i was in young writers when i was in elementary school. i loved writing and if you go to my grammar school, the book i wrote in like 4th grade is still on display in the school library. in saying that, i was re-reading some of my entries and thought about what an amateur i am. but thank you for reading all my thoughts and praying for me.
today i was at church. our church is currently doing a wonderful series and today's focus in the series was story. what story do we have? how do we tell people our stories? and the service ended with a song that brought me to tears. i cry a lot during church lately and some may think it's because i miss P or because i am thinking about him, which is actually only a small percent of the time. most of the tears is due to how true the message and praises are. i don't know how many of you realize how much truth we sing in church and how the truth our pastors speak should be life changing. anyway, i was singing the last song with everyone and wished that song could be my song... i mean like people could see that song in my life. here's the song...
Befriended, befriended by the King above all Kings
Surrendered, surrendered to a friend above all friends
Invited, invited deep into this mystery
Delighted, delighted by the wonders I have seen
This will be my story
This will be my song
You'll always be my savior.
Jesus You will always have my heart
Astounded, astounded that Your gospel bekoned me
Surroundered, surroundered but I've never been so free
Determined, determined now to live this life for You
Your'e so worthy my greatest gift would be the least You're due
This will be my story
This will be my song
You'll always be my Savior.
Jesus You will always have my heart
it is an absolute truth of how the Lord is in my life and i from the bottom of my heart today i sang the chorus... i want Him to always be my Savior and be able to say, "Yes Lord, you will always have my heart." -even in times like this.
then at Encounter, our evening church, we sang so many words of truth. and one of it was "Better than Life". and it was such a good ending to such a wonderful message. i really enjoy TRUTH lately. it's carrying me through this time of struggle.
tonight i thought of jacob in the Bible and how he wrestled with the Lord because he wanted to be blessed. it first says he wrestled a man, but then it says later that he calls the place, "Peniel" saying he saw God face to face (Genesis 32:22-32). i want an encounter like that with God. i want to wrestle with Him on this issue, this event of my life. i want to ask Him questions, that eventhough i know the answers, i want to hear it from Him. i want to have an encounter with God, and like i said, that eventhough i know what the answer is, that with this situation, with this pain in my life, i want Him to come to me and say to me, "E I love you!!!" the thing is, like i have stated before, i know He loves me... i know that He is hurting because i am hurting... but in my humanness... i feel pain and hurt and loneliness and abandonment... and the thing is the only one that could take away and fill those feelings is God... and slowly but surely i know He will heal it and fill it with Him... but why is it taking so long? my pain is still so raw... it seems like anyone who tries to come and clean the wound for me, even God, i just scream, like a little kid would, not wanting anyone to touch it right now... it just hurts so much.
please pray for me as i have already been having wrestling encounters with God. i don't think it's just going to take one, like it did with jacob... i think it will be a process in this chapter of my life... but i just pray that it will be an absolutely amazing one... if you read that part of the chapter about jacob, it talks about how jacob didn't let God go unless he blessed Him, it seems like he hung on for dear life because he was wounded from the wrestling match... i don't want to let God go in this struggle in my life... i want to hang on and ask him to bless me and give me peace and understanding of His plan in my life.
i wish i had eloquent words for everyone to read, but this is all i have. thank you for your prayers and encouragement.
