this is a question that was in my mind a lot these past few days with thanksgiving and vacation with A. where is my family? i left my family to marry P and make my own family... that was my family for three years plus... where did it go? my family and P's family are definitely family... but my family... my immediate family? where is that? A and i are here...
don't get me wrong. we had a fabulous time this weekend. A and i went ice-skating, shopped, rode a carriage, ate good food, and all these fun things, but i thought of how it would have been if he was here. how my back wouldn't be so aching from crouching and bending in weird ways while A was skating... how she would have rode on his shoulders to see the "bucket drummers" in front of macy's... how i wished to have a man to shop for this time of year... how things would just be different. i don't feel as sad as i used to, but i did find myself in tears thinking about the "what ifs" that still exist in my life. i'm not tricked into thinking that just because i finally realized he's not coming back that everything is going to get better. i knew these hard days would come... even though with all my heart i wish they would not come. how i wish for us to be family again during this "family oriented season". how it's so hard to put a smile for A and still hurt inside, but all at the same time know that there is a great future for me that my loving ABBA has set out for me. it would be easier if i could feel all those, one at a time instead of all at once. how my heart wouldn't be so jumbled up and confused. i miss him.
but i am still so very thankful for the family i have now... how i love coming home after a weekend away to a house so beautifully decorated with wide open loving arms to hold me knowing that even though i had fun, it was hard. thanks...
i am also still very hopeful of my future that God promises me in Psalm 37:37b and thankful that there is such a promise.
i am still hurting... i am still learning... i am still hoping... i am still longing... i am still missing... i am still obeying...
please pray for me for the next month or so as the holiday season gets more intense. it's hard to be with family and not have one. it's hard to be me, but still sometimes feel identityless. it's hard to be alone when you're not. it's hard to see people in love when i'm not and then longing for it. it's hard... period.
BUT
i will be still and know He is God.
