five years ago today i went on my first date with P. he called me the night before and asked if i had time over the weekend. i did have plans, but i worked him in and he picked me up at like 9 pm. we went to a coffee shop where we talked about our families, work, interests, and all that get to know you stuff, then he took me to this show. if i did it right the link should be on here. i think about it now and just am perplexed as to why he took me there. it's a really weird first date. my friends all agree too, but oh well... at least things turned out okay. tonight i have asked a few girlfriends to come with me to this 1st date. one friend SC couldn't make it so earlier today she brought me yellow roses with a card. it was so sweet. what she wrote in the card made me laugh too. yellow roses mean friendship and she didn't want it to mean too much on a first date. how cute. thanks SC. i love them. i'm very thankful for the friends that are willing to do things like this with me. i love you girls.
on another note, i was thinking i forgot someone when i was thanking people... and i forgot two... SR and TR. you guys are the best. i mean whatever i need whenever i need it, especially if it has to do with watching A, you both just run to my rescue. so thanks girls. i love you both.
well i have to go and get ready for my first date. :)
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
internet deprived and everything else
thanks to my wonderful neighbors W and T, i am able to temporarily borrow their internet service from my home for now. hopefully AT&T could figure out what the problem is for my internet and get me on it. i have to tell you i don't know what we all did without internet before. it makes me feel so unconnected with people.
we are all moved into our new house. we've had a few rough nights with A wanting to be in bed with me. i feel like i'm sleep training again. a few friends told me how moving out on my own would bring about some other feelings of P's absence. i totally see it. a home doesn't really feel like home without him in a sense. sometimes i just imagine what the house would be like with him here... i imagine A playing with P while i make dinner... or P putting her to bed... or P waking up with her since i was up all night sleep training. :) i've also been feeling more so in the past month how P is really not going to come back. he's gone and this is my life... A and me. i think i said this before, but in a way it's kind of freeing. i don't always have to think "what if he comes around that corner now?"
actually this past month has been packed with emotions, healing and steps toward the future... after visits with both families, a trip we had planned got postponed. which now i feel was again all in God's plans because i not only found out that my grandma was doing bad, but she passed away during the time i was supposed to be gone. and the Lord is good in providing me to go be with family and have A stay with a family we love and trust. the time at my grandma's funeral was scary, not knowing how i was going to do. i was really glad i went and though it was hard because it reminded me of so much of what i went through seven months before, i was glad to be with family and heal in ways unexplainable. all in the midst of this, i was packing and moving to our new house. we love it and praise God every night for His perfect timing and blessing of this house.
i feel like i had so much to say...
i did want to mention that i am so thankful for so many people that have been such a blessing in both A's and my life. we would not be where we are now without all of you... i can't name everyone, but i do want to name a few...
RB and TB... thanks for taking late night calls and listening to me through my struggles with God and life.
BR... thanks for your hugs. i missed them when i was away and was so glad to come back to them. thanks for always wanting to travel with us too.
MR and DR... thanks for loving on A. she loves you guys so much and you have filled her male love tank that her daddy would have filled... but you guys are doing it for him so thanks...
KS... my sweet K. thank you so much for taking care of A and loving her. teaching her the "apple red happiness" song and listening to me and encouraging me in more ways than you know.
AH... my sorority sister... uh you know how much you make me laugh and bring joy into my life.
WC and TC... thanks so much for sensing God's leading and offering us this wonderful house.
my leamington family... where would i be without you guys. thanks so much... you helped me live when i didn't really want to.
my too far away family... AB thanks for walking me through the first week and encouraging me throughout... TB... i miss you so much. P always told me to call you when i needed someone and you were and are always there, no matter where you were... KP... your songs, hugs, love and gentleness got me through the most horrific night of my life... JP thanks for reminding me of my last moments with P. i think i really would have forgotten that if you didn't remind me...
my family... on both sides of our families... thanks for praying for us and supporting us and trusting us.
A hasn't been talking about daddy much these past couple weeks and that has been kind of bothering me. i want her so much to remember her daddy. she will look at pictures of him and talk about him, but unlike before where she would bring him up and tell me she misses him, she could go a whole day without talking about him. i guess in her own little way, she is moving on too and i thank God for that, but at the same time i get scared. but today, she brought him up and i was so happy. i couldn't believe it. thank you God.
i have been missing home in indonesia for a couple weeks. i miss the people, my friends and family there and the warm weather.
the other day i was sitting on the floor helping A get dressed and i noticed she was taller than me when i was sitting. i was so sad... i couldn't believe how much she is growing... not only physically, but all around. i sometimes cry thinking how much P would enjoy watching her cook, dress up, play games, ask questions, sing "mighty to save", sits on the toilet and reads magazines, and all the other cute things she does... she was his princess...
the other day on the radio i heard the song, "who am i?" by casting crowns. i heard this songs many times before. it has struck me twice in my life. once when i was just finishing college, i went to a retreat with my church and we were singing this song... i cried. it changed me at that time. then when i was hearing it the other day, i was struck by the words once again.
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
Wow huh? exactly how i feel.
moving on with life is a pretty tough thing in any circumstance. i found myself at times letting myself give excuses for staying the way i was because i had gone through so much, but i know my God. He has been good to me all my life. i have no reason not to trust Him and follow Him... i want to be vulnerable with Him... He's my ABBA, my creator... the thing is, i know that this is all for His glory... and as much as i would love to have P back, it's not going to happen... i guess one way to put it is... i either face the facts and move on or just sulk in the "what ifs" and "what could have beens" in life... and i felt like at one point, God was asking me which i preferred... so here i am... facing the truth... my God is good, yes i did lose my husband and all i dreamed for is gone, BUT my God is good and He is hope... my Father is the giver of dreams... and if i ask, dreams will come again and hope for a future will come and has been slowly entering my heart...
i read this book called, "better than my dreams". my friend TB gave it to me when i was so disappointed about not having another baby... i read it again this past week... it is so good!!! disappointments (losses) happen, but God has things planned better than i could ever dream of. i look to that hope. God is good. He was good when He created Adam and Eve, He was good when Abraham had to sacrifice Issac, He was good when Joseph was in prison, He was good when Hannah prayed for years for a baby, He was good when He brought P into my life, He was good when A was born, He was good when we left everything to move overseas, He was good when i had to say good-bye to P, He is good now...
the day we had A, P had to run home to get some things... when he got back, he told me how on the way home, he was so happy to have our baby, but was scared thinking of taking two girls overseas. he said he was listening to praises and praying about this and God spoke to P's heart... God told P, "I'm going to take care of your girls." he had to pull over because he was so overwhelmed with how God knew exactly was in his heart and spoke to that. i thought of that like two or three weeks ago and cried. the thing is, God promised P that the day A was born and i found comfort in that, because just because P's gone it doesn't mean that God is not with us. He's still so meticulously taking care of A and me.
thank you all so much for your love, prayers and support.
this is it for now... hope my internet gets up soon!!
we are all moved into our new house. we've had a few rough nights with A wanting to be in bed with me. i feel like i'm sleep training again. a few friends told me how moving out on my own would bring about some other feelings of P's absence. i totally see it. a home doesn't really feel like home without him in a sense. sometimes i just imagine what the house would be like with him here... i imagine A playing with P while i make dinner... or P putting her to bed... or P waking up with her since i was up all night sleep training. :) i've also been feeling more so in the past month how P is really not going to come back. he's gone and this is my life... A and me. i think i said this before, but in a way it's kind of freeing. i don't always have to think "what if he comes around that corner now?"
actually this past month has been packed with emotions, healing and steps toward the future... after visits with both families, a trip we had planned got postponed. which now i feel was again all in God's plans because i not only found out that my grandma was doing bad, but she passed away during the time i was supposed to be gone. and the Lord is good in providing me to go be with family and have A stay with a family we love and trust. the time at my grandma's funeral was scary, not knowing how i was going to do. i was really glad i went and though it was hard because it reminded me of so much of what i went through seven months before, i was glad to be with family and heal in ways unexplainable. all in the midst of this, i was packing and moving to our new house. we love it and praise God every night for His perfect timing and blessing of this house.
i feel like i had so much to say...
i did want to mention that i am so thankful for so many people that have been such a blessing in both A's and my life. we would not be where we are now without all of you... i can't name everyone, but i do want to name a few...
RB and TB... thanks for taking late night calls and listening to me through my struggles with God and life.
BR... thanks for your hugs. i missed them when i was away and was so glad to come back to them. thanks for always wanting to travel with us too.
MR and DR... thanks for loving on A. she loves you guys so much and you have filled her male love tank that her daddy would have filled... but you guys are doing it for him so thanks...
KS... my sweet K. thank you so much for taking care of A and loving her. teaching her the "apple red happiness" song and listening to me and encouraging me in more ways than you know.
AH... my sorority sister... uh you know how much you make me laugh and bring joy into my life.
WC and TC... thanks so much for sensing God's leading and offering us this wonderful house.
my leamington family... where would i be without you guys. thanks so much... you helped me live when i didn't really want to.
my too far away family... AB thanks for walking me through the first week and encouraging me throughout... TB... i miss you so much. P always told me to call you when i needed someone and you were and are always there, no matter where you were... KP... your songs, hugs, love and gentleness got me through the most horrific night of my life... JP thanks for reminding me of my last moments with P. i think i really would have forgotten that if you didn't remind me...
my family... on both sides of our families... thanks for praying for us and supporting us and trusting us.
A hasn't been talking about daddy much these past couple weeks and that has been kind of bothering me. i want her so much to remember her daddy. she will look at pictures of him and talk about him, but unlike before where she would bring him up and tell me she misses him, she could go a whole day without talking about him. i guess in her own little way, she is moving on too and i thank God for that, but at the same time i get scared. but today, she brought him up and i was so happy. i couldn't believe it. thank you God.
i have been missing home in indonesia for a couple weeks. i miss the people, my friends and family there and the warm weather.
the other day i was sitting on the floor helping A get dressed and i noticed she was taller than me when i was sitting. i was so sad... i couldn't believe how much she is growing... not only physically, but all around. i sometimes cry thinking how much P would enjoy watching her cook, dress up, play games, ask questions, sing "mighty to save", sits on the toilet and reads magazines, and all the other cute things she does... she was his princess...
the other day on the radio i heard the song, "who am i?" by casting crowns. i heard this songs many times before. it has struck me twice in my life. once when i was just finishing college, i went to a retreat with my church and we were singing this song... i cried. it changed me at that time. then when i was hearing it the other day, i was struck by the words once again.
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
Wow huh? exactly how i feel.
moving on with life is a pretty tough thing in any circumstance. i found myself at times letting myself give excuses for staying the way i was because i had gone through so much, but i know my God. He has been good to me all my life. i have no reason not to trust Him and follow Him... i want to be vulnerable with Him... He's my ABBA, my creator... the thing is, i know that this is all for His glory... and as much as i would love to have P back, it's not going to happen... i guess one way to put it is... i either face the facts and move on or just sulk in the "what ifs" and "what could have beens" in life... and i felt like at one point, God was asking me which i preferred... so here i am... facing the truth... my God is good, yes i did lose my husband and all i dreamed for is gone, BUT my God is good and He is hope... my Father is the giver of dreams... and if i ask, dreams will come again and hope for a future will come and has been slowly entering my heart...
i read this book called, "better than my dreams". my friend TB gave it to me when i was so disappointed about not having another baby... i read it again this past week... it is so good!!! disappointments (losses) happen, but God has things planned better than i could ever dream of. i look to that hope. God is good. He was good when He created Adam and Eve, He was good when Abraham had to sacrifice Issac, He was good when Joseph was in prison, He was good when Hannah prayed for years for a baby, He was good when He brought P into my life, He was good when A was born, He was good when we left everything to move overseas, He was good when i had to say good-bye to P, He is good now...
the day we had A, P had to run home to get some things... when he got back, he told me how on the way home, he was so happy to have our baby, but was scared thinking of taking two girls overseas. he said he was listening to praises and praying about this and God spoke to P's heart... God told P, "I'm going to take care of your girls." he had to pull over because he was so overwhelmed with how God knew exactly was in his heart and spoke to that. i thought of that like two or three weeks ago and cried. the thing is, God promised P that the day A was born and i found comfort in that, because just because P's gone it doesn't mean that God is not with us. He's still so meticulously taking care of A and me.
thank you all so much for your love, prayers and support.
this is it for now... hope my internet gets up soon!!
Monday, January 19, 2009
good bye leamington
i sit here on my red chair at my leamington house, blogging from this home probably for the last time. L and G have been such good "parents" for me in this season in my life... how do i even begin to thank them for their love and support... i do want to say that i love you guys and will always my days at leamington.
so i'm all ready to finally say i am all moved out and all moved in once today is over.
memories i have here at this house...
1. block party
2. R and L's incredible cooking (picture of one of L's wonderful meals)
3. tasty foods... goldfish
4. inheritance - red footies
5. olympics opening ceremony party
6. birthday breakfasts
7. family
8. G's birthday!!!
9. christmas traditions - advent house for A, the whole day... foods
10. flowers on the 16th
and much much more...
this family helped me through the toughest time of my life and i know it was totally a God thing. such a blessing in my life!!! thanks guys!!!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
celebration
thanks to all of you who have been praying for me and my family and especially my grandmother. she is now with the lord and hopefully giving P a big hug. i'm still not sure how to feel, but... please keep praying.
Friday, January 9, 2009
may be tonight
just came home after having dinner with my parents and sister. my grandma was taken to the hospital a few days back... very lethargic and not eating. after a few tests, they found a tumor in her lung and due to continued infections, they didn't think she would make it a week or two. a few hours ago, my uncle called telling us the doctors thought she might not make it through the night. my parents are on a flight to return early tomorrow morning. i'm still not sure how i feel about all this. i really prayed that it would be quick for her sake and i feel the Lord may be listening to that, but the emotional part... i'm not sure... am i ready for another death?
please pray for all this. pray that my family will be at peace with God's timing in this. pray for my uncles who do not know the Lord, pray that my grandma's years of prayers will be answered by them coming to faith. pray for necessary travels with family members.
please pray for all this. pray that my family will be at peace with God's timing in this. pray for my uncles who do not know the Lord, pray that my grandma's years of prayers will be answered by them coming to faith. pray for necessary travels with family members.
last days
i just got a call from my mom that my last living grandparent (my dad's mom) has a week or two left to live. she's like 96 and i don't know what to feel. the first thing i thought of was, P has someone else he has coming. i know he'll receive her with open arms. i thought they could finally communicate... she only speaks korean. i then prayed that it won't take long. i just can't tolerate pain, on me or on anyone else... i was just wondering this week what do you say to someone who hears that news or to anyone in the family... but then now it's my turn.
my grandma is the cutest grandma and the last time i saw her, she had her hands on both P and me praying for us before we left for indonesia. she helped raise me while my parents worked. she would knit a lot i remember. we used to sing. i spent a lot of my young years in my grandparents' apartment. my grandpa is going to be so excited to see her. they were so cute... always walking anywhere holding hands. she's barely 5 feet and he was like 5'10. maybe they will do that in heaven too... walk hand in hand.
i don't know if i'll be brave enough to go to the funeral. someone so close... i know it's a little expected since she is older and it's nothing like P's, but still... i don't know if i'll be brave enough. i'm not sure i'm ready to send another close person... even though she lives in another state... i feel like we had a special connection because she was such a part of my life when i was young. again as much as i'm not ready for someone else to go... i hope it's fast and not painful for her...
Thursday, January 8, 2009
mama mia
i'm not trying to promote a movie. i happen to watch this movie (at least a part of it) on the plane when i was coming back to the states from indonesia. i really enjoyed. i bought it and watched it a few times since then. tonight as i packed i watched it and watch the last part in bed as i was winding down. i cried my eyes out watching it. without giving the movie away... the movie is about a girl getting married and doesn't know who her father is. anyway... as i watched her looking for her father and then wanting her father to walk her down the aisle... i just sobbed. it's a musical so there is a lot singing... two parts made me cry really hard... one was when the mom is getting her ready for the wedding and she sings this song about her little girl growing up... i just thought, one day that maybe me... the other part was when ... wait i will give the movie away if i say that part... but i cried during the wedding. anyway... i just think about what kind of mother i am going to be in the years to come... and then pray that the Lord will walk me through every step of A's milestones as she walks through them too.
i know i mentioned in one of my earlier blogs about the gilmore girls... again not promoting any movie or show, but i have to say i do like the relationships the mothers have with their daughters... i pray that in a godly way i may have that kind of relationship with my little girl.
i'm learning more and more each day what we are meaning for each other... i dread the day she grows up and i have to let go... as much as i am trying to be there for her, she has been a pillar for me through this time of my life. God knew i couldn't do this alone... so He prepared her for me... to be my team (as P called the three of us). praying that as much as we depend on each other, we'd both learn to depend on the Lord more and more each day of our lives.
today was a pretty hard day... missing P... running errands... missing home (both indonesia and the home we had together... "home is where you are" is what we used to say to each other...)...
i know i mentioned in one of my earlier blogs about the gilmore girls... again not promoting any movie or show, but i have to say i do like the relationships the mothers have with their daughters... i pray that in a godly way i may have that kind of relationship with my little girl.
i'm learning more and more each day what we are meaning for each other... i dread the day she grows up and i have to let go... as much as i am trying to be there for her, she has been a pillar for me through this time of my life. God knew i couldn't do this alone... so He prepared her for me... to be my team (as P called the three of us). praying that as much as we depend on each other, we'd both learn to depend on the Lord more and more each day of our lives.
today was a pretty hard day... missing P... running errands... missing home (both indonesia and the home we had together... "home is where you are" is what we used to say to each other...)...
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Stories
i am tired. traveling is tiring and this past week was emotionally, mentally and physically tiring. being with both families was great, but it was hard having P not there with us. i thought of it the whole time and i know family did too... but trying to make the best of it in the midst of it is hard. it is also very different...
my trip for tomorrow got postponed. praise the Lord really because i am just tired and with moving coming up, i just think it will be more relaxing.
A is so excited to go to our new house. her grandparents got her a play kitchen set for christmas and that's been what she is looking forward to in our move.
A is really enjoying stories... so she says... mommy... tell me a story about daddy. i'll tell her one or two and she always wants more.
tonight i went out with some friends and it was so much fun. we talked about our kids and husbands... and on the way home i thought of something that made me really sad. people are all going to have new stories and i'm going to have the same stories of my husband for years to come. i wondered on my drive home if at any point some people would get tired of my P stories of when we were together, since there will be no development on that one. i also wondered how hard it would be one day when everyone's lives seem to be moving on... people having more kids, anniversaries, funny things that happens to couples, vacations (as families or couples) ... all those things that make more stories, but my stories (at least the one about my husband) will always be the same. i'll have plenty of A stories... but i miss having funny moments with P or doing stupid things with him that we end up laughing about for days... those stories won't be there any more. same with A... she'll have plenty of stories of her daddy, from me and others, but it'll be the same ones over again...
stories are so good because we could remember people by them... it's also sad if there is no more to tell.
these past few days i have been missing him a lot.
tonight as i parked and walked up to the house, i thought how great it would be if he was sitting on the steps waiting for me as we had done before. i thought how wonderful it feels to have someone waiting for you... stinks that he wasn't, even though i knew he wasn't going to be there... you get disappointed anyway.
almost seven months... wow... time is going and june 2008 just seems so far behind me.... wondering if it was really just six and a half months or was it that many amount of years... you wake up one day and a day actually starts to feel like a day and not a year anymore... some day i know a day will feel like it has gone by too quickly. i guess that's when i will tell my new stories and not be so sad that all i have are repeats. (i mean seriously who wants to hear the same story over and over and over again)
**talking about stories... i know i've asked this before, but if you have a story of you and phil (funny, sad, spiritual, whatever) please send it with a picture of you and phil or just of you. this is for a book for A. thanks.**
my trip for tomorrow got postponed. praise the Lord really because i am just tired and with moving coming up, i just think it will be more relaxing.
A is so excited to go to our new house. her grandparents got her a play kitchen set for christmas and that's been what she is looking forward to in our move.
A is really enjoying stories... so she says... mommy... tell me a story about daddy. i'll tell her one or two and she always wants more.
tonight i went out with some friends and it was so much fun. we talked about our kids and husbands... and on the way home i thought of something that made me really sad. people are all going to have new stories and i'm going to have the same stories of my husband for years to come. i wondered on my drive home if at any point some people would get tired of my P stories of when we were together, since there will be no development on that one. i also wondered how hard it would be one day when everyone's lives seem to be moving on... people having more kids, anniversaries, funny things that happens to couples, vacations (as families or couples) ... all those things that make more stories, but my stories (at least the one about my husband) will always be the same. i'll have plenty of A stories... but i miss having funny moments with P or doing stupid things with him that we end up laughing about for days... those stories won't be there any more. same with A... she'll have plenty of stories of her daddy, from me and others, but it'll be the same ones over again...
stories are so good because we could remember people by them... it's also sad if there is no more to tell.
these past few days i have been missing him a lot.
tonight as i parked and walked up to the house, i thought how great it would be if he was sitting on the steps waiting for me as we had done before. i thought how wonderful it feels to have someone waiting for you... stinks that he wasn't, even though i knew he wasn't going to be there... you get disappointed anyway.
almost seven months... wow... time is going and june 2008 just seems so far behind me.... wondering if it was really just six and a half months or was it that many amount of years... you wake up one day and a day actually starts to feel like a day and not a year anymore... some day i know a day will feel like it has gone by too quickly. i guess that's when i will tell my new stories and not be so sad that all i have are repeats. (i mean seriously who wants to hear the same story over and over and over again)
**talking about stories... i know i've asked this before, but if you have a story of you and phil (funny, sad, spiritual, whatever) please send it with a picture of you and phil or just of you. this is for a book for A. thanks.**
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