A lot of people ask how I’m doing and I tend to give the generic answer of, “I’m okay.” The thing is for a long time I wasn’t okay. I just want to share where I’m at right now before going on this adventure so you all could pray for me.
When P first went to be with the Lord, I was really “out of my mind”. I had a lot of different emotions and never knew which one I was to deal with first. As time passed I started to hate P and God and didn’t want to have anything to do with either of them, but at the same time only having God to turn to with such difficult questions and situations and only being in thoughts of P. I feel like I had been in that stage for a while…. Questioning whether I was going to trust God again or not. Despite all of that, I still had only God to turn to. How humbling is that?
I have to say that where I am at now is all due to the many who have gotten down on their knees in prayer for myself and also A.
The Lord is good… I am very nervous and mixed up about this trip that I will take tomorrow, but I am so thankful for the Lord’s leading me to where I am.
I caught myself a few times, actually a lot of times, wallowing in the thought of, “how could I do this by myself?” or “he should be here.” or “poor A.” or “why me?” But some time last week, as I was feeling sorry for myself and saying, “uh he should be here for this, I shouldn’t be doing this alone.” I felt the Lord say, “yes E, this is exactly where I want you and you’ll be fine, I’m here.” And what more did I need than the Lord telling me this.
Another encounter I had was when I was so mad that P was gone, again all this in about a week’s time. I was so mad at God and P, but again I felt the Lord ask, “could you live without me?” Of course not. My days are dark without P, but I know that it would get better, but my days without God… that’s nothing I even want to think about.
So these past two weeks have been like so good for me and I feel like it’s such a blessing to be at this place before I leave for the trip. Though the trip will be so tough, I know that God has already gone before me to prepare my time. I also know that I will come back and have a hard time, but again, what a blessing to have a loving Father covering over that time. I am in utter dependence of Him and the thing is, I could do this… this thing called life… I could do it without P because even though I don’t have P, God is there.
The ultimate thing is this. God had a plan with P. He had a plan with P and me. He then had a plan with P, E and A. But P’s gone, really no other way to put it. I could spend every day thinking about how he’s gone and I’m alone and living that, being stuck with that or be grateful for the days we had together, learn from it (which of course I am who I am now because of him), and continue my walk with God, be real with Him (whether it is anger or all the other emotions) and let Him lead my next steps in hopes of seeing P again in heaven, which I’m really looking forward to. I also know that sometimes to take a few steps forward means you have to take one step back, but again just knowing even though that is the case, that God is with me.
My fears once were that if I allowed myself to even think about “what’s next?” that meant I am forgetting P, but I now know I will never forget him. P not only is A’s daddy (which is the biggest thing), but he has had such an impact on my life that no matter what, he will always be in my memories and life.
So I ask that you pray for me as I embark on this journey I will continue to remember what I experienced this week. Please also pray that I could continue to be real with Him and myself. I fear that since I am at a good place, that I may try to be strong and not fall into sadness, but sadness is not bad… I’m going to close a great chapter in my book of life and it’s going to be hard and full of lots of tears… but it’ll be good because God is good. So pray that I will remember that and not try to hold it together. Also pray for A. Tonight in her bath we were talking about our trip and she asked, “why daddy can’t be there in Indonesia?” She really misses him, why wouldn’t she right? But please pray that there won’t be a sense of abandonment but that she could really feel at peace and understand as much as a little two year old could.
I’ll try to blog while I’m there, but if not, please just keep us in your prayers, and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you all...
