last year our christmas was with P's parents, which was a treat then, but now thinking how the Lord just made it that way, knowing that it was our last christmas with him...
last year... no... this is just P, but sometimes he gets into investigating things... he'll have a topic or idea and want to learn more about it. he'll spend hours looking things up, reading and asking questions that i have no answer to... so last year was the meaning of christmas and where did it come from. i have files on the computer about it. i haven't read through every article, but christmas was actually a very secular event which had nothing to do with Jesus' birth. P even brought up the notion of not celebrating christmas because of the origins and what it has become. it's funny because i liked the idea, not wanting to stress about gifts and stuff, exactly what P was talking about, but i couldn't imagine not celebrating christmas... ha ha...
last year we had over 130 neighbors come to our house for a christmas party. our community leader gave us permission to have this party saying, "you guys respect our religion, so it is our job to respect yours" (something along those lines). so 130 neighbors came to celebrate christmas. it is one of P's and my joy to have people over and serve. P shared about why our family celebrated christmas... he did such a good job.
last year was our last christmas together... if i knew, i think i would have gotten him a better gift... :) but for under $10, i did get him something he really wanted. a shirt with indonesian on it... he wore it all the time.
last year P led our family's tradition of christmas for the last time. he would read luke 2 and we would sing "silent night, holy night" in all our languages... english, korean, german, and indonesian. he was always so proud of my korean... i spoke 3 languages fluently and he only had 2... we would joke about that...
last year... last year is over... and here i am faced with a new christmas and it's without him... we didn't get to decorate our house with our santa hats on... we didn't get to go shopping for each other... he won't wake me up at midnight to open just one of the presents under the tree... we won't dance our christmas dance by the christmas tree... i won't be running around the house finding note after note to find my present... we won't be having our traditional steak dinner... we won't be pouring out little gifts from our stockings... no matter what christmas meant to me last year, or the years before... it's definitely not going to be the same this year nor the next...
this year i did not decorate until two days ago... this year i didn't get a tree... this year i avoided thinking too much of the holidays... but really there is only a week left... it's coming fast... this year i am trying to teach A that we are celebrating Jesus' birth. last year P and i talked about how A would be on stage at church saying her little part with auntie C, but this year i have to watch her on my own... we've practiced it for weeks and she could say it so well... and i just think how proud he would be of her... going on stage and saying her little part, "the star shone bright for wisemen that night". - i'm bribing her with a lollipop to say it on stage on sunday, so we'll see how she does.
this year is just going to be different... a little empty... a little sad... a little bit maddening... actually a lot of all those... it's going to be hard...
this year... i'll do lots of remembering... P always wanted things to be so special... making me feel like i was the only one that existed on the planet at that time... so here i go into a holiday full of joy and cheer, but also full of saddness and pain, wishing it was not this way, but accepting my path at the same time...
i don't want to put a damper in this holiday season... as much as i miss P and as much as i feel his emptiness... all at the same time i have a sense of hope and promise for the future that the Lord has in store for me... so... i just want to say that i wish everyone a very merry christmas and a blessed new year. may the Lord bless you and keep you!!!
please pray for P's bro MP and his family that will be traveling this weekend to spend time with A and me. please pray for a good time..
again thank you all for your love and encouragement and especially your prayers. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
