I have had a terrible week.
I don't want to go into detail, but not a day went by without crying, not a day went by without having some kind of emotion toward P and God, not a day went by without missing him, not a day went by without wishing it was just a bad dream...
Last night and today was the worst. I thought of how if we obeyed God, why instead of rewarding us this would happen and why did P get the better end of the deal? I prayed these thoughts would not last long... some say it's normal, but how the enemy could use that for whatever he wants...scary. I know I have to go through this stage, but at the same time don't want to fall in his trap... but I’m still so mad and frustrated and feel that life just sucks.
A couple weeks before P died, I was going through some hard times, and I told him that I couldn’t sing “God is so good” to A because I was so angry at Him. Last night as I was singing that song to A I had a similar feeling that didn’t last long because I remembered what P said that day I was angry at God… P said, you have to keep singing it… no matter what keep singing it because it’s true even though you don’t feel it now. So last night in tears I put my baby to sleep thinking of how He is good and how P wanted me to keep singing it in times like these.
The first few weeks after his death, I started to look for a letter that I knew P started to write in case something happened to him. I remembered it and couldn’t find it.
Today I found what I tried to look for the week he passed. The letter that he wrote me. I looked so hard for it the first weeks... I have no idea how I passed it up. But today for some reason I went into his file folder in the computer for the first time since I got here and found it... titled, "final will". I opened it thinking it was a friends’. I opened it and started to shake... I couldn't believe it. It had what he wanted his service to look like... it had what he wanted me to keep for A and myself... it had what songs to play at the funeral... (I didn't play one of the two songs he wanted... oops), but the rest was to the T of what he wanted. Then there was the letter... I cried... I cried so hard... the line that stuck out like a sore thumb... he told me not to give up on God's faithfulness... not even for a second and how if I was reading the letter it's because God had some other plan. Everything in God’s perfect timing. Why in the first week when I was looking for it did I not find it... then when I started asking questions about God I find the letter and he tells me to hang on...??? I hate him a lot right now... okay not really, but kind of. I don't know why he wrote all those details... or why he decided to write all that in January of this year... I don't know… even though we talked about it I never wrote one... but I found it... I guess in perfect timing... in perfect faithfulness... as we always talked about in Isaiah 25 verse 1.
It’s still hard, but I feel at peace after reading that letter though it was sad and shocking. I ran down into R’s arms and cried. Please pray for me... and A too. We’re going to go through some hard times… It’s hitting home now… and how much harder it’s going to get, I’m not sure, but many people say it’ll get harder before it gets better. Pray for us.
