i was talking to a friend a few nights ago and she was talking about how someone you lived without for more years of your life could all of a sudden mean so much... more than all those years put together. i've been thinking about that... how P and i really only knew each other 5 years, married 3 years and almost four months out of those 5 years... and why does that defeat the 24 years of my life before we were married? i don't know, but it's true... even though the years without him are 8 times more... that seems to fall short compared to the years i had with him.
i miss him... i miss him a lot. i was just e-mailing a friend about how he and i would have so much fun together. life was fun with him... but... now it's so different. i laugh, but it's not me laughing... i have fun, but it's really not me having fun either. where is the whole me? i know i have expressed this before, but the whole is gone...
i think of how kids sing the santa song about being naughty or nice and according to that santa will bring something. i've been feeling a little like that. if i keep going and do a good job, P will come back... the thing is i know it's not true... but my hearts longs for that... that if i could just do something to bring him back, i'd do anything... endure anything. if i could just endure this, then P will come back and hold me and tell me i did a good job.
our pastor at church did a series on Romans 8,9, and 10 a couple months ago... i went and re-read those chapters. how rich it was. couple verses stuck out to me and i just want to jot them down...
* Romans 8:18 - I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
*8:28 - and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.
these verses are my prayer... as painful as it is that through this His glory will be revealed and that i could see good in this (sometimes it's hard) and that i could again see what my calling is in this world.
i am a whole turned half and so wanting to be whole again. i long for the day i could laugh again and have fun again. i long for the day where life will be joyful and i can basically feel.
