thanks to my wonderful neighbors W and T, i am able to temporarily borrow their internet service from my home for now. hopefully AT&T could figure out what the problem is for my internet and get me on it. i have to tell you i don't know what we all did without internet before. it makes me feel so unconnected with people.
we are all moved into our new house. we've had a few rough nights with A wanting to be in bed with me. i feel like i'm sleep training again. a few friends told me how moving out on my own would bring about some other feelings of P's absence. i totally see it. a home doesn't really feel like home without him in a sense. sometimes i just imagine what the house would be like with him here... i imagine A playing with P while i make dinner... or P putting her to bed... or P waking up with her since i was up all night sleep training. :) i've also been feeling more so in the past month how P is really not going to come back. he's gone and this is my life... A and me. i think i said this before, but in a way it's kind of freeing. i don't always have to think "what if he comes around that corner now?"
actually this past month has been packed with emotions, healing and steps toward the future... after visits with both families, a trip we had planned got postponed. which now i feel was again all in God's plans because i not only found out that my grandma was doing bad, but she passed away during the time i was supposed to be gone. and the Lord is good in providing me to go be with family and have A stay with a family we love and trust. the time at my grandma's funeral was scary, not knowing how i was going to do. i was really glad i went and though it was hard because it reminded me of so much of what i went through seven months before, i was glad to be with family and heal in ways unexplainable. all in the midst of this, i was packing and moving to our new house. we love it and praise God every night for His perfect timing and blessing of this house.
i feel like i had so much to say...
i did want to mention that i am so thankful for so many people that have been such a blessing in both A's and my life. we would not be where we are now without all of you... i can't name everyone, but i do want to name a few...
RB and TB... thanks for taking late night calls and listening to me through my struggles with God and life.
BR... thanks for your hugs. i missed them when i was away and was so glad to come back to them. thanks for always wanting to travel with us too.
MR and DR... thanks for loving on A. she loves you guys so much and you have filled her male love tank that her daddy would have filled... but you guys are doing it for him so thanks...
KS... my sweet K. thank you so much for taking care of A and loving her. teaching her the "apple red happiness" song and listening to me and encouraging me in more ways than you know.
AH... my sorority sister... uh you know how much you make me laugh and bring joy into my life.
WC and TC... thanks so much for sensing God's leading and offering us this wonderful house.
my leamington family... where would i be without you guys. thanks so much... you helped me live when i didn't really want to.
my too far away family... AB thanks for walking me through the first week and encouraging me throughout... TB... i miss you so much. P always told me to call you when i needed someone and you were and are always there, no matter where you were... KP... your songs, hugs, love and gentleness got me through the most horrific night of my life... JP thanks for reminding me of my last moments with P. i think i really would have forgotten that if you didn't remind me...
my family... on both sides of our families... thanks for praying for us and supporting us and trusting us.
A hasn't been talking about daddy much these past couple weeks and that has been kind of bothering me. i want her so much to remember her daddy. she will look at pictures of him and talk about him, but unlike before where she would bring him up and tell me she misses him, she could go a whole day without talking about him. i guess in her own little way, she is moving on too and i thank God for that, but at the same time i get scared. but today, she brought him up and i was so happy. i couldn't believe it. thank you God.
i have been missing home in indonesia for a couple weeks. i miss the people, my friends and family there and the warm weather.
the other day i was sitting on the floor helping A get dressed and i noticed she was taller than me when i was sitting. i was so sad... i couldn't believe how much she is growing... not only physically, but all around. i sometimes cry thinking how much P would enjoy watching her cook, dress up, play games, ask questions, sing "mighty to save", sits on the toilet and reads magazines, and all the other cute things she does... she was his princess...
the other day on the radio i heard the song, "who am i?" by casting crowns. i heard this songs many times before. it has struck me twice in my life. once when i was just finishing college, i went to a retreat with my church and we were singing this song... i cried. it changed me at that time. then when i was hearing it the other day, i was struck by the words once again.
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
Wow huh? exactly how i feel.
moving on with life is a pretty tough thing in any circumstance. i found myself at times letting myself give excuses for staying the way i was because i had gone through so much, but i know my God. He has been good to me all my life. i have no reason not to trust Him and follow Him... i want to be vulnerable with Him... He's my ABBA, my creator... the thing is, i know that this is all for His glory... and as much as i would love to have P back, it's not going to happen... i guess one way to put it is... i either face the facts and move on or just sulk in the "what ifs" and "what could have beens" in life... and i felt like at one point, God was asking me which i preferred... so here i am... facing the truth... my God is good, yes i did lose my husband and all i dreamed for is gone, BUT my God is good and He is hope... my Father is the giver of dreams... and if i ask, dreams will come again and hope for a future will come and has been slowly entering my heart...
i read this book called, "better than my dreams". my friend TB gave it to me when i was so disappointed about not having another baby... i read it again this past week... it is so good!!! disappointments (losses) happen, but God has things planned better than i could ever dream of. i look to that hope. God is good. He was good when He created Adam and Eve, He was good when Abraham had to sacrifice Issac, He was good when Joseph was in prison, He was good when Hannah prayed for years for a baby, He was good when He brought P into my life, He was good when A was born, He was good when we left everything to move overseas, He was good when i had to say good-bye to P, He is good now...
the day we had A, P had to run home to get some things... when he got back, he told me how on the way home, he was so happy to have our baby, but was scared thinking of taking two girls overseas. he said he was listening to praises and praying about this and God spoke to P's heart... God told P, "I'm going to take care of your girls." he had to pull over because he was so overwhelmed with how God knew exactly was in his heart and spoke to that. i thought of that like two or three weeks ago and cried. the thing is, God promised P that the day A was born and i found comfort in that, because just because P's gone it doesn't mean that God is not with us. He's still so meticulously taking care of A and me.
thank you all so much for your love, prayers and support.
this is it for now... hope my internet gets up soon!!
