today marks four months since P went home to be with the Lord. today was also the service for Grandpa R. I didn't do much to help with the service, but i was around while the others cut, pasted, printed, copy, talked, shared, laughed... it was kind of therapeutic for me.
tonight during the service P was mentioned and i cried... Grandpa R and P together in heaven... what a picture, neither have to suffer pain again.
i was thinking about something tonight as i was in the shower... how some people like Grandpa R and P just live life to the fullest... they really live for God just out of love for Him... then there are some people that may have lived for God, but after seeing lives such as Grandpa R or P get convicted to live better... then there are people like me, who also lived for God and then get hit with something unexpected... totally life changing, mind changing and soul changing and you're left with this choice as to whether to keep hanging on to God, or just leaving Him (which i have thought of). then there are people out there that are searching for answers to all life's questions... then there are people who don't care and don't know God.
the thing i thought of in the shower is this... no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow... no one knows whose turn is going to be next... i know lots of people say this, but do we really think about it. i mean we could make plans and plans, but if God says, "sorry no that's not my plan, just come home" then that's it... so i think of the phrase carpe diem - "seize the day". do we all live this way?
Grandpa R was blessed to have a full 92 years of life and P was blessed with 29, but again, i feel like both did a good job. i can't speak for Grandpa R, but i know P would make this own time sheets and carry it around in his wallet tallying how many hours he was spending in Kingdom work. this is not because they are better, but they really longed to serve the Lord... their heart was all there... where is our heart?
i mentioned how i am in a situation where due to circumstances i have been mad at God and wanted to give up this relationship with Him... He hurt me... but the thing is i know the truth is sin did this to me. God didn't want death, but when sin entered... that's when this crazy hurtful thing called death entered. so i think of what my life would be like without God... could i tell you, that no matter how mad i get at God and how my future scares the crap out of me, i am so much more afraid of my life without God... i mean i am scared... i can't even imagine it and if i try i just shake in utter fear... because God breathed life to me... He is my everything... so really in the end, yes i am hurt... shattered into pieces, but it would be absolutely nothing without God. i do see a light at the end of the tunnel.
the other day for some reason i felt peaceful... i thought of P, but not really sad, but just peaceful... that night i had a really good conversation with a friend about life... and after that call i felt like i could do this. that life will one day be okay... that i'm going to breath and it's not going to sting my heart... that i'm going to see pictures and smile... that i am going to be okay... and it rejuvenated me... and then i know that God is answering not only my prayers, but hundreds of people's prayer.
i have had these days before... i was told that one of maria sue chapman (steven curtis chapman's daughter) siblings said that grief is like a winding road... you go around one bend and it's a beautiful meadow... you go around another and it's pitch dark... so true and i pray for that family as well as myself... that no matter what is around that bend... God will be there too, because really life is terrifying without Him even on the good sunny days.
please pray for us as we are only a couple weeks away from leaving for indonesia. pray for us as we prepare... pray for us as we are there... pray for us as we come back... emotionally, physically and spiritually.
