a few months back, the R's asked us to go to disney world with them. i wasn't quite sure at the time if i wanted to go because it was so close to P's birthday and the marking of 6 months since his death. but in the end i agreed to go. the awesome thing is how people have been such a blessing to me and A. the R's invited us to go and gave us free lodging with them and when a few families heard at church that we were going, they got together and bought us the ticket to go to disney for a Christmas present. the night i received my gift, i cried... how great it is to have such caring extended family.
disney world was like a dream. castles and princesses... fun... the first day was hard. P and i had been there together with A after we had A. we didn't go into the parks, but rode the monorail and visited a few shops then went to downtown disney. as i went to the park the first day, my heart was heavy with memories. i couldn't believe that i was doing something so exciting without him. my heart ached for him...
we had five wonderful days there with the R's and now we are back to reality... where life is still going...
last night i was journaling about how six months ago today i heard and saw P for the last time here on earth. as i journaled, my scab on my wound of my heart came off and started to bleed again. today when i got home LJM (grandma L) gave me a bouquet of flowers to commemorate today. she had evergreen around tulips and it was so beautiful and smelled so nice. as she gave it to me, she told me that the evergreen signified winter, but the tulips were for spring... and how true that is. just as my scab came off... i know that tomorrow the scab will start coming back. after a while... the scab will become a scar that won't bleed again, but let me remember what happened.
i'm reading a book called "a grace disguised". this is a book i started maybe a month after P's death and couldn't read passed the first chapter. a few times i opened and closed that book, but now i'm on chapter 10 and i can't flip a page without a tissue and pen at hand. all the author talks about is exactly what i feel. i love the book and can't wait to finish it. some people tell me that later i have to write a book, but i don't think i need to with this book already out there.
so today marks six months... i wondered how it was going to be like after six months when it was two months... i can't believe it's here... not because it was so fast, but that it is here... my life turned upside down and backwards and is turning back to normal, but some times... it just flips over again.
i was thinking of P during this trip. i thought of how he would have loved the trip. how much fun we would have had as a family, but then i thought of how glad he would be that we went. that even though he wasn't here, how he really would have wanted us to have so much fun. that's what we were... three very fun people... i thought of all the reasons he told me he loved me... and i thought of this time, i was working at my school and they told me i was rift. i didn't know what to do, but trusted that the Lord had something for me and went looking for jobs, went on interviews and just let God take care of it for me through prayer. this was way before he said, "i love you" for the first time, but i knew that this was one of the reasons why he loved me. anyway... i tell this story because i think of P and how he loved me for trusting in God through a time when i didn't know what was ahead of me... changing jobs at that time meant a lot to me... starting over, meeting new people, not seeing P as much since we worked at the same school... and more... but he saw that i trusted God's provision for my next steps. i think of how he would love me even more now... how if he was here he would tell me the way i'm handling this is making him fall more in love with me... i think of how he would not only be proud of me, but that he would tell me that's why he loved me in the first place. how i miss him telling me all the reasons he loves me and how i wish i could tell him the reasons i love him.
on one of the rides at disney i thought of his feet... i don't know why, but i did and kind of laughed at myself. oh how i do miss him...
he always made me feel special... a lot of people tell me that he made them feel special... so that's just P, but the way he loved me was not like any old husband... i remember a friend telling me after his death that P put men to shame and told me the time we were saying good-bye to people at church and during one of the prayers, P put his arms around me and whispered a prayer into my ear and this friend said, "why does he do that?" :) i remember that... i remember crying that day because his prayer was so sweet.
i used to have a xanga page where i would brag about my husband. i would always write the great things he did for me...
i miss him...
all this to say, disney was great.... its slogan is, "a place where dreams come true"... part true i guess since i didn't have to really think about things while i was there, but not so true because all my dreams didn't come true.
vacation is a true reality to single parenting.
