today marks the third month. wow... three months. can't believe it's only been three months. how come though does it feel like it's been so long ago? was thinking about some things this morning and found myself in tears... miss him so much. sometimes i just think, "where is he?" sometimes i wonder what he's doing. sometimes i wonder what we would be doing if he was here.
i have no idea what this means, but i wasn't able to say the words dead, death, died, dying... for a while... it seems that i've come to a point where i say it, but wonder if it means anything to me at this point. do i say it just because it's true and i have to admit it? do i really believe it? it's hard i have to say that not only is P gone, but our dreams, future, promises, plans, everything that was P and E is gone. i feel it more and more everyday that it's not just him who is gone. i realize that half of me, sometimes even more than half of me is missing and i just have to make myself whole again... oh Lord how do i do that? does it even happen? did i just loose that half and it's forever gone? how do i make myself whole again when the one that made me whole is not here? all these questions rise as i sit here and think "it's not a dream. it's still happening."
A has been asking great questions and missing him so much in her own little way. she says she wants to go to heaven to play with toys with daddy. she says she wants to hold him and kiss him. yesterday after getting her ears pierced she said she wanted to show her daddy. and as hard as it is for me, i thank God from the bottom of my heart that she is longing for him like that. what a daddy huh to make a 2 1/2 year old, that most people think would know nothing, miss him so much? i think my little girl is awesome and pray that she will always remember her daddy like she does now.
so three months... i was remembering after P and i have been dating for three months, he gave me three little gifts and one of them was a jar of quarters. i was collecting at that time quarters from the different states, so he had been saving them for me to go through to see if i could find one i did not have. in the card that came with the gifts he mentioned three months being a "quarter" of a year and how he couldn't wait to see how many "quarters" God would have us together. around 18 quarters we spent together...
my first quarter without him was... i don't even know what word to put... terrible? crushing? horrible? lifeless? scary? empty? i don't even know ... but it was and i dread the next quarters, but pray that however many quarters it takes, in the end i will come out saying, "BLESSED BE YOUR NAME Lord you are good".
thanks to many of you who are praying for A and i. i recently saw on the korean news of an entertainer who died. i saw how the wife is now in the mental health ward of a hospital due to the trauma of her husband's death. i was so glad that i have Jesus to hold me through this. i think of all the prayers that are carrying us through this. i thought how sad it was for that woman that she didn't have Jesus through her pain. then i thought of many people in this world that do not know Jesus and do not have a relationship with Him and think what will they do when someone close to them dies or tragedy hits or if they die themselves... do they know for sure that they will go to heaven?
A and i will forever be in the Lord's hands. please pray that through all this, we will come out saying how good our God is.
