i know i've mentioned this a few times of how i feel like P will just come around the corner sometimes. i feel that when i'm doing something i know he'd be proud of. like i'm a terrible parallel parker. when i first came back and was parking at our house, i just laughed thinking how much P would laugh at me and tell me i'm such a suburb girl. now i'm a lot better at it, i could get the car in at least in two tries, mostly one, and i just think how he'd tell me how he's proud that i'm doing so well. or like when i'm doing things i wouldn't usually do, i feel like he'd just come from behind me and give me a hug and tell me how he was proud of me. or he would give me a high five.
tonight i was with a family that we hung out with together... i kind of married into this family, but as i was there, i sometimes felt that he should be coming around the corner to join us. or he'd yell out of the names and give them a high five. i thought of how all our kids were together and how P never saw some of them. weird huh?
i wait for him... find myself waiting for something from him, but i don't get anything. :( maybe someday i'll get tired of waiting and just know that he won't be coming around that corner. sometimes i think though that he may. sometimes i just have our conversations alone, knowing what he may have said and just have this conversation. sad, but true. maybe someday i'll get tired of that too.
it's almost four months... i can't believe it. time keeps going, life keeps going, but sometimes i find myself in the past... in this vivid memory of the past... praying through it all, but really hard. i hope that when the day comes that i am in the NOW, everyone will understand where i have been even though i was there with them. i find myself with people, but really not there... so when i am actually finally there, ALL there in the future, you'll forgive me for not being there in the past.
20 more days... butterflies flutter in my stomach... this is intense...
