it's no grant park...

it was no grant park or oakton community college, but this town had a pretty good show of fireworks to welcome the new year. A has been sick with a cold and i decided we weren't going to go to the neighborhood ho-down. A went to bed at her usual time and i watched a movie. then at 11:45 things got wild. horns were blown by kids all over and the beginning of the fireworks started. people were walking up and down our pathway... so i put my sweatshirt on and went outside to be greeted by my friend, N, who gave me the traditional kiss on both cheeks. we watched the fireworks and greeted all the people that went by the house, saying "selamat tahun baru". then i heard my phone ring... i came inside and my dear good friend AH called to wish me a happy new year as she ate cereal on the other end of the world!!! what a great way to enter 2010... people i love here and people i love across the world. happy new year and i pray that everyone's new year would be far greater than anything we could plan or imagine, the Lord is good in that way!!!

**now the after show has started with traditional music playing from a nearby music center... i could hear it loud and clear here. it's going to be a long night. ha ha...**

again

matthew 22 had the sentence... verse 14 from what i wrote about yesterday... for many are called but few are chosen... i get the verse, but i have some questions about it. it's an interesting verse.... i'll let you know what i discover.

tomorrow we are heading out for a week. we are having a real vacation. i'm very excited about this... lots of friends we call family here are going... A will have lots of "cousins" to play with and i'll have some nice adult conversations!!! we will be back the 7th.

please pray for safe travels and a great refreshing time for us both.

see you all next year!!

2009 coming to an end...

how do i summarize 2009? what were the highlights?

one way to summarize... God is good and faithful. throughout all our highlights... moving into a new house in the beginning of the year... trip after trip - LA, florida, kansas,... moving around the world... healing in new ways... earthquakes... working... discovering God's plan, one step at a time, one day at a time...

what do i look forward to in 2010??

nothing more than what has happen this year. i want to continue to see God's goodness and faithfulness each step of the way throughout 2010. i continually want to see more of Jesus in me and less of me. i want more than anything, people who do not have a relationship with Jesus, to come before Him and start an amazingly great relationship. people to be set free in the same of Jesus from bondage that are enslaving them. i also want to learn daily to be a better parent... loving, patient and encouraging... there are some other things i am looking forward to in 2010... but these are some big things in my heart.

____________________________________________________________________________________

those were just some thoughts i had. but this is actually why i started this blog... matthew 20:16. everyone i think memorizes this verse... "So the last will be first and the first will be last." this week as i read it, i was shocked that the NKJV had something the NIV did not at the end... "So the last will be first and the first will be last, For many are called, but few are chosen." that last part of the verse has thrown me for a loop. what does it mean? anyone?

the context this verse comes from is the parable of the workers in the vineyard, which is describing what heaven is like. all of the workers got to work, but all of them worked different amount of hours, but they all got the same wage... so i get the whole first will be last and last shall be first stuff, but what's it mean that many are called, but few are chosen? this is what i am pondering these days.

we are all called, then what does it mean to be chosen? apparently they were all in the vineyard which represents heaven right?

i love getting stumped like this. i get into good discussions with people and learn a lot about the word.

a few weeks ago, i was in an intense text message with AB about another verse i had questions on. it was good to learn the culture and stuff that i didn't know that goes into understanding the Word. it's pretty cool stuff reading the bible... especially when you are stuck. i feel that's when you learn the most. one word could make such a difference in understanding the word or making it just a little unclear. the thing that i love the most is when i learn how in the original language the word has more than one meaning where english just uses one word for the multiple words, which are similar enough, but could make things so much more clearer and more meaningful.

anyway... i just wanted to put out there something i've been thinking about.

____________________________________________________________________________________

this year was a great year i have to say. i've learned so much, grown so much and come so far... it's exciting to see what next year will bring... you can't stop learning... you keep growing and although you've come far, you could always go a little further...

praying for a great year for many of you!!! come on 2010!!!

Christmas 2009

**cousins**



**my gift from A**



**A and her stocking stuff**


This year unlike last year, we went back to our family traditions. Last year it was too hard... but this year, I wanted to go back to what P, A and I did together. So here are some things we did...

1. P and I enjoyed watching the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy throughout the month of December. So I did that. I have to say, I learned so much this time around that I feel that I really didn't think about before.

2. Christmas Eve we did stockings. Usually P would wake me up at midnight to do the stockings, but I was not going to do that with A. So after we got home from our Candlelight service Christmas Eve Night, A and I sat down to open our stockings. I was a little sad since my stocking had only one thing in it... unlike those past years with tons of all the goodies I like that P would fill it with... Diet Coke being one of them.

3. Christmas morning we woke up and after washing up, we sang "Silent Night" and "Joy to the World". P would like to sing "Silent Night" in all the languages we knew how to sing between the two of us... So we would sing in English, Korean, German, and Indonesian. ha ha... This is year we just sang it in English. Then we read from Luke 2, the adult bible and the children's bible. After we prayed, we opened presents.

4. Our family tradition was for me to make breakfast burritos on special days. I haven't done it this whole time since P died... Christmas morning, I made breakfast burritos. A said that it was so good. it was funny...

One tradition I want to add, but didn't get to because it rained on Christmas is to do fireworks. I bought sparkles for us. Maybe we could do it tonight or something.

Christmas was a little sad in the morning, some tears were shed, both by A saying she missed her daddy and me.

Later in the day, we had a fabulous time with our family here. Had a great lunch and wonderful desserts. Watched some pre-recorded football, from last year, but who cares right. We did presents and throughout the time, tried to digest the over consumed food in our bellies.

I guess Christmas is what you make it huh? What family traditions are and how our individual hearts are during this season... I want to instill in A's heart our desire to remember Christ and the awesome thing he has done for us.

apologies

i would like to apologize for my last blog. i think i could have offended a lot of people and may have even seemed like a scrooge. so i would like to say sorry.

i wanted to explain where and how that all came about.

a couple weeks ago, kids came over to play with A... they asked about the christmas tree and the presents under it. i tried to explain it and somehow put the story of Christ in it, but i really couldn't. i saw no correlation. later a friend said that next time they ask i could explain how Christ was a gift to us and that's why we give presents to each other. okay... i was satisfied with that answer to give them, but it wasn't enough for me.

i feel like my heart is like going through what cindy lou was going through in the grinch who stole christmas. what does it really mean? it represents Christ's birthday, but actually that's not how it started. it was a very secular day. anyway... in all this process and me personally getting a little stressed with the shopping, with the little time i have, and honestly a little frustrated with trying to figure out what the center of christmas really is in MY HEART, i wrote that post.

i hope that no one was offended and if you were, i'm sorry or thought i was trying to push something... i don't know what i want to push for myself now anyway... again just keep thinking about where my heart is in this.

thanks...

ugh

so i'm just not happy with the amount of shopping that goes into christmas. everyone's facebook status has something to do with shopping for christmas, finishing up their shopping for christmas, or how they are stressed about shopping. PR put a quote by Pastor John Piper on his facebook... "One of the great uses of twitter and facebook will be to prove on the last day that praylessness was not from lack of time..." - John Piper

the other day i saw a challenge on facebook about using facebook to share Christ.

okay now i'm going on a tangent. i was talking about shopping for christmas. anyway... i'm thinking of maybe starting next year, not shopping. i'm still thinking... but i feel it takes away from the true meaning of christmas. i mean we spend almost a whole month shopping for family and friends in preparation for christmas, but how much time do we ready our hearts to remember the remarkable thing that God did for us?

i say this because it's been gnawing at my heart these days... this is a totally awesome day... and yet... so much of my time was spent on other things. if i would just stop and think of what this day actually means for me and all mankind... and when i do... my heart is just bowed before the throne... my goodness... for me Lord? i'm telling you it's so utterly amazing if you think about it. God in flesh for you and me... to think of such a humble king... my mind can't quite comprehend yet it is so grateful... there are no words to express how i feel, even now as i type this, of this miraculous day that will be here in 5 days...

dreaded day has come

my friend told me of a time when her daughter came into bed in the morning. after having said their morning greetings, the little girl told my friend that her breath smelled bad... said something like her breath smelled like fish or something to that effect.

that dreaded day came the other day... as A came into my bed one morning and lay with me. she told me that my breath was stinky. ugh so sad... ha ha...

From A

**she chose this picture to put up with her little message**

annmgjuyyaqszxd ghjdwsqasxdffcc ggggfrdddffee gggggtyhffgdfd ggtdeews3w tgtrrrrrr rteterweqw yhhgftddsejfg ghttgeugg nfhjyrthrtftdrfsafethhyyrehhgggyfbyyhhgggnbnhvhgbbnbhbbbhgghh hhfggyfgf hhfjhvufgvfghuhgggyrgygvfgfy7ttrhufgvbngfvc hfygrgt hhy7ety3dbv b heyfre heygey heytyr vdgvfterf3efe gftew5rettedftftfrfvfdewrrde gytdv gdffh gdgcv cdgdyg gdhc chfhdc cvhf gcfgvc vfvgvccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxyyyy76rrrrr
rdsdrsdwrdsdsswsffwyrwtdddddwrwerwwses4er4wddrrdsrssdssdtfrfqayrqdrdrqer
qsaesesqsadtttt3w2eteffgfg
fffvahdrffr ytfffwder gtfrdfd gywedrddd vvfff gtdfddddc vc gdhefdedfdfv gdyteyed

anna (A typed her own name, i couldn't erase it... she's so proud she found the letters)

blessed be the name of the Lord

**my dear friend KS went to memory park for A and me on P's birthday. i thought i would share the pictures she shared with me. thanks KS for doing that... you are awesome!!**

18 months ago... i had a nightmare... but it was a nightmare that would not end... for days i would sleep, but couldn't sleep... oh to just sleep and wake up and the nightmare would be over... but it was reality... a really hard, blow in the stomach, knock you out reality... as days, weeks, months and what seems like years passed... this nightmare was bearable and i could see little by little the blessings that came from it. i'm not saying that this was at all a good thing or a great thing at that, but that God can use bad things for good... He can turn bad to bring glory to Himself... and i think that's what He did and is still doing in all that has happened.

as Job was tested... he says, "the Lord gives and He takes away, but my heart will choose to say Lord blessed be your name". (not directly from the bible, but the idea...) this is what i want to choose to say daily... God you are the one that gives and you are the one that takes... so nightmares may come and the earth may shake and i may be faint and weary, but i am going to choose to say in all these circumstances... Blessed be the name of the Lord.

18 months, what seems like years, has been quite a journey for both A and i, but He is good... that's all i have to say. i can't do squat, but He can... so therefore here i am miles and miles away from family and friends, obeying what the Lord has for me, not because i can, but because He does.

tomorrow is the last day of work before a 3 week vacation. i am very excited and can't wait to spend time with my daughter and friends.

please continue to pray for safety and also for us as the holidays approach.

feeling loved

yesterday in the afternoon i got a chance to sit down and talk to women in my neighborhood. we haven't seen each other in a while, with my teaching schedule, i just haven't been around much to hang out with the ladies. so yesterday i was talking to a few women and they were asking me if i was going back to the states for Christmas. i told them how i wasn't going. then they asked if anyone was coming. i told them that no one was coming. then they said, "kasihan", which is the same as "pobrecita" in spanish... like poor girl... i was explaining to them that it was okay because i was going to friends' house. but they kept talking to each other, not me, as to how they should come over on christmas and stay with me since they are my family. then one of the ladies looked over at me and said, "but i can't sleep over okay." i felt so loved and cared for. they told me not to hesitate to have them over and spend christmas together. it was great. now i'm trying to think of a way to make it happen some how. i'm praying about it. please pray with me. i want to receive their love, but also enjoy the day to remember Christ.

Awesome

P told me how BB would say how you need to use a capital A when you say God is Awesome. that's what i want to say today. God is Awesome. there are stories to be told... maybe some day you will be able to hear those stories... but til then, just keep praying for the Awesomeness of God that is happening in our life.

He's Alive

do you know that song...

God's not dead... He's alive... God's not dead... He's alive

well just wanted to let you know that even though i know this in my head and i know this in my heart... i had a truly amazing experience of this this weekend...

woo hoo... guys... God's not dead... He's alive

please pray about this amazing experience. although i cannot share here, God knows, so please just pray.

question

so i've been praying about how there are few workers... the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few, please send out more workers. as i prayed about it, i wondered why there are so few workers when there are so many believers. granted i know that we are all called to different things, but are we not all supposed to be sold out for Christ? are we not all supposed to be ambassadors for Christ? are we not all supposed to pick up the cross and follow Jesus? are we not all supposed to His witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth? so why are we lacking workers in the field? please pray for more workers all over.

i was listening to louie giglio and he said that in a certain country for every 700,000 unbelievers there is only 1 worker. can you calculate that and what that means? how are we going to accomplish this is there are few workers? O LORD we need more workers!!!!

smoke...

a cloud of smoke just went by our house. the machine that was blowing this poisonous smoke was so loud our cat ran from room to room scared. this loud cloud of poisonous smoke to kill all the mosquitoes. the government usually does this when there are reports of dengue fever in a certain area. PRAISE GOD that neither A or i got it, but this smoke is not funny business. i remember the first time we ever experienced this... P and i were in class and the smoke started to seep into the windows of our classroom... soon i was feeling light headed and thought i was going to pass out. here i am in my bedroom feeling a little light headed, but okay for the most part. usually they ask to come into the houses, but today they did not. last time, our helper was smart enough and didn't let them in.

so what does this mean... well they come around to kill the mosquitoes, but i'm not going to out for a while, because what ends up happening is all the bugs... cockroaches and what not come crawling out of everywhere struggling... and so many are found dead in the streets... they just walk around like a drunk and then die.

the worst part of all this... children think it's the best thing in the world this man coming around with all this smoke, so they chase the man... follow him throughout the neighborhoods right behind him. of course probably generations of children have probably done this, so it's probably not a big deal for the people here... oh well.

PRAISE GOD, A is out with Aunt S, Christmas shopping for mom. usually P would take her shopping, even though she doesn't buy, from when she was a baby, they would get things for me together. last year TR did a great job and took A shopping for me without me even knowing. this year i have asked SG to take A for a little lesson on buying for mom too... so she is missing this incredibly exciting smoke.

PRAISE GOD, for a little time to myself. i'm enjoying this time of rest. maybe i'll take a little rest since A is out and i'm alone at home by myself... rarely happens.

Selamat Ulang Tahun

**P enjoying a steak for one of his birthdays**


**P's girls that he is proud of**



My Dear P...

Happy Birthday. I guess you would have been 31 huh? Today we did some things to remember you... although A asked why we were doing anything since you are in heaven. So we did things, but it really was only me.

We went to buy some flowers this morning to plant around the house. I finally got some hanging plants that I've wanted since forever... They even had poinsettias, so I got a couple of those for the house. Happy Christmas.

We also had a good time with a few people we know... then... we went to watch a movie, A Christmas Carol. It wasn't good for A... a little scary, but she kept saying, "I'm brave" then when the movie ended happy, she told me she was only a little scared and that she liked the movie. She's so cute.

In honor of you, we went out for pizza. It was good. A and I got two cupcakes and brought it home to eat. Now I'm watching your favorite movie, but am wondering why in the world you even like this movie? You're a weirdo sometimes... I'm fast forwarding through a lot of the movie... You liked the movie so much you had a xanga account in the character's name. (I shake my head as I type this.)

KS said that she will go to memory park for me today... she's going to take you a little something from us. You know we'd be there if we were there... but friends are great. (KS thanks for going for me)

You know I would have made this a good one... just like the other ones, right?

I love you and miss you, always will. Hate that you're gone, but doing pretty darn good... God's been good. You'd be proud of your girls... especially A... she's growing up to be such a beautiful girl... today I thought she needs her daddy to take on all those guys that will be following her around. She already has a little boy at school who follows her out just to say good-bye. You'd be proud of your girls... I love you.

Happy Birthday buddy...

Love...

Your Es girl...

promotion

**A reading her bible in the train**



**Uncle A and A caught a lot of fish**



**me and my baby**

so usually i say, i'm not promoting something... today i am. please if you get a chance pick up the book, "magnificent obsession" by anne graham lotz. i've heard her speak and now reading this book, i'm so in love with her. the book is so challenging and makes you want to shout Jesus in all that you do and say....

throughout the book, i'm halfway done, but i feel the Lord speaking directly to my heart with the questions she is asking in the book. He's definitely using this book to mold me and shape me more...

my question... why do we let ourselves be so mediocre?

read the book....


______________________________________________________________________________________

wednesday is P's birthday... he would have been 31 years old... today i told A that we will do something for daddy's birthday... and she said, "but mommy, he's in heaven." it's definitely for me. i told her it was just to remember daddy and she smiled and asked what i wanted to do. :)

we were totally birthday people... we would start celebrating at least a month ahead, he usually did two months ahead for me. my first birthday together we celebrated almost a whole month... ha ha...

i miss enjoying special days together.

______________________________________________________________________________________

I LOVE CHRISTMAS. i miss the snow and stuff, but Christmas is so great... to think of Jesus coming down on this earth in the most lowly way possible for little me... it's such a joyful season... brings hope to all peoples...

I love decorating for Christmas. we now have different presents under the tree. so excited!!! A is definitely excited too. Trying to make the focus Jesus and not the gifts though. Please pray for that.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

A said some cute things...

**we were on the way to see some friends on the train. as a way to entertain my daughter, we played a game... i asked, "what do you smell with?" she would answer, "nose."
"what do you eat with?"
"your teeth"
"what do you see with"
"eyes"
"what do you feel with?"
"hands"
"what do you hear with?"
"ears"
"what do you think with?"
"eyes"
"wait you just said you see with your eyes. you think with your brain A."
"no mommy i think with my eyes"
then A furrows her eyebrows and says... "see".
I LAUGHED SO HARD!!!!

**on the way back we were playing another game...
i asked, "who's smaller, you or me?"
A answered, "me"
"who's taller?"
"you"
"who's bigger?"
"you"
"who's smarter?"
"me"
"who's got longer hair?"
"you"
"who's prettier?"
"we're the same"

more pictures

**this is A's school pet... there are two of them**



**what we had for thanksgiving... mmmm it was so juicy and good**



**A is now writing... isn't this beautiful... i'm so proud of her**

some pictures

**A and her friends... they are both 2 years older than her**



**this is a good friend of mine... she has the same name as me and we lived at her house the first two weeks coming into country**



**we went on a family retreat last weekend with our church here... the children practiced a song while we were in seminars about parenting and then performed it for us... i cried**



**these are some friends**



**this is also a good friend of mine. she really encourages me through word and prayer**

Let's be radical

Radical= fundamental, thorough, advocating fundamental change.
Fundamental = essential or primary, basic.

Let’s be radical. When I think of radical, I think of people who are extreme, but according to the definitions, it’s not. It’s being thorough, basic…

Let’s be radical. Go back to the teachings of Jesus… Do as He wants us to. I’ve been reading Matthew… I love it. Jesus is so clear in what we are to do and believe. Why aren’t we living that way?

Let’s be radical. Stand up to what is unbiblical. Jesus said to be in the world, but not of it… so how come so many of us… nonbelievers can’t tell if we are followers of Jesus?

Let’s be radical. I remember about a year ago, Pastor SC from Bethel did a sermon on how following Jesus is supposed to be hard. It ain’t easy people… it’s not supposed to be. We are going to be persecuted for what we believe in; it says so in the Bible. But the Lord promises to strengthen us and reward us for our actions for His Name Sake.

Let’s be radical. SO people could know Him. Our lives need to reflect Him. That means choosing to say no to Satan when he tempts you to sin. That means standing up for Jesus… In the book “Magnificent Obsession” Anne Graham Lotz tells of a story of her son.
**The situation reminded me of our son, Jonathan, when he was a teenager attending the large public high school. One afternoon when he came home, he said he had been changing classes when another student rudely bumped into him, then verbally assaulted him, using profanity to curse Jonathan – and Jesus. Jonathan described how he grabbed the kid by the front of the shirt, threw him up against the locker, leaned in about an inch from his face, and said firmly, “Listen, buddy, you’re talking about my Savior, the One who died to take away my sins and yours. Watch your mouth.”
Then he let go, and the kid crumpled to the floor. When Jonathan told me this story, there was a big grin stretched across his face. He concluded with, “Mom, it felt so good!”
It does feel good to boldly identify with God… right in the face of those who use His name in vain!**

Let’s be radical… for Jesus.

Please pray for A and myself. Cover us in prayer as Satan attacks us in any way he can to get us down. I sometimes forget how everyday is a battle… forget to put on my armor before I start the day… Pray that I will continually and only trust in our Savior in all that happens today and tomorrow.

Please pray for us as we are going to see AB and TB. It’s just great to be with them and A is totally psyched about fishing and swimming. Pray for safety in travel. We will be back Sunday.

Please pray for us as P’s birthday is this coming week and also with Christmas coming up. Pray for us as we deal with emotions and just the hardness that comes with being so far away from family and friends during the holidays, especially when one is gone til we meet in glory.

**I apologize for not blogging as well… especially since I yell at my friends back in the states to please update theirs. Our schedule is pretty swamped during the week. I’ll try harder.**

Thanksgiving Goat?

** I'm going to have to take better pictures, but AH asked for pictures, so this is what I had on file. I'll take more today and put it up later.**


Today is Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. What's with the goat? Tomorrow is Idul Adha here and there are goats galore on the streets everywhere. It is a day to commemorate Abraham sacrificing Ishmael. So people who are able will buy a goat or a family of up to 7 will buy a cow and give it up as an offering. They do this at the mosque. The meat then is divided and given to the people around the neighborhood, for the poor. I'm not an expert at this, so if you are curious, please look up the holiday.

Today is Thanksgiving. A is at school. I am going to make some mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes and then go to friends' house to celebrate. there are two couples and another single girl coming for this meal. I can't believe it's Thanksgiving. Funny thing is as much as it doesn't feel like it, I know that I'm missing something in the states, so it makes me a little sad.

Today is Thanksgiving. A lot of things to be thankful for. I am so thankful for the sacrifice that God made in sending His Son in this world for me. What would my life be like without him? Just watched The Nativity Story... I am thankful for my beautiful daughter. She is amazing. I'm blessed to have family and friends who love me and support me. I'm thankful for my church in the states and here, you guys have been great. I am truly thankful for internet, which may sound petty, but how would I keep in touch with so many of you without it. I am thankful for memories. I just watched Christmas Shoes the movie the other day, it was not such good acting, but a good movie. Anyway in there there was a quote I really like... "Don't make money, make memories". There is so much more, but this is good...

Tomorrow we are going to a retreat with our church. I'm really excited.

**Three friends' grandfathers passed away this week. You could pray for those friends... with the holiday seasons and a loss, it's got to be hard.**

**Please pray for us as we travel this weekend. For continual health for both A and I.**

**Please pray for the people here tomorrow (Thanksgiving night for people in the states) as they celebrate Idul Adha.**

Be still Know I am God

Hide me now, under Your wings.
Cover me within Your mighty hand.

When the oceans rise
and thunders roar.
I will soar with You, above the storm
Father You are king over the flood,
I will be still and know You are God.

Today at church, we sang this song. In the language here, but as we were singing it, I remembered that June 17, 2008 at the funeral service here we sang that song. Then I remembered why I asked them to have that song be a part of the service... two weeks before P's death, at church they sang this song and i was really blessed by it. Today in church, I felt that God gave me that song two weeks before to prepare me for the oceans that will rise and thunders that will roar in my life... His promise to soar with me above the storm that was to hit my life. He wanted me to know He is the King... He was telling me to be still and know that He is God. He's continually given me that verse in Psalms to remind me... I need to be still and know He is God.

Please pray for A... She's not feeling good. Please pray for health.

Crazy?

A counselor that I know said that the first two years of a person’s life after a spouse passes, anything is possible. He said that it’s like the two years you could be crazy and do whatever you want and it’s normal. :) My counselor told me that it is true that people do crazy things and it’s considered normal, but she thought there is no time limit since everyone is different.

I thought about that this past week as my friend jokingly said I only have 7 more months to be crazy. Ha ha… so I thought about it because I have done some really crazy things after P died. Actually I guess it’s not so crazy but it was totally not me… I have travelled more in these past 17 months than I have in my whole 29 years of life… I have tried things I could never imagine myself to do before and felt so proud afterward… I have probably offended some people…. I have probably been braver on some things thinking of how short life could be… I have gone on roller coasters which I hate… so again they may not sound so crazy to you, but for me… pretty out of the ordinary. But I have to say, I haven’t had those urges for a while now. I feel like that craziness has died down a bit. Although there a few things I would like to do… probably sooner than later like I said because I know that life is short and I would really like to do some cool things. So if the Lord wills it… I will go for those soon.

So if I have offended you, worried you, troubled you, …. I’m sorry. I was clinically crazy. :) And according to some, I still have time to be crazy. :)

busy days

Wow where do I start? I feel like it’s been a long time since I blogged and I feel like I’ve been a little busy to sit down and post a blog. I sit here at my desk, tired really after a full week and having been up throughout the night with A. A had a fever last night and this morning. After taking Tylenol, she is now playing with our helper and I am taking some time to just type down some thoughts.

The week started with our wonderful friend and aunt TB visiting us. She spent two nights with us and that was so much fun. We played, shopped, ate good food, watched movies… It was so nice to have her here. Thanks for coming TB.

In between the visit, I worked while A got some “date” time with TB. It was great. Work has been good. Really getting to know some of the people and developing friendships with co-workers and people who come to The Center. I love it. Next week, I get to teach my very own class. I’m kind of excited.

This week we also started decorating for Christmas because next weekend we will be away for our church retreat. So, we put up our tree and put some lights on it… I have to say it was pretty emotional just thinking of how we used to do things. P would blast out Christmas music, we would put on Santa hats and decorate. This year… A really didn’t care, so I did it alone. Then I started laughing because I remembered having a conversation with P about the Trans Siberian Orchestra. He wanted to get the CD at the store and I told him I loved the band. He looked at me funny and smirked. He said, “you know who they are?” So I may have been born and raised in the states, but I don’t know much about music, so he was shocked. I told him I knew in a rather offended tone and he again laughed. I told him that my friend BK loved that group and I heard it before. Then P acknowledged that I knew what I was talking about because my friend knows music. Ha ha… so as I decorated I found myself sad at one moment and laughing the other. 

In the past week, maybe a little more, I feel the Lord has been really working in my heart in many areas, but He showed me how I haven’t really dealt with some emotions since being here. I love how God searches our hearts and reveals what’s going on in us. I also love how honest I could be with God. I was telling a friend yesterday, how people think something and then are not brave enough to tell God what they are thinking, even though He already knows what they thought about. Me included, but I’ve been so totally honest with Him with everything lately… It’s so freeing to be able to tell God the things in my heart and know fully that He accepts me and is hearing me and loves me all the same.

It’s been a little over 5 months since being here and a little over 17 months since P died. Can’t believe how time has passed, but like I told TB, although it’s been 17 months, sometimes I feel like it’s been 17 years… I mean I totally feel sometimes that I have lived 17 years since last June. Soon it will have been a year and a half and then… two years will come like nothing…

I read a few letters that P wrote me after decorating the tree … and in each letter he talked about God’s faithfulness and how in perfect faithfulness God has planned things from long ago… (Isaiah 26:1 – I think) reminding me that whatever happens… God is faithful and has a good plan for us. Although of course in his letters he talked about us getting old and grey together in the hoped for plan…

I guess I will always feel this way… missing P, but ever so excited about what God has for A and I in the future. I trust in His is goodness and faithfulness. We serve a great God…

Just watched a Joseph movie with A as she is sick… What suffering He went through, but through each one, God was His hope and He was blessed beyond what anyone could make up. Awesome huh? Not that I’m expecting a blessing like Joseph, but as I read “Magnificent Obsession” by Anne Graham Lotz, I realize that just being in love with God is a blessing. Oh to keep falling in love with everyday…

the cats in our neighborhood

aren't they the cutest cats you've seen. afternoon of face-painting.

Learned or Genes? Who cares right?

**The Work of Art "Bee" by AEP**


It’s funny how sometimes we don’t even have to try to be like our parents, some of them learned, some of them just because we are their kids, some of them because we have their genes… whatever the case is, we sometimes just don’t have to try we just are like them. Yesterday I was watching the movie, “Dan in Real Life”. Again I’m not promoting movies, just borrowed it from HB. Didn’t know it was about a widower, but he said something toward the end of the movie that made me think about this. He was telling his girls that he sees his late wife all the time… in his eldest’s goodness, in his middle’s passion, in his youngest’s eyes… and he just talked about how he would or actually couldn’t ever forget his late wife.

I see so much of P in A, actually I see both of us in her. I love the way she is like P and laugh at the way she is like me. It’s great that someone is like you, but I also think of how P would like the ways she is like me and just laugh at how much he loved me and how much he loved A… and how much more he would love her at the way she’s growing. He always said that he wanted her to be like me. And sometimes I think of if the tables were turned, P would do the same things I’m doing now… realizing how much she is like me without me even being there.

A loves to sing, which is like P, but she also loves to dance like me. I love it. A loves to draw like P and she’s quite good at it. The other day she brought me a picture and said it was a bee. I looked at it and was so surprised at how good it was. She and her friends will sit down for a long time drawing. A likes to fix things and put things together like me and her Aunt AP, which there is no blood relation, but funny how both of the P men got married to women who like that. So A will walk around looking for things to fix. She’ll ask if she could borrow my hammer and tools… One time she sat with her broken toy, can’t remember what it was now, but was working on it with my real tools to fix it. ha ha… Of course, I got that from my mom. A has beautiful long gorgeous lashes just like her daddy and cute little flat nose like me. A’s outgoing like both of us and loves people like both of us. A loves fishing, which neither of us loves, but P did grow up going fishing. A loves to read like her daddy, now mommy likes it, but before I did not. A is real quick at things like me… P would definitely agree with this, that my common sense surpasses his. Ha ha… A has a real gentle spirit like her daddy and cares for so many hurting people, she’ll remember who is sick at night and pray for them. She will also stop me at the grocery store if someone is crying to pray for them. I could go on and on… but I say this to say… that one day A will probably think or even ask if I have forgotten daddy, but I just have to look at her and he’s there. He’ll always be a part of us… even some of the things that I do… I do now because of him.

I was sick yesterday. I wish I could tell you what was wrong, but I woke up a little of the not so good side. Anyway, I was in bed all day yesterday and then today I woke up so much better. I went about my usual morning stuff and then took a shower so I could take A to school… and I felt light headed and not so good again. So our helper took A to school and I stayed home. I sat in our tv room and did my quiet time.

Now let me explain about my quiet time. I felt like for a little while, it’s been a little dry. Today I figured out what it was… I have been doing my quiet times, reading and writing down scripture and thinking about it, but for a while… can’t really think how long, I haven’t been praying about it. I would pray, but today as I was doing my quiet time, I would write down a verse and pray that verse over myself or the person I thought of or a situation I knew of… something I learned from P… anyways… today as I was doing this, I thought… why this is so good. And I felt the Lord tell me, “Be still and know that I am God”. That was it… I cut my quiet times short because of how busy I was, but I really need my quiet times to get through the day… and I cut it short in the most important way… my prayers. In a way, I was glad I was sick… to just sit and relax with God and hear from Him what He has to say to me.

I read Romans 8 today… I love His word. So in verses 5-6 it says, “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the spirit, the things of the spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.” I’ve been praying through some things about our future. I’m not sure which direction the Lord is leading us after our year here, but as I read this, I had such a desire to be spiritually minded that I may have life and peace. How I do not desire to live in the flesh… how meaningless and what it leads to is so not worth it. Just a makes me reflect how much of my mind is flesh and how much of it is spiritual. I was talking to a few friends and just talking about how our life would be so different if even in the little things we sought what the Lord wants from us. My friend, KS, e-mailed today to tell me that God knows even how many steps we take… He wants to know even that from us, enough to put it in scripture to tell us HE knows, so of course He wants to be a part of our decision in whether we should buy the red shoe or the black one.

There is so much to share with what I read, but that’s all I’m going to share right now. I wanted to actually talk about how much God is able and get so frustrated when people say things like, “that was just in Bible times”. Maybe I said this before, but if Hebrews says that He is the same yesterday, today and forever, why wouldn’t He do such things now. Again KS e-mailed like last week to tell me that she was reading Exodus and said something along the lines of, “the Israelites were walking through a huge freakin wall of water”. Sunday my pastor talked about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from Daniel 3. I mean seriously a huge freakin wall of water and surviving a fiery furnace. Why don’t we call out for these things now? Me included… I was talking with a friend Monday night and we were discussing how we just have this conflict with ourselves on being from the states and seeing what God does here… How sometimes it’s hard to have faith that He will do what He asks us to do… Fear is what it comes down to. Ugh How I pray the Lord will strengthen me to what HE wants me to do and not chicken out. LORD let me only fear you.

some thoughts

My favorite movie, “Remember the Titans” also has one of my favorite quotes: “attitude reflects leadership, captain.” For a couple weeks, I have been frustrated at A’s attitude, she’s been so whiney and everything was about daddy. Yesterday I was on the phone with a good friend talking about such things and realizing that I too have an attitude problem. She told me that we have some things to work through, but we’ll get through it. She gave me some good advice and it was an encouraging, but hard talk. She’s the one friend I know that will tell me exactly how it is. Thanks for that, AH. After my conversation with her, I went on the treadmill and I was running, I had a great conversation with God. I realized that her attitude reflected mine and God pointed out how my reactions were to her, which made her the way she was. I came out of the workout refreshed. Yesterday and today have been wonderful for A and I. I have to keep reminding myself how my attitude needs to be good and not just expect hers to be good. Again only two days, but it’s going well.
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Today I read Romans 6… I really enjoy reading the new testament… I was really convicted yet again about the sin in my life through this chapter.

Verses 1-2 “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?
This is same question is then repeated in verse 15. We have died to sin… it should not be a part of our lives…

Verses 5-6 “For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin.”

Verses 10-11 “For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Likewise you also reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Verse 12 “THEREFORE DO NOT LET SIN REIGN IN YOUR MORTAL BODY, THAT YOU SHOULD OBEY IT IN ITS LUSTS.”

Verses 22-23 “But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our LORD.”

I think about how we sometimes abuse God’s grace. I think I have written about this before… But we cannot knowingly sin because of God’s grace… we are abusing God’s grace.

Verse 14 “FOR SIN SHALL NOT HAVE DOMINION OVER YOU, FOR YOU ARE NOT UNDER LAW BUT UNDER GRACE.”

I don’t by all means think that this is saying that we should go ahead and sin because of grace… no. I cannot speak as eloquently or with such power as Paul who wrote this book. Read it… we should be running from sin… in battle with Satan for righteousness in our lives. Oh how I struggle with that, but know that He is giving me strength everyday to overcome it… no He has already overcome it… and I too have died to it. Lord help me to hate sin and grow more as your slave, not a slave to sin.
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Today a friend, KS, called. We may have talked a week ago, but sometimes with our busy lives, it seems like such a long time. Was so glad that she called and we got to share the things God has been doing in our lives in the season that we are in. She shared with me Psalm 139 and how God has really spoken to her through that chapter. So after our encouraging conversation, I got out my bible and read Psalm 139 yet again. Ugh… how intimately our Father loves us…

Verse 14 “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works. And that my soul knows very well.”

As I read that, I just thought of how I am fearfully and wonderfully made by my heavenly Father. He made me and I’m wonderful. His works are marvelous. We are all marvelous… doesn’t that just give you confidence in who you are in Christ. And I prayed that my soul will know this truth very well. I want to have A memorize this verse and have her grow up knowing that she should be confident in who she is for she is fearfully and wonderfully made by our Creator.

Verse 16b “And in Your book they all were written. The days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.” (NKJV)
“All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (NIV)

I again was comforted by this verse. The Lord gave me this verse shortly after P’s death, but I feel like He’s given this to me again in a different light… Before it was comforting to know that God knew P’s death was going to happen before they were to happen. It was a comfort knowing He was in control and that He ordained it before it happened. Today as I read it, it brought about a new sense of security. I don’t know what my days are to look like in the future, but even though it hasn’t come to be, it’s already written in God’s book and it’s ordained by Him… How awesome is that. Again I found comfort in knowing that each step I take after Him, He’s blessed it before it happened. So as I pray about my future and make plans and steps toward that, I know that He’s already been there… I just need to keep following.

Verses 23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.”

As I read this I thought… wow what a bold statement. But then it was also convicting. What if every day I had this attitude toward God? What if I had this relationship with Jesus?? It was quite scary at first thinking of what He would say to me about my heart and what’s actually in it… but then I thought of how if I had done this two weeks ago when A’s attitude was getting bad, would it have gone on for two weeks. I want to start praying this daily… God search me… know my heart… Try me (woah that’s hard to say….). How much deeper will my relationship be with our Lord?
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A couple weeks ago, A asked me to play the guitar for when she goes to bed. I hadn’t played in a while, sorry teacher KA, but I picked it up and played her favorite song “Mighty to Save”. Ever since then, every night I have been playing the guitar for her and playing her songs for her bed time. It’s actually really good… I get good practice along with some good worship time as she falls asleep. As I type now, my fingertips on my left hand ache, KA said that it’s a good sign if that happens. Ha ha…

Next week starts a busy week, please pray for us. Please pray for continual health and safety. Please pray for the people we meet and encounter.

Please pray for me personally as I am making some steps about our future. It’s been 5 months since I’ve been here and I’m starting to pray about next steps, what the Lord has for us. God’s been extremely good in all that He has done in our lives… Next week it will be 17 months since P’s death… those first months were literally a nightmare for me, but God is good in bringing me to a place of peace, joy, comfort, security and anticipation of what He has for me next. Hooray for God. So please continue to lift us up… that’s really what has brought us this far…

sudah pulang

** at singapore zoo**


we are home... four wonderful nights in singapore. it was great... i kept thinking of melting pot... P would describe to people here about the US being a melting pot for the world... but i think singapore is the melting pot for asia. i mean people from all over asia was living there... very multi-asian and they all spoke english in the same accent. i thought it was fun. although sometimes i felt so bad i couldn't understand them. one thing is that singapore is very expensive. it's like rodeo drive for the whole country. but it was a good change of scenery... very clean and orderly.

we got our visas so i am an official working lady here. yeah!!

thanks for your prayers in safety. we had a great time.

while we were there... i had a couple P moments...

1. i was in a store looking around and leanne rimes song "how could i" came on... and i started to cry. i didn't cry because i thought those words were true, but how at one point i did think those words were true and how i'm doing so much more than what the lyrics say.

2. we were in this mall and there was a german store. we went in and i couldn't believe it, but it was a store full of pyramids... those things you put candles on and the fan on top goes around. well P always talked about how his grandma would have that out at christmas and wondered if it was around anywhere... well i got one. actually i killed two birds with one stone, because P also always wanted a nativity scene at our house... so the pyramid is mary, jospeh and baby Jesus with the candles around it. i'm so excited to have it.

it was good to have those moments... again they are just reminders of how good our God is and also that i still remember things about him when sometimes i feel like i don't think about him much.

i think that's it... we'll probably take this weekend to recooperate and then... a full week will begin with work and school...

**congrats to BR and MR... your daughter is beautiful. told you it was a girl.**

leaving

**work (the center) costume party...**




**i dressed in a neighbor's elementary student's school uniform and A was a butterfly**

we are totally psyched to visit singapore for the first time. A is in bed after our work costume party. it was fun until a guy showed up with a scary outfit. she screamed and cried... then all night wanted to stay in a bedroom. i got her to come out some time, but she was a little freaked... now all she talks about is singapore, so that's great that he's not in her mind all this time.

please pray for our trip... safety, quick visa process and health. thank you.

blue chips...

P and i used to work at a special ed school. he worked a lot at the BD wing, the toughest part of the school. in this part of the school, they gave out blue chips for good behavior and on fridays they could "buy" things from the school store with it. so P sent me a bag full of blue chips from kansas after the first time i met his family telling me i earned it all for being great with his family. i don't know where the whole bag of chips went actually, but today as i was getting ready for singapore, i found a chip in my desk. i brought one with me, but haven't seen it in a while. today i found it again. it put a big smile on my face because i've been busy trying to get this trip together and i feel that the Lord let me find it when i needed it. i'm so excited about our trip and so is A. yes we are going for business, but while we wait two days for the paperwork to go through, we are going to hit the town.

one praise... yesterday A was playing with a kid outside. she climbed the jungle gym and was hanging... then she started to swing herself... in a few seconds she was on the ground blood coming down from her mouth. i picked her up and took her to our kitchen... got a cloth and held down on her lip... praise God that all her teeth are okay... a big lip that's purple, but she's okay. i asked her why she fell and she said she was trying to stop herself from swinging but couldn't and fell. poor girl. we put ice on it for a while and she didn't want it, so we bought a local popsicle she could lick. thank you God for keeping her safe.

we are going to singapore. woo hoo... we will leave sunday and come home thursday!!! i'm really excited. first time there!!! yeah. please pray for safe travels and safety and health while we are there. pictures to come when we get back.

sinapore here we come

today i was thinking i need to get my current visa extended because the new one was not ready yet. as i was getting ready to take my paperwork in, i just thought i shouldn't and then started worrying about my legal status here if i did not. i called TB and after talking to her i decided to text the guy running my new visa. as i waited for his response, i went to the gym. as i started on the treadmill, i got a text back from him saying i could go and pick up my visa this week. ha ha... praise God. so... singapore here we come. i'm going to have to look into things tomorrow with flights and stuff, so we'll see exactly what day i go. i'm so thankful that it's ready and i don't have to spend extra money on extending my current one!!! He is so good right? so full of such energy and excitement at how the Lord just so greatly orchestrates things in my life, i ran/walked my 5K in 35 minutes!!! ha ha... my goal for the 5K was 35 minutes, maybe i have to make another goal!!! ha ha... hey LJM, KS, BA, LC, and LI want to do it again? i think SR would definitely be interested. anyone else?

please pray for good flights and safe travels.

so far but so close

i am far away from friends and family... but God is so good. i've been feeling at peace and love how my life feels like a normal life, as it has been for a while. a day actually feels like a day and a week a week... the days of thinking when the day would end is over. i don't think too much about my situation, just live life in it because there is joy in that when i follow the Lord.

i am far away from friends and family... but they make me feel close... they call me, they send me packages, they send me mail, they skype me, they e-mail... it's great to have that. but most of all... even though i'm so far away i even get a phone call from such a dear friend telling me she got engaged. i was so excited and so honored to have gotten the phone call within a day of it happening. EP i'm so happy for you. i'll be praying as you prepare. i love you girl!!!

so even though i am far... i still feel close because people i love and that love me make it that way. praise God!!!

Jesus... we need you... they need you

my hearts been heavy for the ones who already know Christ, but live mediocre lives. i say that because i was that... i have to fight to not be that at times. sunday at church, our normal pastor didn't speak, and he shared this same heart. he said his heart was heavy all week preparing his sermon about entering the narrow gate, but he emphasized that it doesn't stop there, after you enter, you need to walk that road. it's not an easy road... we need to deny ourselves, take up His cross and follow Him. in scripture it never talks about how easy this road is going to be. then the speaker told us how he was convicted of how God will one day ask him to sell everything and leave to follow him. he asked his wife if she was willing... are we asking ourselves these questions? we are to die to our selves... are we doing that?

we need Jesus...

if we who know Jesus need Him, how much more of those around us need Him? i've never watched the movie "sixth sense", but P told me it's about ghosts walking around... and if you think... every person that does not know Christ... is a dead person. they have no life, for life comes only through Christ. so we are walking among the dead... we have life that we could give them...

they need Jesus.

if every believer were to tell one person about Christ Jesus... what would this world be like? i ask myself that question as some days go by and i haven't shared Jesus with anyone. what am i doing Lord? my life is all about you, yet so many times i let it be about me...

i need Jesus.

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please pray...

**for me and A as my schedule fills up. i'm really trying to balance being a working mom now. all of A's life, i haven't worked, barely left her... so this is hard for her to have mom busy. my life is no longer just about her. pray for me that i could be patient with her and spend good quality time with her. pray for her that she will enjoy the special times she'll have with people who have offered to take her during my work hours or at work with me, but most importantly that she'll have peace in her heart as things in her mind may be unsettling.

**we will be traveling soon to get our visas, so please pray for that process as well. safe travels and health.

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i'm realizing how much the Lord has healed me in this year and four and a half months. my friend last night was asking how i was doing with missing P... i guess everyone is thinking the same thing, so i'll explain a little.

i was surprised that for the past three months or so, the 16th has passed by and i didn't even notice. i don't wait around for that date like i used to nor do i think much about it. even if i write in my journal, it doesn't ring a bell to me like it used to. it's becoming another day for me.

i was also pretty shocked that i forgot about our engagement date. the day came and went and i didn't notice until a week later that the day had passed.

yes i miss P... there will be things that remind me of times we had. we'll pass by somewhere and i'll think about the time we had there. the great thing is that it doesn't make me sad. i just smile at what a wonderful relationship we had and praise God for His goodness in bringing us together for as long as He had planned. now it's more of a reminiscing for me rather being sad.

there are still days i get a little frustrated with God of why it had to be cut short. but then God and i end up having a heart to heart on days like that... i know that God loves me and has my best interest in mind, even when it doesn't seem like it. so then i hang in there... God's good.

so that's just a little bit of how i'm doing with the whole grieving thing. i'm really not grieving anymore. i feel like we have a swing of things now and i am confident in where the Lord has placed me. my heart desires to follow what He wants from me for each season of my life... and my life and season are here right now... praying for what's next, but enjoying this one as i wait.

shame

my daughter puts me to shame. today my helper was teaching some phrases in our local language, not the national one. anyway, she said it once, i repeated. then we had to do it again because i couldn't get it. this went on like four times during lunch. my daughter sitting in her chair listening to us go back and forth on this says the word with no accent... perfectly says the word and smiles sheepishly as my jaw drops to the ground. my helper laughs like crazy and tells A how much smarter she is than her mommy.... we are all laughing and A says it again.... it was unbelievable. so i again put my head down in shame like the guy in Napoleon Dynamite (if you've watched it, you know what i'm talking about...).

love

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: "Love your neighbor as yourself." All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. - Matthew 22:37-40

what if we lived life on these two verses? i mean would we talk, dress, behave, look at... the way we do? would we miss a chance to tell someone about Jesus? if these two commandments were on our hearts all the time, what would our life be like? i reflect on my life once again these days and again i come to realize how short i fall and praise God for Jesus my savior who fills up my shortcomings. i realize how i don't live by these commandments. daily i look to see what i have done... sometimes i'm proud of myself, others i feel i could have done more. but again, if i lived every second of my life on these verses, wouldn't my life be more different?

there are more earthquakes happening here. i praise God i was out of the city when the last one happened, although most people didn't feel it. God is doing something. one person told me it's the end of the days. i told them how they are so right and that it's signs for Jesus' return. all these earthquakes made me turn to mark 13:3-13 where it talks about the signs of the times and the end of the age. if you read verse 8 it says: "For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. And there will be earthquakes in various places, and there will be famines and troubles. These are the beginnings of sorrows." this is just the beginning. then if you go on to verse 9 it states: "But watch out for yourselves, for they will deliver you up to councils, and you will be beaten in the synagogues. You will be brought before rulers and kings for My sake, for a testimony to them."

today i was reading jude and it talked about contending for the faith... for Jesus. it talked about how deceivers are in the midst of us. then i go back to verse 10 of mark "and the gospel must first be preached to all the nations." which then takes me back to the matthew verses... if we love people as ourselves, and there are deceivers out there, and the gospel must first be preached to all the nations, and there are still so many out there that have not heard, and these earthquakes are just the beginning... what are we doing?

urgency... do you sense it? do you see the dying people around you? do you see the corpse sitting next to you? do you sense it? do you sense the spirit prompting you to say something? i do... i say yes to all these questions. i do not ask these questions because i do the right thing all the time, but because my heart aches at the lives that are doomed for hell unless we tell them about Jesus. Jesus everyone... that's the answer for all life's problems. urgency... do you sense it?

let's live with matthew 22:37-40 in hearts. what a difference that would make? if you didn't know, wouldn't you want someone to tell you? if you answered yes, then if we are supposed to love others as ourselves, shouldn't we be telling them?

please pray with me this week as i feel this urgency. i may be gone some time in an earthquake, who knows (not said with a light heart), but for this time right now that i have breathe, i want to live like i've never lived before and want others to experience it also. will you pray with and for me this week for this. i need boldness.

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please pray...

* A and i have some stomach issues. A started on friday and i started today. it's a weird thing. A has throw up and the runs... i just have the runs. Please pray for quick healing. i thought mine was done midday, but it started again. i thought A's was done yesterday, but today it started again midday. something about midday. the thing with being sick, you could really just be sick, but being here, you realize that satan wants to use whatever he can to make you not do things. so please pray that the enemy can't use this against me to not advance God's kingdom.

* we have a car with a driver. i can't drive here, hence the driver. it's been such a blessing. our friends J&K while in the states is letting us use it. please pray for continual safety in travels, in city or out of city.

* please pray for continual good sleep for both A and myself.

* please pray daily if possible for spiritual battle which comes up in all forms, sickness, tiredness, anger, laziness, the works...

* please pray for my heart as well as A's.
- A wants daddy. she misses him, but i think she also misses all the men that were in her life in the states. she loves her uncles here, but we don't get to see them often. so please ask that the Lord will fulfill those needs in her life, as He personally speaks to her and also through the men around us.
- God's been good to me and faithful in healing me through P's death. He's really grown me so much and i desire to continue my life following what He wants me to do. i feel i've come so far in this journey, but it is hard when i see my baby struggling with the fact that she doesn't have a daddy. pray that God continues to give me wisdom in that and gives me strength through those times.

kumahadamang - how are you?

*every neighborhood has a weigh in each month for kids. they give food and vitamins and stuff afterward. that's also the place for vaccines. A's getting weighed by our neighbor.**


*us*


*saturday we worked on an art project of fall*


*A's tent. she had so much fun in it.*


i'm started to learn my second language from my helper. we sit down and she tells me phrases. ha ha... i'm so bad at it. it's much tougher.

i just wanted to update, which really are praises, on what's been going on in our lives these past few days...

1. our friends J&K are in the states and their car has been available. i had no need of it til now with going to hang out at the center and having the study with the girls. plus with rainy season... it's just a blessing to have this car. thanks J&K for letting us use it. we'll take good care of it.

2. i am really enjoying my study with my friend H & C. i like that we have good fellowship and could be open and honest. thanks girls.

3. A is doing really well at school now that we are back in schedule. but her favorite days are going to the center. what's been happening is we'll eat lunch and she'll nap. i'll leave and my helper will bring her to the center and help watch her til we go home. A loves hanging out there and loves her aunts and uncles from the center.

4. a few blogs back i mentioned some things that i had been thinking about. running was one of them. today i joined the gym. i ran 3.4 miles in less about of time i ran the 5K several months ago. my friend KS said that i needed an outlet and i'm glad this is it. i really enjoyed it. i not was it a good outlet for me, but i got lots of energy from it too. it was really nice. so JM you better watch out!!! i'm hoping when i go back to the states, i could run another 5K and do much better than i did last time. anyone with me?

i think that's it.

please continue to pray for safety and health. we are doing great in both categories, but please praying.

please continue to pray for the process of the visa. we'll be leaving the country in about a month to get it. please pray for all that.

please pray for boldness. when God calls me to be bold, please pray that i will be.

thanks for your prayers and support... that's it for now.

Pleading for the souls

i just got done looking through pictures from friends who are in padang (the place where the earthquake hit). wow... a lot of destruction. honestly, i have to say that as i looked at the pictures, i thanked God that when the earthquake hit here, it wasn't that bad. but then i kept thinking of how i was effected afterward and it was such a small earthquake here (i know Jesus)... and i laid my hands on the pictures as i went through them, praying over the city through the pictures. please continue to lift them up... for those who do know the Lord to be a comfort for those around them... for those who do not know the Lord to turn to Him in such a time as this. it's a mess. yes they need physical help, but more than that they need Jesus. so please pray for them... plead for their souls... be intercessors where you are at and lift them up. the people need prayer. please pray that in this disaster people will find a Savior... the Lord Jesus Christ.

forgot

i think A forgot about her name change. no mention of it all day. so we're back to A. perfect right since that's what her name is. ha ha... i was reading online last night about child psychology and was so relieved to know that all children go through this... at least she didn't choose "blue" or "cav" like i saw online. ha ha... good to read that my child is normal.

today A had me make a tent for her and we read books in it. it was a lot of fun. then she did this thing with her feet out of nowhere and then said, "try this mom it's a new game". it was weird, but she's so much fun.

so our blog is "girls just wanna have fun". if you feel like you are not having any fun, you should come to our place in the afternoon. i feel like it's almost been routine to have a dance party. we turn on some music and dance. A loves it!! she also loves dancing after her bath and P used to call that the "dee da day dance" from the Ortberg book... i think it was. i think i spelled his name wrong too. sorry.

please pray for good sleep for me. i haven't slept well for a couple nights and am so tired. thanks.

name

tonight after A and i took a shower, we were in my room getting dressed and A says to me, "mommy, i don't like myself". i was like what??? i'm thinking you're only three, this is for later like when you're 12 or 13... so i asked her what she didn't like about herself. she says "knee"... i was like you don't like your knee and she says, "no mommy i don't like my name." i was shocked. i didn't know what to say... i of course didn't stop the conversation though and asked what she would like to be called. she gave me her middle name. she wants to called by her middle name now. i told her that was fine since that is her middle name... then she tells me, "when my friends come over tomorrow, could you tell them to call me by my middle name?" i told her that would be hard to ask of them since they already knew her as A. we were talking about this til she was in bed and still as we were doing bedtime routine. i told her that i really like her name and that daddy and i chose that name for a lot of different reasons. i told her the reasons... and in the end she said, "but i still want to be E". i didn't know what to say. i tried to joke with her about how i wanted to be called something else too, but she didn't get it. i was still to be mommy and she was going to be E. so we'll see how she is tomorrow, but as of now, my daughter has changed her name to E. just so you all know.

(i'm in disbelief that i'm going through this. if it was like a silly thing, i could take it, but that the conversation started with her not liking herself... i need to take child psychology. :) )