

past blog

on december 8th i started a blog, i went to fix it up a little and posted it, but it posted on december 8th, so if you didn't know A and i are moving next month, you may want to go back and read that...

grace

(goody bags from our christmas party last year, neighbors, P talking about christmas, P, A and i packing the goody bags - all christmas of 2007)

P's brother's family came and went. it was fast, but fun. they came to church with us where A was on stage with her sunday school class friends. she did really well singing "away in the manger", but when it was time to say her part, "the star shone bright for wisemen that night", she looked at me and cried, "mommy". monday we had a full day of christmas, the chicago children's museum and the winter wonder fest. it was soooooo much fun. (pictures to come) they left this morning with lots of snow falling, but are almost home...
today i got an e-mail from a friend and in the e-mail was a quote from a book.
"When you come to the place where you recognize that everything you have and everyone you love is a gift, it becomes possible to enjoy those gifts -- not with an attitude of greed but with one of gratitude. You and I, like Job, know that God gives and God takes away. And when he takes away, if we're able to focus on the joy of what was given, if only for a time, we take another step down the pathway toward the heart of God."
grace is getting what we do not deserve (a gift)... and i had been reading about grace in my book, "a grace disguised" (similar to what the quote has) and i have been so humbled at how i didn't deserve P in the first place... actually i didn't deserve life at all, but through God's grace, not only did i get my life, but i got to share it with P and even have a beautiful daughter that looks just like him. so even though it was only 3 years and 4 months of marriage, that was God's gift to me... to enjoy for the time that we did. my prayer has been to be joyful and the Lord has been good in listening to that, but...
christmas is hard nonetheless... i miss him terribly. today i kept thinking what i would have gotten him and what he would have gotten me. but God is so gracious and is walking through this with me every step of the way.
if there is only a way i could skip the next couple days... yet i still want to have JOY in the things and people i have now, so please pray for that... i know everyone will be understanding, but i am still mourning and enjoying life at the same time... weird, but true.

christmas time...

last year our christmas was with P's parents, which was a treat then, but now thinking how the Lord just made it that way, knowing that it was our last christmas with him...
last year... no... this is just P, but sometimes he gets into investigating things... he'll have a topic or idea and want to learn more about it. he'll spend hours looking things up, reading and asking questions that i have no answer to... so last year was the meaning of christmas and where did it come from. i have files on the computer about it. i haven't read through every article, but christmas was actually a very secular event which had nothing to do with Jesus' birth. P even brought up the notion of not celebrating christmas because of the origins and what it has become. it's funny because i liked the idea, not wanting to stress about gifts and stuff, exactly what P was talking about, but i couldn't imagine not celebrating christmas... ha ha...
last year we had over 130 neighbors come to our house for a christmas party. our community leader gave us permission to have this party saying, "you guys respect our religion, so it is our job to respect yours" (something along those lines). so 130 neighbors came to celebrate christmas. it is one of P's and my joy to have people over and serve. P shared about why our family celebrated christmas... he did such a good job.
last year was our last christmas together... if i knew, i think i would have gotten him a better gift... :) but for under $10, i did get him something he really wanted. a shirt with indonesian on it... he wore it all the time.
last year P led our family's tradition of christmas for the last time. he would read luke 2 and we would sing "silent night, holy night" in all our languages... english, korean, german, and indonesian. he was always so proud of my korean... i spoke 3 languages fluently and he only had 2... we would joke about that...
last year... last year is over... and here i am faced with a new christmas and it's without him... we didn't get to decorate our house with our santa hats on... we didn't get to go shopping for each other... he won't wake me up at midnight to open just one of the presents under the tree... we won't dance our christmas dance by the christmas tree... i won't be running around the house finding note after note to find my present... we won't be having our traditional steak dinner... we won't be pouring out little gifts from our stockings... no matter what christmas meant to me last year, or the years before... it's definitely not going to be the same this year nor the next...
this year i did not decorate until two days ago... this year i didn't get a tree... this year i avoided thinking too much of the holidays... but really there is only a week left... it's coming fast... this year i am trying to teach A that we are celebrating Jesus' birth. last year P and i talked about how A would be on stage at church saying her little part with auntie C, but this year i have to watch her on my own... we've practiced it for weeks and she could say it so well... and i just think how proud he would be of her... going on stage and saying her little part, "the star shone bright for wisemen that night". - i'm bribing her with a lollipop to say it on stage on sunday, so we'll see how she does.
this year is just going to be different... a little empty... a little sad... a little bit maddening... actually a lot of all those... it's going to be hard...
this year... i'll do lots of remembering... P always wanted things to be so special... making me feel like i was the only one that existed on the planet at that time... so here i go into a holiday full of joy and cheer, but also full of saddness and pain, wishing it was not this way, but accepting my path at the same time...
i don't want to put a damper in this holiday season... as much as i miss P and as much as i feel his emptiness... all at the same time i have a sense of hope and promise for the future that the Lord has in store for me... so... i just want to say that i wish everyone a very merry christmas and a blessed new year. may the Lord bless you and keep you!!!
please pray for P's bro MP and his family that will be traveling this weekend to spend time with A and me. please pray for a good time..
again thank you all for your love and encouragement and especially your prayers. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

dream world to reality

a few months back, the R's asked us to go to disney world with them. i wasn't quite sure at the time if i wanted to go because it was so close to P's birthday and the marking of 6 months since his death. but in the end i agreed to go. the awesome thing is how people have been such a blessing to me and A. the R's invited us to go and gave us free lodging with them and when a few families heard at church that we were going, they got together and bought us the ticket to go to disney for a Christmas present. the night i received my gift, i cried... how great it is to have such caring extended family.
disney world was like a dream. castles and princesses... fun... the first day was hard. P and i had been there together with A after we had A. we didn't go into the parks, but rode the monorail and visited a few shops then went to downtown disney. as i went to the park the first day, my heart was heavy with memories. i couldn't believe that i was doing something so exciting without him. my heart ached for him...
we had five wonderful days there with the R's and now we are back to reality... where life is still going...
last night i was journaling about how six months ago today i heard and saw P for the last time here on earth. as i journaled, my scab on my wound of my heart came off and started to bleed again. today when i got home LJM (grandma L) gave me a bouquet of flowers to commemorate today. she had evergreen around tulips and it was so beautiful and smelled so nice. as she gave it to me, she told me that the evergreen signified winter, but the tulips were for spring... and how true that is. just as my scab came off... i know that tomorrow the scab will start coming back. after a while... the scab will become a scar that won't bleed again, but let me remember what happened.
i'm reading a book called "a grace disguised". this is a book i started maybe a month after P's death and couldn't read passed the first chapter. a few times i opened and closed that book, but now i'm on chapter 10 and i can't flip a page without a tissue and pen at hand. all the author talks about is exactly what i feel. i love the book and can't wait to finish it. some people tell me that later i have to write a book, but i don't think i need to with this book already out there.
so today marks six months... i wondered how it was going to be like after six months when it was two months... i can't believe it's here... not because it was so fast, but that it is here... my life turned upside down and backwards and is turning back to normal, but some times... it just flips over again.
i was thinking of P during this trip. i thought of how he would have loved the trip. how much fun we would have had as a family, but then i thought of how glad he would be that we went. that even though he wasn't here, how he really would have wanted us to have so much fun. that's what we were... three very fun people... i thought of all the reasons he told me he loved me... and i thought of this time, i was working at my school and they told me i was rift. i didn't know what to do, but trusted that the Lord had something for me and went looking for jobs, went on interviews and just let God take care of it for me through prayer. this was way before he said, "i love you" for the first time, but i knew that this was one of the reasons why he loved me. anyway... i tell this story because i think of P and how he loved me for trusting in God through a time when i didn't know what was ahead of me... changing jobs at that time meant a lot to me... starting over, meeting new people, not seeing P as much since we worked at the same school... and more... but he saw that i trusted God's provision for my next steps. i think of how he would love me even more now... how if he was here he would tell me the way i'm handling this is making him fall more in love with me... i think of how he would not only be proud of me, but that he would tell me that's why he loved me in the first place. how i miss him telling me all the reasons he loves me and how i wish i could tell him the reasons i love him.
on one of the rides at disney i thought of his feet... i don't know why, but i did and kind of laughed at myself. oh how i do miss him...
he always made me feel special... a lot of people tell me that he made them feel special... so that's just P, but the way he loved me was not like any old husband... i remember a friend telling me after his death that P put men to shame and told me the time we were saying good-bye to people at church and during one of the prayers, P put his arms around me and whispered a prayer into my ear and this friend said, "why does he do that?" :) i remember that... i remember crying that day because his prayer was so sweet.
i used to have a xanga page where i would brag about my husband. i would always write the great things he did for me...
i miss him...
all this to say, disney was great.... its slogan is, "a place where dreams come true"... part true i guess since i didn't have to really think about things while i was there, but not so true because all my dreams didn't come true.
vacation is a true reality to single parenting.

this picture explains how i am feeling. the picture was taken when we went to visit indonesia and A stood at our gate longingly looking into what was once our house. i feel homesick. i want to go back home. i miss my home... the home P and i had together. i miss him. i miss us.

a friend, K, left a voicemail this morning on my phone telling me that our friend was in the hospital having the baby. my friend, H, had a baby today. sad i wasn't there with her. sad i won't hold her baby for a long time. sad that she's there and i'm here. how i wish she and i could be in the same place.

my friend T called today... made me more homesick. i really miss her. i like the uncontrollable amount of smses she puts up with. i miss her hospitality. i miss talking to her. i miss her pretty drinks. uh and her chocolate balls... woo...

P and i loved our house. he always told me what a good job i did making our home feel so much like home... i miss his encouragement... i miss him telling me how proud he is of me. (thanks to all of you who tell me he would be proud) i miss how we laughed together... i miss the fun things we did together. we loved surprising each other.

our tradition for christmas was to spend only $10 on a gift for the other person and $5 on stuffing the stocking. we had so much fun coming up with creative ways to get gifts. i'm going to miss that this year. we always made it special...

i could tell it's going to be a long christmas.

happy birthday P

today we would have been celebrating P's 30th birthday. A and i went to get some flowers and balloons and went to memory park. our weather was not so great today, so we got there and put everything where we wanted it with a dr. pepper too (A loves it just like her daddy) and took a few pictures then headed to the car. it was cold and rainy and icky outside.

it was a very emotional day. we had lunch where P and i went on a date before and headed home for naps. i cried throughout A's nap. i still find myself asking, "what happened?"

today A asked if she could get a helicopter to go to the sky. when i asked why, she said she wanted to go to heaven to say happy birthday. then after her nap i told her we had to get ready for the party, and she said, "we go to heaven or have the party here." we had already talked about how we were just doing a party to remember daddy and how daddy probably was having a party of his own in heaven. so she just wanted to make sure which one. tonight before she went to bed, she prayed to God thanking Him that she could blow out the candles then said, "when i bigger i go to heaven." now she is asleep after a long night of partying.

thanks for those of you who sent e-mails, text messages and called. it means a lot to know people are thinking and remembering him and us.

going before me

i wrote this a few weeks back and never posted it... sorry

the Lord has been good to me since before i was formed in my mother's womb. the Lord is compassionate and caring in all things of my life... He is going before me on my journey...

when i got back from indonesia, i told my "parents" at the house (G&L) that i was planning on moving out. i love it here, but i felt for A and i, it was a great next step. we talked and they agreed. they are sad and i know it'll be one of my saddest days because i couldn't be at the place i am not without them, plus it's our home...

i didn't have a place planned out or even knew if i wanted to buy, rent, whatever... in the midst of that, i went to see a couple at church (W&T). i went for some advice and in our conversation i told them i was planning on moving. they had already told me that they thought it was God's plan for us to meet because before i contacted them, they had already wanted to meet with me. T's mother passed away a little over a month ago and her house was empty. W&T both at some point had a thought of A and i living there in the house, which is right next door to them. they brought this up to me and i was a little bewildered and confused... then W says, "wanna go see your new house?"

it was everything i had wanted... a cute little bungalow house, furnished, 2 bedrooms, with a backyard and a basement.

isn't God good? how can anyone say there is no God, when He is going before me and preparing every step of the way... every detail that i need taken care of through His people? God is alive and living and knows all our needs... even in times of unknown chaos... He knows and cares.

birthdays

i think my daughter is the smartest. ha ha... but really i couldn't believe how smart this girl is. grandpa G's birthday was yesterday and so we were talking about whose birthday would be next... and she said, "no daddy birthday next then it's Jesus' birthday". i couldn't believe the memory she has. we have been talking about daddy's birthday coming up and how we were going to do something to remember him. we made a special daddy banner for his birthday, but then today we were driving and talking about christmas and why we celebrate it and A says, "mommy we have to make one for Jesus." i was like what do we have to make and she was explaining, "you know we make one for daddy and R." i was like oh yeah... so now that's our next project.
A's got awesome memory, so then we were driving by a big advertisement board and i didn't see it, but she says, "mommy i have to show you something." i said, "honey i'm driving what is it?" she said, "i see something, you know from the hotel. the mouse." i was like, "huh?" then she goes on talking... "the mouse, from the hotel i see it... you know the little mouse." then i got it... the commercial of the new movie with the mouse... "desperaux(?)" she remembered the commercial and saw the big board... ha ha... i couldn't believe it.
this story is for AB and TB. so when we were in indonesia, we got caught in a ditch while driving with friends. well the other day A sees a wheel barrel. A looks at it and says, "mommy that like the one in indonesia". i am again not knowing what she is talking about. again she explains, "mommy remember when Uncle A got stuck and the man bring the rocks." i was so impressed that she remembered that. when we were stuck in the ditch, men brought a wheel barrel of small rocks to help us out of the mud to make traction. well A remembered that from seeing the wheel barrel.
i pray that she will continue to not only remember the good things that happen now, but also continue to remember her daddy. she does remember some funny things with him too.
i love her... she's just too smart.

and let it snow...

this morning we woke up with chicago blanketed with beautiful white snow all over. i open the curtains to the backyard and tell A to come and look. she smiles all big and says, "silly snow's all over the chairs." then i took her to her room to show her the front and she says, "snow all over the car, mommy how we going to drive?" ha ha... i told her after breakfast we would go out to play in it because grandma L left the sled out. when i finished cleaning up breakfast and came to get her to go and play, she said, "i'm at school mommy. we go play after i done." i was like okay... finally we went outside. it was so much fun. here are a couple pictures.

Sorority Girls

sorority girls is what my friend said last night as we talked the night away. it was an unexpected gift to my day. after putting the last blog post up and feeling a little down, i didn't know if i wanted to go to bible study. i debated even on the way there, whether to turn the car around and join family that was going to see zoo lights or continue on my way. i continued to go to bible study. anyway... i kind of didn't know what to expect and really thought that i was going to break down and fall apart, but through the grace of God, i again had a pretty good time. afterward, a friend, AH, asked if i would like to hang out. so the two of us headed out... sorority girls. it was so much fun... target run and denny's. God blessed me with a friend exactly when i needed it. thanks AH for being there to have fun and also listen to all my woes. :) i love you!!!

it's snowing!! i can't wait until A actually sees the piled snow. it'll be so crazy for her!!!

where's my family?

this is a question that was in my mind a lot these past few days with thanksgiving and vacation with A. where is my family? i left my family to marry P and make my own family... that was my family for three years plus... where did it go? my family and P's family are definitely family... but my family... my immediate family? where is that? A and i are here...
don't get me wrong. we had a fabulous time this weekend. A and i went ice-skating, shopped, rode a carriage, ate good food, and all these fun things, but i thought of how it would have been if he was here. how my back wouldn't be so aching from crouching and bending in weird ways while A was skating... how she would have rode on his shoulders to see the "bucket drummers" in front of macy's... how i wished to have a man to shop for this time of year... how things would just be different. i don't feel as sad as i used to, but i did find myself in tears thinking about the "what ifs" that still exist in my life. i'm not tricked into thinking that just because i finally realized he's not coming back that everything is going to get better. i knew these hard days would come... even though with all my heart i wish they would not come. how i wish for us to be family again during this "family oriented season". how it's so hard to put a smile for A and still hurt inside, but all at the same time know that there is a great future for me that my loving ABBA has set out for me. it would be easier if i could feel all those, one at a time instead of all at once. how my heart wouldn't be so jumbled up and confused. i miss him.
but i am still so very thankful for the family i have now... how i love coming home after a weekend away to a house so beautifully decorated with wide open loving arms to hold me knowing that even though i had fun, it was hard. thanks...
i am also still very hopeful of my future that God promises me in Psalm 37:37b and thankful that there is such a promise.
i am still hurting... i am still learning... i am still hoping... i am still longing... i am still missing... i am still obeying...
please pray for me for the next month or so as the holiday season gets more intense. it's hard to be with family and not have one. it's hard to be me, but still sometimes feel identityless. it's hard to be alone when you're not. it's hard to see people in love when i'm not and then longing for it. it's hard... period.
BUT
i will be still and know He is God.

missing him

i want to start out by saying how amazing my God is... how He is personally taking care of things for me... Praise Him for His goodness as we think of being thankful in these next days.

tonight i was on the computer looking things up for A and i to do downtown. i was really excited, thinking of all the fun we would have... then it hit me. this is usually something P does. he gets the hotel, plans where we would eat, gets all the cool places mapped out then surprises me. he always enjoyed doing those things. he loved so well... that was his love language to me and i loved it. it was special. i'm so glad that i get to do that for A. i want to make it a special memory for her. i'm really looking forward to our time together. i got some fun things mapped out. i think she'll have lots of fun. i'll spend some time remembering P and my trip downtown... that was a fun trip.

gosh i miss him. holidays will be different without him. again my pain is not like before... it's not my wound being scratched raw, it's decreasing, a scab is forming and hopefully down the line there will just be a scar to just be a reminder... what will it be like? not sure i'm prepared for how i will feel, but when was i ever prepared, just seem to be going with what comes at me. really thought it was going to good... being with people... but maybe not. his absence will be real.

P... i love you!!! always wish you were here, but also learning to accept that you're not. it's getting better and i know you'll be proud of the way i'm moving forward. life is becoming more normal and i'm enjoying it... before if i had a good day i would feel guilty... now i don't. i know you wouldn't want me to. i know you would want me to keep going, live for the glory of God and come see you when it's my turn. (i think a lot of people are looking forward to their turn to see you... especially our little A.) thanks for loving me so well that i have confidence in life and in myself and confidence in knowing exactly what you would have wanted for me (no doubts). God gave me a great man!!! what a blessing in having been married to you.

these past five months have felt like five years. i remember some days feeling like it was never ending... i remember some weeks feeling like it was repeating itself... i remember some hours when i just thought i was going through torture... but slowly the Lord is giving me some light in this valley of shadow and death. His word is so rich and how He is meeting me so intimately... how He personally speaks to me in those ever so loving and gracious words. how He goes before me and prepares a path always much better than i could imagine. how i find myself falling in love with Him over and over and over again...

for four months, heaven was not comforting. i didn't care for a second that P was in heaven. who cared? i was in so much pain to care... it actually made me mad. leaving me here alone to such a wonderful place. i really could care less... but it hit me one day in indonesia... i'm going to see him again. all the people i was meeting didn't know about Jesus, the ticket to heaven... but i did... and for the first time it was a comfort to know that P was in heaven and i was going to see him one day. A loves to talk about what daddy is doing in heaven... and before i tried so hard to talk about how great heaven was for her sake, but now i could say things and really mean what i'm saying. i could really look her in the eye and tell her that daddy is probably playing tennis or drinking coffee. then she would tell me that daddy is holding baby Jesus. she tells me how she wants to go to heaven and play toys with daddy... oh how she misses him too... the wonderful thing is... we all have this promise of being able to see him again when we have a personal relationship with Jesus, who took all our sins, died on the cross, conquered death and rose again three days later. what a story huh?

this blog tells my story... someone told me that some day A will have her own story to tell and how that will be a beautiful story, just like mine... again not because we are anything special, but because God is so in control of our lives and because we know His story.

i want everyone to know, that even if i've never met you before, how thankful i am that you are a part of my life. thank you for praying for me and encouraging me through all this. it's not over and i don't think it ever will be. but thanks for helping me through this.

happy turkey day everyone!!!

thanksgiving

thanksgiving is a time to give thanks. i have to say that i have a lot to be thankful for... i'm not going to name all of them, but i am so thankful for the Lord's intimate touch in my life. psalm 139:16 has been such comfort to me. P engraved psalm 139 on my wedding ring and read it to A the day she was born. just gives a picture of where we are from. but again in verse 16, it says how God ordained the things that happen in our life before it even happens. of course death is never comforting, but knowing God ordained all this before it happened and that all that is going to happen is also in the palm of His hand... that's comforting. so i'm thankful for God's amazing love for little ol me... a little nobody.

i also realized that people are wondering what my plans are for thanksgiving. i wasn't quite sure what i wanted to do before i went on my trip, but now that i'm back, i have something i really want to do. P and i got a hotel downtown our first thanksgiving together married. i was like 7 months pregnant and wasn't in the mood to travel, so P and i had dinner with friends and went downtown. so that is what A and i are going to do. we are going to stay with the family we live with for dinner and head downtown for a couple nights. we'll ice-skate and do some shopping... see the lights. i'm really excited about. A is excited about swimming at the hotel. :)

thank you all again for your prayers and support throughout this trip. it has been such a blessing to be carried throughout these past five months through prayer.

hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving

daddy day

today was a long day for me. A woke up rather early, probably because i had gone to the bathroom, but then about an hour after she was awake was when the long day started. we were watching "charlotte's web" and about 20 minutes into it, she turns to grab my neck and starts to cry, "i want my daddy". uh... what do you say? i held her and told her i wanted him too then offered to watch home videos. she loved that idea, so we went to my room and watched some home videos. it was again just a long day because on her mind was "i miss daddy" "i want my daddy" all day long and on my mind was "what's next?" "how do i respond to that?". we saw some more home videos, watched a christmas movie that daddy liked, looked at pictures, saw clips on the computer from daddy, ate daddy's favorite food - pizza, and talked about him all day long. one time she asked if we could go and drive to heaven to see daddy. another time she told me that she gets to kiss him first when we get to heaven and i had to wait. most of her sentences started with, "you know what... daddy in heaven and he..." she filled in the blanks with things she thinks he's doing in heaven. one of was watching "little einstein" with Jesus. ha ha... the things she's thinking about. what broke my heart the most was when i told her that we will see him again in heaven when it's our turn to go to heaven. because after i told her that her eyes lit up and i had to explain that it may be a while before she saw him. i explained that she may have to wait a long long time, but when she does get there, it'll be a big party and daddy would definitely give her a huge hug. her face almost fell to the ground (i'm pretty sure her heart did too). i'm glad she's processing so much, but it is painful to watch... and very draining...

please pray for my little girl as she has a lot to deal with at such a young age.

on a lighter note... i knitted A a little hat. here is the finished product... a little imperfect, but grandma L helped me a lot when i made some wrong stitches.

maaf... lagi jet lag

i'm so sorry that i'm still jet lagged. it is awful. i have been going through torture these past few days. A is back on a good schedule, 7pm til 6am. me on the other hand, i'm dying to stay awake during the day... refraining from taking naps during the day. then i'll crash at about 8... can't do it any longer my body tells me. i go to sleep hoping that i can sleep at least til A wakes up... nope. i get up at like 3 and can't go back to sleep. it's awful. then i toss and turn not wanting to get out of bed because i'm still tired you know... then A wakes up. then the cycle starts over. i need to sleep. i just want to be able to sleep from like 9-6 at least one night to get this tiredness away then i think i'll be okay... please pray that i could sleep til A wakes up and not wake in the middle. also pray for A as she has a cold (runny nose and cough). this crazy winter weather is the first for her... when i'm in the right mind, i shall return with stories.

P drew this picture on the computer. i really like it, so i thought i would share it. it's us... that's what he titled it... "us".

16th again

today marks 5 months. (I can't say, as i usually say, that it feels like 5 months.) today A saw her first snow. (she kept calling it rain.) :) today PR had an awesome message. today i am excited to start a new chapter after having closed the other one. today my heart hurts, but does not ache like it used to. today i could remember good instead of just the bad. today is a new day. then comes tomorrow... tomorrow will be a new day... the sun will come out (hopefully) and i will see God's glory all around me and live that new day to the fullest. great is thy faithfulness oh Lord my God.

i miss P. a friend sent a picture of P that i have never seen before that made me laugh. it was him jumping for the garter at his friend's wedding. the thing is he was like a whole head and a half higher than all the other guys. that's my man. it was good to see that. after i saw that, i remembered a desire i had to ask of friends and family, which i will ask now. i want to make a book for A. a book describing who her daddy is. i can't do that all on my own, so i'm asking those of you reading this blog, if you knew P and you have something you would like to share with A about who her daddy is, please hand write or type on a 8X10 sheet of paper with a picture on it (of you and him, if possible) who he was to you. you may either e-mail it to me, send it to my house and if you don't have either, please send it to the church. that would be awesome. it'll be healing for me to put it together and great for A in the future.


God is good. Amen.

back in the states

we arrived saturday afternoon after a very long trip. but the trip here was much better than going there in terms of sleep. on the way there, A literally ran up and down aisles until she threw up, then wanted to keep running. on the way back, she ran only a little and slept a lot.

there is a Korean saying that your feet feels heavy when you don't want to leave. that is how i felt as i was coming back. Indonesia felt so much like home... my feet were dragging...

here i am back in the states, so much to tell and excited of what the Lord is going to do in my future. i really thought when i came back i would be back to square one, miserable, mad, sad, and all that... but i am definitely not that. still have a lot to process, but don't think i'll ever be in square one again.

thank you all for your prayers and support. when all is clear to me, i'll let you know what the Lord has for me.

Part 2 &3

part 2 of our trip here was great. we drove a few hours to a place we call "the grandparents". the whole drive there i thought of all the conversations P and i used to have. i didn't know that this place would mean so much to me, but i felt more at home there than i did where i first went. how i miss him. this place is just not the same without him, but at the same time i feel a sense of peace that i know only the Lord can give.

with the "grandparents" we went to the beach that we used to go on for vacationing. that was a great addition to our trip and meant a whole lot more than i thought it would.

part 3 of our journey started with the arrival of M&B. they arrived sunday. monday along with T, K and B, i went back to the hospital that P passed away in. that was i think the hardest part of this trip. we prayed before going up to the ICU. i had such awful vivid memories of the place and as we walked into the ICU, we all cried. we sat in the waiting room and i just looked at the spot where i sat with K and A before i saw P alive for the last time, wondering "what happened?". then T talked to the head nurse for permission to go into the room before entering the actual ICU part. the Lord was gracious in granting us this, i just thought how they would think it was such a bizzare request. all four of us walked in... it was so painful and freeing all at the same time. we stood there crying... praying... singing... thank you girls for coming with me and walking me through that part of the journey.

two more days and we get on a plane, actually a few planes, to get back home.

there is so much God is working in my heart here. please pray as we journey back to the states. pray for A as we have to say good-bye again.

thank you for your support and encouragment, prayer and love.

part 1

the days are going by fast. there are three parts to our journey here. the first one is over. it has been good. both A and i did some good crying.

our first day we relaxed at the house and had some friends come over to hang out and play. in the evening we had dinner with some friends and our teachers from our school came for desserts. it was good to be with them.

we went to our neighborhood our second day. every step was so heavy going up our path to our house. we saw our neighbors... we hugged, cried... my friend K came with us and she took care of A as we went into our old house. there are new people in the house, but they graciously allowed us to have time in their house. i spent a good amount of time crying in our old bedroom. it definitely was not our house anymore... different paint on the walls and stuff didn't make it feel like home, which may be God's way of helping us out. it was really good though... good closure... what we were looking for.

our second day, A was having a hard time taking a nap... i was getting so frustrated after about 40 minutes... then as i layed next to her, i felt the Lord leading me to pray for her. she layed there protesting and i took her in my arms and prayed. "God i know it's so confusing for A to go our house and it's not our house anymore and coming to Indonesia and daddy's not here..." as i prayed A cried... she cried like i've never seen her cry. thank you God for her to be able to express herself in that way. i held her and kept praying. "Lord let her know that you are in control and give her peace and understanding from you." we both cried. it was really good.

wednesday was a full day for me. i met with friends all day long. it was very healing as i went to different places and meeting different groups of friends.

now i am starting my second part of my trip. we are visiting some friends... some place we called "going to the grandparents". not that they are grandparents, but it's just the feeling of comfort we had. already had a good cry in the room we always stayed in. we love it here.

thanks for your prayers... again we could feel it each and every day.

here

thanks for your prayers. we are here safely and having a good time so far. please continue to lift us up.
love you all.

How are you?

A lot of people ask how I’m doing and I tend to give the generic answer of, “I’m okay.” The thing is for a long time I wasn’t okay. I just want to share where I’m at right now before going on this adventure so you all could pray for me.

When P first went to be with the Lord, I was really “out of my mind”. I had a lot of different emotions and never knew which one I was to deal with first. As time passed I started to hate P and God and didn’t want to have anything to do with either of them, but at the same time only having God to turn to with such difficult questions and situations and only being in thoughts of P. I feel like I had been in that stage for a while…. Questioning whether I was going to trust God again or not. Despite all of that, I still had only God to turn to. How humbling is that?

I have to say that where I am at now is all due to the many who have gotten down on their knees in prayer for myself and also A.

The Lord is good… I am very nervous and mixed up about this trip that I will take tomorrow, but I am so thankful for the Lord’s leading me to where I am.

I caught myself a few times, actually a lot of times, wallowing in the thought of, “how could I do this by myself?” or “he should be here.” or “poor A.” or “why me?” But some time last week, as I was feeling sorry for myself and saying, “uh he should be here for this, I shouldn’t be doing this alone.” I felt the Lord say, “yes E, this is exactly where I want you and you’ll be fine, I’m here.” And what more did I need than the Lord telling me this.

Another encounter I had was when I was so mad that P was gone, again all this in about a week’s time. I was so mad at God and P, but again I felt the Lord ask, “could you live without me?” Of course not. My days are dark without P, but I know that it would get better, but my days without God… that’s nothing I even want to think about.

So these past two weeks have been like so good for me and I feel like it’s such a blessing to be at this place before I leave for the trip. Though the trip will be so tough, I know that God has already gone before me to prepare my time. I also know that I will come back and have a hard time, but again, what a blessing to have a loving Father covering over that time. I am in utter dependence of Him and the thing is, I could do this… this thing called life… I could do it without P because even though I don’t have P, God is there.

The ultimate thing is this. God had a plan with P. He had a plan with P and me. He then had a plan with P, E and A. But P’s gone, really no other way to put it. I could spend every day thinking about how he’s gone and I’m alone and living that, being stuck with that or be grateful for the days we had together, learn from it (which of course I am who I am now because of him), and continue my walk with God, be real with Him (whether it is anger or all the other emotions) and let Him lead my next steps in hopes of seeing P again in heaven, which I’m really looking forward to. I also know that sometimes to take a few steps forward means you have to take one step back, but again just knowing even though that is the case, that God is with me.

My fears once were that if I allowed myself to even think about “what’s next?” that meant I am forgetting P, but I now know I will never forget him. P not only is A’s daddy (which is the biggest thing), but he has had such an impact on my life that no matter what, he will always be in my memories and life.

So I ask that you pray for me as I embark on this journey I will continue to remember what I experienced this week. Please also pray that I could continue to be real with Him and myself. I fear that since I am at a good place, that I may try to be strong and not fall into sadness, but sadness is not bad… I’m going to close a great chapter in my book of life and it’s going to be hard and full of lots of tears… but it’ll be good because God is good. So pray that I will remember that and not try to hold it together. Also pray for A. Tonight in her bath we were talking about our trip and she asked, “why daddy can’t be there in Indonesia?” She really misses him, why wouldn’t she right? But please pray that there won’t be a sense of abandonment but that she could really feel at peace and understand as much as a little two year old could.

I’ll try to blog while I’m there, but if not, please just keep us in your prayers, and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you all...

break through

this weekend our fellowship had a conference that was amazing. i was so proud that AB could be there and represent God in such a way. it was good to have AB and T here. it was really good. i also got to be a little part of this conference and i feel like it's a break through for me. i won't go into detail, but i am excited that i got to share (although at the time i felt so nervous that i thought maybe i would throw up) and that i feel again that the Lord is good and He's totally in control of what is to come next.

it was a good and fun day. in the morning i got to do my sharing and had an awesome service. lunch was at church and we even got to see the new baby that PR and T had... we're so excited for CPDB to have come. life means so much more... thank you God for babies... anyway after lunch, A and i had a good nap. then grandma L and R went to the thrift store for our church old school service in the evening. people were supposed to dress up in decades outfits. grandma L and grandpa G and i got prizes for having the best outfits... :) i didn't get to have an acceptance speech, but thanks to R i won the prize... she was my stylist.

God is amazing in that He's giving me this to enjoy here so as i leave for our two week trip, i could have memories through the tough times. memories of how far He has brought me... that i could again see Him in the midst of hardship while i face big things.

i haven't really thought about what's going to happen in four days because of getting ready for this weekend, but i think tomorrow it will hit... we're leaving on our trip. we leave this thursday and will be gone for two weeks. it's going to be good, so real, but good... so hard, but good...

please pray for us!!! we need it. all of us!!!

one more week

isn't it amazing that it's already the end of the month and A and i have one more week until we go on an adventure. it's crazy how fast it came and that we are really going. i am thankful that the Lord has given me a sense of peace these past few days. i really am happy that He is letting me know that He is in control. i just need to rely on Him. how amazing is that...

this peace has come in a variety of areas... i think i could handle being alone, without P... i went to a bible study last weekend and was scared going to it because i didn't know what it would be like going to a bible study without P, but God is good. i had a great time. yes it was hard, but i got over that and actually enjoyed myself with the people i was with. i have peace about my future... i think i could handle taking care of both A and myself, not because i'm a super mom, but because again God is in control and i could sense that He is guiding me. i have peace about A... i think she'll grow up to be a godly woman... when P and i decided to try having a baby, we didn't know how long it would take or if God would even permit us to have one... but in His goodness He granted us a beautiful little girl and i know that she's more His than she is mine. i have peace about work... i haven't starting looking yet, but praying because soon i know i will have to work... even that i know that God is going before me... i could sense it. He always has been that for me... going before me and preparing something greater than anything i could imagine. so even though it still hurts and i still have cloudy days, i'm going to trust that my Abba is with me and that even in this He is preparing something great... greater than i could ever imagine.

i thank God for letting me have this peace before i go back because for a while, i didn't know if i could even trust God. i'm glad i could go, knowing that even though life is going to still suck for a while, i know with all my heart that i could trust Him... the thing is, when i go back, i'll go through doubts again because of all that i have to see, the people i will meet... all that i had to leave behind... memories, our home... all that will make me feel all mixed up again, but God's been working in my heart these past few weeks to kind of let me know i could trust Him again... and again just letting me know that it's going to be okay.

thank you to all of you out there praying for A and me. i know that i have come this far through your prayers and God will continue to listen to those prayers. i'd like to ask that you would continue to pray throughout our trip and for days to come. we really appreciate it.

God is good...

knees and rugburn

tonight i found myself thinking about the time i walked into our office in the house and found P on his prayer rug on his knees praying. that wasn't my first time, but for some reason that exact moment comes to mind. he was fervently praying. i had called him a few times and walked into the room and still he did not know i had been looking for him. our house is small... i couldn't imagine where he could be let alone him not being able to hear me. but i startled him. i fell in love with him again that moment... what a man i thought to myself...

i remember him telling me that in high school he wanted to be known as a person who prays. he went to church in the mornings to pray, but one morning he asked that there could be some sign that he was a man that prayed. that day he walked around with a rugburn on his forehead. he was on his knees with his head to the carpeted church floor, that his forehead turned red...

why i thought of these things? i'm getting ready for an event at our church this weekend and i just thought of P. i married an awesome man!!!

that days are coming closer and closer to us going.... 9 more days.

light at end of tunnel

today marks four months since P went home to be with the Lord. today was also the service for Grandpa R. I didn't do much to help with the service, but i was around while the others cut, pasted, printed, copy, talked, shared, laughed... it was kind of therapeutic for me.

tonight during the service P was mentioned and i cried... Grandpa R and P together in heaven... what a picture, neither have to suffer pain again.

i was thinking about something tonight as i was in the shower... how some people like Grandpa R and P just live life to the fullest... they really live for God just out of love for Him... then there are some people that may have lived for God, but after seeing lives such as Grandpa R or P get convicted to live better... then there are people like me, who also lived for God and then get hit with something unexpected... totally life changing, mind changing and soul changing and you're left with this choice as to whether to keep hanging on to God, or just leaving Him (which i have thought of). then there are people out there that are searching for answers to all life's questions... then there are people who don't care and don't know God.

the thing i thought of in the shower is this... no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow... no one knows whose turn is going to be next... i know lots of people say this, but do we really think about it. i mean we could make plans and plans, but if God says, "sorry no that's not my plan, just come home" then that's it... so i think of the phrase carpe diem - "seize the day". do we all live this way?

Grandpa R was blessed to have a full 92 years of life and P was blessed with 29, but again, i feel like both did a good job. i can't speak for Grandpa R, but i know P would make this own time sheets and carry it around in his wallet tallying how many hours he was spending in Kingdom work. this is not because they are better, but they really longed to serve the Lord... their heart was all there... where is our heart?

i mentioned how i am in a situation where due to circumstances i have been mad at God and wanted to give up this relationship with Him... He hurt me... but the thing is i know the truth is sin did this to me. God didn't want death, but when sin entered... that's when this crazy hurtful thing called death entered. so i think of what my life would be like without God... could i tell you, that no matter how mad i get at God and how my future scares the crap out of me, i am so much more afraid of my life without God... i mean i am scared... i can't even imagine it and if i try i just shake in utter fear... because God breathed life to me... He is my everything... so really in the end, yes i am hurt... shattered into pieces, but it would be absolutely nothing without God. i do see a light at the end of the tunnel.

the other day for some reason i felt peaceful... i thought of P, but not really sad, but just peaceful... that night i had a really good conversation with a friend about life... and after that call i felt like i could do this. that life will one day be okay... that i'm going to breath and it's not going to sting my heart... that i'm going to see pictures and smile... that i am going to be okay... and it rejuvenated me... and then i know that God is answering not only my prayers, but hundreds of people's prayer.

i have had these days before... i was told that one of maria sue chapman (steven curtis chapman's daughter) siblings said that grief is like a winding road... you go around one bend and it's a beautiful meadow... you go around another and it's pitch dark... so true and i pray for that family as well as myself... that no matter what is around that bend... God will be there too, because really life is terrifying without Him even on the good sunny days.

please pray for us as we are only a couple weeks away from leaving for indonesia. pray for us as we prepare... pray for us as we are there... pray for us as we come back... emotionally, physically and spiritually.

no matter what... hard

Grandma L has lost her dad. Grandma B has lost her husband... i was talking to GL last night. they had been preparing for Grandpa R's death for quite some time and even in this last week, they were told it's only going to be a while. some people think that's easier when you know, but really it's not. what's the difference if you know beforehand or not if someone is going to die... the thing is that the person is with you til the day they die and then there is this emptiness you still have to deal with, whether you are prepared or not. you just notice the empty seat... or the seat that they usually sit in... or you notice the wife without the husband or vise versa... i'm sure to some extent you are prepared for it more, but the thing is, the missing and loss is still there.

the house has been a little busy with people coming in and out preparing for the funeral. last night i told GL that i am kind of living vicariously through them. i didn't get to be with family preparing the funeral and talking about memories, i was miles and miles away... i didn't get all that i am seeing them do... so it's nice to see how it could have been and thankful that i get to somehow be a part of this one.

truck

this weekend, A and i joined our high schoolers on a fall retreat in michigan. the actual retreat was from friday to monday. A and i went up saturday. it was the most beautiful drive ever. it was really nice enjoying God's creation, the changing of colors on the trees, but at the same time really sad thinking how P really enjoys autumn (and spring too), when the seasons change. anyway it was a real good drive there.

i didn't do anything up there, but thanks guys for inviting us anyway. it was good to be in nature and the students. most of the students were once P's students. it was good to talk to a few about him. they miss him too.

on the way back was when i cried so much. not because of the retreat, but as i drove home, 20 minutes into the drive, i saw a blue truck. the truck did not have a carton on the back like the other trucks, he must have been going home. anyway, on his truck was printed, "missin' my girls". i cried so hard... that's what P called us, his girls, and i just thought how he always said that, even if he was just gone for a two hour class. my heart was so sad.

...

Grandpa R passed away while we were at camp. he is the grandpa of the family we live with. i've only met him a handful of times, but heard about him from P. pray for the family. i know that they had been planning this for a while, but still missing him is a huge thing.

16 more days until we leave.

around the corner

i know i've mentioned this a few times of how i feel like P will just come around the corner sometimes. i feel that when i'm doing something i know he'd be proud of. like i'm a terrible parallel parker. when i first came back and was parking at our house, i just laughed thinking how much P would laugh at me and tell me i'm such a suburb girl. now i'm a lot better at it, i could get the car in at least in two tries, mostly one, and i just think how he'd tell me how he's proud that i'm doing so well. or like when i'm doing things i wouldn't usually do, i feel like he'd just come from behind me and give me a hug and tell me how he was proud of me. or he would give me a high five.

tonight i was with a family that we hung out with together... i kind of married into this family, but as i was there, i sometimes felt that he should be coming around the corner to join us. or he'd yell out of the names and give them a high five. i thought of how all our kids were together and how P never saw some of them. weird huh?

i wait for him... find myself waiting for something from him, but i don't get anything. :( maybe someday i'll get tired of waiting and just know that he won't be coming around that corner. sometimes i think though that he may. sometimes i just have our conversations alone, knowing what he may have said and just have this conversation. sad, but true. maybe someday i'll get tired of that too.

it's almost four months... i can't believe it. time keeps going, life keeps going, but sometimes i find myself in the past... in this vivid memory of the past... praying through it all, but really hard. i hope that when the day comes that i am in the NOW, everyone will understand where i have been even though i was there with them. i find myself with people, but really not there... so when i am actually finally there, ALL there in the future, you'll forgive me for not being there in the past.

20 more days... butterflies flutter in my stomach... this is intense...

word

today as A was napping, i read several chapters of acts. i know that in each season of life the way scripture touches us is different. today as i was reading chapter 5, the latter verses, i thought "are you kidding me?" so the apostles are arrested and they were arrested because of jealousy (v. 17). the high priests and everyone else were jealous. the thing that made me think "are you kidding me?" was in verse 41. "the apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name." seriously? if you look in verse 40 they were flogged. i don't know exactly what that means, so i asked my pastor and he said that it was like tying a man's hands and stretching them. then they take this whip and hit them with it. seriously, they endured that without once saying, "okay i won't teach in the name of Jesus." my pastor said that he thought maybe it was one at a time that this happened. which meant that all the other apostles saw what was coming and still... then as they were leaving from this flogging, they are rejoicing because they were glad they were thought worthy of such suffering.

i definitely was not flogged, but do feel like this suffering is unbearable. i am hopeful that it will get better and want to just look to Jesus.

22 more days...

life verses

i have been going through some files of P's these past few days and today i came across a file titled "i resolve". it had his personal resolutions and our family covenant and some other things, but among them there was a subtitle "my life verses". i thought i could share that with everyone.

Psalm 96

Sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth. Sing to the Lord, praise his name; proclaim his salvation day after day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples. For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods. For all the gods of the nations are idols, but the Lord made the heavens. Splender and majesty are before him; strength and glory are in his sanctuary. Ascribe to the Lord, o families of nations, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength. Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; bring an offering and come into his courts. Worship the Lord in the spender of his holiness; tremble before him, all the earth. Say among the nations, “The Lord reigns.” The world is firmly established, it cannot be moved; his will judge the peoples with equity. Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let the sea resound, and all that is in it; let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them. Then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy; they will sing before the Lord, for he comes, he comes to judge the earth. He will judge the world in righteousness and the peoples in his truth.

i am so proud of P. i love him. he really tried to live life to the fullest. he really wanted to glorify God in all he did. he really wanted people to know Jesus because Jesus gave P life. he made it a point to encourage people, see people for who they are, love them for who they are, talk to people that no one else talked to... he was definitely an imagebearer of Christ. good job honey... but a verse that struck out to me in all that he had typed on this document "i resolve"...

“So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’”
-Luke 17:10

i feel like that's would P would have said when he saw Jesus... "i only did what i was supposed to do". i love him... he's a good guy.

i miss him. the thing is... he's in heaven and all i have are a lot of if onlys... like if only i could see him one more time... if only i could talk to him one last time... if only i could hold his hand one more time... if only i could hug him one last time... if only i could share a kiss with him once more... if only... but even if i got an if only... the end will be the same... i'd miss him and have pain... would one of those if onlys be worth it or do i just keep longing or will i be okay one day? (of course it's the latter).

i'm scared. 22 more days until we leave and my heart just is all mixed up. going back to a home where i was so suddenly picked up out of, so full of memories... get anxious thinking of all the different emotions and things i have to deal with. mad that i was so suddenly taken away... leaving there in june was hard... going back is harder... i'm not sure what it would be like when i leave there for the second time... pray for me... the thing is, it's hard enough just dealing with my questions and thoughts... but i know A will have her own when we get there.

every day has been hard for a couple weeks... please pray... that's all i could ask.

25 more days

i can't believe we're going back home in 25 more days. i know it's only going to be for a while, but that's home. i'm all mixed up about how i feel and sometimes feel overwhelmed thinking about it. i know how hard it's going to be... i know how good it's going to be... i know how i'll love being there... i know how i'll hate being there... i know how i'll miss him so much there... i know how much i miss him now... i know how A will have fun... i know how A will be confused that daddy is not there... i know all these things... it's hard knowing all these things.

i have lots of images that have been coming and going on in my mind... i'm scared of it being more vivid when i go there. it hurts enough here, but when you're where it happened, i think it might intensify it.

25 days... please hold us up in prayer... i don't know how i will survive this next month or so without it. prayer is really what got us this far, please continue to pray.

perfect timing

P's parents are in for the weekend. it's been good. yesterday we had lunch together then had a nap. after nap we headed for memory park. A and i always go potty before spending time at our spot, so as we drove in she yells potty. i thought since we were by the office, i should ask about the headstone. the guy looks it up and he tells me it's set already. i couldn't believe it. i told him i hadn't paid already and they were supposed to call and asked if he was sure... yup... so i take his parents and A to our spot and behold his headstone. it looked nice... glad it was there for his parents. it was perfect timing. the guy said, "there goes our rule of getting our payment before setting the headstone." ha ha... it was God's gift for us.

four years ago today

four years ago today, P took me on an adventure as always. told me to dress "pretty". so all dressed up we drove listening to christmas music. our destination was navy pier. after parking the car, we walked onto the dock and P spotted a sitting area. we sat down and he took out a stack of 3X3 notecards. the first card had the korean word for teacher on it. P liked to show off his multi-lingual abilities. :) each card had a different drawing of our times together during the eight months we had dated. the drawings ended with a few cards telling me how much he loved me and how he would love to spend the rest of his life with me... then there were a stack about 50 cards glued together with a heart cut out in the middle with my ring in it. then we got on the spirit of chicago and had dinner on the boat... the night ended with watching fireworks from the boat.

today after nap, A and i went on an adventure. we dressed warm. our destination was navy pier. TR hooked us up with a pass to the children's museum at navy pier. so we headed on our way. i didn't tell A why we were going to the big ferris wheel. but on the way she said two things that shocked me. 1. she said she wanted to go the hotel with daddy. i couldn't figure out why that came to her mind, but she did. it was totally crazy. 2. as i was driving, she asked for christmas music. i didn't even know she knew what christmas was let alone that there was christmas music. i had to ask her twice to make sure she knew what she was talking about. so A and i drove down to navy pier listening to christmas music.

when we got there i explained to her that daddy and mommy got engaged there and showed her the boat we went on... the place he proposed... at the end of the night she asked, "why we here?" i then asked, "why do you think we're here?" and she responded, "remember daddy mommy marry".

four years ago today P and i got engaged...

whole turned half

i was talking to a friend a few nights ago and she was talking about how someone you lived without for more years of your life could all of a sudden mean so much... more than all those years put together. i've been thinking about that... how P and i really only knew each other 5 years, married 3 years and almost four months out of those 5 years... and why does that defeat the 24 years of my life before we were married? i don't know, but it's true... even though the years without him are 8 times more... that seems to fall short compared to the years i had with him.

i miss him... i miss him a lot. i was just e-mailing a friend about how he and i would have so much fun together. life was fun with him... but... now it's so different. i laugh, but it's not me laughing... i have fun, but it's really not me having fun either. where is the whole me? i know i have expressed this before, but the whole is gone...

i think of how kids sing the santa song about being naughty or nice and according to that santa will bring something. i've been feeling a little like that. if i keep going and do a good job, P will come back... the thing is i know it's not true... but my hearts longs for that... that if i could just do something to bring him back, i'd do anything... endure anything. if i could just endure this, then P will come back and hold me and tell me i did a good job.

our pastor at church did a series on Romans 8,9, and 10 a couple months ago... i went and re-read those chapters. how rich it was. couple verses stuck out to me and i just want to jot them down...

* Romans 8:18 - I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

*8:28 - and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.

these verses are my prayer... as painful as it is that through this His glory will be revealed and that i could see good in this (sometimes it's hard) and that i could again see what my calling is in this world.

i am a whole turned half and so wanting to be whole again. i long for the day i could laugh again and have fun again. i long for the day where life will be joyful and i can basically feel.

firsts

a man of great faith passed away about two weeks ago. i got a text message from L while i was in baltimore.

i met him for the first time after coming back to the states about a month and a half after P passed away. AS was in his usually pew at church and when i saw him i cried. i really enjoyed him before we went to indonesia and knew that he had been praying for us a lot while we were there. he would also send cards to us. he was such a blessing... i went over to him after the service and when i said who i was, he told me how he had been praying for me and sorry he hadn't come to the service. he was in the hospital. he told me now he wanted to just go home to be with Jesus. he told me he didn't want to be here anymore. i cried...

now he's there... right where he wanted to go. he was 96 1/2. wow what a man of faith.

i just got back from the memorial service. my first one since P's. i think if it was a wake it would have been way harder, but it was just a service. i was truly blessed by his life and the stories that were told...

on my way home i called a friend and talked a little, then started talking to God. it was a pretty meaningful deep talk with my Abba... crying, yelling, sobbing, asking... wondering what the meaning of my life is. what do i do now? i don't know... the problem is i thought it was mapped out for me already and all i had to do was follow... and then this great big block just fell on the map and i have no idea which direction to go now... where do i go God?

still no answers... but at least i asked... i'm doing now what i feel He is wanting me to do... taking care of A, resting, getting counseling and wrestling with the very questions i have.

multiple

Satan

today i was thinking about how satan is so real in our lives. then wondering how many times we think about satan... not that he should be the primary thought in our lives, but when we sin or think about sinning, i wonder how many of us think to rebuke satan. i mean God gave us the authority over satan in the name of Jesus to rebuke him. i wonder, including myself, if we ever just think of thoughts and actions a normal reaction instead of thinking that satan is trying to turn us away from our Father, our Creator, our Lord and Savior, who so wants us to be free from it. i think a lot of spiritual battle and i feel how real it is every day and how we, as believers, need to be fighting the battle every day. just a thought i had today.
Home

It has already been almost three and a half months and though it sounds like a short time, it feels like it has been decades. In processing these few months, I have felt a need to go back to our home in Indonesia for a visit. As I prayed about it, the desire got stronger and I felt that it was the best next step for both A and I. The timing is great because A and I both have Indonesia fresh in our thoughts. Also, I feel like it would be harder for both of us if we had to wait a long time in terms of grieving and understanding that P is not in Indonesia. It would also be great to be together with people and grieve with them. We had to so quickly get out of there. I have talked to our friends and family and they all see the benefits of this visit.

A and I will be joining friends the end of October to go to Indonesia. My goal for this visit is to close a chapter in our life in a good and healthy way. I would really like to see people and say good-bye. I know this is going to be a really hard trip, but at the same time, I think that it will be a really good and helpful trip for both A and I.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support through this process. I feel like even in these past three and a half months, we have come a long way. I know there is still a lot left on this road, but the Lord is really showing me that He is in control and that I just need to trust and obey. Whatever the outcome, The Lord has us in the palm of His hand and all is for His glory. Trust and obey…

Again we will be leaving on the end of October. A couple from our fellowship, M and B, will be joining us the following week. They will meet people and see our life there a little and escort us back home. I am really thankful that the Lord has provided us with this couple as I have a good friendship with B and Anna enjoys M.

Thanks for your prayer and support.

visit

p's parents are coming for the weekend. excited to see them. please pray our time together... it'll be good, but also hard being that it's our first meeting after all the services.

Growing up

there are lots of things in life that make you grow up... i think i did a lot of growing up in the past few years with dating and getting married. but even after you get married, yes you have a role of being a wife, there are still aspects where you both could be a kid, just enjoy life. then we had A, boy do you have to grow up... you have this other life in your hands, that God has entrusted you with. i remember specifically P and i crying one night fearful of bringing this new life into such a corrupted sinful world wondering if we were ready for the challenge. now death... i really feel like there has been a lot of growing up i'm doing. your life is just turned upside down in a matter of minutes and you really don't have a choice but to grow up and make important decisions on your own, this time not just for me, but for A too... how intense is that.

i've been thinking of how many more decisions in the future i have to make for both A and myself... how that not only does it effect me, but A also... scared that i will make mistakes, actually knowing that i will probably make mistakes... praying and begging the Lord to guide me in each step i make in this process so it'll be good not just for me, but also for A.

again i think of the night P and i cried fearful of bringing a baby into this corrupted sinful world wondering how are we going to protect the baby from the evil in this world... at least then we were a team... now left alone to do it on my own... please pray with me as i raise A.

eloquence

i was in young writers when i was in elementary school. i loved writing and if you go to my grammar school, the book i wrote in like 4th grade is still on display in the school library. in saying that, i was re-reading some of my entries and thought about what an amateur i am. but thank you for reading all my thoughts and praying for me.

today i was at church. our church is currently doing a wonderful series and today's focus in the series was story. what story do we have? how do we tell people our stories? and the service ended with a song that brought me to tears. i cry a lot during church lately and some may think it's because i miss P or because i am thinking about him, which is actually only a small percent of the time. most of the tears is due to how true the message and praises are. i don't know how many of you realize how much truth we sing in church and how the truth our pastors speak should be life changing. anyway, i was singing the last song with everyone and wished that song could be my song... i mean like people could see that song in my life. here's the song...

Befriended, befriended by the King above all Kings
Surrendered, surrendered to a friend above all friends
Invited, invited deep into this mystery
Delighted, delighted by the wonders I have seen

This will be my story
This will be my song
You'll always be my savior.
Jesus You will always have my heart

Astounded, astounded that Your gospel bekoned me
Surroundered, surroundered but I've never been so free
Determined, determined now to live this life for You
Your'e so worthy my greatest gift would be the least You're due

This will be my story
This will be my song
You'll always be my Savior.
Jesus You will always have my heart

it is an absolute truth of how the Lord is in my life and i from the bottom of my heart today i sang the chorus... i want Him to always be my Savior and be able to say, "Yes Lord, you will always have my heart." -even in times like this.

then at Encounter, our evening church, we sang so many words of truth. and one of it was "Better than Life". and it was such a good ending to such a wonderful message. i really enjoy TRUTH lately. it's carrying me through this time of struggle.

tonight i thought of jacob in the Bible and how he wrestled with the Lord because he wanted to be blessed. it first says he wrestled a man, but then it says later that he calls the place, "Peniel" saying he saw God face to face (Genesis 32:22-32). i want an encounter like that with God. i want to wrestle with Him on this issue, this event of my life. i want to ask Him questions, that eventhough i know the answers, i want to hear it from Him. i want to have an encounter with God, and like i said, that eventhough i know what the answer is, that with this situation, with this pain in my life, i want Him to come to me and say to me, "E I love you!!!" the thing is, like i have stated before, i know He loves me... i know that He is hurting because i am hurting... but in my humanness... i feel pain and hurt and loneliness and abandonment... and the thing is the only one that could take away and fill those feelings is God... and slowly but surely i know He will heal it and fill it with Him... but why is it taking so long? my pain is still so raw... it seems like anyone who tries to come and clean the wound for me, even God, i just scream, like a little kid would, not wanting anyone to touch it right now... it just hurts so much.

please pray for me as i have already been having wrestling encounters with God. i don't think it's just going to take one, like it did with jacob... i think it will be a process in this chapter of my life... but i just pray that it will be an absolutely amazing one... if you read that part of the chapter about jacob, it talks about how jacob didn't let God go unless he blessed Him, it seems like he hung on for dear life because he was wounded from the wrestling match... i don't want to let God go in this struggle in my life... i want to hang on and ask him to bless me and give me peace and understanding of His plan in my life.

i wish i had eloquent words for everyone to read, but this is all i have. thank you for your prayers and encouragement.